I really like new beginnings. I look forward to the first day of class with each new semester. I recall the fun of an exciting new job, and I can feel the warmth of the first 40 degree day after a hard winter. One of my favorite parts of being a counselor is the opportunity to offer someone the hope of a new beginning. People often seek out counsel…

Christina Furnival, MS, LPCC is a wife, mom to two young children, licensed psychotherapist, writer, and children's book author. With over a decade of experience in the mental health field, she has worked in a variety of settings including a domestic violence center, hospital program, a non-profit providing parent support, education and coaching, o…

Going Deep To Heal Relational Pain Matthew Leavenworth is a mental health counselor in Billings Montana with Yellowstone Counseling Center. He graduated from Adams State University in 2015 with a master in mental health counseling and is currently pursuing his PhD at Adams State as a counselor educator. He has extensive experience seeing children, …

Pat and Tammy McLeod serve as Harvard Chaplains for Cru, an interdenominational Christian ministry. Tammy is also the Director of College Ministry at Park Street Church in Boston. She received her MA in Spiritual Formation from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary. Pat holds an MA in Theological Studies from the International School of Theology and …

Connection is the Cure If you are like me, sometimes you look around in your home, your community, and the world and feel overwhelmed by the pain. So many people are hurting. Children are stressed to the point of thinking about taking their own life. Parents struggle to respond when adolescents seem rebellious, angry, lost, and out of control. Marr…

How to Change Your Brain To Improve Relationships, Emotions, and Connection. This time of year, many of us are wondering how to change bad habits. Others plan out ways to accomplish big goals for the year. We may take big ideas and break them down into small steps or we may subscribe to a “Guru’s” fool proof way to “rock out 2019”. I recently read …

Host Mark Vander Ley Ph.D., LCPC discusses the four styles of parenting identified by Dr. John Gottman's research. The four styles of parenting described in "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" are The dismissing parent, the disapproving parent, the Laissez-Faire parent and the emotion coach parent. This episode of The Connected Family Podcas…

Parents You have Lost Control: Part 3 Every family needs an established set of limits. Predictable limits help children feel protected and challenged. They are designed to ensure safety and to allow for exploration. Consistent limit-setting may be the most difficult part of a parent’s job. Loving Limits are loving and compassionate when set by pare…

Parents You Have Lost Control: Part I have many discussions with parents that center around the issue of control. The surprising part for many of them is that I emphasize giving up control rather than maintaining control. It seems to me that parenting is a life-long exercise in gradually giving over more and more control to our very precious childr…

Parents You have Lost Control Part 1 My wife and I are in serious trouble! Today my five year old discovered the most well kept and important secret of the parenting world. I was hopeful that my boys would not discover this secret for several more years. Now that the middle child has figured it out however, it will not be long before the other thre…

Several years ago I read the book and watched the movie “Into the Wild”. It is a true story about an upper middle class boy. After graduating from college he gave away what was left of his college fund and wandered around the United States. He told no one where he was going and ended up starving to death in the Alaskan wilderness. My favorite quote…

I was born in a small midwestern town and lived in that town until my family moved to Southern California when I was in fourth grade. I have very fond memories of playing outside with the neighborhood kids for hours at a time. I remember games like ghost in the graveyard, annie annie over, and freeze tag. I even remember walking down the road with …

Dr. Mark Vander Ley interviews Melissa Hopper author of "Can We Not Talk". The Can We (Not) Talk? journaling study is a totally not-awkward way to have meaningful conversations with your teen about the topics that matter. As parents and teens work through the lessons in their workbooks and journal, they will be prepared to have discussions on topic…

Why does a person get angry? What is it about a child’s behavior that can cause a parent to lose control? Parents get angry and lose control with their children when they experience stress or anxiety above their levels of tolerance. Typically, when parents experience this level of stress, one of their four core fears—danger, failure, loss of love, …

Sometimes in marriage counseling we encounter couples that overcome their demon dialogues, create a new dance of intimacy, and rewrite the story of their relationship. Yet, just when it appears they will move to a deeper level of connection one partner brings up a seminal incident that they just can’t seem to “let go”. Susan Johnson describes these…

Find the Bad Guy This dance occurs when both partners are stuck using attack as a way to protect ones self from feeling vulnerable, alone, or unsafe. Each partner blames the other for the problem because disconnection has made it unsafe to vulnerably acknowledge ones own responsibility in the problem. John blames the family’s financial issues on Ma…

Dan Siegel (2014) writes about the amazing tumultuous wild wonderful teenage brain describing the radical changes that occur in the brain through the teenage years. He also writes in his book “Brainstorm: the power and purpose of the teenage brain” (2013) about the four qualities present in teenage minds based on the radical changes that occur in t…

On this episode of The Connected Family Podcast Dr. Mark Vander Ley talks with Kathryn and Adam Adrian, the founders of Connect Child and Family Solutions. Adam and Kathryn are foster parents that have developed a passion for the foster community. After becoming foster parents the couple learned about the number or teams needed to provide excellent…

I have been reading Brene Brown’s leadership book entitled “Dare to Lead”. If you are familiar with Brene’s work you know that this book is full of talk about vulnerability, empathy, connection, and relationship. So, since we at Connections Family Counseling are passionate about building a community of connected families it makes sense that we woul…

What is the most important thing you hope to teach your son before he turns 18? Many parents focus on skills like, driving a car, spending money wisely, working hard, or study habits. But, research seems to show that teaching our sons emotional intelligence may be the most important thing we do. In 2003 researchers at Yale University studied a grou…

Validate his feelings Anger is a very powerful emotion. Many times anger is expressed on the outside when on the inside he is feeling sadness. Acknowledging your sons anger helps him to feel heard and can actually decrease the intensity of its expression. When you say, “you are really angry about this” it communicates to your son that you understan…

Self-esteem is a concept that is regularly discussed in our current culture. Many parents fill their child’s life with activities, play dates, and positive affirmations in the hopes of creating greater “self-esteem”. In many cases however, it does not seem to work. The harder we work to build our kids up the lower their self-regard. This post is in…

I was watching my son’s baseball game the other day and happened to overhear an exchange between two parents and their two sons that compelled me to write this post. The two boys were joking and laughing with one another through out the game. One of the boys joked with his mother sitting near by and goaded her to ask the other boy why he had been g…

Our children live in a culture full of stress. There is pressure to be involved, pressure to be the best, and pressure to fit in. Some claim that the current generation is exposed to more stress than any previous generation. Psychologists define stress as “the demand made on an organism to adapt, cope, or adjust.” When we think about stress in this…

Dr. Mark Vander Ley Discusses Fatherhood, Attachment theory, and the value of rough and tumble play on this episode Dr. Vander Ley will discuss: 1.Historical and religious motifs of fatherhood Moral teacher guide Distant breadwinner New nurturant father 2. Father as a picture of Gods’ grace 3. Fathers through an attachment lens Mother-child attachm…

Dr. Mark Vander Ley and Dr. Jimmy Myers discuss the second edition of Jimmy's book "Toe to Toe With Your Teen: A Guide to Successfully Parenting A Defiant Teen Without Giving Up or Giving In." Mark and Jimmy discuss the importance of maintaining a strong relationship with your teen when setting limits. Jimmy utilizes an acronym and recommends ridin…

Dr. Mark Vander Ley and Robyn Gobbel, LCSW, LMSW, RPT-S Discuss the basic concepts of Interpersonal Neurobiology for Parents and Partners. Robyn offers an overview of the important concepts as well as implications in a variety of situations. We are challenged to look beyond behaviors and understand what is happening on the inside of our family memb…

Dr. Mark Vander Ley and Karen Doyle Buckwalter, MSW, LCSW discuss the new book "Raising the Challenging Child". The book harnesses Karen's 25 years of experience serving children with attachment disorders and complex trauma. Mark and Karen discuss the tried and true strategies outlined in the book that will help parents minimize meltdowns, reduce c…

Dr. Mark Vander Ley speaks with Dr. Scott Keith about his book Being Dad: Father as a Picture of God's Grace. In this episode Dr. Keith explains the connection between the story of the prodigal son and fatherhood. He describes fatherhood as a shadowy representation of God's grace and explains how fathers can point their children to salvation throug…

Dr. Mark Vander Ley and Michelle Robison, MSW, LCSW discuss the topic of "Building Connection with Your Spouse". Listeners will get an introduction to the work of renowned couples therapist Susan Johnson and an introduction to attachment patterns in the marriage relationships. Mark and Michelle discuss the patterns or "dance" that often develops be…

Domestic Spiritual Abuse (DSA) is the use of the Bible, its principles, or institutions to justify the mistreatment of another. Sarah Elmore, MA, LPC shares her personal experience with DSA as well as the lessons she has learned serving as a professional counselor to those who have experienced it. Sarah and Mark discuss how the misinterpretation of…

Dr. Mark Vander Ley and Michelle Robison, MSW, LCSW discuss the importance of talking about sex and sexuality with your children. Mark and Michelle cover the value of talking about sex early and regularly with your children, as well as the drawbacks of avoiding the conversation. The conversation uses personal and professional experience to help par…

Join Dr. Mark Vander Ley and Michelle Robison, MSW, LCSW for a discussion about "what to do when your buttons get pushed. All parents have blown their top, gotten angry, yelled, or lost their cool. Mark and Michelle discuss why this happens, how to avoid it, what to do when it inevitably occurs. They share personal stories of loosing their cool and…

Dr. Mark Vander Ley and Michelle Robison, MSW, LCSW discuss "connecting through play" Michelle is the executive director of a long term care facility located in Southern California. Michelle has pioneered the use of attachment theory and its associated techniques and approaches in her work with children and elderly adults. Mark and Michelle engage …

Join Dr. Mark Vander Ley as he Discusses how to protect your child from an online predator with the director of Education from the Morgan Nick Foundation, Genevie Strickland. On June 9, 1995 Morgan Nick was kidnapped while playing with her friends in Alma, Arkansas. After her abduction Morgan's mother Colleen realized the need for an organization t…

Dr. Mark Vander Ley and Pastor Aaron Baart discuss pornography use among teenagers and college students. Aaron is the Dean of Chapel at Dordt College where he teaches, writes, preaches, and spends time regularly with students. He is the co-founder and president of One Body One Hope, a community-development and church-planting ministry in Liberia, W…

Dr. Mark Vander Ley and Michelle Robison, MSW, LCSW Discuss the difference between accepting someones behavior, values, thoughts, or feelings as compared to condoning them. Mark and Michelle discuss: 1. Acceptance does not mean you condone ones actions 2. The importance of maintaining relationship even in periods of rebellion or disagreement. 3. Se…

Join Dr. Mark Vander Ley as he interviews Rhonda Van Donge about her story of Overcoming Eating Disorder. Rhonda is a Christian wife, mother, teacher, and author. In this episode she shares her story of struggling with eating disorder for 17 years. Rhonda is passionate about telling her story because she wants people to know that there is hope. She…

In this Episode Dr. Mark Vander Ley speaks with Dr. Liz Wiggans about how parents can help to Co-create child success. Liz is a licensed school counselor and a licensed clinical mental health counselor. she has spent that past seven years working with students as all grade levels. Liz is passionate about helping young people develop skills they nee…

Dr. Mark Vander Ley interviews Pastor Joe Mally regarding "Creating Family Culture". Joe has been working as a staff member in local churches for more than seven years. He is currently a children's ministry pastor in Quincy, Illinois. Mark and Joe discuss how parents can begin to intentionally create the culture of their family. They start by ident…

Dr. Mark Vander Ley interviews Michelle Robison, MSW, LCSW regarding Attachment across the lifespan. Michelle is the executive director of a long term care facility located in Southern California. Michelle has pioneered the use of attachment theory and its associated techniques and approaches in her work with children and elderly adults. Mark and M…

The DSM-V defines depression as: “The presence of sad, empty, or irritable mood, accompanied by somatic, and cognitive changes that significantly affect the individual’s capacity to function” More specifically the DSM lists the criteria for a Major depressive episode as 5 or more of the following symptoms when they occur during the same 2-week peri…

The problem of Boredom Richard Winter described the problem of boredom in his book “Still Bored in a Culture of Entertainment”. He views it as an issue of over-stimulation rather than under-stimulation. He argued that we live in a culture in which “to be entertained” is the highest value. This desire creates an incessant need for novelty and excite…

Dr. Mark Vander Ley discusses the shifting view of fatherhood in light of changing culture. More fathers are living apart from their children than ever before, but, fathers are also more and more involved in the lives of their children. Mark explains the research related to this phenomenon and discusses the progression of "father" as "moral teacher…

It seems that nearly every month I hear of a new book or article that touts the latest trends in parenting styles. Most recently I heard about the Lawn mower parent –one that cuts down any challenges in front of their children. There is attachment parenting, the helicopter parent, drill sergeant parent, consultant parent and one book sings “the bat…

The demon dialogues emerge when a couple that has lost their sense of connectedness encounters a moment of stress or conflict. When the partners feel disconnected from one another the normal stressors of marriage tend to get sidetracked by one of the three demon dialogues. However, when both partners in the marriage feel safely connected to one ano…

I often talk with parents who are concerned about video game addiction. They tell me about the games their children play online, the amount of time spent, the disagreements, behavior change and struggles of navigating the new frontier of technology. Video Game Addiction: Recent studies have raised concerns about the impact that online gaming has on…

Hello, I am Dr. Mark Vander Ley welcome to The Connected Family Podcast. This first episode provides you with an introduction to the host and purpose of the podcast. I am a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor practicing in Quincy, Illinois. I am the owner and founder of Connections Family Counseling, LLC a group counseling practice that helps …