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When One Chases and the Other Runs: Understanding the Pursuer-Withdrawer Dynamics in Couples

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Content provided by Jacqueline Trumbull and Kibby McMahon, Jacqueline Trumbull, and Kibby McMahon. All podcast content including episodes, graphics, and podcast descriptions are uploaded and provided directly by Jacqueline Trumbull and Kibby McMahon, Jacqueline Trumbull, and Kibby McMahon or their podcast platform partner. If you believe someone is using your copyrighted work without your permission, you can follow the process outlined here https://ppacc.player.fm/legal.

Send us a text! (add your email to get a response)

Feeling stuck in the same arguments with your partner? Does it feel like a cycle of one of you is chasing and the other is running away? In this episode, we talk about the problematic cycle behind recurring relationship conflicts through the lens of Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT).
We break down the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic: that frustrating cycle where one person pushes for connection while the other pulls away. What looks like rejection or criticism on the surface actually masks deeper attachment needs and fears. You may be the one desperately trying to get your partner to engage, or one who shuts down when emotions run high.

We argue that pursuers and withdrawers are actually fighting for the relationship in their own ways. Drawing from recent EFT research and our personal experiences, these patterns develop from childhood experiences and attachment styles.

We also talk about important strategies for breaking this pursue-withdrawal cycle of disconnection. For example, we cover TEMPO framework that helps couples identify what triggers their defensive reactions and how to communicate underlying needs more effectively. We also discuss how co-regulation and vulnerability can break destructive cycles and create deeper connection.

**If you are in a relationship with someone struggling with explosive emotions, you may be caught in these destructive cycles. Book a free call with Dr. Kibby to learn about how the KulaMind program helps people like you break the cycle.

Resources:

Support the show

  • Follow @kulamind on Instagram for podcast updates and science-backed insights on staying sane while loving someone emotionally explosive.

  continue reading

Chapters

1. Introduction to Pursuer-Withdrawer Dynamic (00:00:00)

2. Life Updates and Transitions (00:05:10)

3. Processing Childhood Trauma (00:14:04)

4. Understanding EFT and Relationship Cycles (00:28:53)

5. The Withdrawer's Experience (00:35:42)

6. The Pursuer's Perspective (00:43:57)

7. Personal Reflections on Relationship Patterns (00:49:59)

8. Final Thoughts and Resources (00:59:23)

154 episodes

Artwork
iconShare
 
Manage episode 486873223 series 2859785
Content provided by Jacqueline Trumbull and Kibby McMahon, Jacqueline Trumbull, and Kibby McMahon. All podcast content including episodes, graphics, and podcast descriptions are uploaded and provided directly by Jacqueline Trumbull and Kibby McMahon, Jacqueline Trumbull, and Kibby McMahon or their podcast platform partner. If you believe someone is using your copyrighted work without your permission, you can follow the process outlined here https://ppacc.player.fm/legal.

Send us a text! (add your email to get a response)

Feeling stuck in the same arguments with your partner? Does it feel like a cycle of one of you is chasing and the other is running away? In this episode, we talk about the problematic cycle behind recurring relationship conflicts through the lens of Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT).
We break down the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic: that frustrating cycle where one person pushes for connection while the other pulls away. What looks like rejection or criticism on the surface actually masks deeper attachment needs and fears. You may be the one desperately trying to get your partner to engage, or one who shuts down when emotions run high.

We argue that pursuers and withdrawers are actually fighting for the relationship in their own ways. Drawing from recent EFT research and our personal experiences, these patterns develop from childhood experiences and attachment styles.

We also talk about important strategies for breaking this pursue-withdrawal cycle of disconnection. For example, we cover TEMPO framework that helps couples identify what triggers their defensive reactions and how to communicate underlying needs more effectively. We also discuss how co-regulation and vulnerability can break destructive cycles and create deeper connection.

**If you are in a relationship with someone struggling with explosive emotions, you may be caught in these destructive cycles. Book a free call with Dr. Kibby to learn about how the KulaMind program helps people like you break the cycle.

Resources:

Support the show

  • Follow @kulamind on Instagram for podcast updates and science-backed insights on staying sane while loving someone emotionally explosive.

  continue reading

Chapters

1. Introduction to Pursuer-Withdrawer Dynamic (00:00:00)

2. Life Updates and Transitions (00:05:10)

3. Processing Childhood Trauma (00:14:04)

4. Understanding EFT and Relationship Cycles (00:28:53)

5. The Withdrawer's Experience (00:35:42)

6. The Pursuer's Perspective (00:43:57)

7. Personal Reflections on Relationship Patterns (00:49:59)

8. Final Thoughts and Resources (00:59:23)

154 episodes

All episodes

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Send us a text! (add your email to get a response) When does our help cross the line from supportive to harmful for our loved ones with mental health challenges? In this episode we dive deep into the complex dynamics of "unintentional reinforcement," a less judgmental term for "enabling" that acknowledges how our best intentions can sometimes backfire. Drawing from personal experiences with addiction, depression, and avoidance behaviors, we explore how our actions sometimes shield our loved ones from the very consequences that might motivate change. Whether it's financially supporting a partner who refuses to work, making excuses for someone's alcohol abuse, or accommodating anxiety-driven avoidance, these patterns can gradually trap both parties in cycles that feel impossible to break. What makes these situations particularly challenging is when we feel stuck between either "enabling" destructive behaviors or dealing with other consequences. When we point out the problem, they often retreat further into problematic behaviors. Through practical examples and psychological insights, we discuss strategies for shifting these dynamics without abandoning those we love. We highlight that boundaries aren't selfish- they're necessary. By intentionally encouraging healthy behaviors while allowing natural consequences for unhealthy ones, we can boost motivation for positive change. And by recognizing when our own needs for caretaking or control might be part of the problem, we gain the clarity to make difficult but loving choices. Ready to transform your relationship with someone struggling with mental health or addiction? Check out KulaMind , our community support platform where we're learning together how to break free from unhealthy patterns and set boundaries that stick. Resources: Foote, J., Wilkens, C., Kosanke, N., & Higgs, S. (2014). Beyond addiction: How science and kindness help people change . Simon and Schuster. Support the show If you're navigating someone's mental health or emotional issues, join KulaMind, our community and support platform . In KulaMind, we'll help you set healthy boundaries, advocate for yourself, and support your loved one. Follow @kulamind on Instagram for podcast updates and science-backed insights on staying sane while loving someone emotionally explosive. For more info about this podcast, check out: www.alittlehelpforourfriends.com…
 
Send us a text! (add your email to get a response) Humiliation might be the most painful social emotion we experience, even traumatizing. Yet it's much less talked about compared to its cousin, shame. In this revealing episode, we unpack the distinct characteristics that make humiliation uniquely devastating and potentially dangerous. When someone in a position of power debases you in public, that's not just intense shame- it's humiliation. You simply experience a profound loss of status and dignity. While someone might humiliate you to "teach you a lesson" or make you change, but it only brings up a powerful urge for revenge. We explore how this emotional response plays out across various contexts—from relationships where partners use humiliation as a power tactic, parents humiliate their kids as discipline, to political landscapes where people who are humiliated become radicalized. We talk about how public humiliation can devastate someone's life, while contemporary cancel culture creates new avenues for status destruction. Finally, we discuss pathways for healing after humiliation. While revenge might feel satisfying in the moment, understanding the true costs of vengeance versus genuine recovery offers a more hopeful way forward. Join KulaMind , our community and program for people with loved ones struggling with mental health. We teach essential skills for managing crises, setting boundaries, and practicing self-care during challenging relationships. Support the show If you're navigating someone's mental health or emotional issues, join KulaMind, our community and support platform . In KulaMind, we'll help you set healthy boundaries, advocate for yourself, and support your loved one. Follow @kulamind on Instagram for podcast updates and science-backed insights on staying sane while loving someone emotionally explosive. For more info about this podcast, check out: www.alittlehelpforourfriends.com…
 
Send us a text! (add your email to get a response) What happens when cultural expectations of family loyalty collide with the reality of narcissistic abuse? In this special episode, licensed clinical social worker Agatha Peters brings a fresh perspective to this complex intersection, drawing from her personal journey as a Nigerian-American and her professional expertise working with clients from collectivist cultures. For those raised in communities where family honor and respect for elders are paramount values, recognizing and addressing narcissistic relationships presents unique challenges that go far beyond standard Western approaches to mental health. We explore how narcissistic parents in collectivist cultures can weaponize community expectations, creating situations where victims not only face abuse at home but also community reinforcement of harmful dynamics. This creates a devastating cycle where victims are gaslit not just by their abuser but by entire communities who view their complaints as dishonoring family or tradition. Most powerfully, Peters shares how becoming a mother transformed her understanding of her own experiences. This discussion offered us profound insights into healing while honoring cultural identity. Subscribe now and join the conversation about supporting loved ones through their mental health journeys. **If you or someone you love is a victim of narcissistic abuse, book a free call with us or j oin the KulaMind community to get the tools, expert guidance, and peer support you need. Resources: Check out Agatha Peters' book: Trapped in Their Script: Reclaim Your Life from Narcissistic Parents & Cultural Expectations Support the show If you're navigating someone's mental health or emotional issues, join KulaMind, our community and support platform . In KulaMind, we'll help you set healthy boundaries, advocate for yourself, and support your loved one. Follow @kulamind on Instagram for podcast updates and science-backed insights on staying sane while loving someone emotionally explosive. For more info about this podcast, check out: www.alittlehelpforourfriends.com…
 
Send us a text! (add your email to get a response) What happens when you look into a stranger's eyes and suddenly realize what's been missing from your marriage all along? In this episode, bestselling author Amber Rae joins us to share her transformative journey from a nine-year relationship that checked all the boxes on paper but lacked true intimacy and connection. Amber's story challenges our conventional understanding of commitment, revealing how we can unknowingly convince ourselves that relationships are working when essential needs remain unmet. "I didn't know I was pretending," she reflects, describing how she repeatedly tried to fix her marriage through therapy, self-help books, and doubting herself. The wake-up call came unexpectedly when she experienced an electric yet calm connection with a stranger that made her question everything. We talk about what it's like to question your relationship or feel stuck between staying and leaving. Amber explores our patterns – whether we tend to leave too quickly or stay too long out of fear or people-pleasing – and provides permission to honor our authentic needs. Beyond relationship insights, Amber shares her process of writing her new memoir "Lovable," describing how she created a "brave draft" by writing as if no one would read it. This approach to truth-telling mirrors what's needed in our relationships: the courage to see and speak our truths before considering how they'll be received. Whether you're questioning your current relationship, healing from a past one, or simply curious about authentic connection, this conversation offers both validation and a framework for honest exploration. If you need more support in this journey, join our KulaMind Community for more relationship tools and connection with others walking similar paths. 50% discount off the first month if you sign up now! Resources: Check out Amber Rae 's site and her Instagram @heyamberrae Pre-order her new book "Loveable: One Woman's Path from Good to Free" out August 5th! Support the show If you're navigating someone's mental health or emotional issues, join KulaMind, our community and support platform . In KulaMind, we'll help you set healthy boundaries, advocate for yourself, and support your loved one. Follow @kulamind on Instagram for podcast updates and science-backed insights on staying sane while loving someone emotionally explosive. For more info about this podcast, check out: www.alittlehelpforourfriends.com…
 
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Send us a text! (add your email to get a response) Feeling stuck in the same arguments with your partner? Does it feel like a cycle of one of you is chasing and the other is running away? In this episode, we talk about the problematic cycle behind recurring relationship conflicts through the lens of Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT). We break down the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic: that frustrating cycle where one person pushes for connection while the other pulls away. What looks like rejection or criticism on the surface actually masks deeper attachment needs and fears. You may be the one desperately trying to get your partner to engage, or one who shuts down when emotions run high. We argue that pursuers and withdrawers are actually fighting for the relationship in their own ways. Drawing from recent EFT research and our personal experiences, these patterns develop from childhood experiences and attachment styles. We also talk about important strategies for breaking this pursue-withdrawal cycle of disconnection. For example, we cover TEMPO framework that helps couples identify what triggers their defensive reactions and how to communicate underlying needs more effectively. We also discuss how co-regulation and vulnerability can break destructive cycles and create deeper connection. **If you are in a relationship with someone struggling with explosive emotions, you may be caught in these destructive cycles. Book a free call with Dr. Kibby to learn about how the KulaMind program helps people like you break the cycle. Resources: Johnson, S. (2022). The hold me tight workbook: a couple's guide for a lifetime of love . Little, Brown Spark. Support the show If you're navigating someone's mental health or emotional issues, join KulaMind, our community and support platform . In KulaMind, we'll help you set healthy boundaries, advocate for yourself, and support your loved one. Follow @kulamind on Instagram for podcast updates and science-backed insights on staying sane while loving someone emotionally explosive. For more info about this podcast, check out: www.alittlehelpforourfriends.com…
 
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Send us a text! (add your email to get a response) The invisible connection between trauma and sexual intimacy affects countless relationships, yet remains largely hidden in silence and shame. In this episode, we dive deep into why PTSD creates significant barriers to healthy sexual function—even when the original trauma had nothing to do with sex. Sexual arousal shares remarkable physiological similarities with threat response, creating a devastating paradox for trauma survivors. The racing heart, flushed skin, and heightened sensitivity that should signal pleasure become warning signs of danger to a traumatized nervous system. Beyond the physiological responses, trauma rewires our capacity for connection. Partners often interpret this withdrawal as personal rejection, creating a destructive cycle that leaves both feeling isolated and misunderstood. If you or someone you love struggles with trauma's impact on intimacy, know that recovery is possible. Effective trauma treatment can help break the association between arousal and threat. Partners play a crucial role by educating themselves about PTSD, creating safety without enabling avoidance, and maintaining patience through the healing process. Digital self-help resources and specialized trauma therapy can provide accessible starting points for reconnecting with your capacity for intimacy after trauma. **Have you noticed how trauma affects your relationships? Healing happens when we break the silence around these struggles. If you walk to talk through it and get help, book a call with Dr. Kibby. Resources: PTSD Coach Mobile app Rebound Health Support the show If you're navigating someone's mental health or emotional issues, join KulaMind, our community and support platform . In KulaMind, we'll help you set healthy boundaries, advocate for yourself, and support your loved one. Follow @kulamind on Instagram for podcast updates and science-backed insights on staying sane while loving someone emotionally explosive. For more info about this podcast, check out: www.alittlehelpforourfriends.com…
 
Send us a text! (add your email to get a response) Do we always have to choose between caring for ourselves vs. caring for others? Nope! Dr. Jordan Quaglia, associate professor at Naropa University, introduces us to "We-Care" – a revolutionary approach to caring that blends self-care and caring for others into an integrated practice where they mutually reinforce each other. Drawing from over a decade of research in mindfulness, compassion, and boundaries, Dr. Quaglia explains how self-care has evolved from a medical term to today's ubiquitous wellness practice, but suggests we're now ready for something more interconnected. The conversation delves into "care blind spots" – patterns in how we approach care that remain invisible to us. Some people habitually prioritize others at their own expense, while others may emphasize self-care to the point of undermining their social connections. When discussing boundaries, Dr. Quaglia challenges conventional wisdom. Rather than seeing boundaries merely as expressions of self-care, he reframes them as actions that modify social situations to better align with our needs, values, and goals – while remaining awake to how our boundaries affect others. Healthy boundaries, when rooted in We-Care, balance both protection and connection. At the end of the conversation, Dr. Quaglia leads us through a "reverse self-compassion" practice that embodies We-Care principles, showing us what Dr. Qualia calls an "undivided heart" – the capacity to hold both self-care and care for others simultaneously. ***If you have a loved one with mental illness and struggle to set boundaries, take care of yourself AND them at the same time, book a call with Dr. Kibby to learn how the KulaMind program can help. Resources: Check out Dr. Quaglia's new book hot off the presses: "From Self-Care to WeCare: The New Science of Mindful Boundaries and Caring from an Undivided Heart" Dr. Quaglia's IG @mindfulboundaries Support the show If you're navigating someone's mental health or emotional issues, join KulaMind, our community and support platform . In KulaMind, we'll help you set healthy boundaries, advocate for yourself, and support your loved one. Follow @kulamind on Instagram for podcast updates and science-backed insights on staying sane while loving someone emotionally explosive. For more info about this podcast, check out: www.alittlehelpforourfriends.com…
 
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