Why You Can't Break Your Money Patterns (The Psychology of Secondary Gains)

It's Not About The Money

In this episode, I explore why we get stuck repeating the same frustrating money patterns despite reading books, listening to podcasts, and working on our mindset. Rather than blaming ourselves for being broken or lazy, I reveal the hidden psychology behind these behaviours - the secondary gains that keep us "stuck" because they're actually protecting us in some way.

Episode Highlights:

Understanding Secondary Gains - The Hidden Benefits

• How every financial behaviour, even destructive ones, serves a positive purpose
• Why our unconscious mind creates patterns to keep us safe based on old information
• The concept of secondary gains as "wrapping" around our biggest fears about money
• How protection mechanisms that once served us may no longer be appropriate at 43
• The difference between conscious desires and unconscious protective patterns

My Personal Examples: Undercharging and Protection

• How I stayed in undercharging patterns to avoid rejection and confrontation
• The realisation that "you're too expensive" is about the other person's values, not my worth
• My Thermomix story - how I value different things differently (£800 kitchen gadget vs. high-ticket mentoring)
• The first-class flight dilemma and the guilt around spending £1,500 on comfort

The Four Most Common Secondary Gains Around Money

1. Undercharging Pattern:

• Primary fear: rejection, confrontation, and loss of "nice person" identity
• Benefits: more people say yes, avoiding uncomfortable negotiations, staying accessible
• How it prevents claiming full power and owning your brilliance
• Applies to both business owners and employees negotiating pay rises

2. Chronic Saving Pattern:

• Primary fear: uncertainty and lack of control
• Benefits: feeling protected, being the "responsible one," avoiding buyer's remorse
• How it maintains identity as the sensible person while others are "frivolous"
• The trap of "never enough" despite growing bank balances

3. Money Avoidance Pattern:

• Primary fear: adult responsibility and making wrong decisions
• Benefits: maintaining childlike innocence, having others take responsibility
• How chaos becomes an excuse to avoid goal-setting and risk-taking
• Case study from my recent live coaching demonstration about staying in childlike patterns

4. Overspending/Impulse Pattern:

• Primary fear: making big decisions and planning ahead
• Benefits: instant emotional regulation, dopamine hits, maintaining victim identity
• How it helps avoid future planning (especially challenging for neurodivergent brains)
• My personal pattern of spending everything to avoid making financial decisions

The Identity and Relationship Dynamics

• How money patterns serve our relationships and keep peace
• Client examples: fear of out-earning mentors, maintaining marriage dynamics
• The "struggling artist" or "survivor" story identity
• How staying financially small can protect us from jealousy and judgment
• The secondary gain of maintaining harmony by not threatening others' positions

Spotting Your Own Secondary Gains - Key Questions

• What do you get to avoid when you stay stuck?
• What identity does this pattern allow you to maintain?
• How do your money patterns serve your relationships?
• What would you have to face if this pattern disappeared tomorrow?
• Does the possibility of change feel scary, and why?

Working With Secondary Gains, Not Against Them

• The importance of curiosity over judgment
• How these patterns developed for good reasons and have been trying to protect us
• My approach using Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and Matrix Re-imprinting
• Combining somatic work with inherited family trauma modalities
• The goal: making your financial future more exciting than the secondary gain

Practical Steps for Change

• Honouring what the pattern has done for you with gratitude
• Speaking directly to the protective parts: "Thank you for keeping me safe"
• Working with the nervous system through gradual, sustainable changes
• Finding healthy ways to meet the same emotional needs differently
• Why incremental price increases work better than dramatic jumps

The Neurodivergent Perspective

• How ADHD and autism traits can make planning ahead feel unsafe
• Why spending everything now avoids future decision-making pressure
• Reference to previous episodes on managing money with ADHD
• protective mechanisms

Chapters

00:00 Understanding Money Patterns and Secondary Gains 09:52 The Impact of Undercharging and Self-Worth 18:33 Exploring Chronic Saving and Money Avoidance 26:03 Transforming Patterns and Embracing Change

Resources:

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