020: Me: Maybe it wasn’t abuse? Also Me: Every complex trauma symptom

How To Be a Terrible Daughter

This week, we’re tackling one of the most unsettling and deeply confusing questions many of us face: Was it abuse? And let’s be honest—if that question keeps showing up like 3 raccoons in a trench coat whispering cryptic messages outside your window at 2 a.m., you might want to investigate. In this episode, we dig into why psychological and emotional abuse are so much harder to recognize than physical or sexual abuse—and why so many of us spend years trying to convince ourselves it wasn’t “that bad.” Narcissistic family systems are masters at looking shiny on the outside while quietly dismantling your sense of reality. Honestly, it’s cult behavior—but with better potlucks and passive-aggressive throw pillows.

We explore how the most abusive part is often the pattern, not the individual incidents. That chronic, low-grade cruelty, the constant invalidation, the feeling that love only comes when you abandon your own needs? Yeah, that. We share tools to help you recognize these dynamics—including what to notice, how to start documenting patterns, and why fear itself can be a flashing neon sign that something is seriously off. Plus, we answer a surprisingly common question: What if I'm the narcissist? (Short answer: if you’re self-aware enough to ask, you’re probably not the one we’re worried about.)

Of course, we still find time for a Mini Crazy Mom Off—this one includes listener nightmares and a brief but unsettling cameo by Hannibal Lecter. We also talk about how movement helped us get through the week—because sometimes a walk around the block is less about getting your steps in and more about preventing a full existential spiral in the canned goods aisle. If you’ve ever wondered whether your experience “counts,” this episode says: yes, it does. And you’re not alone in wondering.

Thank you for listening to season two of the podcast! If you haven’t already, don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or your favorite podcast app to make sure you get the season 3 episodes as soon as they drop. Unlike the narcissist in your life, we'd love to hear your stories and how they affected you. Email us or DM us on Instagram, @terribledaughterpod or at  [email protected]!

What We Cover In This Episode:

• The tremendous difficulty in recognizing psychological and emotional abuse compared to physical or sexual abuse [1:33]

• How narcissistic family dynamics compare to being in a cult and the internal conflict caused by the contrast between internal experiences and external perceptions of a "perfect" family [5:43]

• Practical tools we recommend for recognizing abuse and the importance of documenting experiences and recognizing patterns of abuse [11:11]

• The significance of emotional cues, particularly fear, as indicators of abuse [14:01]

• How to know if you are being a victim, or if you are displaying narcissistic behaviors yourself [27:53]

• Our “Mini Crazy Mom Offs” – how Elizabeth’s mother is even giving nightmares to our listeners and a cameo by Hannibal Lector [36:55]

• How incorporating movement into our daily routines helped both of us through this week [43:12]

Links & Resources: 

Red Dragon by Thomas Harris

Hannibal (TV Series)

Monk and Robot Series by Becky Chambers

The Good Place & Ted Lasso (TV Shows)