Best Dumb Retro Podcasts (2025)

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2025: Most Anticipated Games! 1:28:41

4d ago1:28:41

1:28:41

2025 Most Anticipated Games! Square Roots - Episode 468 We're taking the week off, which somehow ended up with recording an hour and a half episode where we look through the upcoming games of 2025 and decide which we're into and which we're all like "no thanks, bro!" Some games that piqued our interest: * Middle Earth Trad-Wife Simulator * The Defi…

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Enchanted Arms Part 3: Cowboys & Plow Boys 2:23:18

11d ago2:23:18

2:23:18

Enchanted Arms Part 3: Cowboys & Plow Boys Square Roots - Episode 467 Quest Log: 33:01 Level Up: 02:01:47 She's from [STATE REDACTED]! And he's from Florida! And HE's from Vancouver! She drinks Chamblee! He drinks IPAs! And the other he drinks Diet Pepsis, and that's okay! Nerd girls & Gator Boys & Canadian Bears, some good ol' podcastairs! All thr…

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Enhanted Arms Part 2: The Guy Who Is Always Stuck At Just Friends 2:23:20

17d ago2:23:20

2:23:20

Enhanted Arms Part 2: The Guy Who Is Always Stuck At Just Friends Square Roots - Episode 466 Quest Log: 04:00 Level Up: 01:45:25 Welcome to London! Sure, it kind of looks like an old Tooter village, but it's actually one of the only cities on this big island we call earth! But we need to take the short walk back to Yokohama, which makes sense in th…

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Enhanted Arms Part 1: Bang-Maid 2:46:41

24d ago2:46:41

2:46:41

Enhanted Arms Part 1: Bang-Maid Square Roots - Episode 464 Quest Log: 28:40 Level Up: 02:32:46 Dust off saxophone and charge up your magical arm, it's time for Enchanted Arms! Get it! Enchanted ARMS? Because his arm is enchanted! We discover all the little ways that Miyazaki put lil pieces of Dark and Demon's Souls into this FROM SOFTWARE turn-base…

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Grim Fandango Part 2: Johnny Troublehands 2:22:04

1M ago2:22:04

2:22:04

Grim Fandango Part 2: Johnny Troublehands Square Roots - Episode 464 Quest Log: 27:11 Level Up: 01:49:50 Who do you call when life gives you trouble? JOHNNY TROUBLEHANDS! And he's joined by Matthew Dangerfist! Jim Blazin! And Vanessa Deathteeth! And we finish the LucasArts adventure classic, Grim Fandango! Is Grim a sociopath? Is Glottis better off…

1
Grim Fandango Part 1: A Mnemonic Tube 2:36:19

1M ago2:36:19

2:36:19

Grim Fandango Part 1: A Mnemonic Tube Square Roots - Episode 463 Quest Log: 29:00 Level Up: 02:05:00 Welcome to the BONE ZONE! This week on the Bone Zone we're checking out LucasArts's pinnacle of adventure gaming, Grim Fandango. In it you start as a reaper, which Matthew informs us is named Grim Fandango. Join these Hep Cats as we get people murde…

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Grandia II Part 6: The Birthplace of the Gods Was A Research Facility 2:18:47

2M ago2:18:47

2:18:47

Grandia II Part 6: The Birthplace of the Gods Was A Research Facility Square Roots - Episode 462 Quest Log: 28:40 Level Up: 01:48:15 GOTCHA! The Birthplace of the Gods was a research facility, which definitely means that Granas and Valmar were scientists who got turned into gods, and weren't aliens. With the Birthplace of the Gods being a research …

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Grandia II Part 5: Mareg's Bara Tiddies! 2:23:20

2M ago2:23:20

2:23:20

Grandia II Part 5: Mareg's Bara Tiddies! Square Roots - Episode 461 Level Up Starts at 01:53:00 Johnny gets to see Mareg's big manly chest in a pre-rendered cutscene, and he does NOT shut up about it throughout this episode. Sure, the Dreamcast game's pre-rendered cutscenes have the look of 1996's Tekken 2, and the scene is bizarrely animated, but …

1
Grandia II Part 4: Droppin' Hot Yomis 2:26:41

2M ago2:26:41

2:26:41

Grandia II Part 4: Droppin' Hot Yomis Square Roots - Episode 460 Level Up Starts at 01:51:00 It's Straight Night this week on Square Roots! That's right, the gay is gone, so it's just Matthew, Jim, and Vanessa. Finally they can get to the straight truth: they love being in traffic. Also they played some more Grandia II, this time in a beefy chunker…

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Grandia II Part 3: Bursting Through the Doors of the St Heim Inn 2:36:08

2M ago2:36:08

2:36:08

Grandia II Part 3: Bursting Through the Doors of the St Heim Inn Square Roots - Episode 459 Level Up Starts at 02:08:00 This time on Square Roots Jim's off on an adventure, so it's just Vanessa, Johnny and Matthew trying to sort out what they got wrong about Switch II news this week. But things get weird in this chunk of Game Arts's Grandia II, whe…

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Grandia II Part 2: The Gen-X Cheech and Chong 2:36:18

2M ago2:36:18

2:36:18

Grandia II Part 2: The Gen-X Cheech and Chong Square Roots - Episode 458 Level Up Starts at 01:55:00 Johnny asks a question that may make you spit out your drink, be warned. Do not drink any liquids while listening to this episode. But anyway! Grandia II! Game Arts's zany adventure gets into gear: you've got the evil brother, a dark secret buried u…

1
Grandia II Part 1: Max Load 2:29:45

3M ago2:29:45

2:29:45

Grandia II Part 1: Max Load Square Roots - Episode 457 Level Up Starts at 01:58:30 Are you ready to dive back into the exciting world of Game Arts's Grandia on this exciting new chapter of Square Roots? We ask all the important questions, like what is a geohound? A guy looking for rocks? A risk breaker? A dog looking for rocks? We can't be sure, bu…

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Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood Part 5: Stevie Nicks, You're Going To Jail 2:21:47

3M ago2:21:47

2:21:47

Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood Part 5: Stevie Knicks, You're Going To Jail Square Roots - Episode 456 Level Up Starts at 01:57:45 We speed towards the finale of Sonical Chronicles by BioWare, fast like a hedgehog through a loop-de-loop. Does Sonic nail the landing? Or is he all out of rings? Vanessa, Johnny and Matthew debate the pros and c…

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Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood Part 4: Bon Vi Von 2:36:14

3M ago2:36:14

2:36:14

Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood Part 4: Bon Vi Von Square Roots - Episode 455 Level Up Starts at 01:38:00 Finally the whole squad is back for an episode where we are definitely very good at staying on topic as we get to the strange sci-fi worlds of Chapter 7 and 8 of Sonical Chronicles! There's rock men, goo men, and even robomen! But not Eg…

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Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood Part 3: The Return of Boys Night 1:45:03

3M ago1:45:03

1:45:03

Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood Part 3: The Return of Boys Night Square Roots - Episode 454 Level Up Starts at 01:15:30 With Vanessa out at a show or something, it's another BOYS NIGHT! So gather round, crack open a beer, and name your favourite monster trucks with us as we play through two more chapters of Sonical Chronicles! There's meatba…

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Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood Part 2: A Chat About Eggs, Man 2:13:06

4M ago2:13:06

2:13:06

Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood Part 2: A Chat About Eggs, Man Square Roots - Episode 453 Level Up Starts at 01:39:00 Jim's out on a date, so we're gonna be a little insane on this episode Square Roots. Vanessa's on probation, Johnny's gone waffles crazy, and Matt does nothing but read books now. But we're playing what Vanessa calls a Gatewa…

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Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood Part 1: Charmy the Bee is Still an Ongoing Concern. 2:41:44

4M ago2:41:44

2:41:44

Square Roots - Episode 452 Level Up Starts at 02:09:00 SEGA and BioWare form the ultimate dream team for our new season of Square Roots! That's right, we're tackling the Sonic RPG Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood and finally we get stylus based controls and dialogue trees in our sonic games! Plus this game has all sorts of deep cuts: there's …

1
Thief: The Dark Project Part 5 - The Ratman Mystery 1:59:52

4M ago1:59:52

1:59:52

Square Roots - Episode 451 Level Up Starts at 01:27:30 We finally meet Matt's favourite friends, Thief: The Dark Project's Rat Men. Or... are they dinosaurs? This might seem like an easy question, but the more images we get of the supposed rat men, the more questions we have. Like: why do they have a forked tail? Are they monkeys? Why do they sound…

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Thief: The Dark Project Part 4 - A Very Whispery Mission 1:33:24

4M ago1:33:24

1:33:24

Thief: The Dark Project Part 4 - A Very Whispery Mission Square Roots - Episode 450 Level Up Starts at 01:20:30 This time even the DLC level is pretty great in this penultimate chunker of Thief! It's an eye-poppingly good time as we infiltrate the Hammerites, do chores for a ghost, and go for a surprise night at the opera. Also: - The Gene Shallot …

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Thief: The Dark Project Part 3 - This City Ain't Lost Any More, Is It 1:36:02

5M ago1:36:02

1:36:02

Square Roots - Episode 449 Level Up Starts at 01:19:45 This time in the sneaky Looking Glass classic game Thief, Johnny, Jim and Matthew tackle some levels! Can you guess which ones are DLC and which were in the original release? Probably? There's a chunk of the city that was lost to a cataclysm, some colour coded mages towers, and a chunk of the c…

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Thief: The Dark Project Part 2 - A Little Moss Volcano 1:45:00

5M ago1:45:00

1:45:00

Square Roots - Episode 448 Level Up Starts at 01:24:20 We're all thieves, and sometimes thieves take their time and don't play to where they say they're going to. So we blasted through missions 4 through 6, which takes us through a fancy mansion, two fancy mansions connected by a sewer, and then a fancy but spooky mansion! Fortunately we make a new…

1
Thief: The Dark Project Part 1 - Jim's Hole Sale Prices 2:13:43

5M ago2:13:43

2:13:43

Square Roots - Episode 447 Level Up Starts at 01:44:15 Now that Sea of Stars is over we can promise one thing: no more Garl puns. Now we're on to Thief: The Dark Project by Looking Glass Studios. Enjoy the intense 90s cutscenes! Revell in the developers voicing many side characters! Quiet down your steps with moss arrows! Explode some zombies with …

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Sea of Stars - Part 6: James Acaster Plays Leisure Suit Larry 2:22:11

5M ago2:22:11

2:22:11

Square Roots - Episode 446 Level Up Starts at 02:03:30! It's a wrap on Sea of Stars this chunker, and someone didn't finish! And it's not who you think! We go through the two endings, talk to some fish, meet a tiger man, and go through a gross castle full of goop and body parts. YEAH! Also: - Garl Interrupted - Garl's Just Want To Have Fun - Who's …

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Sea of Stars Part 5: Are You Gonna Be My Garl? 2:23:09

5M ago2:23:09

2:23:09

We are sure that the technical issue that caused the original second half of this episode to be lost won’t be noticed and the transition to the new recording will be seamless. Garl finds himself being the true hero of this game as he now has a near-death vision explaining what he needs to do before he dies. Level Up: 01:48:15 Also: * Squish Squish …

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Sea of Stars - Part 4: A Sith Puzzle For Babies 2:07:46

6M ago2:07:46

2:07:46

Square Roots - Episode 444 Level Up Starts at 01:36:00! Finally, we return to the Sea of Stars and a lot of stuff happens in this chunker! There's gorilla kids! Elderly enslaved kids! You sail into a mouth! And you get a secret weapon that morphs solstice magic into a [REDACTED] attack! Also: - An Edgier Pac-Man - Don't You Dare Make Fun of Capital…

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Square Roots Christmas Gift Guide 2024 1:11:45

6M ago1:11:45

1:11:45

We decided to drop a special Christmas themed bonus episode for you this week! It's the Square Roots Christmas Gift Guide 2024!!! Join us as we discuss what presents we got for all your favorite RPG characters. We'll be back next week with our regularly scheduled Sea of Stars episode.By Square Roots Podcast

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Sea of Stars - Part 3: Bisects! 2:34:49

6M ago2:34:49

2:34:49

Square Roots - Episode 443 Level Up Starts at 02:00:30! It's a Marvel's Captain America: Civil War on this podcast, as Matthew's Dreamatorium Podcast Within A Podcast is squaring off against Johnny's Dreamcast, a podcast within a podcast. But also we played more Sea of Stars! And we got to the big End of Act 1 twist! Gasp! Things change! Allegience…

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Sea of Stars - Part 2: A Neck Romancer 2:58:56

6M ago2:58:56

2:58:56

Square Roots - Episode 442 Level Up Starts at 02:23:18 The adventure truly begins as Johnny joins forces with Matt, Jim and Vanessa to tackle the pressing question about Sea of Stars: What the hell is this Wheels game anyway? Also we meet some fourth wall breaking pirates and fight two separate necromancers. Also: - Garl is the Jimminy Cricket - Jo…

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Sea of Stars - Part 1: But Have You Seen A Whole Boob? 2:19:49

7M ago2:19:49

2:19:49

Square Roots - Episode 441 Level Up Starts At 01:50:15 On this celestial episode of Square Roots, Jim guides Vanessa and Matt through the opening of 2023's beloved throwback style RPG, Sea of Stars. That's right: Vanessa plays a pixel game like some kind of baby, and it doesn't make her feel better when the game just keeps on the baby-themes for th…

1
Would You Eat This Bird? The 2024 Edition 1:37:48

7M ago1:37:48

1:37:48

Square Roots - American Thanksgiving Bonus On this Square Roots, we're going to learn how to say no to drugs when a 8 year old tries to give you free weed. Or how you'll deflate like a balloon on your couch. Wait, no, that's not what we do on this episode. On this episode we look at sixteen birds - 15 of which are from Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth so be…

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Dishonored Part 6: BAMF! 2:00:24

7M ago2:00:24

2:00:24

Square Roots - Episode 440 Level Up Starts at 1:47:45! Today is all about silly funny fun. There's goofy fun adventures, and our bestest princess of light and good and low chaos allows an old man to continue to live tied to machines and under the control of his slightly mad nurse. She also helps an unconscious woman have her dream wedding with a co…

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Dishonored Part 5: Big Labia Energy 2:31:36

7M ago2:31:36

2:31:36

Dishonored Part 5: Big Lesbian Energy Square Roots Episode 439 This ep has a LOT of positive energy! We're all in a GREAT mood! Too much talk about labias Imperial Majesty Vanessa Hot Gay News! Johnny pulls a real life Mr. Bean and plays the wrong DLC EVERYTHING IS AWESOME This Week: Knife of Dunwall Next Week: Finish The Witches of Brigmore! Our P…

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Dishonored Part 4: Is Harry Anderson An 80s Era Brian David Gilbert? 2:18:55

8M ago2:18:55

2:18:55

Dishonored Part 4: Is Harry Anderson An 80s Era Brian David Gilbert? Square Roots - Episode 438 Level Up Starts at 1:55:00! Apologies to Italy, again. There are disparaging remarks made on whether Johnny did or did not finish Dishonored. These are all fabrications. Johnny has submitted video evidence to the Facegroup Group. He has the cheevos to pr…

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Dishonored Part 3: Are You Going To Believe The Outsider, Or Are You Going To Believe Adam Christopher? 2:38:04

8M ago2:38:04

2:38:04

Square Roots - Episode 437 Level Up Starts at 2:01:33! Finally, we get to go to a party! And what a party it is. Lady Boyle sure had a blast in Jim's game. It was one hot party! Her outfit was straight fire! Jim shot her with incendiary bullets! Also Johnny and Vanessa do some ethical kidnapping, and Matthew is sad he didn't just kill all three sis…

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Dishonored Part 2: There Are No Skirts Or Dresses In This Universe 2:30:40

8M ago2:30:40

2:30:40

Square Roots - Episode 436 Level Up Starts at 1:56:45! Don't worry if you tranq'd the dogs like Matt did, the dogs are fine! They were just asleep, and now they're at big farms in Tyria where the dogs can run and play! Such are the cruel realities of Dishonored, the Arkane Studios immersive funulator! - Lactaid is the PreP of the Dairy World - Let …

1
Dishonored Part 1: Booby Trap 2:56:20

8M ago2:56:20

2:56:20

Square Roots - Episode 435 Level Up Starts at 2:44:00! Matthew defeated nature and survived another hurricane, and we start a new game! This time it's the classic RPG (?) Dishonored, one of those immersive sims. Or 0451 games. Whatever you want to call it! We don't follow the Five Foot Rule of murders, get into jail, get out of jail, navigate some …

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Tactics Ogre Part 7 - Slam In The Back of My Dorgalua 2:29:13

9M ago2:29:13

2:29:13

Square Roots - Episode 434 Level Up Starts at 2:07:45! I was thinking about making this episode description in the style of the Rob Zombie song, but that was too hard. Also? The lyrics are pretty weird. "Dead I am the rat, feast upon the cat, tender is the fur, dying as you purr"? Alright there Robert. BUT! On this chunker we finish Tactics Ogre! A…

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Square Roots vs. Themselves! 1:26:14

9M ago1:26:14

1:26:14

It's a hurricane ep! Matt needs a week off due to weather (coughfootballcough) so the Square Roots gang plays some games and chats about hot gaming news. We will be back next week for the end of Tactics Ogre! This Week: Hot nonsense! Next Week: Finish Tactics Ogre! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his a…

1
Tactics Ogre: Reborn Part 6 - You Put The Party Dude In The Does Machines Slot! 1:42:08

9M ago1:42:08

1:42:08

Square Roots - Episode 432 We're trying something new! Level up is at 01:21:00, so enjoy the quest log first and then dive into our good times of what we played, watched, or who we saw drop a pizza. Vanessa and Matthew fail at rescuing the princess, who is still a bit stabby. Will Johnny rescue her? Find out next episode because Johnny was about si…

1
Tactics Ogre: Reborn Part 5 - Not Abuna Prancett! 1:43:08

9M ago1:43:08

1:43:08

Square Roots - Episode 431 We're trying something new! Level up is at 01:13:00, so enjoy the quest log first and then dive into our good times of what we played, watched, or who we saw drop a pizza. On this stabby chunker of Tactics Ogre, the game has gone full Matsuno. Everyone's getting stabbed. The Hierophant's got a knife. Vyce has a knife. Kni…

1
Tactics Ogre: Reborn Part 4 - The Grievance Corner 1:46:24

9M ago1:46:24

1:46:24

Square Roots - Episode 430 Matt, Vanessa and Johnny pursue a Jimless chunker as they take a castle for the noble Wallisters! Or maybe for the evil Wallisters. Kind of depends on how you play it. Johnny gets a good time route full of fun banter while Matt and Vanessa are punished for their morality by having to explain to a guy why they killed his w…

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Tactics Ogre: Reborn Part 3 - I'm Big Slubba 1:58:53

10M ago1:58:53

1:58:53

Square Roots - Episode 429 There's so much sports talk at the end of this episode. You've been warned. But otherwise on this episode of Square Roots we make our way through Chapter 2 in Tactics Ogre: Reborn! Jim, Vanessa and Matt are doing the chaos path, meanwhile Johnny is doing the Lawful path on Let Us Cling Together, which he may or may not re…

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Tactics Ogre: Reborn Part 2 - That's The Ronwey 1:31:59

10M ago1:31:59

1:31:59

Square Roots - Episode 428 Are you ready for a sublime experience of RPG tactics? What I got for you this week is a quick li'l episode of the Square classic Tactics Ogre, and you don't have to practice Santeria to understand that this means Vanessa had to call in sick. But that's okay! Also: - New Thing Matt Hates: Steam Charts - The DreamCast: Imp…

1
Tactics Ogre: Reborn Part 1 - The Ryan Stiles Tour of Vancouver 2:05:10

10M ago2:05:10

2:05:10

Square Roots - Episode 427 Welcome to this In-Ogre-Al episde of our Tactics Ogre playthrough! You can play Reborn! You can play the PlayStation 1 one! You can play the PSP one! Whatever you want, it's all about various ethnic groups at war. You know it's an Alexander O. Smith translation with all the "neh"s and manses, so get ready for some great b…

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Quantum Break Part 4 - The DreamCast 2:18:49

10M ago2:18:49

2:18:49

Quantum Break Part 4 - The DreamCast Square Roots - Episode 426 It's TIME to wrap up this TIME TALE. We push through the finale of this game with focus and vigor, like a time train smashing through a time building. But beware the time monster! It's obviously coming, and surely this is going to be a fight for the ages. You definitely are going to fi…

1
Quantum Break Part 3 - All The Ponies Are Made of Butter 1:57:07

11M ago1:57:07

1:57:07

Square Roots - Episode 425 On this temporal episode of Square Roots, we explore the conclusion of the Time Knife. It's so long. So, so long. Does SLOBBO die? Does anyone peel off a mask? Whose baby is that, anyway? All this and so much more on tonight's episode of Night Springs. Also: - Matt Is A Blue Mage Now - UFC Surgical Tubing Strangle Attack …

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Quantum Break Part 2 - NO LANGOLIERS TALK 2:14:59

11M ago2:14:59

2:14:59

Square Roots - Episode 424 It's a time mix-up game! On this episode of Square Roots we play through Act 2 of Quantum Break, which involves a lot of time ships, time jumps, time shields, time soldiers and time knives. And a severe bob. Just a heads up we misgender Ezra Miller a few times - we'll make sure to be more cognizant of this going forward. …

1
Quantum Break Part 1 - Gandalf has a HUGE ASS 2:17:41

11M ago2:17:41

2:17:41

Square Roots - Episode 423 Please note Johnny misread the number of episodes on his Amazon Prime Video app, and was wrong. Very wrong. You don't need to tell Johnny he was wrong. There are 9 episodes to the 2020 The Stand miniseries. Not 6. Each host has, in turn, told Johnny he was wrong after recording and that's terrible. Alright! It's time to b…

1
Fallout 3 Part 5 - Biwwy's Waser Wifle 2:12:59

11M ago2:12:59

2:12:59

Square Roots - Episode 422 On this episode of Square Roots we listen to a few more of Sticky's stories in the divisive Fallout 3. Oh yeah, we also finish the game! And there's a robot that sounds like Optimus Prime! And we deal with the problems haunting our Vault! And maybe talk an Ant Lady out of being an Ant Lady and a Robot Man out of being a R…

1
Fallout 3 Part 4 - Vanessa's Acers 2:20:46

12M ago2:20:46

2:20:46

Square Roots - Episode 421 On this episode of Square Roots, we get to the ROOT of Harold's problem. You might say we cut to the HEART of the issue. And we RESCUE CHILDREN from a slavers camp, which isn't a pun but merely a factual thing that happens. Plus we hear a 100% Authentic Liam Neeson Death Rattle, and prove once and for all that the only th…

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