Also: • Easily the Most Petty Version of Nebraska Behavior • Hiding Behind the Piano, Sobbing • With the Jawbone of a Donkey, Heaps Upon Heaps • It's Up There With Lemon-Scented Contacts • A Minimum of Three Genocides • He's a Cuz Nuzzler • Bilhah and Zilpah Get the Shaft Coming and Going • We're Going Back to Mud Huts, Folks • It Danced Out of His…

Also: • Judges is an Adorably Problematic Book • Unwilling to Tear Open Your Friend's Chest Cavity • Feelin' Pretty Fucking Unappreciated, Al • It's a Manifestation of the Infinite Microculture • I Can Finally Bring Out My White Pumps • You Know This Was a Sexual Audition, Right? • Put in in February, Like the Icelanders Do • The Accumulation of St…

Also: • Wearing a Sandwich Board in Front of a Del Taco • Not the Least Interested in Cocaine Right Now • Mow My Lawn Menacingly • Where the Hell You Came Up With Iron Ore • Oh, There's No End of Whimsy • A Mishmash of Fabrications and Paranoid Fantasies • Diving Headfirst Into the Quicksand • The Most Gay I've Ever Felt in My Entire Life • Your Ve…

Also: • Speaking as an Amateur Body Builder With Truly Middling Results • It Doesn't, as Far as I Know, Creep Anyone Out • Five Beats or Three Dry Swallows • Did Somebody Poop During This Session? • Inviting Myself Into That Big Giant Cornucopia • Throw 5-Year-Olds Off a 10-Story Building • Izzy's Glizzy Party • Long Stretches of "Kitty Cat in Extr…

Also: • A Bromance Between a Robot and a Dog • Of Course It's a Werewolf Thing • Once You've Discovered a Japanese Toilet • Hey Everybody, My Just Dad Died! • That's an Expensive and Dangerous Philosophy • The Fact That I Have Nipples • Leaking Gasoline and Melted Crayons • The Maori Eat Each Other • Sit in a Chair and Watch the Emperor Sleep • You…

Also: • Penis Envy is a Hot Tub Time Machine • My Negative Harumphy Vibes • An Epistemologist Feeling a Little Cantankerous • Was it the Tip or the Shaft? • A Teaspoon's Dollop of the Blue Honey • The Substance Tolerance of a 93-Pound Vietnamese Girl • My 6th Erectile Dysfunction Test This Week • Rapid Onset Ego Death • Surely There are Witch Docto…

Also: • He Didn't Want to Take the Spigot Out of the Guy's Leg • Do You Do Caffeine Enemas for Fun? • Ingest Adrenaline By Drinking the Blood of Your Enemies • Someone's Always Plotting a Genocide • Hoisted By His Own Petard • I've Been Thinking a Lot About Impaling • A Lead Stake Moving 52,000 Miles an Hour • I Have Eaten Pig Brain, By the Way • O…

Also: • I'm Schnauzing the VapoRub Kleenex • As Australian as it is Gay • Unless They're Actively Bludgeoning People on the Battlefield • Close Enough to Pejorativize • Never Say "Supposedly" When "Ostensibly" Will Do • That's Literally Onanism • Tie My Head to an Anthill and Smear My Ears in Jam • His is a Teeny But Hers is Not • Accused of Bangin…

Also: • Fat Men Play With Their Garden Hoses • Do You Know What the Term "Twink Death" Is? • Downward Volatility Sucks! • I Like a Good Liminal Space • To His Horror He Finds Himself in Hell • James Ray, My Little Minion • Something You Might Pour Over Your Spaghetti • All Mimsy Were the Borogoves • Jive Turkey Ain't Got No Brains Anyhow • Did You …

Also: • The Scrawlings of a Madman on the Walls of His Cell • Our Measurement Here is Sheboygan's Yardstick • You are Bruce Banner, and I Keep Poking You • I Don't Always Want to Be the Straight Man to Your Idiocy • Go to the Amazon and Get Stung by a Bullet Ant • Does This Involve Jergens and Kleenex? • Holes in the Fabric of the American Fast Foo…

Also: • One of the Quasi-Protagonists, Although He's a Douchebag • I Get Light-Headed and Itchy • What is This, a Zaphod Beeblebrox Universe? • That's the Shit I Thought Bossa Nova Saved Us From • The Shock Completely Annihilated Her Brain • Famously, a Show About Nothing • A Genius Doing Insufferable Microtonal Music • I'm Going to Crucify You at …

Also: • Because I Really Did Hate This Radio Station • Every Mainlander is a Yenta • I Dunno ... Ask My Dead Parents • It Was a Letter Full of Direct Personal Insults • A Tsunami of Insectile Flesh • She Will Make Me Happy, and Bear Me Many Babies • A Friend of Mine Has a Frog Deck • 38% of GenZers are Not Having Sex • Dark, Scowly, Wrinkly Faces •…

Also: • Common Everyday Working Laxatives • Chase Ass Till the Cows Came Home • Moses Floated Down the Nile on Hot Water • I Really Hope My Parents are Having Sex • A Fever-Sweat of Desperate Libido • Once Upon a Time, Before Orange Man • Was Satan Attacking Your Chinese Neighbors Too? • Woo-Woo and Witch-Doctor Kinda Stuff • Caught in the Baptisma…

Also: • I'm on Tenterhooks and Walking on Eggshells • Calling Chinese Cuisine "Lunar Food" • At Risk of Committing 69 Microaggressions • When am I? • Big Company! Eat Little Company! Bad! Bad! • 3 Days in a Hotel Room Ralphing • Dead Pig Parts Sitting Out in the Marketplace • Every Word Would Have to Stink of Heaven • My Guitar's Producer Placebo T…

Also: • For Weeks They Fed Me Food on a Pole • You'd Make a Really Shitty Unitarian Universalist • Steal Some of Their Coffee Before We Go • The Average Swede Has 1.99 Legs • Like Being a Bull Elephant in the Serengeti • He's Been Jibbering for 6 Days Straight • Incredible Amounts of Subterfuge and Testosterone • Spaff it Into the Floorboards • A G…

Also: • O'Reilly Auto Parts and a Story About Hookers • It Literally Means "Dog Ass" • The Opium Den Had More Drapes Than I Thought • Paul McCartney Didn't Need to Pee • Certified Pre-Owned Virgins • The God-King of the New Chinese-American Interbreeding • I'm Going to Lay Down and Rot Instead • Sucking Sludge for Safety-Kleen • Your Dulcet Tones a…

Also: • Cut That Proverbial Baby in Half • Do People Cross Rainbow Bridges? • Adam Called Me Honky • Chugging Along, Still Cutting Down Trees • We've Found the Chinese Übermensch • A Burnt Out, Drug-Addled Guy Named Reverend Jim • Didn't Require a Shot of Penicillin • Caught in the Boys' Shower With the Home Ec Teacher • You're Not Sticking This Up…

Also: • Mortgage Manor, The Colonel, and That Damn Cat • I've Eaten Three Chickens in the Last Two Days • Ranking High for "Asian Ass Porn" • Someone in Ashwaubenon is Doing Things Right • An Ancient Black Man in a Snakeskin Suit • Where They Made Their Own Dresses and Raised Goats • The Kvetching Around Reagan • Why Aren't Hitler's Paintings in th…

Also: • How Many People are Living in an Iron Lung Right Now? • A Little Rainbow Splotch to the Left of It • Telegraph Sex and Bomb Threats • I Don't Spend a Lot of Time Looking at the Sun • Twins, and They're Both Aboriginal • Our Drummer is a Felon • They Didn't Call Me a Barrel-Chested Monster Baby for Nothing • Barring Some Freak Relational Dis…

Also: • Learn to Yearn for the Exuberance of Play • Fire and Fury and Burning Babies • The Lifeless Puddle That Was Once Frosty • Stab the CEO With Your Banjo • This Jesus Guy Blows My Mind • Munch More Vigorously on My Popcorn • Scolding and Censorious and Noisome and Irritating • Ticker-Tape Me Through Why That's Funny • An Ass That would Launch …

Also: • Say "Drew Peacock" Really Fast • A Great Show Until One of Them Died • Get Your AI to Hallucinate • What Might Possibly Constitute a Refrigerator • My Bank is Now an Amazon Fresh • Getting Them to Sweat in Their Own Living Rooms • But She's Got a Full Head of Hair • According to David, That Makes Him a Goon • Your Insulin is Subsidized • We…

Also: • Distended Stomachs and Meat Mouths • Can I Shit on One Human Culture in Particular? • Caves That Take Expert Spelunking • A Baby You Threw in a Box and Forgot About • Saturn Has No Influence on Me • An Arms Race Between the Dolphins, the Crows, and the Pigs • Japan Prefers Robot Bears • Blessings I've Had, Being a Nepotist • Astrology is Fl…

Also: • Up My Nostrils, As Well They Should Be • My Brainless Ear Candy Playlist • A Gajillion Ladies With Their Pekingese Yipe-Yipe-Yipe Dogs • Do The Right Thing: Kill Them First • This is My Roommate, Naked • They Don't Eat Cats Where I Lived • The Penis of the Plains, As They Call It • You Were Gestating at the Time • A Polyamorous Lesbian is B…

Also: • I Was in a Mosh Pit Recently • He's the God of Dolphins and Underground Plumbing • Strabismus as Usual • The Drummer is Drooling Evenly From Both Sides of His Mouth • Does He Shake Righty or Lefty? • An Unusually Violent G.K. Chesterton Quote • I Can Drive Over to the Guy's House and Punch Him in the Face • You'd be Amazed How Far You Can G…

Also: • And I Looked Into the Chicken's Eyes • What Exactly is Stroking This Little Endorphin Rush of Pleasure? • No State-Sponsored Kid-Diddling Involved • I Have a Love-Hate Relationship With ESTJs • A Dorky Evening Serial Drama That Starred Alec Baldwin • That Absolute Asshole of a Child • Someone Whose Middle Name is Actually "Car" • Covered in…

• The Tail is Wagging the Dog, at This Point • A Smarmy Group of Know-It-All Assholes • After a Prolonged Edging Session • Your Caramel-Smooth Voice and Pipes of a Flautist • Funniness is Holiness • How Many Birds are Named After White Men? • Skibidi, Nut, and Gooning • Gen-Alpha Emerged From the Dank Depths Below • Rife With Irony, Irritation, Bor…

Also: • Chatting Up Some Mormon Floozy • Full of Privileged Little Snot-Nosed White Kids • Like a Gutted Walleye • You've Stepped Into the Greatest Dojo on Earth • I Only Have One Torso • Leaving Pieces of Steak on Her Porch • Naked in Front of Polite Company • Charlie Kirk Among Pink-Haired Leftists • Her Mouth in a Big Giant Ice Sling • The Famil…

Also: • Bang the Drum About the Tinkerbell Effect • It's Been Donkey's Years • How Many Megatons of Beetle Flesh Would it Be? • In a Pool of His Own Shit in the Green Room • You're in Fine Fettle! • Explain the Very Large Diversity of Marsupials • One Very Tenacious Peanut Farmer • The World's First Sexually Ambiguous Superhero • 46 Pounds of Stero…

Also: • And I Looked Into the Chicken's Eyes • What Exactly is Stroking This Little Endorphin Rush of Pleasure? • No State-Sponsored Kid-Diddling Involved • I Have a Love-Hate Relationship With ESTJs • A Dorky Evening Serial Drama That Starred Alec Baldwin • That Absolute Asshole of a Child • Someone Whose Middle Name is Actually "Car" • Covered in…

Also: • An "Old Man Screams at Clouds" Moment • Like Hello Fresh, But With Human Anatomy • I'm Not Stalin but You're Mao-Thing Off • They Had to Kill Thousands of Orangutans • Unless I'm in the Mood for Popeye's Chicken • It's Always Blood Sacrifice • Lodged in My Brain Like Corn in My Teeth • I Said "Rhodesia" Flippantly • With Lips of Power and V…

Also: • Somewhere Between Hiroshima and Tsar Bomba • I'd Rather Not Have Tinnitus • And a Very Large Blast Crater • The Most Popular Smut on the Internet • A Swim in a Spent-Nuclear-Fuel Pool • The Same Reaction to a Baboon • All Ready to Tear Each Other's Throats Out • Throwing Punches, or Setting Fire to Their Guest House • A Lot of Animalism and…

Also: • Delighted to Introduce Sbubby to Your Cousin • Almost the Same Level of Skeleton • They Ran Off Scampering Into Trees, Naked • Happy With a Perceived Idiot in Charge • The Veep Just Shot a Guy in the Face • Two Can Keep a Secret if One is Lobotomized • The Word Pretzels We Tie Ourselves Into • Should We Be Eating Babies? • Weeping on the Gr…

Also: • He Can Stand Up During Doggy • Beaten Into Submission With a Metronome • Stiff, Awkward, Shitty White-People Music • The Comedic Needs of Generation Alpha • Was Mercury in Gatorade? • You Were There, Waddling Around as a Toddler • Mmm-Hmm, That is Baby-Makin' Music! • Such Insufferable Disco Schmaltz • Was That When They Killed Your Lemon V…

Also: • I Recently Won a Battle for a Sponge Cavity • A Little Spot Called Quoddy Head • Consensual Beatings That Trigger Urination • Sea Lions, Sunfish, and Julius Caesar • Maybe a Little Skanky on the Weekends • Runts Make Love, Not War • Involve Battery Acid in Your Reproductive Process • Classic Frank Zappa Judo • They Always Served Lobster to …

Also: • The Older Ladies Were All Fans of Capital Punishment • He Couldn't Not Get His Dick Wet • Well, Ain't This Place a Geographical Oddity! • A Giant Horseshit Kangaroo Court • He's Honorable Because His Dad's a Lord • A Bulletproof Chamber You Could Walk Through • Bryan's Recipe Ecstasy Corner • I Never Thought Leopards Would Eat My Face • A G…

Also: • Dude, This Does Not Suck! • What Strange Shower Were You Bathing In? • And I Use This Term Incorrectly • Two Matching Diamond-Encrusted Cock Rings • As I'm in This Perpetual State of Cringe • Skeet Shooting is Really Bad for Television • Massively Irritate My Already Irritated Bladder • Korean Archers Have Groupies • Just the Look of Baffle…

Also: • We Probably Don't Eat Enough Mud • The Coffee Pot for Masochists • A Known Thing That You've Got a Limp Noodle • She's Still All Sniffly • Part of That Process is My Butthole • Large Muscular Mounds of Grossness • This Will Make Her a Screamer • Chronic Pinkeye From Sunrise to Sunset • Another Kidney Stone on the Way • Particularly Recalcit…

Also: • This Giant Sea of Poison Ivy • Sidenote: D.C. Sucks • Because Your Beloved Has the 'Rona • Another Potentate from Paraguay • Chinese is Full of Tripthongs • Duct Tape, Bailing Wire, and Chewing Gum • The Legendary Place to Lose Volleyballs • Rob Had This Weird Voodoo • Sucking Away Massive Amounts of Your RAM • Raised on Hose Water and Negl…

Also: • All the Places You've Sharted Yourself • Guys Eating 70-Foot Pizzas • A Weird Kink That's Unreciprocated • And I'm Not Even a Dog Guy • June is Busting Out All Over • You're a Different Kind of Rat • A Cross Between John Lennon and Geddy Lee • We Elected You Resident Sex God • Weird and Spidery and Way Out on the Edge • And Then I Want to T…

Also: • We Live in a Post-Pac-Man-Fever Wasteland • Let's Jitz and Squaw Till We're Jatzed • Is There a Cameo by Pinkman? • I've Always Been a Lot More Effete Than Travis Kelce • Fatwa Sex is the Best Sex There Is • Six Cicada-Killing Hornets Outside Our Laundry Room • The Guide to Recalcitrance is on the Back of Your Shirt • A Lot Harder When it's…

Also: • Let's Abolish the 7-Day Week • So Much More Angular, Upsetting, and Obtuse • Kicking the Shit Out of the Credenza • A Massive Emotional Scab Ripped Off One Day • Jordan Sounds Like a Lunatic • A Man Will F*** in a Cardboard Box • You Feel Seepy and Got a Hangnail • I Still Don't Understand Autogynephilia • Who's Left if We Remove Linda? • E…

Also: • Please Do Not Think Too Hard About This • We Spoon for All the Wrong Reasons • Death and Gangrene and Putrefaction and Dogs and Cannibalism • Single Out the Jews as an Entire Category • No Botulism at McDonald's • God's Got a Great Rack • That's a Damn Miracle Right There • Jonah, Pissed to the Point of Dying • Was it, Like, Brainworm? • Th…

Also: • You Take a Dinghy to Get There • The Lurkers, the Listeners, the Shadows • Is This Fighting or Really Violent Sex? • A Chunk Out of Your Leg and a Dead Seal Next to You • Foxy John's Bardware Store • Me and My Terrified Ass, Bleeding From One Hand • No Better Time to Have Daddy There • The Stock is Falling for Straight White Men • Vigilante…

Also: • Jet Fuel for My Colon • I Haven't Had My Swashes Buckled in a While • Greater and Greater Levels of Pure Dadaism • This Life of Near-Hermetic Isolation • I Was Playing Cornhole With My Butt • Semi-Competitive Bible Study • You Shot Your Toes Off With the Gun You Loaded • We Both Became Gigantic Monster Babies • Maybe it was a Gay Shibboleth…

Also: • We're Talking About Gourds • Some Howling, Narcissistic Rendition of a Christmas Song • Mayonnaise a Lotta People! • Words You Didn't Know Were in the Redneck Dictionary • Black Size Matters • Mow Over Some Beta-Ass-Bitch Inferior Vehicle • No One Spit Out Their Beer or Their Nachos • Hands in the Air, Massaging His Nipples • People Eat Wit…

Also: • Ever Known Someone Who Could Gleek? • Cuyler, You're an Emotional Strobe Light • Just Summer Camp Middle-School Sodomy • Dave's Seen Some Pretty Heinous Shit • Kind of Goon, Kind of Ogre-Looking • The Pet Sematary Version of Ronald Reagan • Watch Her Puke Up Her Lunch • A Very Stupid and Emotionally Stunted Dog • Little Pupating, Disgusting…

Also: • Hold Down the Screaming Soldier • Nebraska is Just a Single Monolith of Nothingness • Absence of Red Tape and Justice for All • She is an Ocean Unto Herself • Complaining About How Stinky Chicago Is • OIMBY, Bucko! • We Don't Insult Our Former Guests • One of the Most Tannah-Marshall Moments • Just Three Shy of Kevin Bacon • You Forgot to M…

Also: • If You Have a Daughter, Name Her Bob • Every Year Tom Becomes a Weirder Human Being • I Thought CMT Was a Time Zone • Are You Supposed to be Schwasted? • A Functional Guide to Nepotism • Fuck the Library of Congress; We're Doing Rainbows • 'Raging Bull' Meets 'Jean de Florette' • The Nerves in My Legs is Shot • A Rubber Ducky With a Jeep Gr…

Also: • The Cigarette Doctors Recommend Most • Go Warsh in the Crick • Perry has, Functionally, a Canadian Accent • The Best Place to Get Sucker Punched • Did This Involve Women Lifting Their Shirts at Padre Island? • That German Guy Spun and Spun and Spun • We Gotta Incorporate That Shit • That's a Sauna for Every Two People • When Someone Covered…

Also: • You Can Beat a Dead Horse to Water • A Nepotist's Symposium • Until Bryan No Longer Inhales Food • I Waded Through Urine at One Point • As Much Testosterone as a Gorilla Gets • For the Mongrels to Chew On • Is Hufflepuff Just a Bunch of Stupid People? • Doug is Dead From the Neck Down • How Many Ex-Rockstars are Drooling Into Buckets • More…