232 – Hate Makes It Impossible, To Be A Better Man

Being A Better Man

#Tech #Fitness #Podcasting Education #Alf Herigstad

40:22

There’s only so much you can do in a week – or, according to Oliver Burkeman, in the roughly 4,000 weeks the average human lives. Oliver is a journalist and author of the books Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals, Meditations for Mortals, and the newsletter “The Imperfectionist.” Chris and Oliver discuss the paradox of why change can only occur once we accept that we might not be able to change. Oliver also shares how life’s mishaps can become our most treasured memories and why sharing your imperfections is an act of generosity. For the full text transcript, visit go.ted.com/BHTranscripts For the full text transcript, visit go.ted.com/BHTranscripts For a chance to give your own TED Talk, fill out the Idea Search Application: ted.com/ideasearch . Interested in learning more about upcoming TED events? Follow these links: TEDNext: ted.com/futureyou Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.…

8 years ago 14:32

MP3•Episode home

Hate Makes It Impossible, To Be A better Man…

As many of you know, since starting this podcast some 232 episodes ago I have been very diligent about not getting political. I have not discussed politics or religion or anything else that tends to divide people. My reason for that is because I have always found it more beneficial to focus on things that make us similar to other people…rather than the things that make us different.

I still believe that is true. For example, we are all men, regardless of what color we are or what political party we are aligned with or what Gods we pray to. At the end of the day, we are just human men, trying to be better than we were yesterday. Nothing positive has ever been gained from dividing people into groups based on these types of things. That is why I have steered away from this kind of thing and instead have been focused on manhood in such a way that it can apply to everyone.

Well, today it may seem like I am veering from that course a bit. Today I will be making a very pointed observation about something going on right now. If it offends you, you are free to never listen to me again. If it offends you, then you are obviously not aligned with the message this podcast offers. I would add that if you are offended by today’s podcast to at least also give yourself the benefit of hearing me out.

Before I get into all that I am going to take a minute to acknowledge the sponsor of today’s program, Stump Town Kilts. One thing I want you to know about these kilts is that they aren’t just clothes. They are not just another garment. In my personal experience these kilts are actually gear. What I mean is that they are built and designed to perform a job, and they do it very well.

I have three of these kilts and I have beat them up. I live an active life and I tend to destroy things in record time, especially clothes…just ask my wife. I have put these three kilts through the stress test and still every time when I take them out of the washer they still look great. That’s what I mean by gear—they just keep on performing and looking great for everything I need them to do.

It’s all because of the way they are crafted. Each kilt Stump Town makes is attended to by people who actually give a crap about what kind of product they are selling. Combine that with the innovative design and other features that are exclusive to Stump Town and you wind up with the best kilt available in my opinion.

Right now you can get a substantial discount on your very own Stump Town Kilt simply by entering the code; betterman at checkout. All lower case, all one word. To get there, just type in stumptownkilts.com but whatever you do, remember to enter the code betterman at checkout.

Ok, so now it’s time to talk about today’s topic. The reason I feel compelled to talk about it is because our country is in strife right now. For those of you listening from countries outside the US I’m sure you have heard of it as well. Our country is being divided—pulled apart. People are polarized to levels I have never seen in my lifetime.

I am not going to talk about all the causes and all the various schools of thought though. Today I’m going to narrow it down to just one subject in particular because it deals directly with men. The character of men and the behavior of men.

I just watched one of the many videos out there that show what was happening on the streets of Charlottesville VA. What I saw were grown men, cowardly men, striking a woman and knocking her down, spitting on her and screaming at her.

I saw people being hit with objects and with fists and other acts of violence. All for no reason, other than the fact that the people they were hitting had a different opinion. Or they were a different color, or they were defending someone of a different color.

The people responsible for the violence, to include the death of one woman who was ran over by a car, call themselves white nationalists. From what I understand that includes white supremacists of every stripe, Nazi’s, the ku klux klan, skin heads, and other such groups. From what I understand many of these groups were represented that day in Charlottesville.

Many people in America are coming unhinged right now because after the tragic events that occurred the President gave a speech. In that speech he spoke out against hate in all of it’s forms, but he never directly denounced or condemned the actions of these violent demonstrators or called their groups out by name. When attacked for that he doubled down and defended his lack of condemnation. Then, two full days after the speech under huge political pressure—he finally called them by name.

Some defenders of these violent hate groups are defending them by saying that are not Nazi’s, merely disaffected, frustrated white youth asserting themselves. That might wash it it were not for the Nazi slogans, rhetoric, and salutes.

I’m not a news reporter. I’m not here to tell you what happened or what I think of it from a political perspective. I am just a guy who talks to men about trying to be better men. So I’m here to go on the record with my official statement about these hate groups.

I condemn these groups, their agenda, and the actual people within these groups that use this agenda to cause harm to other humans. Furthermore, I believe these men are not actually men at all, not even the old ones. Rather I believe them to be ignorant, frustrated boys who for the first time in their pathetic life found a way to feel powerful by diminishing others. They are cowards. I’ll go on to say that if you are a white supremacist of any kind that it is impossible for you to be a better man. If you are any kind of supremacist at all, if your life is fueled by hate of any kind, it is impossible to be a better man until you change the way you think.

The really sad part to me is that a lot of these guys are literally boys. Very young men without the experience or wisdom to realize they were getting swept up into something that was bad…and stupid. That is a sad thing because it means the other men in their lives prior to that if there were any, were not doing their job. they weren’t being the example they needed to be. It’s no excuse of course, they are all responsible for the path they have chosen.

However, there may be guys out there on the verge. Guys frustrated with the hand life has dealt them. They may be drawn to the rhetoric and promises of power, unity, and freedom that these groups offer. These guys are on the edge, they have not pulled the trigger yet. There is still hope for these guys. That hope comes in the form of everyone else around them taking the time to inform and educate them about their decision and opinions. If any guys in that boat are listening I invite you to write to me. I also urge you to be responsible for your own mind. Do some research, look at history. Do not blindly follow anyone, do not be a sheep. Don’t even follow me, instead be your own man with your own mind who makes your own decisions about what is right.

You know as I was watching this video I put myself in the place of a Jewish man, as a group with torches was chanting anti-semitic slogans. I became angry. I could almost imagine for a moment what that must feel like. To be a Jewish person and hearing these chants. I could almost imagine it, but not quite, because I am not a Jewish man. I still became very angry though.

Do not confuse what I’m saying. I have zero problem with people being proud of their ethnicity, I am very proud and happy that I am Norwegian for example. I am proud of my ancestors and the trials they prevailed through. It’s good to know where my family came from. I’m not better than anyone else because I’m Norwegian though. If I’m going to be better than anyone, it has to be the man I was yesterday. It has to be by my own efforts and not because I happened to be born a certain shade.

I think every person should be proud of their ethnicity, or have the freedom to be if they want to. That does not include putting people of other ethnicities down though…that’s just stupid.

I am an American of Norwegian descent, but that is not the first thing I am. The first thing I am is a human being. The second thing I am is a man, followed by a husband and son and father. Being Norwegian comes after all this other stuff. We are all just human beings. We are part of the same race, the human race.

My advice to all the decent people out there who are listening is this; 1.) Speak out intelligently about these matters when you see them raised. If you need to educate yourself first in order to speak intelligently about it, do that. 2.) It may be difficult, but try not to hate the hate groups. Hate of any kind is unhealthy and unproductive. Hatred is a disease and it is not an effective weapon. A much more effective weapon is reason and logic. You might pity them for their ignorance. You might dislike them intensely as I do, but try not to hate them. If you hate them then you aren’t so different from them. 3.) Always, every day, stay committed to the mission of being a better man than you were yesterday. Every man who does this is making a difference in the world.

That’s all I’m going to say about that for today. I welcome your letters on this topic. Just email me at: alf@beingbetter.men and tell me whats on your mind. Remember though, I’m leaving for an adventure in the Nevada desert on August 23rd and I won’t get back until September 3rd. So there may be a delay on my response, but I will respond. Also, because I will be out of town and away from technology there won’t be any podcast for the next couple of weeks. The next time you here me will be during the week of September 4th. If you want to be sure and catch me when I come back just subscribe to this podcast on iTunes and you should be notified when I return. Or, follow me on Facebook, you’ll be sure to see me there as well.

Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon.

(GET THE BOOK HERE)

Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links.

PATREON

STUMPTOWN KILTS

AUDIBLE

FACEBOOK

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234 episodes

Being A Better Man

232 – Hate Makes It Impossible, To Be A Better Man

Being A Better Man

published 8 years ago

MP3•Episode home

Hate Makes It Impossible, To Be A better Man…

As many of you know, since starting this podcast some 232 episodes ago I have been very diligent about not getting political. I have not discussed politics or religion or anything else that tends to divide people. My reason for that is because I have always found it more beneficial to focus on things that make us similar to other people…rather than the things that make us different.

I still believe that is true. For example, we are all men, regardless of what color we are or what political party we are aligned with or what Gods we pray to. At the end of the day, we are just human men, trying to be better than we were yesterday. Nothing positive has ever been gained from dividing people into groups based on these types of things. That is why I have steered away from this kind of thing and instead have been focused on manhood in such a way that it can apply to everyone.

Well, today it may seem like I am veering from that course a bit. Today I will be making a very pointed observation about something going on right now. If it offends you, you are free to never listen to me again. If it offends you, then you are obviously not aligned with the message this podcast offers. I would add that if you are offended by today’s podcast to at least also give yourself the benefit of hearing me out.

Before I get into all that I am going to take a minute to acknowledge the sponsor of today’s program, Stump Town Kilts. One thing I want you to know about these kilts is that they aren’t just clothes. They are not just another garment. In my personal experience these kilts are actually gear. What I mean is that they are built and designed to perform a job, and they do it very well.

I have three of these kilts and I have beat them up. I live an active life and I tend to destroy things in record time, especially clothes…just ask my wife. I have put these three kilts through the stress test and still every time when I take them out of the washer they still look great. That’s what I mean by gear—they just keep on performing and looking great for everything I need them to do.

It’s all because of the way they are crafted. Each kilt Stump Town makes is attended to by people who actually give a crap about what kind of product they are selling. Combine that with the innovative design and other features that are exclusive to Stump Town and you wind up with the best kilt available in my opinion.

Right now you can get a substantial discount on your very own Stump Town Kilt simply by entering the code; betterman at checkout. All lower case, all one word. To get there, just type in stumptownkilts.com but whatever you do, remember to enter the code betterman at checkout.

Ok, so now it’s time to talk about today’s topic. The reason I feel compelled to talk about it is because our country is in strife right now. For those of you listening from countries outside the US I’m sure you have heard of it as well. Our country is being divided—pulled apart. People are polarized to levels I have never seen in my lifetime.

I am not going to talk about all the causes and all the various schools of thought though. Today I’m going to narrow it down to just one subject in particular because it deals directly with men. The character of men and the behavior of men.

I just watched one of the many videos out there that show what was happening on the streets of Charlottesville VA. What I saw were grown men, cowardly men, striking a woman and knocking her down, spitting on her and screaming at her.

I saw people being hit with objects and with fists and other acts of violence. All for no reason, other than the fact that the people they were hitting had a different opinion. Or they were a different color, or they were defending someone of a different color.

The people responsible for the violence, to include the death of one woman who was ran over by a car, call themselves white nationalists. From what I understand that includes white supremacists of every stripe, Nazi’s, the ku klux klan, skin heads, and other such groups. From what I understand many of these groups were represented that day in Charlottesville.

Many people in America are coming unhinged right now because after the tragic events that occurred the President gave a speech. In that speech he spoke out against hate in all of it’s forms, but he never directly denounced or condemned the actions of these violent demonstrators or called their groups out by name. When attacked for that he doubled down and defended his lack of condemnation. Then, two full days after the speech under huge political pressure—he finally called them by name.

Some defenders of these violent hate groups are defending them by saying that are not Nazi’s, merely disaffected, frustrated white youth asserting themselves. That might wash it it were not for the Nazi slogans, rhetoric, and salutes.

I’m not a news reporter. I’m not here to tell you what happened or what I think of it from a political perspective. I am just a guy who talks to men about trying to be better men. So I’m here to go on the record with my official statement about these hate groups.

I condemn these groups, their agenda, and the actual people within these groups that use this agenda to cause harm to other humans. Furthermore, I believe these men are not actually men at all, not even the old ones. Rather I believe them to be ignorant, frustrated boys who for the first time in their pathetic life found a way to feel powerful by diminishing others. They are cowards. I’ll go on to say that if you are a white supremacist of any kind that it is impossible for you to be a better man. If you are any kind of supremacist at all, if your life is fueled by hate of any kind, it is impossible to be a better man until you change the way you think.

The really sad part to me is that a lot of these guys are literally boys. Very young men without the experience or wisdom to realize they were getting swept up into something that was bad…and stupid. That is a sad thing because it means the other men in their lives prior to that if there were any, were not doing their job. they weren’t being the example they needed to be. It’s no excuse of course, they are all responsible for the path they have chosen.

However, there may be guys out there on the verge. Guys frustrated with the hand life has dealt them. They may be drawn to the rhetoric and promises of power, unity, and freedom that these groups offer. These guys are on the edge, they have not pulled the trigger yet. There is still hope for these guys. That hope comes in the form of everyone else around them taking the time to inform and educate them about their decision and opinions. If any guys in that boat are listening I invite you to write to me. I also urge you to be responsible for your own mind. Do some research, look at history. Do not blindly follow anyone, do not be a sheep. Don’t even follow me, instead be your own man with your own mind who makes your own decisions about what is right.

You know as I was watching this video I put myself in the place of a Jewish man, as a group with torches was chanting anti-semitic slogans. I became angry. I could almost imagine for a moment what that must feel like. To be a Jewish person and hearing these chants. I could almost imagine it, but not quite, because I am not a Jewish man. I still became very angry though.

Do not confuse what I’m saying. I have zero problem with people being proud of their ethnicity, I am very proud and happy that I am Norwegian for example. I am proud of my ancestors and the trials they prevailed through. It’s good to know where my family came from. I’m not better than anyone else because I’m Norwegian though. If I’m going to be better than anyone, it has to be the man I was yesterday. It has to be by my own efforts and not because I happened to be born a certain shade.

I think every person should be proud of their ethnicity, or have the freedom to be if they want to. That does not include putting people of other ethnicities down though…that’s just stupid.

I am an American of Norwegian descent, but that is not the first thing I am. The first thing I am is a human being. The second thing I am is a man, followed by a husband and son and father. Being Norwegian comes after all this other stuff. We are all just human beings. We are part of the same race, the human race.

My advice to all the decent people out there who are listening is this; 1.) Speak out intelligently about these matters when you see them raised. If you need to educate yourself first in order to speak intelligently about it, do that. 2.) It may be difficult, but try not to hate the hate groups. Hate of any kind is unhealthy and unproductive. Hatred is a disease and it is not an effective weapon. A much more effective weapon is reason and logic. You might pity them for their ignorance. You might dislike them intensely as I do, but try not to hate them. If you hate them then you aren’t so different from them. 3.) Always, every day, stay committed to the mission of being a better man than you were yesterday. Every man who does this is making a difference in the world.

That’s all I’m going to say about that for today. I welcome your letters on this topic. Just email me at: alf@beingbetter.men and tell me whats on your mind. Remember though, I’m leaving for an adventure in the Nevada desert on August 23rd and I won’t get back until September 3rd. So there may be a delay on my response, but I will respond. Also, because I will be out of town and away from technology there won’t be any podcast for the next couple of weeks. The next time you here me will be during the week of September 4th. If you want to be sure and catch me when I come back just subscribe to this podcast on iTunes and you should be notified when I return. Or, follow me on Facebook, you’ll be sure to see me there as well.

Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon.

(GET THE BOOK HERE)

Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links.

PATREON

STUMPTOWN KILTS

AUDIBLE

FACEBOOK

234 episodes

#Tech #Fitness #Podcasting Education #Alf Herigstad

All episodes

Being A Better Man

1
235 – The Return…With guest Les Moore 38:17

8 years ago38:17

38:17

The Return! With special guest, Les Moore. That’s right guy’s, I’m back! It has been almost three whole months since I have released a new podcast. The last episode, number 234 went live on September 18th. Since then my life got a little crazy and I had some unfortunate technical challenges to overcome. During this three month Hiatus I have made a lot of observations, I have gained many insights, and I have continued on the path of being a better man than I was yesterday. I plan to share these insights with you in upcoming episodes. Today however, for my first episode back in a while we have a special guest who is going to share his personal story with us. This interview has been scheduled for about three months as well. In fact we sat down and recorded it one day several weeks ago and that was when I realized that my technology was not working…it didn’t record. Now thankfully, that issue is resolved and and I am finally able to share this inspiring interview with you. This guest started out as a listener of of this show and I noticed him pretty early on for two reasons. One, because he was always liking things and leaving some comments and two, because he had kind of an unusual name that I really liked. Being named Alf all my life, I kind of have a thing for unusual, clever names, I appreciate them. This persons name was Les Moore. Get it? Less…more? Anyway, He and I had a few interactions over the course of time and one day he sent me a letter really explaining what he has been up to. When I heard his story I knew immediately that he should be a guest on the show because he epitomizes what we are trying to do here at Being A Better Man. Les Moore hails from Pennsylvania. He is a 47 year old married father of two daughters. In January of 2014 Les decided that he wasn’t totally happy with himself for reasons I’ll let him explain. He made a decision that would alter the course of not only his own life, but also the lives of his wife and daughters and probably everyone else that knew him. Les Moore decided to become a healthy, vital, man. When he made this decision he weighed 234 pounds. He was on prescriptions for high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Today he weighs 185 pounds, that means he lost 62 pounds of fat, and he is totally off all prescriptions. His blood pressure and cholesterol are normal. Not only that, Les decided to go the extra mile and do the work it took to become an International Sports Sciences Association certified fitness professional. That’s right, Les became a personal trainer and he is training people in his home studio. One of my favorite parts of Les’ story is that he did something I always talk about here; he became an example for his entire family. He became such an example that he inspired his wife Lori to get into the gym and she has lost a staggering 130 pounds as well. There are some things I want you to pay special attention to in this interview: Les’ motivation, the reason he made this decision to become healthy. What is the biggest payoff Les has noticed. Process goals vs. Outcome goals. Advice for the holiday’s Les’ personal message to all of you out there who may want to make a change. Here is a picture of Les, before and after his transformation. From 234 pounds to 185 pounds. Contact Les: Here are links to hook up with Les and ask him questions, or take advantage of his on-line services. He offered to be a resource…so take him up on it. https://m.facebook.com/les.moore.7906 http://www.issacertifiedtrainer.com/lesmoore lesnbj@yahoo.com Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

1
234 – Errors In Judgement, and How To Handle Them 12:02

8 years ago12:02

12:02

Errors In Judgement, and How To Handle Them… Todays program is being brought to you by Stump Town Kilts! they are the makers of the finest kilts available. They are a sponsor of this show because I am a loyal customer of this company and i am happy to stand behind them with my name and reputation. I own three of these kilts and I plan on getting more. Everything about these kilts is top notch; the innovative design, the craftsmanship, the color selection and even the price. I wear them everywhere, doing everything. They are rugged enough for hard work and still nice enough for an evening on the town. Because you are listening to this podcast, you are in luck! You are entitled to a substantial discount by being a Being A Better Man listener. All you have to do is go to their website at: stumptownkilts.com . After you pick out your new kilt just enter the code: betterman at checkout, all lower case, all one word. Do that, and you will become the ecstatic owner of a new Stump Town kilt, at a discounted price. Check them out today at stumptownkilts.com . This week I got a letter from a listener named Kyle. Kyle was wondering if I would talk about something specific, that being; overcoming failure in your life. The kind of failure Kyle was talking about is the same kind of failure each of us have experienced in one way or another. I’m not talking about big things like failing to pass the bar exam or failing to become a millionaire by the time you are 30. No, I’m talking about those little everyday failures. The kinds of things that make you feel regret about who you are and what kind of man you are being. The example Kyle used in his letter was from his own experience. He had been doing well with all of the goals he had set for himself and then one day he went to a casino. He proceeded to get drunk and spend way too much money, he gambled with family money, went home to his wife drunk, and then did the same thing the following day. In his own words, he “made a fool of himself”. We have all done things that we regret after the fact. Maybe you cheated on your wife, or cheated on a test at school? Perhaps you acted inappropriately at an office party? Maybe you let someone down who was really counting on you? You may have treated someone badly for no reason, and now you regret it? There are countless scenarios I could recite and eventually I would get around to that thing you have done. I’ve already named some of the things I have done. Look, none of us are perfect and we are going to make mistakes. We will have errors in judgement. The listener who posed this question, Kyle, refers to these as failures, and he wants to know how you should deal with these things as a man, and how to overcome them. It’s a great question, but right off the bat I’m going to change the wording. I personally don’t like using the word failure in my vocabulary. Some years ago I realized that every so called ‘failure’ was also an opportunity to improve. Failure has such negative connotation. If you go around thinking of yourself as a failure then you will continue to fail—at least that’s my opinion on it. I prefer to call these types of things mistakes, or errors in judgement. Some mistakes are way bigger and have more consequences than others but at the end of the day…it was still an error in judgement that led to it. So, how should we deal with ourselves when we have committed one of these egregious mistakes, and how can we overcome them? In answer to that question I’ll point out that there are two kinds of people in the world. There are people that keep making the same mistakes over and over and over again. Then there are people that make a mistake once or twice, and learn from the experience. The people that learn from the experience don’t make that mistake again. They will go on to make other mistakes because they are human—but they won’t make that one again. There are several things that you should definitely NOT do when you make a horrible mistake. I’ll list a few of those here. You should not justify it in any way. By justifying I mean making excuses so that it doesn’t seem as bad as it is. Some people justify their bad behavior by pointing out other people bad behavior, as though that make it OK. It doesn’t. Do not try to justify your bad behavior. Some guys will become so riddled with guilt and shame over a bad mistake that they aren’t any good for themselves or anyone else. This is extremely counter productive…so don’t do that. Don’t try to cover it up. Covering it up doesn’t make it go away. It will eat at you like poison because you know what you have done. In the meantime, while you are basting in the guilt of your actions, you have become less of a man. Do not blame anyone else or any circumstance or anything for your mistake. It’s your mistake. You are in complete charge of your actions and anything you do is your fault. Ok, that’s the short list of what NOT to do. Now here is what I think you should do when you make this kind of mistake. There isn’t a list because there is only one item. It’s really simple. When you make this kind of mistake or error in judgement, you should own it. Everything you do becomes part of who you are. If you make a mistake just own it, admit it, be honest about exactly what you did that was incorrect regardless of the consequences. The consequences are yours, they are your property and they belong to you. Part of owning your misdeed is accepting the consequences of your actions like a man. Some consequences are horrible, like losing your whole family, divorce, bankruptcy, prison, public humiliation, even death. The list goes on and on. What I’m telling you is that if you want to be a better man you cannot avoid the consequences for your actions. If you have that mindset, it may make a difference in how you make decisions going forward. You may actually be inclined to make fewer of these horrible kinds of mistakes if you believe that everything you do becomes part of who you are along with the consequences. Many mistakes are not so horrible though. They are like bumps in the road and these are the kinds of mistakes most people make regularly. The same rules apply, you have to own the things you do. These more minor mistakes are where I see the most opportunity though. It’s almost impossible to improve or move forward without making mistakes along the way. Every one of these mistakes is a huge opportunity to learn and grow as a man. That’s the second part of my answer to Kyle. He asked how do you overcome these things. My answer is simply to own them, and learn by them. If you are in that second category of people who learn from your mistakes then you are already overcoming them. If you keep making the same mistakes over and over again then you either need professional help, or you need to wake up and realize that there is another way to do life. I’ll be honest with you, I have been where Kyle was. I have disappointed people in my life that mattered. In my life I have said and done things that there was no excuse for, I’m no saint. However, I did have the capacity to learn from these things and ultimately, many of the mistakes I have made have caused me to become a better man than I was before. Because I paid attention, I learned, and I chose to be better, but it all starts with owning the things you do. I hope that answered your question Kyle. If you have a question for me I would love to hear it. There is a form here at the website, or you can just write me an email at: alf@beingbetter.men . That’s it for today guys, now head out into the world and remember that everything you do and say becomes part of who you are. We are the sum total of all our experience, and that includes the not so great stuff. If you own the things you do and learn from them, you will become a better man today than you were yesterday. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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233 – There Are Always Options 14:28

8 years ago14:28

14:28

There Are Always Options… After a very long period of silence It is I, Alf Herigstad, back at the Being A Better Man Microphone. It feels really great to be back. It seems like a very long time since I recorded an episode and in reality it has been exactly 3 weeks. 21 days since I have released an episode. That is the longest absence I have ever had and I was a little worried about what the consequences would be. I was concerned that everyone would just go away and listenership would plummet. I’m happy to report that during my absence 8,476 people still listened to the podcast. That’s awesome. Thank you all for hanging in there. As I told you in the last episode, the reason for my absence is that I was going to the Burning Man festival with my wife, father, and uncle. I was going to be separated from technology for a while because I was going to be camping out in the Nevada desert. Now I am back though, and I have some stories to tell. Some insights to share. The first thing I want to report is that we had an amazing time. It was a fantastic experience with my dad and uncle who are both in their 80’s. We saw epic art and we witnessed extreme cases of human innovation. We met people from many countries and made a lot of new friends. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbow’s though. There were some hard lessons to learn as well on this adventure. Hard lessons are the best kind, because they teach you the most. Before I continue with the rest of this episode I want you to take a wild guess about what I was wearing the whole time I was gone. That’s right! I was wearing Stump Town kilts…what else? I took my black kilt and my green kilt to burning man with me, and I trashed them. The black one was especially destroyed. When I got home it was no longer black. It had become so impregnated with dust and dirt that it was gray. I thought it would never be the same but after it came out of the wash it looked black and beautiful again. I’m telling you guys, these are the best kilts out there. They are durable beyond measure, comfortable, and the unique design makes them extraordinarily useful as well. Stump Town Kilts happens to be a sponsor of this show and if you go to their website: stumptownkilts.com and pick out your new kilt you can receive 10% off your entire purchase by entering the code: betterman, at checkout. All lower case, all one word. Check them out today at stumptownkilts.com and enter the code betterman to receive your discount. The overriding lesson I learned from this experience is also the title of this podcast; “There Are Always Options”. As I go on you will understand what I mean by that. The plan was that my wife, dad and I would drive down from Washington to meet my uncle in Reno and then head up to the event. We were in a 2004 Dodge Grand caravan and it was loaded well beyond capacity with all of our provisions. Even the top was stacked up with about three feet of stuff. You need to take a lot of stuff to a thing like this because nothing is provided for you. All of your infrastructure, food, water and other supplies are up to you. Anyway, we were happily making our way towards Reno with no problems until we where about 20 miles from our destination. That’s when our car threw a rod. It started knocking like crazy and lost power. We coasted down a mountain and limped into the hotel parking lot where my uncle waited. We got a mechanic to come and give us an official diagnosis. After looking at it he said the worst thing that he could have said. He said we needed a new engine. So there we were, 670 miles from home with a car that needed a new engine. Not to mention all the stuff that was packed into that car. Our hearts sunk…we didn’t know what we were going to do. That is when I first started repeating the phrase that there are always options. I was very concerned…don’t get me wrong. I thought we might be in a world of crap but I also knew I had to keep my spirits up. I knew there were options and until we explored every one it was way too early to throw in the towel. We got on the internet and started looking for adequate replacement vehicles we could buy locally. We found some, but they were all way out of our budget. We drove around in my uncles pickup to several car lots and got the same result. Then my dad and uncle had a suggestion. They suggested we go to the local junk yard and see what they had for sale, because they sold cars too. I was dubious, as was my wife. Buying a car from a junkyard would have never entered our minds…but, it was one of the options that came up. I had been chanting the fact that there were always options, there was always a solution to every situation and since this option presented itself, I had to explore it. We went to the junkyard and every car for sale there was about $1,000. We quickly ruled out several of them because they obviously wouldn’t work. There was one car there that I found interesting though. It was a 2003 Windstar mini van. Essentially the same size and configuration as our broken car. We started it up and it seemed to run fine. The inside seemed clean and besides being low on brake fluid, we really couldn’t find anything wrong with it. We decided to buy that car after talking them down to $750. We transferred all the stuff from our old car to the new one and continued on our journey to Burning Man, we only lost one day on our itinerary. We donated our old car to the same junk yard. I gotta tell you, it was a bit stressful. Now we were driving straight out into the desert in a car we bought from a junk yard. We didn’t know if we would make it or not. All we had was hope in that moment. Hope, and the knowledge that whatever happened…there would still be options. Magically, the car made it to the festival without a hitch. We parked and set up our amazing camp and enjoyed the next few days as though nothing had happened. It truly was an amazing few days. We got to show my dad and uncle stuff they had never seen before. I got to hear stories from them I had never heard and I told some stories they had never heard. It was a once in a lifetime unique experience that I am very grateful for. The thing about big experiences like this is that it’s hard to put it in words. It’s very difficult to explain something that was so big and complex. You cannot simultaneously recount every great thing that happened or explain every profound moment. It takes a bit of time to sort it all out—to process it in your mind. I’ve been home about four days now. Yes, that junkyard car brought us safely all the way back home and I have been doing some very diligent processing. I’m going to share the results of some of this high level pondering with you right now. The main thing I came up with is that the stars of this whole experience were my dad Ron, and his brother Bob. These guys were amazing. Throughout my entire car crisis they never lost a step. They stayed calm and upbeat, they were certain it would all work out. Nothing rattled their cage. They continued to joke and laugh and simply live in the moment regardless of what was going on around them. Early in the festival the air conditioner quit working in my uncles RV and it was 107 degrees outside. No problem…they would just drink more water. I was proud to go with them into other camps and watch people admire their story and appreciate them for the men that they were. I could see the admiration in the eyes of others as these two old guys dressed like cowboy’s just made friends everywhere they went. It was all about Ron and Bob…I was just the nephew or the son, and I was happy to be. Watching these guys reaffirmed in me that there is literally nothing in life worth getting upset over. In 80 plus years they have seen it all; tragedy, victory, pain, glory, triumph, death and life. They reminded me that the world keeps spinning around regardless of what we do. Getting bent out of shape about something does not change the outcome, so we may as well be as happy as we can in the meantime. I have said before on this show that I continue to learn from my father, he continues to be my mentor and my example of what manhood is. Now, being in the presence of these two brothers during this experience has made that statement even more true. At 55 years old I still have so much to learn from my elders. Regardless of your age or your station in life don’t forget that. You still have much to learn. We all still have so much to learn and the ones to teach us are those who have already gone through it. So I encourage everyone to seek out the wisdom of men older than you. Wether they are family, a neighbor, or someone you meet on the street—take the time to hear them. Take advantage of their stories and experience and put it to work in your own life. Utilizing the experience, wisdom, and knowledge of men older than you is a very effective human strategy, it has been working since our species began. It’s also another tool to use while you are being a better man today than you were yesterday. Hey remember to check me out on Facebook and Twitter. Write me a letter at: alf@beingbetter.men and tell me how much you missed me, or ask me a question or whatever you want, I love getting mail from you guys. Don’t forget to get my book either if you haven’t. Now head out into the world and be ready to appreciate the wisdom of the older gentleman who have already done the things you hope to do. Remember there are always options, and a bove all, keep on being a better man today than you were yesterday. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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232 – Hate Makes It Impossible, To Be A Better Man 14:32

8 years ago14:32

14:32

Hate Makes It Impossible, To Be A better Man… As many of you know, since starting this podcast some 232 episodes ago I have been very diligent about not getting political. I have not discussed politics or religion or anything else that tends to divide people. My reason for that is because I have always found it more beneficial to focus on things that make us similar to other people…rather than the things that make us different. I still believe that is true. For example, we are all men, regardless of what color we are or what political party we are aligned with or what Gods we pray to. At the end of the day, we are just human men, trying to be better than we were yesterday. Nothing positive has ever been gained from dividing people into groups based on these types of things. That is why I have steered away from this kind of thing and instead have been focused on manhood in such a way that it can apply to everyone. Well, today it may seem like I am veering from that course a bit. Today I will be making a very pointed observation about something going on right now. If it offends you, you are free to never listen to me again. If it offends you, then you are obviously not aligned with the message this podcast offers. I would add that if you are offended by today’s podcast to at least also give yourself the benefit of hearing me out. Before I get into all that I am going to take a minute to acknowledge the sponsor of today’s program, Stump Town Kilts. One thing I want you to know about these kilts is that they aren’t just clothes. They are not just another garment. In my personal experience these kilts are actually gear. What I mean is that they are built and designed to perform a job, and they do it very well. I have three of these kilts and I have beat them up. I live an active life and I tend to destroy things in record time, especially clothes…just ask my wife. I have put these three kilts through the stress test and still every time when I take them out of the washer they still look great. That’s what I mean by gear—they just keep on performing and looking great for everything I need them to do. It’s all because of the way they are crafted. Each kilt Stump Town makes is attended to by people who actually give a crap about what kind of product they are selling. Combine that with the innovative design and other features that are exclusive to Stump Town and you wind up with the best kilt available in my opinion. Right now you can get a substantial discount on your very own Stump Town Kilt simply by entering the code; betterman at checkout. All lower case, all one word. To get there, just type in stumptownkilts.com but whatever you do, remember to enter the code betterman at checkout. Ok, so now it’s time to talk about today’s topic. The reason I feel compelled to talk about it is because our country is in strife right now. For those of you listening from countries outside the US I’m sure you have heard of it as well. Our country is being divided—pulled apart. People are polarized to levels I have never seen in my lifetime. I am not going to talk about all the causes and all the various schools of thought though. Today I’m going to narrow it down to just one subject in particular because it deals directly with men. The character of men and the behavior of men. I just watched one of the many videos out there that show what was happening on the streets of Charlottesville VA. What I saw were grown men, cowardly men, striking a woman and knocking her down, spitting on her and screaming at her. I saw people being hit with objects and with fists and other acts of violence. All for no reason, other than the fact that the people they were hitting had a different opinion. Or they were a different color, or they were defending someone of a different color. The people responsible for the violence, to include the death of one woman who was ran over by a car, call themselves white nationalists. From what I understand that includes white supremacists of every stripe, Nazi’s, the ku klux klan, skin heads, and other such groups. From what I understand many of these groups were represented that day in Charlottesville. Many people in America are coming unhinged right now because after the tragic events that occurred the President gave a speech. In that speech he spoke out against hate in all of it’s forms, but he never directly denounced or condemned the actions of these violent demonstrators or called their groups out by name. When attacked for that he doubled down and defended his lack of condemnation. Then, two full days after the speech under huge political pressure—he finally called them by name. Some defenders of these violent hate groups are defending them by saying that are not Nazi’s, merely disaffected, frustrated white youth asserting themselves. That might wash it it were not for the Nazi slogans, rhetoric, and salutes. I’m not a news reporter. I’m not here to tell you what happened or what I think of it from a political perspective. I am just a guy who talks to men about trying to be better men. So I’m here to go on the record with my official statement about these hate groups. I condemn these groups, their agenda, and the actual people within these groups that use this agenda to cause harm to other humans. Furthermore, I believe these men are not actually men at all, not even the old ones. Rather I believe them to be ignorant, frustrated boys who for the first time in their pathetic life found a way to feel powerful by diminishing others. They are cowards. I’ll go on to say that if you are a white supremacist of any kind that it is impossible for you to be a better man. If you are any kind of supremacist at all, if your life is fueled by hate of any kind, it is impossible to be a better man until you change the way you think. The really sad part to me is that a lot of these guys are literally boys. Very young men without the experience or wisdom to realize they were getting swept up into something that was bad…and stupid. That is a sad thing because it means the other men in their lives prior to that if there were any, were not doing their job. they weren’t being the example they needed to be. It’s no excuse of course, they are all responsible for the path they have chosen. However, there may be guys out there on the verge. Guys frustrated with the hand life has dealt them. They may be drawn to the rhetoric and promises of power, unity, and freedom that these groups offer. These guys are on the edge, they have not pulled the trigger yet. There is still hope for these guys. That hope comes in the form of everyone else around them taking the time to inform and educate them about their decision and opinions. If any guys in that boat are listening I invite you to write to me. I also urge you to be responsible for your own mind. Do some research, look at history. Do not blindly follow anyone, do not be a sheep. Don’t even follow me, instead be your own man with your own mind who makes your own decisions about what is right. You know as I was watching this video I put myself in the place of a Jewish man, as a group with torches was chanting anti-semitic slogans. I became angry. I could almost imagine for a moment what that must feel like. To be a Jewish person and hearing these chants. I could almost imagine it, but not quite, because I am not a Jewish man. I still became very angry though. Do not confuse what I’m saying. I have zero problem with people being proud of their ethnicity, I am very proud and happy that I am Norwegian for example. I am proud of my ancestors and the trials they prevailed through. It’s good to know where my family came from. I’m not better than anyone else because I’m Norwegian though. If I’m going to be better than anyone, it has to be the man I was yesterday. It has to be by my own efforts and not because I happened to be born a certain shade. I think every person should be proud of their ethnicity, or have the freedom to be if they want to. That does not include putting people of other ethnicities down though…that’s just stupid. I am an American of Norwegian descent, but that is not the first thing I am. The first thing I am is a human being. The second thing I am is a man, followed by a husband and son and father. Being Norwegian comes after all this other stuff. We are all just human beings. We are part of the same race, the human race. My advice to all the decent people out there who are listening is this; 1.) Speak out intelligently about these matters when you see them raised. If you need to educate yourself first in order to speak intelligently about it, do that. 2.) It may be difficult, but try not to hate the hate groups. Hate of any kind is unhealthy and unproductive. Hatred is a disease and it is not an effective weapon. A much more effective weapon is reason and logic. You might pity them for their ignorance. You might dislike them intensely as I do, but try not to hate them. If you hate them then you aren’t so different from them. 3.) Always, every day, stay committed to the mission of being a better man than you were yesterday. Every man who does this is making a difference in the world. That’s all I’m going to say about that for today. I welcome your letters on this topic. Just email me at: alf@beingbetter.men and tell me whats on your mind. Remember though, I’m leaving for an adventure in the Nevada desert on August 23rd and I won’t get back until September 3rd. So there may be a delay on my response, but I will respond. Also, because I will be out of town and away from technology there won’t be any podcast for the next couple of weeks. The next time you here me will be during the week of September 4th. If you want to be sure and catch me when I come back just subscribe to this podcast on iTunes and you should be notified when I return. Or, follow me on Facebook, you’ll be sure to see me there as well. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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231 – Plan Your Next Adventure! 10:47

8 years ago10:47

10:47

Plan Your Next Adventure! I don’t know about all of you out there, but I am in full blown summer schedule with everything now. You may have noticed that I have only been releasing episodes on Friday lately, that is evidence that I am super, super busy with the things that summer is demanding of me. Besides the farm, and our property, and relatives visiting and events of all kinds to attend one thing that has had me incredibly busy lately is that I am preparing to go on an adventure. That’s right—an adventure. The adventure I’m going on is my wife and I are bringing my 81 year old father and his 83 year old brother to the Burning Man festival in Nevada. I’m calling it the generational legacy tour of 2017. There are lots of different opinions out there about burning man, and there are still some people that don’t even know what it is. Some people think it’s a den of iniquity where the devil’s minions gather. Other people think it’s just a bunch of dirty hippies running around naked and doing drugs. Other folks think it’s awesome and some people actually go to appreciate the colossal art built in the middle of the desert. Some people go to hear the lectures about all kinds of amazing things. Well, I have been to burning man once in 2015. From my experience burning man can be all of these things, or none of these things. I found that it’s really up to the person going—you get exactly the kind of experience at burning man that you design for yourself. Just like in life. There are around 80,000 people at this festival. They build an actual city in the middle of a dry lakebed called Black Rock City, and then they tear it down. Burning man has a “leave no trace” ethos. After it’s over no trace is left, no garbage, no cigarette butts, nothing. That in itself is really quite remarkable. Like any city there are parts of it that I have no interest in, parts that I will avoid. There are other parts that are amazing though. There are several reasons I like going to burning man. One is simply the challenge of it. You can’t buy any food there. All of your sustenance must be brought with you for the entire week. You are in an extreme environment with blistering heat and cool nights, I’ve seen 70 mile per hour winds there, and dust storms. It’s very much like camping on the moon if it had oxygen. The dirt is fine as talcum powder, nothing grows there and there aren’t even any insects. I love seeing what that extreme environment does to peoples imagination and ingenuity. People come up with truly amazing ways to not only survive, but to thrive out there. The other reason I like going is to witness the raw humanity. There is every kind of human you could imagine in this place, from all over the world. The labels we are so used to in everyday life seem to fall away. There are rich people and poor people, people of every diverse lifestyle and every socio-economic strata—but they all get along. They all bring something unique, and special to this common, extreme environment. I also enjoy marveling at the things people have built. Not just the art, but the structures as well, and the amazing vehicles driving around in the desert. As a life long student of humanity, there isn’t a better place I know of to go and just witness humans, being humans. I wanted to take my dad and uncle to this event because it’s a way for me to provide them with an experience unlike any they have ever had in their 8 plus decades of life on this planet. Isn’t that what life is kind of about? Gathering experiences and doing things you have never done before. These guys are in their 80’s and they have done so many things and been so many places in all that time. I know they have never done anything like this before though, and that’s why I felt it was important. That’s why I’m talking about this today, because I believe that a key component of being a man is to embrace new experiences whenever you have the chance. It doesn’t have to be burning man, it can be anything you have never done before. That’s what adventures are made of; discovery and exploration of the world around us. Adventure quickens your spirit and your mind. It causes you to think and wonder. Adventure forces you to know yourself better than you would have otherwise and the better you know yourself, the better man you are capable of being. This year, part of my adventure will be sharing the experience with the best man I know, my father. It will be a memory and experience we will share for the rest of his days. So that’s what I’ve been up to, just getting ready for this is a monumental feat. Taking four people to this thing requires a great deal of planning and a lot of work. It’s kind of a big responsibility because how well I prepare will have a huge impact on the quality of experience for the people with me. What I’ll be wearing at Burning Man besides goggles and a dust mask, is a Stump Town Kilt. I wouldn’t think of going to this festival without it. There will be a lot of kilts there, and many of them will be made by Stump town. For several years my wife has volunteered as a Ranger out there. The Rangers are the interface between the participants and law enforcement. They are there to help people and provide assistance when needed and Stump Town might be official kilt of the Black Rock Rangers. If they aren’t, they should be. I don’t know of any other brand of kilt that would stand up better to the beating it will take at burning man. Not to mention how useful the huge hidden pocket will be out there. I’m taking all three of mine. Stump Town Kilts is the official sponsor of this program however, and one way you can support this show is by going to stumptownkilts.com and checking them out. When you get done shopping just enter the code: betterman at checkout. All lower case, all one word. When you do that you will receive 10% off your entire purchase. If you are going to Burning Man do it now so you get it before August 27th. If you aren’t going, do it anyway so you can have the best kilt available. Remember though, enter the code betterman to get your discount. In wrapping this up today I really want to stress that one way to be a better man is to plan an adventure with someone you love. Whoever it is in your world. Could be your dad or uncle. Could be your brother or your best friend. It could be anyone that has given something of themselves for you over the years. Think of something neither of you have ever done and plan an adventure. Spend that time and energy on creating an experience that will be with you both forever. In the process you will learn things about your self and each other that are extremely valuable. It doesn’t have to be grand and expensive, it only needs to be a new experience. It could be as simple as a road trip to a city you’ve never been to. Or climbing a local mountain just to see whats on top of it. I spent several years of my life with no adventures. I was too involved in the rat race. I was too busy working to take the time to explore and discover. Looking back I think that was a mistake. For the rest of my life I’m going to try and have at least one adventure every year…maybe even more. Well that’s it for today guys. Now head out into the big world and start thinking about your next adventure, and who you will experience it with. Adventure can enhance your life, and help you be a better man than you were yesterday at the same time. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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230 – When It’s Hard Being A Father 18:11

8 years ago18:11

18:11

When It’s Hard Being A Father…Be A better Man! Hello Men! As I predicted a few weeks ago the summer schedule has been a little tough. I have not been doing three episodes a week like many of you are used to. There was no Monday or Wednesday episode this week. Summers are always busy up here in the Pacific Northwest but this summer has been particularly so. What I can guarantee is that you will be able to count on the Friday episodes every week. As the weather changes heading into September I suspect things will return to normal though. Because this is a Friday episode I am honor bound to tell you about the sponsor of this show, a company called Stump Town Kilts. When a lot of people think of kilts they imagine plaid garments worn by men toting bagpipes and marching in a funeral or something. While those are definitely traditional Tartan kilts…that is not what I’m talking about. Stump Town Kilts makes modern kilts for the contemporary man and woman. They are garments of comfort, designed with style and function in mind and suitable for everyday use. I own three of these kilts and I have done literally everything wearing them from the dirty jobs to the fancy events. They are durable and comfortable in the dirt, and they look fantastic when you are wanting to get noticed at a social event. These kilts have several innovative features that their competitors do not possess like the adjustable sizes and snap on accessories for example. They come in a variety of colors and even the rivets have options; you can get brass, gun metal, or chrome rivets. If you have ever thought of owning a kilt, or if you have an old dusty kilt you never wear because it doesn’t fit quite right anymore or it’s too much trouble making it hang right. Then a kilt from Stump Town is the only kilt you should consider. Listeners of this program can get a substantial discount simply by going to stumptownkilts.com and entering the code: betterman, at checkout. all lower case, all one word. Do that and you will receive your special discount. Do yourself a favor and check out stumptownkilts.com today. _________________________________________ Ok guys today I want to talk about an aspect of fatherhood. A lot of the things we talk about here can apply equally to anyone. Many of the topics we deal with have to do with human character and people who are not a man can get something out of it as well, that’s why we have so many non-man listeners and I welcome them. However, there are some things that are specific to being a man, and fatherhood is one of them. Within the realm of fatherhood there is an aspect of it, a phenomenon that is relatively new in human life and specific to the modern times we are living in. What I’m talking about is when men are involuntarily separated from their children, as a direct result of relationship failure with the mother. This can be a touchy, emotionally charged topic, but it’s also a fact of modern life and I feel like I need to talk about it a little bit. This is something I have dealt with personally in my life. Many, many men I know have also dealt with it. My own son is still dealing with it right now and I just got a letter from a long time listener named Tom where he told me about the struggles he is going through regarding access to his children. It’s a real thing, a heart wrenching thing, and as men we really need to think about from every angle. In my opinion, the highest calling any man has in life, the most profound, prestigious, important position he will ever hold is that of a father. Becoming a father is a mans best opportunity to influence the future, to leave a legacy, to alter humanity in some way by passing on what he has become and lessons he has learned to the next generation. Sadly, there are many men who do not give fatherhood the weight it deserves. There are men who create children and then spend the rest of their life avoiding their responsibilities. I’ll never understand that, it’s tragic. I can’t imagine why a man would give up the best part of what being a man is, when he chooses not to be a father to his children. I can only assume that it’s because many of those men did not have a benefit of a father in their own life. They were not raised with that example and therefore have no real idea of what they are missing out on. Whatever the case, this tragic fact makes it even more important that good men do their best when it comes to being a father. Like I said earlier, men being denied access to their children is a relatively new phenomenon in human life. Even a hundred years ago society was much different, men were largely in charge of everything. It was truly a mans world and if a man wanted his children with him then that is what would happen. Women did not have the support of the courts and in most cases they were financially dependent on men for their survival. To be clear—that was not a good thing either. Inequity is inequity no matter how it is apportioned, and motherhood is equally as important to a child’s life as fatherhood is. The inequity women have suffered at the hands of men goes back to the beginning of time. We men have only been experiencing this in recent history. The issue though, is not who has suffered the most or what gender has been treated unfairly. The issue is, and should always be, the welfare of the children. When a parent who loves and cares for their child is denied access to that child, it is the child who suffers most. So here we are now, in a world where both father’s and mother’s play spiteful, vindictive games of revenge and power struggles at the expense of our next generation. Children are treated like commodities or possessions rather than as human beings who crave and need a balanced life, and love from both of their parents. It is a sad state of affairs. It is gradually getting better in some places. The rights of fathers are being recognized on a larger scale than when I went through it 25 years ago, but we have a long way to go. In the meantime, there are men and children suffering the pain of forced separation. Some men who feel the weight and hopelessness of it just throw up their hands and quit trying. Others resort to violence born of frustration. Neither of these reactions helps the child. I don’t intend to paint women as the only offenders here. I know of women who are also experiencing this because the father is wielding financial superiority and denying access to the mother. It is equally unfortunate regardless of which parent the children are being denied. However, I believe that this happens with greater frequency to men these days. I have often seen children being used as pawns—tools to manipulate the behavior of their fathers. Or simply used to make their fathers suffer emotionally, as compensation for a perceived injustice the mother has suffered. It’s all bad. It’s all wrong, and the ones who suffer the most are always the children. Now I’m going to share some basic advice for men in this situation. This is not legal advice, it is my opinion. This is advice gained from my own experience, and also from the experience of other men I have witnessed go through it. First some common sense. Take care not to become a father in the first place if you are not ready. If you are not in love with a woman and can’t see yourself sharing your entire life with her—for crying out loud take some precautions to not create a child. It isn’t rocket science, be the master of your biology, not a victim of it. If you do happen to father a child with a woman you don’t love or can’t live with, what do you do? You be the best father you can, that’s what. The consequence of your lack of precaution is that you are no longer the most important thing in your life…your child is. Moving forward you must consider the welfare of this child first before you do anything—regardless of the mother’s actions. This is your obligation. Pay whatever child support is ordered that you pay without complaining. Even if you are denied access. You are not paying for access…you are paying for the upkeep of a life you helped create. I lived in a semi truck for three years because I couldn’t afford to live in a house, because of child support. It’s just what I had to do in order to provide for my children. When you become a father, you come second. Never quit attempting to gain access to your child. There are resources for fathers rights, seek them out and use them. Use whatever resources you can but never quit. This will pay off 18 years later when you get to know your child as an adult. They will know you never quit, and it will matter to them. If you honestly deem the mother of your child to be unfit, or lacking in some way. If you sincerely believe that you would be a better parent. Then it is your obligation to gain custody of your child. This is what I did. It required a long, bloody, tedious, expensive and miserable battle in the court system but I eventually won custody of my children and it was worth every effort I made. Some of you might be thinking “holy crap! I can’t raise kids alone, I don’t know how. What if I screw up? I don’t have any idea what I’m doing here.” Hey…welcome to being a parent. Just do the best you can every day and love your children and it will work out. People have been doing it for thousands of years, you’ll figure it out. This is an important one. Many dads only see their children 4 days a month; every other weekend and some holidays. Other dads are blessed with joint custody. Others may only get to talk on the phone with their children. Regardless of how much contact you have, perhaps the most important thing you can do for your children is never under any circumstance speak badly about their mother. Even if she is telling them horrible stories about you and trying to make them hate you as my children’s mother did, do not drop to that level. Children know they came from their parents. To hear that a parent they came from is bad in some way severely affects that child’s self esteem and self image. Remember, the most important thing here is the child. Not you and your feelings, and not their mother. If you get access to your children, make it count. Don’t spoil them and buy them things out of guilt. Try hard to be the same dad you would if you were with them every day. It’s really hard, I struggled with this one myself. I wanted every precious moment to be wonderful and perfect, without any conflict. I overlooked bad behavior and spoiled them needlessly until I realized I was doing them a disservice. What they needed was a good, consistent, reliable dad—not a pal or best buddy. They needed my best example. They won’t always like you, and that’s ok—but they should always respect you. It’s not always possible, in my case it was not. When possible though, do your utmost to co-parent with your children’s mother regardless of who has custody, who she is married to now, or who you are married to. Your child deserves the influence of both of you, and you cannot put your own petty emotions above that. One of the most important things to remember is this. Your child will become an adult. They will be an adult for much, much longer than they are a child. Your basic objective as a parent is to raise them to be good, self sufficient, contributing members of society. Your secondary objective is to have a mutually rewarding relationship with them as an adult, to continue mentoring them and to ultimately know and extend influence to your grandchildren. When they become an adult the court no longer has jurisdiction. So you will have access to your child eventually. Everything you do when they are young, how you conduct yourself, the things you say and the example you are will come into play here. The quality of your relationship with your adult children relies entirely on the way you behave when they are children. They will come to know everything, it will all be revealed to them eventually. They will see both of their parents for the people and the parents they are—so, be the best one you can be. Even when it’s really, really hard. Being a dad is a grueling marathon, not a sprint. My last bit of advice to anyone who has children is this. From the moment that little person was born you are no longer Bob or Joe or David…your name is dad now. It’s not just a name though, it’s a title, and a position. It is a privilege and a profound responsibility. It is your foremost identity and you must treat it as such. You owe something to this human you created, and that is to be a better man today than you were yesterday, and then keep doing that every day. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon.…

Being A Better Man

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229 – Living A Half-Assed Life 10:08

8 years ago10:08

10:08

Living A Half-Assed Life… You have arrived at the podcast devoted exclusively to the topic of the character of men. We don’t talk about sports, or politics, or dating or fashion. Here w e talk about the nuts and bolts of what it means to be a man in today’s world, we talk about living with character and purpose. We do this, so that you can apply it to your own life and become a better man today than you were yesterday. I am the host and creator of this show, my name is Alf Herigstad. We are very fortunate to have a sponsor of these Friday episodes. A company I have partnered up with that helps me keep this show in production. That sponsor is Stump Town kilts. They are an American company located in Portland Oregon and they have the distinction of making the finest, most versatile, durable and attractive kilts on the market. I know—because I own three of them and have been a customer of theirs long before I even had a podcast. I approached them to become a sponsor for that reason, because I wanted to represent a company and a product that I believe in 100%. Stump Town kilts have several features that other kilts just don’t have. Like the huge hidden pocket, the adjustable sizes, the snap on accessories, and because of the way they are made you don’t have to iron them. They also come in a variety of colors. I have a black, gray, and a green one, the next one I get will be brown but they also have a camouflage one. I wear mine for every occasion from shearing sheep and chopping wood to fancy diners and officiating weddings. They are the perfect garment for any occasion. Right now, as a listener of this show you can get your very own Stump Town Kilt for a substantial discount. Go to stumptownkilts.com and do all your shopping. When you are checking out remember to enter the special code to get your discount, that code is: betterman. All lower case, all one word. Do that and you will receive your discount and also let them know you heard about it right here. Today I’m going to talk a minute about someone I actually know. I won’t use his name and I’m sure he doesn’t listen to this show but I want to talk about him because he is a perfect example of something I call; living a half-assed life. So this guy is in his mid thirties and I have know him for a few years, several in fact. We met by way of an organization we were both involved with that dealt with a shared interest. Pretty quickly I noticed that he only did things half way. He did just enough to survive and would do no more. Through the years I have witnessed this guy go through his life and the more I got to know him, the more I realized how deeply his culture of being half-assed went. I watched him lose many jobs because most employers frown on people being half-assed at work. I watched him go through several relationships and then finally get married. Problem with that was, his marriage was even done half-assed. Not the ceremony itself, I wasn’t there…but how the relationship was structured, the level of commitment, everything was done half-assed so it was no surprise to me when it quickly fell apart. I came to ultimately realize that literally everything in his life, his relationships, work, physical fitness, domestic situation, even his hobbies were all done with the same half-assed approach. This all fascinated me. I spent a few years trying to figure it out, I even talked with him about it on a couple occasions. It fascinated me because he is not a stupid guy. In fact I liked him, he has a decent sense of humor and can carry on a good conversation. I kept waiting for him to wake up. I kept waiting for him to realize the consequences of living like that and have some sort of revelation, but he never did, even to this day. There has not been any contact between he and I for several months but today I was talking with someone who has and I was sad to learn that nothing has changed. In fact, it has gotten worse. Now on top of everything else he is having horrible financial difficulties, no doubt a result from only being employed sporadically. So it seems the result of living a half-assed life, is that you wind up with a half-ass life. A Life that is only half as good as it could be. The next logical question in my mind is why would an otherwise intelligent person choose that for themselves? I was venting about all this to my wife earlier because it boggles my mind. Almost every bad thing that has happened in his life was totally preventable. As my wife and I were talking I mentioned that I have known other people similar to this guy who eventually had a revelation, and turned their life around. My wife said she had never known anyone who did that. She was of the belief that there are some people who are just born a certain way, and that is the same way they will die. She said they might be doing their very best, but to other people their best appears like a half-assed effort. I thought about this for a minute. I rolled it around in my head. After some deliberation I decided that I just don’t agree. I can’t buy it because I have witnessed change in people. I have seen people do a complete 180 and through effort and focus turn their life into something good. Granted, there are many people who suffer the consequences of their own actions for years and never pull out of it. They numb their pain with drugs or alcohol as their life slowly circles the drain and they feel like a victim the entire time. However, at the same time, there are other people who realize that every bad thing that ever happened to them is their fault. They decide they want to live and live well, they start making choices that will effect that outcome. They surround themselves with people that will be good examples, they abandon people and behavior that have been pulling them down. Look I do not have all the answers. I’m on the same journey you are, trying to be a better man every day. Maybe my wife and I are both right? Maybe both kinds of people exist; those who can change and those who are incapable of it, I don’t know. What I do know is that there wouldn’t be any reason for me to do this show if I believed that everyone was destined to any particular lot in life. I believe that when a man becomes fed up with the consequences of his actions or lack of actions, that he can make a decision to improve his life. Maybe there are some people listening like this guy I know, maybe you do everything half-assed and then wonder why your life sucks. There are probably a lot of guys listening that just do some things half-assed, and some guys that don’t do anything half-assed at all. What you should all do is determine where you are on that spectrum. If your life sucks right now maybe there is something you could do about that. What if you approached everything in life with your full abilities, expecting to succeed and not ever settling for less than your best effort? I bet if you did that, no matter who you are, your life would improve. In fact if you did that, you would become a better man than you were yesterday. Now head out into the world and realize that it’s all up to you. It’s your choice. You can choose to live a half-assed life, or you can choose to be a better man. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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228 – What Is Required To Be A Leader? 10:08

8 years ago10:08

10:08

What Is Required To Be A Leader? Welcome to the beginning of another glorious week in your life as a man. I think every man should be having a glorious life. If you are not currently having a glorious life, the bad news is that it’s probably your fault. The good news, is that every day is a brand new day, and you can be the creator of your own destiny. As men we have the power to create, imagine, dream and innovate. We can sculpt the world around us into what we desire through the strength of our own will. That’s the kind of stuff we talk about here. I am your host, and my name is Alf Herigstad. I have a friend that I met through the medium of podcasting named Wally Carmichael. He lives in Hawaii and he is the host of his own podcast called “Men Of Abundance” . Wally and I are very aligned on issues that pertain to men, and I encourage you all to check out his show, there will be a link to it in the show notes as well. The reason I’m bringing Wally and his show up is because I read something on his Facebook wall and I knew instantly that I was going to steal it and talk about it. I let him know, but I want to be sure and give credit where credit is due. In this post Wally was talking about the essence of leadership. It was beautifully and accurately worded and I’m going to share it with you then talk about it for a little bit. Wally wrote: “Men, if you have to tell someone you’re a leader, chances are, you’re not. Those who chose to follow you make you a leader. You’re position does not determine if you’re a leader. Your age or seniority does not determine if you’re a leader. Your skills determine if you’re a leader. Not even being a dad and a husband make you a leader. When others choose to follow you, then you’re leader. That is not a free ticket to start managing other people’s life. You must remain humble in your position as a leader and continue being the man others have chosen to follow and or walk along side you.” So that’s what he wrote. I love this. To me this is like poetry that doesn’t rhyme. I think one reason this speaks so loudly to me is because during my life I have known so many men who got this completely wrong. so called “leaders” who abused their title because they didn’t understand it. I think some leaders are born, it just comes naturally to them and it isn’t something they asked for or even necessarily want. I believe there are others who learn how to become leaders throughout the course of their life. Since it can be learned and improved upon, I classify leadership as a skill. Wally said: “ Those who choose to follow you, are who makes you a leader .” No truer words have ever been spoken. The very important word in this sentence is “choose”. People choose to follow a true leader, they aren’t made or coerced to follow. Lets think a minute about why any man or person would choose to follow another man. I know what it takes for me to follow someone. First I would have to trust that person, he would have proven to me that he only says things he means. His words have weight, and they would be backed up by his deeds. Secondly, if I were to think of a man as my leader then he would have to have a great deal of confidence. Not bravado or arrogance, but real natural confidence that was earned through his own experience. Confidence earned through living and navigating his own mistakes. The kind of confidence a man only displays when they truly know themselves. Thirdly, If I were to follow this man and call him my leader then I would have seen evidence that he had genuine care for the people that followed him. He would not wield his authority as a club, but rather as a staff that others could hang onto and be pulled forward with. It would be obvious that he viewed his position of leadership as a position of service—as a responsibility. The fourth thing I would expect from my leader would be competence, which is kind of a result of having the before mentioned things. Evidence of a competent man is someone who is decisive, he takes action when he needs to. His solutions often prove fruitful. The implementation of his ideas benefit not only himself, but the people who chose to follow him as well. The last thing I would require from a leader is humility. As Wally put it; “You must remain humble in your position as a leader and continue being the man others have chosen to follow, or walk along side of.” How many times have you seen leadership or authority go to someones head? Once that happens, it’s over. They are no longer leading at that point. They have became entitled by the very trust and faith people have put in them. Betrayed by their own ego, and usually at the ultimate expense of those who followed them. A true leader reminds himself every day of his own personal challenges and faults, and continues to make improvements in his own humanity. In other words, a true leader is a better man today than he was yesterday, and he does that every day. So, that’s what it would take for me to follow a man. It might seem like a strict list, and it should be. There are not many men who fill all of these requirements, but there have been a few. My dad is at the top of the list. He is a fantastic leader of mine and he’s so humble he doesn’t even realize it. He leads almost exclusively with his own example. I suppose when I was younger I was more lenient when it came to what kind of man I would follow. The bar was a bit lower because I was at an earlier stage in my own development and there was much to learn from many people. The older I get, the more I require. The more I expect out of anyone who would presume to be my leader. You should ask yourself what kind of man you would follow. Right down a list of things you would require from a leader. When you get all done take a look at that list and then ask yourself how many of those qualities you possess. Seriously—if you require certain traits from a leader then should’t you also possess them, so that you can be qualified to lead yourself? A man doesn’t always have a leader to turn to, and in those times we have only ourselves. When you think about it, before a man can lead others he should first become an effective leader for himself, shouldn’t he? That’s all I have on this for today guys, I want you to chew on that for a couple days and I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. You can always email me at: alf@beingbetter.men . Thanks to Wally Carmichael and his podcast; Men Of Abundance for the inspiration. You should all go check him out. Now head out into the world and wether or not you ever find yourself in a leadership position of other people, strive every day to be a good leader for yourself, that’s where it begins. Strive to be a better man today than you were yesterday. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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227 – One Of The Worst Things You Can Do 8:28

8 years ago8:28

8:28

One Of The Worst Things You Can Do… It is time once again for Being A better Man, the podcast focused exclusively on the character of men in all of its various forms. I am your humble sherpa on this journey, my name is Alf Herigstad, I’m the creator and host of this show. Before I delve into today’s content I’m going to take a moment to acknowledge the sponsor of our Friday episodes: StumpTown Kilts. Stump town Kilts is a company located in Portland Oregon, also known as “Stump Town”. It is there that a few brave, industrious souls dedicate their life to the creation of what I believe to be the best kilts money can buy. Each kilt is expertly crafted with the finest most durable material. The designs are both functional and innovative, which means they have features other kilts do not. Such as the huge hidden pocket, adjustable sizes and snap on accessories. One of my favorite features is that I don’t have to iron them. In addition to having an amazing kilt that will be the envy of everyone who see’s you, you will also have the privilege of dealing with the people who work there. They are all great people who really care about your comfort and appearance when you are wearing their product. Right now you can receive a substantial discount as a listener of this show. Just go to stumptownkilts.com . It’s an easy website to navigate. Pick out your color, size and accessories and then when you check out enter the code: betterman, all one word all lower case. When you do that you will receive your discount and you will also let them know you are a listener of Being A better Man. Go to stumptownkilts.com and enter the code: betterman today. _______________________________ We all have certain things that disgust us right? One of the things that disgusts me is when I hear a grown man complaining about his wife or girlfriend, running her down to other people, demeaning and disrespecting her. I really don’t enjoy hearing men complain about anything at all, I think it’s pathetic…but it is particularly nauseating to me when a man will complain about his significant other. Don’t get me wrong. It’s one thing to confide some legitimate problem you are having to a friend, seeking advice and counsel. I don’t consider that complaining. Sometimes we have to do that to work things out. What I’m talking about is when guys will complain about someone just for the sake of complaining. Or when they will try to be funny by saying derogatory things, at the expense of someone who isn’t there to defend themselves. Also, when a guy will call his significant other vulgar names and speak about her in disrespectful, unflattering terms. It happens all the time and I’m sure you have heard someone do this. Perhaps, you have been guilty of this yourself on occasion. There are several reasons I have a problem with this. For one thing, when a man is in a relationship he has a basic function, a duty to perform. That duty is to provide a high level of care to the other person. To look out for them, protect them, defend them and be a good man to them. So it blows my mind when a guy feels like it’s ok to throw all that out the window by doing the exact opposite of that. When a man is complaining about and berating his significant other not only is he belittling her, but he is making himself smaller at the same time. If a man is behaving exactly opposite to what his duty as a man would dictate—then, is he even a man at all? The other part that gets me about this is that I don’t understand why it happens. Why, if a guy is that miserable. If a guy is so dissatisfied with his relationship that he has to complain to other people. Why doesn’t he either; a.) get counseling or help to fix the problem. Or b.) Just get out of the relationship? If you are that miserable to the point that you abandon your manly duties why don’t you just end it and move on with your life. Stop wasting your time and your partners time by perpetuating the misery. Just get out, get out or fix it. I feel about complaining like I feel about excuses; there is not any valid reason for doing it. It’s even worse if there are children in the relationship. Now, on top of being less than a man. On top of being a whiney sniveling douchebag, and in addition to totally disrespecting a person you have pledged allegiance and fidelity to. Now you are also disrespecting your own children by demeaning their mother. I like to imagine that the vast majority of my listeners do not do this. There may be a few of you who do though, maybe that’s the example you got when you were growing up? Maybe that is just the culture you live in and no one ever really told you it was wrong. That is not a valid excuse, but either way I’m telling you right now that there is another, better way to be. Hopefully you guys listening are not the type of guys that do this, but perhaps you know some people that do. If that’s the case then I invite you to share this episode with them. It’s the kind of thing that is difficult to hear from someone you know. So let me tell them, just send them a link to this episode or sit down and listen to it with them. Somehow in the evolution of our society this behavior of complaining about women to your guy friends became tolerated in some circles, even accepted. I think it’s time that we as a group start reversing that by speaking out against it and explaining to people why it’s wrong, and what the ultimate consequences are. Now head out into your weekend and be on the lookout for opportunities to make a difference, no matter how small. Stay true to your commitment to be a better man today than you were yesterday. Hey remember to get a copy of my book Forging A Man if you have not gotten yours yet. Heck, why not get two and give one as a gift? Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

1
226 – Choosing Your Friends Wisely 8:52

8 years ago8:52

8:52

226 – Choosing Your Friends Wisely… Today I’m talking about the skill of choosing who your friends are. You may have never though of it as a skill before, but I think it is. I think it’s a skill that can be learned because it isn’t something we are born knowing how to do, and also because it’s something we can get better at. I classify anything that can be improved upon with practice and effort, as a skill. As human beings we are pack animals. Our existence is made up entirely of the relationships we have with other humans. Our families, friends and acquaintances comprise the whole of our interactions and it is these relationships that become the fabric of our life. That’s one reason I always express the importance and value of relationships. As such, the other humans we choose to spend the most time with is critical. Lets face it; there are good people and bad people and everything in between. Our lives are heavily influenced by the other humans we choose to spend the most time with. So doesn’t it make sense to choose to spend time with people that will make our life better? I think it does. Nowadays people tend to be hyper sensitive about not being judgmental. As though there is something wrong about making a judgement about someone else’s character or value. I don’t get that at all. I think not only is it ok to make judgements about people, I think it is our obligation. We owe it to ourselves to do so. If I know that I am the sum total of the five people I spend the most time with, then I am going to be very discriminating about who those five people are. I will judge the people who come into my life to determine if they are aligned with my world view. Is there anything I can learn from them? Do they have experience or knowledge that I seek? I will judge wether or not they will be a liability to my objectives, or if they will be an asset. At the same time I expect those people are judging me by the same criteria. If there is a group of people I want to be a part of then I need to bring some sort of value to that group. If my presence doesn’t elevate the sum total of that group in some way—then why would I expect they would want me around? At the same time I need to genuinely like the people I spend time with. I need to enjoy their company. Some people may be aligned with me in every conceivable way and yet—our personalities are simply not compatible. Maybe their sense of humor is off, or maybe I have some habit or mannerism that drives them crazy. It’s really difficult to form meaningful relationships with people you don’t like being around. There are many, many components to consider when choosing who your friends are. There are lots of moving parts, many filters to pass through. The skill part I spoke of earlier is in being able to discern between all these elements, and having the willingness to act on them. That’s where most people drop the ball. We have all known someone that we knew was not a good fit. Maybe we knew we couldn’t completely trust them. Or maybe there was something about them we just didn’t agree with, or whatever. Even though we knew this intellectually, we just kept them around anyway. We did not have the willingness or ability to act on what we knew was not in our best interest. Maybe they were also friends with someone else you really like and you didn’t know how to eliminate the one without also losing the other? There are a million reasons why we allow people to linger in our lives when we know they don’t belong there. I used to be horrible at choosing who my friends were. I was young and idealistic. Having friends was like currency, and felt like everyone deserved a chance. I wound up getting burnt often, and taken advantage of. My sum total was diminished by some of the people I allowed to spend time with me. I learned the hard way over time that it was possible to be friendly, and kind to people, without them actually being my friend. I learned that when it came to me and my life, that everyone did not actually deserve a chance. It became my obligation to make smart choices. Even right now there are many people who consider me their friend. But the people I count as friends is a very small number in comparison. The skill of choosing your friends is in the early detection, and quick decisive action of making the actual choice. Think about all the people you know right now. Think about what value you provide them and also what they do for you. Is there anyone who is an actual liability to your goals? You may want to consider eliminating those people from your sphere of influence. It can all sound kind of cold and calculating, even superficial and impersonal. It really isn’t though, because the bottom line is that when it comes to friends; quality trumps quantity every time. If someone passes through all your filters, and you have passed through theirs. If you have judged, measured and weighed one another and been found not lacking. After all that you wind up with a true friend of value that you will likely have until you die. You will have each others back and trust each other implicitly. One friend like that is worth 50 or even 100 mediocre friends. When our children are minors we need to help them choose their friends because they haven’t learned how yet. We all know how the wrong friends can influence children right? Well it isn’t any different for adults. Before we can really teach that skill to our children, we need to learn it and practice it for ourselves. Now head out into the world and when it comes to choosing your friends don’t be afraid to judge the fitness and worth of others. Do yourself the great kindness of choosing well. At the same time be mindful of the value you bring to others. Above all, when you wind up with a good friend treat them like gold and never, ever take them for granted. Always be a better man, and a better friend today than you were yesterday. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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225 – Being A realistic Man 10:22

8 years ago10:22

10:22

I appreciate you taking a little time out of your manly day to listen in. My intention is that you will receive something from this podcast that will cause you to think. That you will be inspired to consider your own personal manhood as you go through your day. It’s important, because staying aware and purposeful and mindful of your role in the world will result in you being a better man today than you were yesterday. I am your host, my name is Alf Herigstad. Right off the bat though, I’m going to give a huge shout out to our sponsor; Stump Town Kilts. I realize that it might be easy for you guys to hear me talk about Stump Town kilts every Friday and you get used to it—immune to it even. You may not realize how important it is to have a sponsor that helps me be able to produce this show, so that you can listen to it. It really is a vital component to what we do here because believe it or not, this takes time and resources to create. Time and resources cost money. There are three things that keep us going; Stump Town kilts, our Patreon page, and my book. These are the three main revenue streams that keep this podcast afloat. I know there are a bunch of you out there that hear me talk about these kilts and you intend to get one, you have every intention of it. The same is true of the Patreon Page and the book. You intend to, but then life happens and you start doing something else and you forget. I get it—I do the same thing all the time, but that’s why I keep bringing it up. To help remind you. So look, if you are one of those guys that has been intending to get your very own Stump Town Kilt, you can decide to wait no longer! Go to stumptownkilts.com and start shopping for your new kilt right now. When you are checking out enter the purchase code: betterman, all lower case, all one word, and you will receive 10% off your entire purchase. Then come back and listen to the rest of this episode. I would not ask you to do this if I didn’t believe in this product 100%. In my opinion these are the finest, most well made, versatile, innovative kilts on the market. That’s why I own three of them. Do this, and you will be thrilled with your new kilt and, all the compliments you get when you wear it. What I want to talk about today is being realistic. To be realistic about everything but mainly to be realistic about yourself. I’m talking about being real and honest about who you are, what your capabilities are, what you’re good at and what you’re not good at. Most of us are either pessimists or optimists. Most of us see the same glass of water half full or half empty. Meanwhile, a realists sees that same glass exactly for what it is…a glass with water in it, and room for more water. I personally am an optimist. I think it’s a pretty good way to be because it provides me with the attitude I need to overcome most adversity. I’m always looking on the bright side and finding the silver lining and I always see the glass as half full. It’s just how I am and I think it’s good for the most part, but there are times when I am better served by simply being realistic. I had to learn how to suppress my optimism at times and instead adopt a realistic view. Now, I would call myself an optimistic realist. Recently I heard about something that is happening in the world that is a good example of this. There are a lot of young men entering the work force every year. Many of them are having a hard time find a job even though lots of places are hiring. Some of these guys were interviewed to see what was happening and it was revealed that they are applying for management jobs, because that pays more. The problem is that these guys have no management experience whatsoever. In fact many of them have zero experience, doing anything. They are not being realistic about their own skill set. Maybe they have a view of themselves that makes them feel they would be great at telling other people what to do. The reality though, is that they have not earned that credential. It takes time and experience to acquire that. Another area guys are often not realistic in is dating. This is causing a ton of frustration and confusion for all parties involved. Imagine being a woman and some guy assumes you should want to date him yet, he doesn’t bring anything to the table. Maybe he has no job, or poor hygiene, or no sense of humor. No car, no address of his own, and no prospects or plans for the future. He may have some or all of these problems. Amazingly, through some mysterious form of irrational entitlement, he can’t imagine why a woman would not be interested in him. I have also seen pessimistic guys who can’t believe anyone would want them, even though women are practically throwing themselves at him. It’s a weird deal, but in both cases these guys are not in touch with their reality. They are not looking in the mirror. They are not being objective and honest with themselves, and it causes problems. Not being realistic can cause problems in every area of life if you aren’t careful. Personally, I tend to think that this type of separation from reality is a form of laziness, I’ll explain why. Some guys may see something about themselves that isn’t quite right, something that could use improvement or something they lack. Right then they could decide to focus on that thing whatever it is. They could focus on it with the intention of improving it so it is no longer a liability. They could master that new skill, or lose that 20 pounds, or whatever. Unfortunately that would require two things they are not willing to give though; time and effort. They want what they want right NOW. So instead they just gloss it over and convince themselves that they are OK just the way they are. The problem becomes invisible to them and they go through the world acting as though it doesn’t exists. The reality is, that they may not actually be ok just the way they are. I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad. Almost everyone has done this to some degree including myself, it’s a human way of coping with things. That does not make it right though, or optimal. Glossing over things that need your time and attention will not make you a better man. So that’s why I’m talking about this today. If you are committed to being a better man then you will have to pause occasionally to evaluate your level of reality. Check in and see where you are at. Put in the time and effort that you need to actually improve things, because once you do, that’s one less thing you have to worry about. Each day you are alive put a little focus on being realistic about who and what you are. Improve the things that need improvement and celebrate the things you are awesome at. If you make it a habit to check in with reality every day you will find it’s a lot easier to be a better man today than you were yesterday. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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224 – A Better Man Knows How To LISTEN 10:21

8 years ago10:21

10:21

A Better Man Knows How To Listen… This is the podcast that focuses on the character of men. Part of our core philosophy here is that if we become concerned with and focused on, our character as men. Then everything else in our life will start falling in place as a result. Think about it—if you are really trying to be a better man today than you were yesterday, and you are doing that every day, there will be some predictable results. Your relationships with other people will be improved. That means all your relationships; your love life, your work relationships, social and family relationships will all be enhanced because you will be operating at a higher level in each of those areas as you strive to be a better man. You will have care for others and a clear idea of what your role is in the world, your function as a man. People will naturally like, trust, and appreciate you more and that translates to improved relationships across the board. Your relationship with yourself will even be improved because you will know and like yourself better. You will be proud of the things you do right. Your confidence will be increased as you come to know yourself better. You come to see your shortcomings as opportunities to improve, rather than feeling bad about them. So that is what we are all about here at Being A better Man. Improving your life, and the lives of people around you. People often ask me how I keep coming up with shows. This is episode 224, that is a lot of episodes and it boggles some peoples mind that there is that much to say about being a better man. The truth is, and what I tell people, is that it isn’t really that hard. There is so much material out there in the world every day. All I have to do is spend 10 minutes on social media or take a trip into town and everywhere I look there is something to talk about. Now–people that know me also send me articles or share posts with me that they think may be relevant to the podcast and that’s fantastic. Recently my wife shared a story with me, a post written by someone she knows personally. In this post her friend was lamenting the fact that she is completely fed up with men. Specifically, her issue is that when men approach her romantically and she is not interested—a large majority of men in her experience then become abusive. They attack her, call her names, stalk and harass her. Basically, they act very much like a spoiled, entitled three year old that is denied the cookie they asked for. My wife went on to tell me that she has heard many women having this experience. To the point that she believes it is becoming a real problem out there. She thought maybe I could make an episode about this phenomenon. Here’s the deal though. This is the problem I have with topics like this. In my world, I never—or very seldom see things like this happening. Why? The primary reason is because I’m not a woman. It’s kind of like when my kids were little and one of them tattled on the other for doing something. If I didn’t see it happen then it was kind of hard to punish the other child with any degree of gusto unless there was physical evidence. Don’t get me wrong, I totally believe my wife on this because she is very tuned in to these kinds of issues. She has her finger on the pulse. I totally believe her but, the other problem is that it’s so hard for me to imagine what would make a guy react this way. When I hear about male behavior like this I’m always a bit stunned because I don’t act that way. Nor do any of the men I know or associate with and yet—it’s happening, a lot. Another difficulty I have when it comes to bringing stuff like this up on the show, is I tend to think that you guys listening to this podcast are not the same guys that need to hear the message. I like to think that my audience is mostly made up of guys who are genuinely out there being better men than they were yesterday. You aren’t attacking women like a spoiled child, you aren’t calling people names and harassing them because you are being better men. I respect you guys. I don’t want to insult you. So that is my challenge. When I hear about abhorrent male behavior I want to do something about it. I want to talk about it and make other people aware. At the same time, I don’t want to alienate the good men that listen to this show, as though you think I’m talking about you personally. The thing is, when males behave badly in the world it effects all of us. It effects the world our daughters and sisters and friends live in. It effects our sons when they witness this behavior and think it’s ok. Also effected, is the way all of us are perceived as a group. In a way we are all guilty by association simply because we are male. Of course that isn’t accurate. We aren’t the bad guys, but we are the living example for the bad guys, and we need to have more impact. Like I said earlier, if my wife had not came to me with this, then It would not have been on my radar. There is a huge lesson in that point for all of us. The point being, that we need to listen. Just because we don’t see something doesn’t mean it does not exist. We need to hear when the women we know relate their experience to us. Our challenge, yours and mine–is to acknowledge these things that good men would normally have no idea of. We can do that by not only listening, but by really hearing and believing, and asking questions too. There is only one world, and we’re all a part of it. As men, the things that happen in this world should matter to us. In particular the things that other men are out there doing. Only when we know what the problem is will we know what to say when we speak up. Only then will we understand what kind of example we need to be, and only then can we start becoming part of the solution. Now head out there into the big world and pay attention. Don’t ignore stuff just because you think it doesn’t affect you. It does affect you, because it’s happening in your world and as a man you should be concerned with that. Listen to the women you know, get some insight into their experience. You will be better able to be a positive force, and if you are a positive force in the world then you are most assuredly being a better man than you were yesterday. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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223 – The Virtues Of Hard Work 10:17

8 years ago10:17

10:17

The Virtues Of Hard Work… I want to take a second and talk about a message I received yesterday from a regular listener named Les. It made my whole day. Les bought a copy of my book, Forging A Man. Les has two young daughters and he started reading a chapter of the book to them as bedtime stories each night. He told me about one story in particular that had a profound effect on them and even had them moved to tears. He went on to say that they are getting a lot from the lessons each story has as well. This is exactly the kind of thing I envisioned when I was writing this book. It can be used as a tool to impact other people. Not just men, or boys—but women, and as Les has testified, even little girls will get value from these stories. It’s called Forging A Man, but these stories are really about just being human, regardless of gender. So thank you Les for sharing your experience with me. I would love to hear other stories like that from other readers just write: alf@beingbetter.men . If you have not gotten your copy yet, there is a link directly to it in the show notes of this episode. Today I want to talk about the virtue of good old fashioned back breaking hard work. It’s something many people tend to avoid these days. There are many people who have never actually done excruciatingly hard physical labor in their whole life. These are soft times we live in. We buy our food already prepared. Our clothes come ready to wear, and the buildings we live in are just there…when something goes wrong we call someone else to fix it. As a species we are becoming more and more distant from our physical roots. We have forgotten that our bodies are dynamic, useful tools capable of great industry. Some people compensate by going to the gym and working out real hard. They do that because it feels good. Hard work releases endorphins in your brain that make you feel good. Hard physical labor does the same thing. I’m thinking about this today because a couple days ago I helped my brother on a job. A huge fir tree was cut down in a widow’s yard and she was paying my brother to remove it. I need more firewood for winter so I agreed to help. When I say it was a huge tree I am not exaggerating. It was over three feet in diameter at the base and over 100 feet long. It was cut into 16 inch sections, but each round of wood weighed several hundred pounds because they were so huge. We had to split the rounds into smaller pieces just so we could handle them. I have a massive sledge hammer, it has a 20 pound head. All day I used this hammer to drive a steel wedge into the wood to split it up. Then we had to load it on a trailer and drive it back to our place, it took several trips. It was a warm day and it was back-breaking, dirty work. Each time I swung that hammer it seemed to suck a little more life from my bones. The pieces of wood got heavier and heavier as the day went on. We were covered in sticky tree pitch and we were sweating profusely. It was a good thing we finished when we did because my right arm was about to give out. It had lifted that hammer so many times it was almost completely spent. You know what though? It felt good. There is something about pushing your body and mind to the point of physical failure that is extremely rewarding. Not only that, but I have a huge pile of firewood for the winter. A wood fire is the only source of heat we use in our house. This winter when it is freezing outside and we are cozy and warm by our fire, I will remember this day. I’ll remember how it felt, and it will feel good all over again. Now, two days later I have a few sore spots, but I don’t mind at all. I’m talking about the virtue of hard work because it is something that historically, has been a manly undertaking. Of course women can work hard too—and they do. There is a certain type of hard work that men have always been associated with that seems specifically manly. It actually makes you feel more like a man when you do it. I’m talking about the type of work that requires raw strength. The type of work that challenges your very existence. Men typically are the people who build things, and who tear things down. We are the people who move heavy stuff from one place to another. I think it’s sad that this type of work is looked down on by many people. It’s considered menial and “beneath them” by many who are privileged. What I’m saying, is that it is good for you. It’s good for your body, your mind, and it’s good for the man inside of you who yearns to be tested and tried. We don’t all have a brother who needs to move a big tree. You may have to search for opportunities to work like this. You can start by not avoiding hard work. Maybe you have an elderly neighbor who’s yard has gotten out of control. Why not volunteer to clean it for them? No charge, your payment is the satisfaction you will get from the effort. Since it is Friday I also want to talk about our sponsor, Stump Town Kilts. Guess what I was wearing when we moved this tree. I was not wearing pants. I was not wearing shorts, nor was I wearing a wrestling singlet. That’s right! I was wearing my green stump town kilt. It was the perfect garment to wear during this job because I had ventilation all the way up my legs. I was able to keep everything I needed with me secure in the huge hidden pocket. The material was tough enough to handle the abrasion of hundreds of pieces of wood being carried against it, and…I was able to work hard and look great doing it the whole time. I got some tree pitch on it, but I’m sure that will wash out and it will be like new again. I’m telling you, these kilts can literally be worn anywhere, doing anything. As a listener of this program you can get a substantial discount on your new kilt by going to stumptownkilts.com and entering the code: betterman when you check out. All one word, all lower case. When you do that you will receive 10% off your entire online purchase. Go to stumptownkilts.com and enter the code betterman to receive your discount today. Now head out into the big world and whatever you do, don’t be one of the people that avoid hard physical labor. Not only is it not manly to avoid work, but if you avoid the hard work you will be missing out on what it provides. A sense of accomplishment and pride. The knowledge you can make a physical difference in the world. The good feelings that get released in your brain. Not only that, but the memory of a job well done will also add to your overall confidence. Men who are capable of working hard are regarded in higher esteem by others. Most importantly though, after pushing yourself to physical extremes and working hard you will go to bed that night knowing you are a better man today than you were yesterday. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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222 – The Beauty Of Independence 10:07

8 years ago10:07

10:07

The Beauty Of Independence… Tomorrow is Independence Day here in America. I decided to go back to see what I talked about least year during this holiday. I liked it so much that I decided to replay it this year. So here it is again, from the archives: I know I have a lot of listeners who are not from America…so for you, the 4th of July is just the day that comes after the 3rd of July. In America though…it is independence day. It is the anniversary of the day 240 years ago that the declaration of independence was signed. With the signing of that document America became a new nation, completely independent from Britain’s rule. All of a sudden we were our own boss…we were independent. So the 4th of July is our national day. Other countries have National day’s too. I decided to look them up and I found a list of 171 countries that have National days, and in most cases it is a day that celebrates independence from another country. As I was looking over the list I started to notice something…Of the 171 countries listed, 55 of them celebrated their independence from the United Kingdom on their national day…just like us. There are a couple ways to look at it…the glass half empty approach would be that England really was hell-bent on taking over the whole world and it didn’t work out so well. While with the glass half full approach you could say that Great Britain is responsible for 32% of the national celebrations in the world…Yay for England! Putting all that aside, a question looms; Why is independence such a big deal that it causes entire countries to come together and celebrate it? In America we celebrate with fireworks and picnics, eating and drinking, families spending time together and people getting the day off work…unless you happen to work at one of the National retail chains that tries to capitalize on our patriotism. I had the great opportunity to be in Oslo Norway one year when they celebrated their National day on the 17th of May. They had won their independence from Denmark. It was similar to the fourth of July in many ways…but it seemed bigger to me somehow, grander, deeper. It made the 4th of July seem like a great party, while the 17th of May was a true celebration that fills the people with national pride from the youngest to the oldest. They have a parade of children in every town…imagine a river of children going through the streets waving flags and holding banners. There are speeches in the parks, and games the whole community can join into, they wear special clothing called Bunads that signifies the area they are from. So…it is a party, yes, and it’s a lot of fun…but the people really come together and celebrate something; their independence and autonomy as a nation. Nationals, immigrants, children and elderly all come together on this day for this special purpose, and it’s a beautiful thing to be a part of. That experience in Norway caused me to see the 4th of July in a different light. Sure we all know…we learn in school what it was all about. But how often do Americans actually remember what we are celebrating? When you go to the fireworks show or fire up the grill and crack that beer open do you also stop to consider for just a moment how things would be if those brave men and women who were the first Americans had not done the things they did to win our independence and secure our nation? Do you share the story with your children and explain what the day is about? I think we as a country sometimes take our autonomy for granted…and it’s kind of sad. America is far from perfect. We did, and continue to do a lot of things wrong…but, we also did a lot of things right, and better than any other country ever did before…that’s pretty cool and I prefer to focus on and celebrate those things. We have the other 364 days of the year that we can gripe and grumble about the injustices and inequities and all the other things that might be wrong. But, on this day…and on the National day for every other country in the world why not be proud and truly celebrate the things that are right and good? For one day put aside differences in lifestyle, culture, religion and politics…and just be Americans. OK, so that’s about as political as I’ll ever get on this show. I started out intending to just talk about the concept of independence as it applies to being a better man…but then I got sidetracked by the holiday itself. I’m going to take a minute now and just talk about independence. The struggles that early America went through to gain it’s independence from England is not that unlike the struggles we face as young men and women seeking our independence. England was the parent and we were the child. We thought our parent to be overbearing and old-fashioned and we thought we had a better idea, so we struck out on our own. We crave independence as a species, we don’t like anyone telling us what to do and it often leads to a lot of mistakes being made. I know it did in my life, I was so anxious to become a man and be my own boss that I ignored the good council of my elders and wound up suffering for it on more than one occasion…that’s part of the process though. I believe independence should be a goal for every man. In this case independence would be defined as operating, functioning, deciding and choosing the path and rhythm of your own life, relying only on yourself and the strength of your own will to accomplish the things you decide to. Independence is the opposite of dependence, and It would mean not being dependent upon situations and conditions, but rather…persevering and figuring out how to excel in spite of those situations and conditions…or to take it even further, being the force that creates situations and conditions that are favorable. Imagine if every man lived his life this way…it would be a different world wouldn’t it? To gain your autonomy…your independence as a man is still possible, even though we are subject to laws and governments and employers and economic statistics…we can still be autonomous men. How? By first understanding what we believe and what we stand for as individuals, and then by never compromising those beliefs for anyone or any thing. To put it another way, to be true to yourself at all costs. And there will be costs, some severe and some not, but there are always costs associated with independence, you must resolve to endure those costs whatever they are, before you begin. The reward for doing this is knowing what it is like to live and die as an independent man, and in doing so…be an example for others to follow. OK, I’m going to wrap it up there for today…I know you all have places to be and parties to attend. I want you all to have a great 4th of July, and be safe. I also ask that you take a moment to reflect on what you are celebrating, maybe even share it with someone else. You can also use this time to reflect on your own independence as a man…and what it means to be a better man today, than you were yesterday. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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221 – The Conversation Is Critical, And It’s Up To You! 12:15

8 years ago12:15

12:15

The Conversation Is Critical, And It’s Up To You… First…a word about our sponsor: This is Friday, and we are privileged to have our Friday episodes brought to you by our sponsor, stumptownkilts.com . Listeners of this show can get 10% off their entire purchase by using the code: betterman at checkout. Just go to stumptownkilts.com , do your shopping, pick out your new kilt and enter the code betterman at checkout to receive your discount. That’s betterman, all one word, all lower case. I’m proud to have Stump town as a sponsor of this show because I believe in their company and their product. I own three of their kilts myself and I plan on getting more because there are some colors I don’t have. You don’t need to iron these kilts, they are made from the best materials with the most innovative designs. Like the huge hidden pocket, adjustable sizes, and snap-on accessories. So don’t wait, summer is here and it’s time to wear your kilt. Support this show by going to stumptownkilts.com today. __________________________________________ On this show we talk about things that have to do with the act of being a man. The character of men. We talk about the role men have and the responsibility that comes along with it. The reason we do this, is because someone has to. I think one of the problems of our society is that somewhere along the line people in general just stopped talking about what manhood means. So, that’s one of the things we do here. Before the modern era, before people were so busy and so engrossed in technology I think it was a more regular part of the conversation. Sons grew up in their fathers shadows with uncles and neighbors and other male members of the community all around them, having conversations with them. The expectations of becoming a man were clear, and spoken, and demonstrated. In those days a boy looked forward to becoming a man and being a contributing member of the community. He looked forward with great anticipation to being recognized and regarded as a fellow man in the tribe. Like I said though, somewhere along the line in the past hundred years I think people in general just stopped talking about it as much. Nowadays Dads are too busy. Uncles and neighbors are also busy, and not a constant presence in a boy’s life. Much of a day’s time is spent with everyone starring at the television, or their phone, or a computer screen. What little time is left for conversation is rushed and concentrated on immediate concerns. There isn’t time to have deep meaningful, philosophical discussions about life. As a result, many boys grow up with no real guidance or direction. They emulate their peer group, older boys, music and sport idols, people they see in movies. These guys are instilled with an artificial and superficial concept of what masculinity is. They lack confidence because they have never really done anything to develop it. S elf esteem and self awareness are in short supply because they have not taken the time to know themselves. They eventually grow up, make babies, and then start the cycle all over again with their own children. It’s all quite tragic from a societal standpoint. That’s why this podcast exists; to re-ignite the conversation. I’m generalizing a great deal here. What I am describing is the worst situation, but there are many degrees of this. Many of you listening will identify with all, or perhaps just parts of what I’m saying. Some of you may not identify with it at all, but you are in the minority. You are the fortunate few who have a different experience, but this is everyones problem. It’s everyones problem because it affects our society as a whole. It affects the world our loved ones live in. I want to acknowledge all of you guys who listen to this podcast. All you guys that read books and seek out other resources related to your improvement as a man and as a person. Congratulations! You belong to a percentage of humanity that is instinctively concerned and aware. You understand that you can and should strive to be a better man, not just for your own sake, but for the sake of everyone you love and for humanity at large. If you weren’t concerned with these things, you wouldn’t be here. That is step one; being engaged and aware and concerned. Step two is that each of you need to take up the torch and continue the conversation wherever you are. In whatever circles of people you find yourself in. I am happy to lead the charge with this podcast, but I am only one voice. Earlier I mentioned that somewhere people in general stopped talking about what being a man means. If people don’t talk about it, then people don’t think about it. If people don’t think about it—it begins to lack significance and importance. It fades into irrelevance in the big picture. Then one day we wake up and there are a majority of men who have no real understanding of who or what they are. What their role is, what their responsibilities are, the importance of their example. That’s where we are today. What I’m telling you guys today is that your voice matters, in fact it is vital. You are the dads and uncles and neighbors I spoke of earlier. You guys listening to this podcast are the male role models of your community. I can give you things to think about and talk about. I can provide concepts for you to ponder, but then you have to have conversations with other people. Look for opportunities to discuss what being a man means with other men. Demonstrate to the people around you what it looks like to be a man. Demonstrate through your words and actions what it means to be a better man than you were yesterday. When you do that my single voice is multiplied by hundreds, or thousands. When that happens there will be an impact. There are many, many strategies you can use. I watched a video the other day where a senior millennial guy was talking about breaking the dependency and addiction on smart phones because that’s a real problem with that generation. He said whenever he and his friends get together or go somewhere they all leave their cell phones at home. This forces human interaction. It forces conversation and relatedness. I think it’s brilliant, I posted it on the Facebook page if you want to watch it. Another strategy is to prepare conversation starters. You know like three or four questions you have ready to ask someone when there is an opportunity. What if you asked someone questions like; If they remember the moment when they became a man? What’s the best part of being a man? what is a man’s biggest responsibility? What’s the biggest challenge men face today? What’s the real difference between a man and a boy? The point of these questions isn’t what their answer is. The point is to start a conversation, a conversation that will provide you an opportunity to exchange your thoughts and ideas. Suddenly you are talking about manhood, thinking about it, and raising it up in your consciousness. Yet another strategy is to tell people about this podcast, and other great resources you have found. Spread the word, share the things that are talked about here and see where it leads. How you carry this conversation to your community is only limited by your imagination. However, one thing that I believe is paramount, is to never ever forget that wherever you go, whatever you do, you are the example of manhood for whoever happens to be watching you. That is an extreme responsibility that cannot be overstated. As you go out into the big world join me in re-igniting this conversation wherever you are. Make the time to have meaningful discussions. Be an example for other men and demonstrate what being a man means with your words and actions. Add your voice to mine and deliver this message to the world around you. That is what will have an impact. In the process you will also be a better man than you were yesterday. Check out the links below and remember, you can always write me at: alf@beingbetter.men . Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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205 – The Power Of Today…again 10:04

8 years ago10:04

10:04

The Power Of Today…again Hey everybody, welcome to Being A Better Man. I am your host my name is Alf Herigstad, and today I’m going to do something a little different. I’m actually headed out of town and my schedule is totally booked up for a few days so I thought I would replay an episode from December 30th, almost 6 months ago. It’s the last episode of 2016, number 147. I chose this episode because the content is still valid for one—but also because it’s an opportunity for all of us to check in on how this year is going. Are we accomplishing the things we set out to do at the start of the year? Or, do we need to change directions and do something different for the next half of the year? I’ll be back on Monday with a brand new episode. I hope everyone has a great weekend. Before I get started I want to mention the sponsor of todays episode, Stump Town Kilts. Stump Town Kilts is making it possible for me to share todays episode with you. If you wear kilts, or have ever even considered the possibility of wearing a kilt, please go to their website and look at what they have to offer. As a listener of this show you can receive 10% off your on-line purchase by entering the code: betterman when you check out. These are the kilts I wear every day and there are two features that I especially love. One is the huge hidden pocket right in front. I carry a ton of stuff in there and nobody knows it there…because it’s hidden! It is a brilliant feature. I also love the attachable pockets, because I can move them around where they are most useful and they are interchangeable. I can put a black pocket on my green kilt if I want to. So check out stumptownkilts.com , when you use the code: betterman they will know that Alf sent you. Thanks for supporting this sponsor. Yes, today is the last episode of 2016. I personally am happy to welcome in the new year. 2016 was ok, but I’m always excited about what lays ahead…the future. In January of 2016, almost a year ago, I started this podcast…146 episodes ago. There was a lot of crazy stuff that happened in the world this past year, stuff that I never expected. I am sure that 2017 will have its share of crazy stuff as well. Thats kind of how life goes…there is always something dramatic happening. Peoples individual lives go through changes, relationships end and new relationships begin. People die, and new ones are born. Life keeps marching along regardless of what anyone does, it is an unstoppable force. For some reason we humans try to make sense of it all by putting time in boxes. We separate the years, months weeks, and even the hours of the day. We give everything a name or a number. Then, once we have time all separated, we assign our own thoughts and feelings to it. Some people will look at the end of 2016 as a great thing, they will see 2017 as a chance for something great to happen, like a painter standing before a blank canvass. The new year gives them hope that things will be better. Other people look at the coming year with dread and fear. The uncertainty of an entirely unknown year coming, makes them nervous. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with how people perceive time, it’s what helps us understand the world we live in. Dates also give us great reference points for things that happened in the past like birthdays and anniversaries. However, I do think it’s important to not let this system run you. The year 2017 is nothing more than a collection of individual days exactly like 2016 was. There is a reason I am always saying to be a better man today than you were yesterday…instead of be a better man this year than you were last year. A day is a manageable chunk of time. 2017 has not happened yet…it is still an imaginary place that doesn’t exist. Likewise, 2016 is all but gone, it’s over, it is part of history that will never happen again. But today is real. Today, right now in the moment you are living is the only real moment of time that you have access to. We can’t change the way the world perceives time, but…by changing our own perspective just a bit we can learn to use time to our best advantage. We can’t change anything that happened in the past year, but we can learn from everything that happened. 2016 may be gone, but it doesn’t have to be wasted. What worked and what didn’t work? What lessons did you learn? Were opportunities missed? This is all very useful data that you can use today…right now, in this fleeting moment that you are alive in. Now is your chance, your only chance to make use of this information. The same is true of 2017. It hasn’t happened yet, it is completely unknown, but If you decide not how you would like 2017 to go, but rather, how you will make it go , then you may be able to take an active role in creating that reality. How? by taking action in this moment that you are alive. I cannot over state the truth and power of today. Today is the only chance you have, right now, this minute, of having any effect on the future that has not happened yet. Many people are victims of time. They lament and grieve about the past, and they wait for the future to happen to them without taking an active role in it. That is a choice you can definitely make, you can sit back and just let life happen to you. You can rejoice when it goes well and complain when things don’t go your way. I think that is a poor choice though. I don’t think that is a choice you can make if you actually want to be a better man. What I’m saying is that it is silly to worry about things that have not happened. Don’t worry about 2017 because that is a waste of your time. Instead, realize that each day you are alive is an opportunity to create the reality you want. Realize that you have a say in how the next year goes, and the way to do that is by living each day with intention and purpose. Don’t let life happen to you…you, should happen to life. That is why I encourage people to focus on being a better man today, than they were yesterday, because today is our only shot, it’s the only thing thats real. So, if you learn everything you can from the past, and focus on each day, hour, and minute you are living in, then you will be taking an active role in your own future. Every day you do that you aren’t only improving yourself…you are improving your own future, and indirectly the future of all the other people in your life. If you do that, 2017 will take care of itself. It will be the best year it can be, if you are being the best man you can be, each day. Hey if this is a new concept for you, a new idea that you aren’t sure how to implement…I’m here to help, really. Just write me a letter at: alf@beingbetter.men. let me know what you are struggling with and I’ll help you figure it out. That’s all I have for today guys. think it over, consider your perspective of time and make it work to your best advantage. This is Alf Herigstad, signing out…I’ll see you next year. Hey don’t forget to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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204 – The Virtue Of Diplomacy 9:40

8 years ago9:40

9:40

The Virtue Of Diplomacy… Hey every body! Welcome! You have arrived at a podcast that is devoted to advancing the consciousness of men everywhere. Specifically…the part of our consciousness that has to do with character. Welcome to Being A better Man! This is my favorite time of year. Today is the 17th of May, and it is a really big deal in Norway. It is their constitution day, when they declared independence from Sweden. I’ll be attending a big Parade today in Ballard Washington, and for all of my Norwegian listeners, I would like to say; Gratularer med dagen! Hip hip hurrah! It’s good to celebrate all the good things in life, because life can really get heavy sometimes can’t it? I find myself, in today’s political climate spending a certain amount of energy on simply not engaging. It isn’t just the political climate though, it’s the racial climate and all the things going on internationally as well. There is also gender issues and healthcare issues and a whole list of other things that are just there every time you turn on a computer or have a conversation with somebody. That is the world we live in today. When I said I find myself spending energy on NOT ENGAGING, what I meant was that it is way too easy to get caught up in all this stuff. With this many opinions in the world I really have to watch myself. I cannot allow myself to get triggered by something someone says that I think is inaccurate. Why? Because it is not productive. It does nothing to advance my life or my situation. Just this evening I witnessed a debate on Facebook between two guys I went to school with. They are on opposite sides of the issue they are talking about. I watch as their comments become more and more personal, more aggressive, and sharp. Eventually, they both turn into elementary school children hurling insults, and what is the product of all this vitriol? Is anyones mind changed? No. The only thing produced by all of it is bad feelings between two people who otherwise, would be friends. I have plenty of opinions myself. Furthermore, I enjoy a good intellectual debate about something—but this was not an intellectual debate. I was tempted to jump in the ring with my two friends and let them know what I thought as well. I didn’t though, because I have learned it accomplishes nothing. It only produces more negativity and I can’t be a party to that. In the past, when I have gotten caught up in this stuff I found that it occupied way more of my band-width than it should have. You steam and stew about it, you get angry. You go to bed thinking of all the other brilliant points you could have made and it leaves you with a bad feeling about the person you were engaged with. So now I spend energy staying out of things like that, because it is still less energy than I would waste if I got into it, and make no mistake, it is a complete waste of energy because it accomplishes nothing. The reason I’m talking about this is because it matters how we navigate through the world. It matters how we interact with people and conduct ourselves. Part of our job as men in my opinion, is to preserve the most important things we have, which are our relationships. The ability to rise above the emotional fray requires maturity, common sense, and character. If I had to be angry at everyone I know who thinks differently than me…that would become a full time job, spent on something that is entirely negative. That just doesn’t seem smart in my book. The question then becomes, how do we stay out of these childish squabbles and still remain a self realized, fully expressed adult in society? The thought of never commenting on anything or engaging in discussion seems very limiting…and it is. I would never suggest that you do that, I think men should be seen and heard. I think the most important thing to do is learn how to choose your battles wisely. Sadly, I have found that there seems to be a very small percentage of the population that is capable of discussing things without getting emotional. We have all seen people go to the red zone in seconds and become super angry when their cherished belief is questioned. The problem with that, is when people are angry or emotional, they cease to be rational. Having a discussion with an irrational person is pointless. Therefore, I will not engage people who are not capable of keeping their emotions in check. What sometimes works for me when someone wants to hear my point of view, and I know it’s different than theirs, is I set ground rules right up front. I tell them I will be happy to have a discussion as long as we approach it intellectually. I tell them as soon as it becomes emotional I will leave the conversation. It’s amazing. When you get an agreement from someone prior to starting a conversation it’s a whole different world. Suddenly you are both free to express yourself without trying to prove something. You are exchanging ideas and opinions without someone insisting on being right. The best part though, is that you both have an opportunity to hear one another. People who are angry don’t hear, they can’t because they are too busy formulating their next verbal onslaught, instead of listening and responding. This method isn’t easy, especially if you have never tried it. It takes practice. Diplomacy is a skill that you can spend a lifetime improving. It is an extremely valuable skill that I encourage you to develop though. Diplomacy causes us to exercise our character and develop our communication. It results in being heard more than you are not heard. Ultimately, it gives you more opportunity to have positive influence on the world around you than you would have otherwise. All of these things are part of being a better man today than you were yesterday. Hey I would love to hear from you about this episode or any of them. If you have questions or thoughts you want to share just write me an email at: alf@beingbetter.men . Thanks for tuning in today. Remember to check out our PATREON page and find out how you can support this show by becoming a patron. Remember also that my book Forging A Man is now out in both paperback and as an eBook. The links to all that stuff is right below. Now head out into the big world and learn how to choose your battles. Promote positivity in all of your interactions and do not get involved in irrational conversations. These are just a few things that will help you be a better man today, than you were yesterday. Hey don’t forget to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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203 – The Miracle Of Motherhood 9:39

8 years ago9:39

9:39

The Miracle Of Motherhood… I have a lot of things I could discuss that relate to being a better man—there are many relevant topics begging to be discussed. However, today I’m having a hard time tapping into those topics because all that is on my mind is the magic of motherhood. This episode is being released the day after Mothers day here in America, but I’m actually recording it the day before—on mothers day. I just got home from having an intimate celebration with my Dad, sister and brother. We went to a local restaurant and spent some time together and we all toasted my mother, who has been gone since January of 2013. Look, as men I think it’s important for us to occasionally set some time aside and acknowledge the things we are unable to do as men. One of the things we cannot do is be a mother. We cannot be mothers. No matter how hard we try and no matter how in touch we are with our feminine side…we can never be a mother. We can’t do that. I personally think that mother’s are equally responsible for the development of boys turning into men as fathers are. I can tell you that if it wasn’t for my mom, I would not be the person I am today. My dad was an exemplary example of manhood. He showed me what being a man meant, what it was all about, and how to do it. My mom though—she taught me how to be a human being. She taught me how to feel. She taught me how to laugh and cry and she connected me with many other parts of my humanity that frankly, I think my dad would have had a hard time doing. Not because he was inept in any way, but just because he was busy being a man. Think about it; in a normal situation all of us are with our mothers primarily for the first 10 years or so of our life. After that other influences start to take hold, but those first few years are critical, it’s when the foundation is laid. They are very impressionable years and mothers play an enormous role in shaping the people we eventually become. I spent several years as a single parent, I was privileged to have two daughters and a son. I believe I was a good dad, but I was probably a horrible mother. Even though I tried very hard to be nurturing and kind and motherly at times, because that’s what you have to do when you are a single parent—I know I was probably woefully inadequate when it came down to it. Try as I might, I could not be a mother. Thankfully, my mom stepped in and was not only a grand mother to my children, but she also filled a large mother role as well, when I could not. My children all turned into great people and great parents of their own children, but I can’t take all the credit for that. In fact, most of the credit probably goes to my mom. The same woman that shaped me into who I am, shaped my children into who they are. I was there as an example, and I still am, but my mother taught them things that I would have never been able to. Sadly, mothers are often taken for granted. Their love and devotion to us is so complete that we come to expect it, to feel entitled to it. We know it’s always going to be there no matter what we do or say or how bad we screw up—our moms are always going to love us. It’s real easy to take our moms for granted right up until the moment that they are no longer here. Suddenly, there comes a point in life when you find yourself without a mother, that is the way of things. No matter how tough or awesome or successful you are in life, when your mom dies, a piece of you goes with her. The little boy inside you panics and you feel lost, like a ship adrift on the ocean with no reference of were you are. That one constant source of security you have known since you were born, is gone. I’m talking about this today because I think it’s important, that we all acknowledge our mother’s, and all the other mothers we know. The mothers of the world do more for the advancement of our species than any other force on earth. Each one of us, regardless of your circumstance owes your life to your mother. Even if you happen to have a crappy mother, you still owe her your life, and that isn’t a small thing. In short, what I’m trying to get across is that motherhood itself is a miracle. It is a magical, spiritual, biological, emotional phenomenon that we as men will never be able to grasp entirely…but we can acknowledge it. We can admit that it’s something we will never be able to do or be. It is something to be celebrated because without motherhood, civilization would not exists. Motherhood makes everything else possible. It’s great that we have Mother’s day once a year. However, if you really want to be a better man, then every day you should remember to honor the mothers in your life. Not just your own mom but the mother of your children, your grand mother, all the mothers you know deserve your continuing recognition. It’s easy to be a great son on Mother’s Day. It’s even a more special thing to do something special for the moms in your life at random times throughout the year. Let them know how special they are and how much you appreciate them for no particular reason at all…other than that’s how you feel. Everybody dies eventually. Don’t wait until the mother’s in your life are dead to realize how much they matter. My mom knew how I felt about her, and that made it much easier to deal with her passing. I didn’t leave things unsaid. Seize every chance you can to celebrate the motherhood you witness in life. Acknowledge it and honor it for the miracle it is. Be grateful for it, because without mothers, we wouldn’t have an opportunity to be a better man today than we were yesterday. Go out and hug a mom right now. Hey don’t forget to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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202 – Home Life vs. Work Life 14:01

8 years ago14:01

14:01

Hey every body! Alf Herigstad here, broadcasting from the rain-soaked, wind-battered region of the country known as western Washington. You have arrived at the podcast that is devoted to advancing the character of men—welcome to Being A Better Man. I got a letter recently from a listener named Calen. In it, h e said that he is having trouble getting things together at both work and home at the same time. He said he knows what it takes to be the best at everything individually, but the trouble comes in when you try to be the best at everything at once. He thinks consistency might be part of the problem, and that constantly trying to balance all aspects of his life is leaving him feeling burned out on everything. Sound familiar? What Calen is describing is one of the most relevant issues men face today; trying to find balance between work, home, and your social life. So that’s what I’m going to talk about today, but first I am going to acknowledge the sponsor of todays program: Stumptown kilts. I’ll tell you a little story; I started going to a tavern last summer to play bingo with my dad. It was a good way to spend time with him doing something he enjoys. It was summertime and I always wore one of my kilts. Then winter hit, and there were rare occasions that I would wear jeans instead of my kilt. Every time I did that people I didn’t even know would come up to me and ask me why I wasn’t wearing my kilt. They were disappointed, they had come to expect that I would always be wearing a kilt and when I wasn’t it seemed to leave them feeling unsettled somehow. I’m telling you this story to illustrate the power of the kilt. When you wear a kilt people notice you, and they remember you. You somehow instantly become extraordinary because you aren’t dressed like everyone else. I can tell you, as a man, being extraordinary can come in really handy. Beyond that, there is the basic comfort and freedom that a kilt provides. I do everything in my kilt from climbing mountains, to fishing, to officiating weddings, and the only brand of kilt I’ll buy is Stump Town Kilts. Why? because of the superb craftsmanship, the innovative design, the affordable price, and the durable material that I don’t have to iron. In my opinion they are the best kilt on the market and right now you can get one of your very own. You can become extraordinary right now for a substantial discount by going to stumptownkilts.com . Just pick out your next kilt, then enter the code: betterman, at checkout. All one word, all lower case, and you will receive 10% off your entire purchase. Remember also, by supporting our sponsor you are also supporting this show, so do it today. _________________________________ Ok back to our topic of the day. As men none of us really have a simple life do we? Our lives are divided up into sections that sometimes seem to be at war with each other. We have our homes where we eat and sleep and spend time with our families, that’s one section. For most of us hopefully, our home life is the best part of life, the part we look forward to the most. Then we have our work life. Where many of us trade our time in exchange for money, doing something that is making someone else rich. Others of us might be self-employed, in which case the massive responsibility to your customers and employees sort of takes the place of an employer. Either way though, no matter what you do, the amount of time you spend on your home life is mandated and limited by the amount of time you spend at work. At the same time—the quality of your home life also depends on your work life, because it takes money to live and eat and buy clothes for your kids and go to the doctor. So unless we are independently wealthy…we have to earn a living doing something. In addition to our home and work life, there is also our social life. The social lives of men vary widely depending on our age, relationship status, lifestyle, where you live, and several other factors. Here again, balance is required. If we spend too much time on our social life then our home or work life could suffer. On the other hand, if we spend little to no time on our social life, we could suffer emotionally because human beings are designed to be social—we are very social animals and a healthy social life is good for us. I think balancing these three sections of life is more difficult now than it has ever been. As recently as 200 years ago most people were part of a small community. Most people worked very near their home or spent their time farming their food and making their clothes. Their work life was not so separated from their home life and often times an entire family would work together. Likewise, social life was much simpler as well because it involved the people of your community who you knew and were familiar with. People who had a lifestyle similar to yours and the community itself would put on social events to feed that part of peoples souls. Social life was not in conflict with work and home, rather it was an enhancement to both. We don’t live 200 years ago though, we live right now—so what can we do? I have struggled with this myself my entire life. My home life has always been my top priority, but when I was in my 20’s I thought that working and making money was the best way I could take care of my family so I poured myself into that. I had a construction company and for a few years I was killing myself working 14 to 16 hours a day because I thought that was the right thing to do. What I didn’t realize, is that my home life was suffering. I was being an absent father because I was always working. My relationships, all of them were suffering because it’s hard to be related to someone if you are never around, if you are always busy. I came to my senses fairly quickly, before too much damage was done, and I made some corrections, I was lucky. Some guys spend their whole life on that hamster wheel, and when they retire on a big pile of money they can’t understand why they are divorced or on the verge of it. They don’t know why they aren’t close to anyone, why their kids don’t really know them, and why so many friends aren’t around anymore. I’ve seen these men, they are lonely and sad. I think this is one of the most tragic fates a man can suffer. That doesn’t quite answer the question though does it? It doesn’t explain how a man is supposed to balance all this stuff. I would be dishonest if I told you there was a standard formula. There is no easy answer because every man is different and everyones life is different. I can tell you what I think though, I can try to give you some direction that you might be able to use to help figure out your own answer. I think having clear priorities is the key. You should write them down too because that makes them real and not just an idea. You should prioritize everything in your life according to how important it is to you from the most, down to the least. Be detailed. Don’t just right down that your home life is number one, there should be subcategories. What is it about your home life that is most important? Is it your relationship with your family members, the amount of time you spend together, what kind of activities you do, how often you laugh? What is most important about your role as a father, a husband, a friend? The more detailed you can be the better. Likewise, don’t just write down ‘work’. What is important to you about work? Do you want to make more money, get promoted, be recognized for your accomplishments, do you want to retire? Or do you want to start your own business or eventually work from home? Whatever is important to you, write it down. You keep writing stuff down until you run out of stuff. When your’e done everything that’s important to you should now be on the paper. Great! Now you have a list of things, big deal. It’s absolutely worthless unless you actually use it as a guide. A guide to help govern your focus and attention. Remember, the things we focus on, expand. So you want to be sure and put more focus and attention on the things that are actually most important to you. The other trick to making this work, is that you will need to refer to this list often, perhaps even daily but at the very least weekly, until it becomes a habit. When your focus becomes out of alignment with your list you will notice it, and be able to make corrections. If you make a list like this, pin it on your wall, and never look at it again, then absolutely nothing will change and a year from now you will still be wondering how to balance your life. Another thing to remember is that you may need to audit your list from time to time. As your life changes and evolves, things might actually shift in their level of importance. I know there are things that are very important to me today that were barely a concern 10 years ago. So every three months or so take a look at that, as things change in your life stay on top of it. look, I know making lists is kind of a drag. It isn’t fun, in fact it requires effort on your part but—that’s my advice. You can add your own spin to it. You can do it individually and then again with your wife, or however you want to do it. However, if you want to make changes, if you want to make things better, sometimes you need a framework to help organize your efforts, and that’s what this is. If you would like some more talk about balancing your life you can also refer back to Episode 175 , where I talk about it in slightly more general terms. Now head out into the world with the knowledge that whatever happens, it’s up to you and you alone. Everything in your life is ultimately your fault, so be proactive, take action, and be responsible for your life. In doing so you will be a better man today than you were yesterday. Hey don’t forget to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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201 – I’m Back! With a harrowing tale… 17:04

8 years ago17:04

17:04

I’m Back! With a harrowing tale… Hey every body! I’m back! This is Alf Herigstad resuming the Being A Better Man podcast after mother nature took me out for a few days. As you may have noticed there was no podcast last Friday, or this Monday, and todays podcast is coming out late in the day. I am sorry for the break in continuity, it’s the first time that I have ever missed releasing an episode on time and there is a good reason for it. Here where I live in the wilds of Western Washington, we had a major weather event that causes severe damage. We thought it was a tornado, but turns out it was a micro-burst. Essentially it was a super powerful storm with tornado like gusts of wind. It cut a swath of destruction though our community and we were without power and internet for several days. Even as I am recording this episode we do not have internet…our power just can back on though, so I am getting ready for when our internet does come back on line. Everyone that went through this storm has a different story about what it was like for them, what they saw and what happened. I am no different. However, I am going to share my story with you, not just for the story aspect—but also because of the observations I made during the chaos. For those of you who don’t know, I spend a portion of my time being a substitute school bus driver. I enjoy the interactions with the children and some of the other challenges that come with the position. On the day of the storm I had an after school route from an elementary school, kids between kindergarten and 5th grade who had some sort of after school activity and needed to be brought home. We had a little thunder storm earlier in the day with heavy rain and wind, and everyone thought it was over. As I pulled up to the school and was waiting for the children to come out, I got out of the bus and was just looking around. It was very eerie. There wasn’t any wind, and the sky and everything else was taking on an unusual color. I looked to the southern sky and I saw clouds that were pitch black all across the southern sky from horizon to horizon. There was something else though, a very odd cloud shape I hadn’t seen before. It looked like it was welling up from somewhere evil, with little tendrils underneath it. It looked…ominous, and foreboding. Here are pictures of the approaching storm: This odd, ominous cloud was clearly advancing toward where I was. About that time the children started coming out of the school. As they were boarding the bus I saw the first rain drops hit the windshield. By the time all 23 kids were on board it was full on raining, and lightning and thunder had started up again. Being kids of this age, many of them were scared of the lightning and especially the thunder. There were two adult aids who boarded with the children to help maintain order during the trip and all three of us were assuring the children that it wasn’t anything to worry about. By the time I had pulled the bus out of the parking lot and was on the street—everything changed. It was as if the heavens had opened and began to pour out everything they had, all at once. The wind seemed to be coming from every direction at once and the bus was rocking back and forth under its invisible influence. The rain was so heavy that it wasn’t like rain at all, it was more like solid sheets of water falling from the sky, as if there was a gigantic bucket above us being poured out. To make matters worse, when I had started my day the sun was shining, so I had put on my dark prescription sunglasses. My clear glasses were in the car. Even though it was early evening, it was as dark as the middle of night. The kids were asking me to please turn on the interior lights, but they were already on, that’s how dark it was. So there I am in pitch black, with dark sunglasses driving a bus in a freak storm with 23 kids behind me…and I can’t see anything. Almost immediately, several children started crying. They were very afraid, perhaps more afraid than they had ever been before. Fear is contagious, and it quickly spread to all the other children on the bus. They were all crying, wailing really. The aids were doing all they could to maintain order but it was a losing battle. I made a couple turns very slowly and I made it to the first child’s stop, which was only about a half mile from the school. I stopped the bus and knew we would have to wait here until it blew over before I could let anyone out. The storm had now reached it’s apex, foliage was flying through the air and more water than I had ever seen was dumping out of the sky amid non-stop lightning and huge crashes of thunder. When I stopped the bus I was next to a storm drain, but within five minutes the drain had clogged and now the bus was sitting in 18 inches of water. I was helping the aids to reassure the children, but it seemed almost pointless, they couldn’t hear us because their fear had reached a level that made reason obsolete. Three of the children were so scared that they just started throwing up. It had all happened so quickly, in just a matter of minutes really, and it was around this time when I realized that I was in a very unusual situation. Then one of the older boys finally reached the limits of his sanity. He was bouncing all around the bus like a trapped animal. Then he came to the front of the bus, to me. He got in my face and demanded that I start driving, now. He kept screaming over and over that he had to get to his parents, he demanded that I start driving the bus and go back to the school. I have rarely seen that level of rage from anyone, much less a 10 year old. Meanwhile another boy was trying to open the door as if he were leaving. When asked what he was doing he just kept repeating that he had to find his dad…he wanted his dad. The aids had been on the phone with several parents. It was decided that I would drive back to the school. On the way back we had to maneuver around fallen trees and branches and drive through some very deep water. When we got back to the school the storm seemed to be losing some of it’s gusto. An administrator came out and we decided that it had become unsafe to transport the children with all the downed power lines and trees. All the children got off and were taken into the school, their parents would be called to come and get them there. As they got off the bus I said goodbye to them. Last to get off were five kids who had not been crying, they didn’t seem shaken up at all. I congratulated them on their courage and thanked them for maintaining their composure. From there it took me forever to get back to the bus yard. Many major streets were closed and traffic was ridiculous. Trees had uprooted fences and sidewalks. Power lines were hanging down in the street and many, many trees…big ones, had just toppled over under the force of the wind. Here is one of many trees: Eventually I made it back, parked the bus, and then I had to figure out how to get home. The roads near my home were even worse. Eventually though, I made it home to my dark house with no electricity and no internet. The next day I surveyed the damage to our property. We were lucky. It looked like a small forrest had sprouted in our field, it was the branches of big fir trees that were driven into the earth upright by the wind so hard, that they looked like young trees growing instead of branches. We lost a few big trees and a few fences were damaged, but mostly we were intact. I spent the next couple days re-living those moments on the bus and thinking about those children. It was difficult for me to understand at first. I had never witnessed that degree of mass hysteria before. As I thought about it I realized what I had witnessed was the loss of innocence. For most of these children this was the hardest, most scary thing they had ever endured. Up to this point everything was solid for them, everything was stable and easy and comfortable. This storm took them so far out of their comfort zone and away from the safety they had come to expect that they reacted instinctively. It was like having a little window into the behavior of our species. Just because we are adults now we really aren’t that different from the kids on the bus that day. When extreme situations occur humans will react in predictable ways, and every one of those behaviors were represented on the bus that day. The majority just sat and cried, looking to the leaders for help and security, immobilized by their own fear. A couple of them snapped, and began acting aggressive and irrational, even dangerous. Some of them became physically ill. Then there was the small group who seemed to take it in stride. They were calm and rational, even though they were concerned they never stopped thinking or lost their connection with reality. In every catastrophe you hear about happening around the world you see these different behaviors over and over again by adults. For these children this storm may have been the worse thing they had ever experienced, so for them this was a real catastrophe and they acted appropriately—like humans. As men, when faced with catastrophe, I think it is preferable to do what we can to ensure that we are always in the last group. The calm, rational, thinking group, Because that is where we can do the most good and help the most people when things go bad. How can we prepare for that? It isn’t really a matter of gender though. On the bus there were children of each gender in each of the behavior groups. However, as men, I think we have an obligation to ourself and others to attempt to be in the group that maintains control. It’s difficult to prepare for something that has never happened to you before, but I believe there are some things we can do. The first thing of course is to live your life in such a way that you actually know who you are. You know your limits, your strengths, and you are familiar with your weaknesses. The more you know yourself the better you will handle any situation. Secondly, I think making a conscious effort to think about these things goes a long way. For example I am always imagining the worst case scenarios, playing out in my mind what I would do if this or that happened. It helps because as we think of these things our subconscious mind remembers it. Our subconscious doesn’t make a distinction between reality and imagination—so it’s all practice. Also, start making note of your reactions in every day life. We all have minor catastrophes from time to time. We get a flat tire on the way to work, or your kid spills the milk, someone cuts you off in traffic or you stub your little toe on the leg of the couch. These types of every day occurrences are opportunities to take stock of your reaction and behavior when something unexpected happens, and it’s an opportunity to make improvements. It’s all practice, for the big hard things if you are paying attention. Before I go I want to thank our sponsor, Stumptown Kilts. Since there was no Friday episode last week I’m going to talk about them today as well. In my opinion, Stump town kilts are the finest kilts a man—or anyone, can get. For several reasons. It’s not just the way each kilt is expertly crafted, or the premium, durable no-iron material they use. It isn’t just the innovative design and the snap-on accessories or the huge hidden pocket, or even that they are adjustable to five sizes. Nor is it solely the great people who work at Stumptown Kilts or the affordable prices…it’s all of these things. All of these things together make Stumptown Kilts the best and only choice for the would-be kilt wearer. Right now, listers of this podcast can get 10% off their on-line purchase by going to stumptownkilts.com and entering the purchase code: betterman, at check out. All one word, all lower case. That way they will know Alf sent you, and you will get a great deal on your new kilt. Ok guys, I am back on track now. My power and internet are back on so I will resume normal broadcasting. Thanks for sticking with me. If you want to support the show don’t...…

Being A Better Man

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200 – 200 Episodes! Thanks To you… 11:23

8 years ago11:23

11:23

Hey every body, this is a pretty special day—a mile stone, if you will. It’s a special day because this is the 200th episode of Being A Better Man! That’s right guys! Exactly 464 days ago I sat down to the Being A Better Man microphone and recorded the very first episode. Now here we are at number 200…pretty crazy right? It’s astounding to me, because when I started this I didn’t know if I would make to episode 30. I had no idea what was going to happen or how it would be received, but here we are celebrating 200 shows. In the past 464 days about 245,000 of you have downloaded an episode. That’s almost a quarter million…so that seems kind of significant. That means that for the past 464 days 528 people somewhere in the world have listened to the show every single day. That’s the average, and since I only make three a week it includes all the days that I don’t release a new episode. Every day, about 528 people listen. That’s pretty cool. This would not have been possible without you guys out there tuning in. Without you guys I would just be a guy in a man cave talking to myself but you guys made this happen, so thank you. If it wasn’t for the download evidence that people were actually listening, and if it wasn’t for all the amazing feedback I’ve gotten from listeners, I probably would have stopped doing this a long time ago. There were times when I started questioning if I was having an impact, and started wondering if I should do something different…and then I would get a letter from some body telling me that listening has helped them make improvements in their life. Or I would get a letter thanking me for saving their marriage and for keeping their family together. I even got some letters from wives of listeners thanking me for the difference the show is making in their home. These letters that I got from you over these past 464 days are what made all the difference for me. They are like fuel for my spirit, I love getting them. They let me know we were on the right track here and that the show was in fact making a difference. So thank you to everyone who ever reached out and said anything to me at all, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You know recently I was sort of going through this again. I was telling my wife I was thinking about scaling back, that three episodes a week were just becoming too much with everything else I have going on. I was thinking of going to just one episode a week, maybe two sometimes. In fact I was going to make this episode, episode 200, the point at which I made the change. But, then like every time before I got another letter from a listener that changed everything. It reminded me of the importance of what we are doing here. That letter helped to re-charge my focus and I realized I can’t scale back…not yet. I decided as long as people are out there being impacted and deciding to change their life around and be better men every day…I need to just keep going. So for now at least, I plan to keep on bringing you three episodes a week, every single week. I keep talking about you listeners being impacted, but the truth is that I have been heavily impacted by this show as well. When I started this I told you I was on my own journey to be a better man every day, and I was inviting you to join me in that mission. You did, and as a result of that I have also been transformed. I didn’t start this podcast because I know everything or have all the answers, I started it because I was on a journey. I have to tell you that putting these 200 episodes together, writing them, researching them, recording them…all of it has also transformed me. I can say without reservation, that I am a better man today than I was 464 days ago and I have this podcast and you the listeners of this podcast to thank for that. Thank you. Aside from the feedback and interaction with you, the other thing that has helped me keep going is the sponsor of the Friday shows, Stumptown Kilts. They came on about 6 months ago and it really helped out. There is also the PATREON page, where a few of you decided to pledge a monthly amount to the show and every single penny is really appreciated. I would urge you, if you have been intending to contribute on the Patreon page but haven’t gotten around to it…please follow the link in the show notes and get it done. It’s a small thing, the amount is up to you, but it really adds up and helps things keep moving around here. Thank you for that. There was a format change a little while ago. I had been telling a story every Wednesday and at the end of each story I would talk about the lesson I learned that helped shape me into who I eventually became. I have stopped doing that on a regular basis now because after 60 plus stories…I’m afraid if I keep going I’ll run out. So I’ll still tell a story from time to time but not every week. That leads me to the other big news. For those of you that enjoyed the story segments, now you can have them forever and share them with your kids or whoever for the rest of your life, because I compiled 55 of those stories into a book called Forging A Man. It’s available right now on Amazon in both print and eBook form. I encourage you to get one or two, it is also another way of indirectly helping to support this show…and I think it’s a pretty good book. In the last year you may have noticed I have not had many guests. In fact the last guest I had was Tom Schwab back in October, 8 months ago. Luckily I have had plenty to talk about without having guests. I want you to know I am not opposed to having guests on the show, they just take a little more time, and I haven’t had too much of that lately. It is my intention to have more guests on the show in the months to come. I have two or three people I am considering for guests right now. That leads me into the last thing I want to talk about today; the future. Moving forward I would like to see more constructive feedback from you listeners. I invite you to send me your questions or topic ideas, and if you have a guest you would like to see on the show tell me about that too. Ultimately, this is your show. You make it happen every time you listen. So I want to be sure I’m talking about the things that matter to you where you live right now. No idea or topic is off limits. Tell me whats hard about life, ask me those questions you have been wresting with, and also tell me whats been working for you. It’s not just me or you that you are helping when you do this, your’e also helping the other 528 guys that are going to be listening every day. There might be somebody out there going through the same thing you are, and your topic suggestion could really help them out. So just start thinking about that as you go through your day and when you think of a great topic idea or question, just fire me an email. It would be really cool to organize some events too. I’m still brainstorming that, but I’m thinking webinars or actual live seminars where people could ask questions and talk about the journey of being a better man, and we can all work on this and support each other as a community of men. If you are interested in that or have ideas about it, please let me know. The best way to reach out to me is to just write me an email at: alf@beingbetter.men. Ok guys, that’s about all I have for today. I am humbled and grateful for your presence. Thank you so much for listening and supporting the show. Thank you for helping me to be a better man than I was yesterday. It has been a fantastic journey so far and with your help, we might make 200 more, we’ll see. Hey don’t forget to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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199 – Is She The One? 12:10

8 years ago12:10

12:10

My name is Alf Herigstad and I would like to welcome you to Being A Better Man. The podcast that is focused on the character of men exclusively. We talk about a wide range of topics here, but they all relate back to us individually, and what kind of men we are. As I go through this episode I will be using the pronouns of heterosexual relationships, mainly because that is the majority of who I’m talking to. If you are of another gender preference or persuasion just insert your own identifier. The him, her, he, she isn’t that important…what’s important is that we are all humans and these things are true for everyone. There is a question that every man asks himself through the course of his life. Sometimes he asks it once, and sometimes it may be several times. The question I’m talking about comes up when you meet a new potential woman who you think might be worth investing yourself in. The question is; “Is she the one.” THE ONE. That is kind of a big deal in our common vernacular. It is a statement that combines a lot of concepts together. Like will she be a good wife, a good mother. Will she be a good partner in the the lifestyle that I want to live, will we be happy together forever? Will she get along with my family and does she like dogs and if I go fishing will she want to come with me? For each one of us, the requirements of “THE ONE” may be different. We all have a different idea of that dream girl, and it depends a lot on where you are from and what your interests are. What your sense of humor is like and what kind of person you are attracted to. It’s different for everybody. Even when we know the answers. Even when we know the kind of person we are looking for, it seems like this question frequently comes up, sometimes at the last minute, when you are on the threshold of the altar about to get married. “Is she the one?” The intent of this episode is to give you a shortcut to that answer. Some of you that are blinded by love or lust won’t hear me…but hopefully the rest of you will. I’ll start by identifying some of the ways you can be sure she is not the “ONE”. If you have frequent fights, or any fights, and call each other names—she is not the one. Remember nothing gets better–if you are fighting now, you will fight more later. If you feel like you have sacrificed a portion of your personal identity in order to be with her, she is not the one. If your identity is diminished in the relationship it will create resentment that builds until it erupts, usually in an ugly way. In the event spending time with her and her family seems more like a chore than a joy…she is not the one. Anything that seems forced or unnatural is a red flag to be aware of. You each have things that are important to you. If her things become more important than your things, there is inequity, and she is not the one. Love can’t thrive where inequity persists. If you are the only source of her happiness and fulfillment, if the world revolves around you alone it may feel good at first. However, it could be a sign that she is incapable of generating her own happiness and therefore, may not be the one. Besides, no human should be entirely responsible for another persons happiness. If she is jealous for no reason, she definitely is not the one. If she is attempting to change you in any way, if she is unsatisfied with something about you and is encouraging a different behavior…she is not the one. You need to accept each other exactly how you are in the moment. If you ever find yourself complaining about her to your close friends…she is not the one. I’m just scratching the surface here with signs she is not the one—but you should get the general idea. If something isn’t right in the beginning…it never gets better. In the beginning is when people are on their best behavior, from there the little problems become huge issues. Now I’ll talk about how you know she is, or might be, the one. Instead of fighting, if you are able to talk about your disagreements intellectually and sort it out without anyone getting angry…she might be the one. Do you feel like you can completely be yourself without any repercussion, if you actually feel like the person you are is enjoyed and celebrated—she might be the one. If you are happy when you are going to see her. If the prospect of spending time with her causes excitement rather than anxiety, she might be the one. Have you have been trustworthy, and as a result of that she trusts you implicitly—she might be the one. If you can admit your shortcomings to her with no fear of judgement, and accept her advice—she might be the one. If kindness, love, and compassion take priority over being right—she might be the one.. It’s really not a big mystery. The problem is that when guys are in mating mode they tend to overlook a lot of the small details that make a huge difference later on. When guys allow themselves to be governed by their biology rather than their intellect…things often end badly. Look every individual and every situation is a little bit different. There is no confirmed formula, there is no magic wand or specific, definite answer when it comes to matters of love and passion. What I can tell you for sure though is that there is a way to have integrity and be a good man regardless of the situation. Never compromise your personal morals. Do not be deceitful in your communication. Be realistic with your expectations and consistent in your behaviors. Be honest even when it hurts and never ever allow your identity to be diminished. Likewise, be respectful and encourage the identity of others. If you do not feel celebrated for who you are. If you don’t celebrate the person your with for who they are, then there is a good chance that you are not a match. In my opinion, if you find yourself asking the question; “Is she one”, then the answer is…no. If she is actually the one, then you wouldn’t be asking the question in the first place, because you would already know. It’s not rocket science, we all kind of know this stuff already, but our biology and our passion and our excitement gets in the way of our intellect and the next thing you know we’re stuck somewhere that’s kind of miserable. When we are miserable, we can’t be the best man that we are capable of being. That’s why I’m talking about this, not for you exactly today necessarily, but for you in the future as well. We all encounter these situations in life, and if we can think about them before we get there it can help with our decision making process. None of us get it perfect right off, life is a journey and we usually have to fail before we succeed. It is my intent, by talking to you about this stuff that some of the pitfalls of life can be be avoided, so you will have more ability to stay focused on the things that matter. Oh guys head out into the world and if you find yourself asking if she’s the one, remember that she probably isn’t. Also remember that if you are true to the man that you design yourself to be…the right one will show up when she is supposed to, and you will recognize her when she does, and that’s huge. In the meantime, all you have to do is keep on being a better man today than you were yesterday, and then keep on doing that every day. For those of you already happy in your relationships, I hope this episode serves as a validation of what your doing right. If not, then perhaps you need to re-evaluate where your at. Hey don’t forget to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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198 – Defining Definitions; nice guy vs. good man 12:13

8 years ago12:13

12:13

Defining Definitions, nice guy vs. good man… I have several things to talk about today, but before I jump into it, I’m going to recognize our amazing sponsors of the Friday episodes. The one and only, StumpTown Kilts. Stumptown Kilts has been our sponsor for around 6 months now. During that time several of you have answered the call and gotten your very own Stumptown kilt…but I know a lot more of you are thinking about it. I know you want one, so stop putting it off and head over to stumptownkilts.com and get one, you will be glad you did. It’s a win-win-win! You win because you get a superbly crafted, innovative, amazing kilt that everyone will notice and be envious of. I win, because by getting a kilt from our sponsor you are also supporting the show—and Stumptown Kilts wins because they get another ecstatic lifelong customer to ad to their growing list of happy kilt wearers. What could be better than a three-way win? So don’t wait, head over to stumptownkilts.com and pick out that kilt you have been thinking of since I first started talking about them. Once you have the kilt and all the accessories you want picked out, remember to enter the code: betterman, at checkout. When you do that you will receive 10% off your entire purchase. Do it today! Ok, in the last episode, number 197 called The Minutia Of Manhood , I hit a nerve with a few guys. I hit a nerve because I was talking in real plain english about the fact that when you don’t pay attention to the details of your life, the minutia, that you might be something other than a man. You might still be a boy. The thing is, it’s only tough to hear stuff like that if it’s true. I know I hit some of you where you live and it’s not comfortable. There was one guy who wrote into me about it. I won’t give his name because I don’t have his permission, but he wrote in and told me that episode pissed him off and made him angry…at himself. Sometimes when the truth hits you in the face you can’t duck, you can’t roll with the punch, you just have to take it and that’s what he did. I’m really proud of this guy because when confronted with the truth he stood up and owned it. He finished his letter by thanking me for giving him a walkup call. I wrote him back and gave him a little advice. It’s not an easy thing to suddenly change the way you have been all your life. It requires daily effort and daily focus. It’s also not that easy if you are surrounded by people who are not concerned with being better. I suggested that if his current friends are not interested in improving that he may want to spend less time with them and find like minded people to interact with. That saying that we are the sum total of the five people we spend the most time with is really true. So who we spend time with and interact with is really, really important. A few episodes ago I suggested that this show could be a means of connecting guys who are like-minded and interested in being better men. I asked for feedback from people who would be interested in that. I only got a couple guys who wrote and said that was something they would like to do, so I didn’t pursue it. However, I was able to connect this guy that wrote in, with another guy who responded to that suggestion a couple weeks ago. Now there are two like-minded guys that are connected. They will be able to communicate and help each other and be a support for one another in their common goal of being a better man. They will also increase that sum total of the five people they spend the most time with. I call it dual mentorship, and I believe it works because it’s been working since the dawn of time. So I’m putting it out there again…if you would like to connect with other guys who want to be better men, just write me and get on the list. Another thing that is on my mind today is something I read a couple days ago. It was this article that was supposed to be very forward thinking. I could tell by the way it was written that the woman writing it felt like she had nailed it, like she had discovered the secret of manhood. The title of the article was: “Nice Guy’s aren’t good men” written by a woman named Lisa Vallejos, PhD. It was basically a long list of examples showing the difference between a nice guy, and a good man. Here are a couple quotes from the article: “A nice guy will cloak his intentions and be unclear, while a good man will be upfront with his intentions and be very clear about his aim. The good man leaves no space for ambiguity.” “A nice guy will have loose boundaries and will bend over backwards just to seem nice. A good man has clear boundaries and, thus, earns the respect of the people around him.” To be clear—I don’t really disagree with anything she said on it’s own. Her descriptions of a good man were accurate and well thought out. What I have a problem with is the overall premise saying that if you are a good man…you can’t be a nice guy. Like the title says; that nice guys are not good men. With all due respect to her degree…I just have to disagree. I think where she is missing it is in her definition of a “nice guy.” Here are a few of her descriptions of a nice guy from the article: “A nice guy will tell a pretty lie to avoid the discomfort of telling an ugly truth.” And “A nice guy will do nice things with unspoken expectations attached.” And “A nice guy fears rejection and so he seeks validation.” And “A nice guy will blame others, circumstances, or fate for his lot in life.” When I read these descriptions, of which there are many more, I do not see a nice guy being described. What I see is a sad excuse for a male human. A spineless, self absorbed, candy-ass facsimile of a man who is pretending to be nice. The problem is…there isn’t anything nice about a guy like that. That’s why I feel like a truly good man, is by definition, an actual nice guy. He’s the real thing and not a pretend nice guy because a good man has a certain level of genuine care for those around him. Their safety and well being. Sure he might hurt feelings occasionally because he is being honest, but overall, that is a greater kindness to the people in his life than being a deceptive jerk, or what the author of the article would call a “Nice Guy”. By the way, I mean no disrespect to the author at all, I just happen to not agree with her entirely. Here is a link to the article so you can read it for yourself: ARTICLE . I did an entire show about this very topic back in episode 129, called “ Nice Guys Finish ”. You should listen to that if you haven’t. I would be interested to hear you views on this. Wether you agree with me or not I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. I think its important that the title nice guy and good man, are not mutually exclusive. I think we can be both. As you all know, my book Forging A Man is out in print and on kindle. If you have been listening to this podcast for any length of time you have probably heard a lot of the stories in the book. However, some of the early feedback I’m getting is that it’s different reading the story. It hits you different, like it attaches to a different part of your brain or something. Anyway, I would love it if all my listeners got a copy and shared it with people you know. Read it to your kids, or send it to someone you think could use it. There is a link below. Something else I have not talked about in a while is Patreon. If you are a listener of this show, if you keep coming back, then you must be getting some value out of it. My question for you is, if that is the case then why not support it. There are several ways of showing support for the show. You can buy a kilt from our sponsor, and you can also get my book. But if you aren’t a kilt kind of guy and you don’t like to read, you can also go to our Patreon page and pledge a monthly amount that is totally up to you. It can be as little as a dollar a month, but all these dollars add up and they also let me know that people are getting something out of the show. All of these links can be found below. Now head out into the world in your new kilt, and seek out like minded people to spend your time with. Don’t allow your sum total to be diminished by others. Also don’t be offended if someone says you are a nice guy, as long as you are also being a good man, or at the very least, a better man today than you were yesterday. Hey don’t forget to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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197 – The Minutia Of Manhood 11:49

8 years ago11:49

11:49

The Minutia Of Manhood… Hey every body. It is I, Alf Herigstad, back once again to talk with you about the minutia of manhood. Welcome to being a better man, I’m glad you are here with me. Ah…the minutia of manhood. It doesn’t sound very appealing when you say it like that. We men usually avoid minutia, I know I do. For those of you who don’t know, minutia is the tedious details of things. The little things that are no fun but, that must be done. For example, you may not realize that I am a home brewer. I do make some craft beers, but mostly I make mead, which is essentially wine made from honey. One of the oldest alcoholic beverages mankind ever made, and it’s what the Vikings drank. This is a hobby of mine that is a lot of fun. I get a lot of enjoyment out of it and I have experimented with all kinds of different flavors and techniques. I have made jalapeño mead, and coffee mead, strawberry and rhubarb mead. I love the creation process, and I love having people try it and see the surprise on their face. I love the science of it too, like how the yeast transforms honey and water into something amazing. There is a part of this process I don’t like though, and that is the minutia. The minutia of being a home brewer happens every time you want to put your new creation in bottles. I hate washing bottles, that is the minutia, but guess what? If I don’t wash the bottles then it will just sit there forever in these big glass fermenting vessels. The only way to taste it or share it would be to get a big straw and sit on the floor sucking it out…and that wouldn’t be any fun I don’t think. So, I wash bottles. I stand at the sink for a couple hours sterilizing and washing and I hate every second of it. Those bottles are not going to wash themselves, so I have no choice. Being a man is no different, being a man has minutia attached to it just like everything else does. I love being a man. I like being big and strong and being able to make things and grow a beard. I like being regarded as a man in society and most other things that go along with being a man. But then there is the minutia of being a man. I think the minutia of manhood is one of the things that separates boys from men. It is the hard things, the little things that require effort. Things like having responsibility, doing the right thing, admitting when you are wrong, taking care of your finances and your body and making sacrifices for the people around you. The boy will avoid most of these things and just keep on having fun pretending he is a man. While the man will confront these issues and handle them, even when he doesn’t want to. He will do that because he is a man, and he knows they will not handle themselves…just like my bottles won’t wash themselves. Very often I have seen young guys in relationships who choose not to deal with the minutia of their life. They just keep on doing whatever makes them happy in the moment instead. Guess what always happens? Someone else, usually the woman in the relationship is then forced to deal with the mans minutia that was left unattended. I find it so sad whenever I see this happening. You see women paying the bills and taking out the garbage and fixing things that are broken. In extreme cases you see women going to work while the so-called man sits around and plays video games, and then expects her to make dinner when she comes home. Do you think this woman, or anyone else that knows a guy like this has any level of admiration or respect for him? I highly doubt it. How could a woman respect a man like that when she is acting like more of a man than he is? Very much of what I talk about on this show is the minutia of manhood. The stuff that you have to do consciously, the little details of your life that ultimately make you a better man. The things that are not so fun, like acknowledging your faults…so that you can improve them. I talk about these things because they are the easiest things to not do, to avoid, to forget, or to just not think about until after the opportunity has passed. Here’s the thing though guys. The minutia does not have to be painful. It doesn’t have to be a chore unless we allow it to be. I say I hate washing bottles, and it’s true, in comparison to the other aspects of brewing it isn’t fun. But I’ve been washing my bottles for over ten years. I keep on doing it because I am focused on the reward, which is having a beautiful way to enjoy and share what I have made. As men we have to suck it up and do what we need to do as men so that we can enjoy the rewards of being a man. So that our families can be taken care of, our bills will be paid, all the things in our life including ourselves will be in good working order and most importantly…so that all of our relationships will be healthy, and happy. Not only that, but in our wake we will have left an example for the other boys and men around us. That is why the minutia of manhood is so important. Now head out into the world and pay attention to the details. Pay attention to the little things you do when no one else is watching. That’s the minutia, and that’s what will make you a better man today than you were yesterday. _______________________________________ As I was getting ready to launch my book, I gathered together a group of people who wanted to help out, I refer to them as the launch team. As a way of returning their kindness, I offered to promote their books and products or services here on the podcast. This is the first installment of that, and today I am featuring a man named Ole Jorgen Rodar. Ole lives in Norway and has a fascinating life. His experience as a lifetime outdoor enthusiast, a student of the old ways, and as an accomplished archer and martial artist, lend to his fantasy/fiction writing an air of authenticity and realism, as well as historical depth because of his intimate knowledge of the area and times he is writing about. His stories are full of unforgettable characters, epic battles, and great adventures that you will remember for a long time. You will read about the quests of hero’s, evil conspiracies, and ancient powers that will keep you riveted to the pages. I strongly encourage all my listeners who are fans of such manly tales as these to get his books. They are available both in print and on kindle. They are in english, but he does have some written in Norwegian as well. You can find them by typing the title in the Amazon search bar, or you can follow THIS LINK , there you will see all of his books. The last thing I ask that is very important, please leave a review for him on Amazon. Ole Rodar __________________________________________ Hey don’t forget to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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196 – You Don’t Learn Anything, When Your Lips Are Moving! 7:56

8 years ago7:56

7:56

You don’t learn anything, when your lips are moving! I spent the weekend with a very diverse group of fascinating people. People from different walks of life, different interests and hobbies, different ages and genders. As I was moving among these people having conversations about this or that it occurred to me several times just how interesting humans are. We are all the same animal, we are all human beings and yet, we are all so different in our own ways. We look different and talk different, we have different senses of humor. Every body has their own story and experience, their own history that is unique to them. When you multiply that by 7.4 billion people it becomes pretty remarkable that so much diversity could exist within a single species…but it does. While that may be obvious, it’s also easy to take for granted. When we are dealing with people we tend to be more concerned with how we are being perceived by them. We wonder what they are thinking about us. Many of us seldom seize the opportunity to listen and learn from the people around us. It doesn’t matter who the person is or what their background. There is usually something that can be learned from everyone, if we aren’t being obsessed with ourselves. I learned things this weekend from tiny children. I discovered some amazing things from other people who are a third of my age. I made it a point to try and learn something from every person I encountered—even the ones who didn’t say much. I listened to stories and asked questions and I came away a richer man for having taken that time. That’s why I’m talking about this today, because it is an important skill to develop as a man. The more we learn about other people, the better understanding we may have of ourselves. The more we learn about other people the better equipped we will be to navigate through a world that is full of them and the more skillful we will become in the areas of communication, understanding, and ultimately—being a better man. I’m going to discuss a couple techniques to keep in mind as you go through the world. Simple techniques that will help you learn as much as you can from the people you encounter on your path. The first thing I encourage you to do is to show a genuine interest in other people. without being nosey ask them about their self, their life, what they like and don’t like and things like that. Find something to compliment them about. People love to talk about their self and when someone else shows an interest in them it goes a long way toward that person being open to having a conversation. The second thing is more of a rule than a technique. No…it’s more of a law, like the law of gravity. This law is that it’s almost impossible to learn anything when your lips are moving. That is the case because when you are talking, you aren’t listening, and if you aren’t listening you probably aren’t learning anything. Listening and paying attention are skills that must be learned and they are skills that can constantly be improved. For many people in social situations they tend to talk out of nervousness, just to fill the space between them and another person with something other than silence. When they do that they are usually talking about themselves exclusively, which gives other people the impression that is the only thing you are interested in…yourself. It’s amazing though, how quickly people will begin talking if you show a genuine interest in them, and that is when you start learning stuff. You might be wondering how this could help you be a better man. The answer to that is very simply, it is another way of improving yourself. When you improve, when you learn, when you add knowledge and experience to your brain you are becoming better. You are becoming better because everything you learn will help you navigate through life more smoothly, as a more competent person. I think one of our jobs as a man is to learn as much as we can about everything. It helps you make decisions better because you have more data for comparative analysis. The more you learn about other people, the better understanding you will have of yourself, and of your impact in the world. If you develop a habit of paying attention to people and things around you you will increase in wisdom, confidence, and social intelligence. All of these things are really handy in a world with so many other people, each one of them a little different than you. There are so many interesting things to learn from our fellow human beings. You just never know. Someone could share something with you, or tell you a story that could change your life for the better somehow. The thing is, you’ll never know unless you give them the opportunity. Now head out into the world and remember that if your lips are moving you aren’t learning squat. Remember to listen, watch, and wonder at the things other people have to say. Show a genuine interest in others and not only will you learn more from them, you will also be more highly regarded by them as well. If you do these things you may find life more interesting, and you will also be a better man today than you were yesterday. Hey don’t forget to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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195 – The Difference Between Love & Lust 9:41

8 years ago9:41

9:41

Quick announcement before I get started, The eBook Kindle version of my book, Forging A Man, is now available on Amazon. The big part of that announcement is that it is still in the free promotion. So if you are listening to this episode between now and April 23rd, 2017—you can download the book for free! All I ask in return for the free book, is that you leave a review on Amazon. There is a link to download the book below The print book will be available in about a week if everything goes right and I’ll let you know when that happens. Well, it’s Friday. Now I’m going to take a moment to recognize the sponsor of our Friday show, StumpTown Kilts. Last weekend my wife and I went to a local event called Norway Days over at the fairgrounds. As I’m walking around I had three or four different people come up to me and compliment me on my kilt, which was of course…a StumpTown Kilt. Even people who are wearing other brands of kilts have complimented me on my kilt. So every time that happens I take a minute to show the people some of the features like the big hidden pocket, the adjustable sizes and the snap on pockets, and I tell them about the fact that I don’t have to iron it. Everyone who approaches me seems to want one, especially after I show them these things. One guy wouldn’t let me leave until I wrote down the information for him to get one. I’m used to it now. That is what life is like in a StumpTown Kilt. You get noticed and envied, and so does your kilt. Now the listeners of this podcast can get their very own kilt for a substantial discount. All you do is go to stumptownkilts.com and pick out your next kilt. Then, when you are checking out you enter the purchase code: betterman, all lower case, all one word, and you will receive 10% off your online purchase. It’s a great deal, so stop putting it off and go visit stumptownkilts.com today. _______________________________ OK, so I got a letter from a listener named Raiyan a couple days ago. This is what he said: “Hi Alf, I was wondering if you could talk about the role of love in men’s lives. I’ve personally been emotionally invested in relationships that weren’t there and I feel like this feeling is consuming my manhood and my life in general.” I think what Raiyan is talking about here is something that has happened to most of us at least once in our lives. You fall madly in love with someone to the point that it becomes unhealthy. It becomes all you think about, you stop eating regularly. You start making stupid decisions and acting in ways that are not customary to you. Sometimes your other real relationships start to suffer as a consequence of your single minded passion. You do all this only to find out that there is no relationship there at all. The other person does not feel the same way you do, and all of that emotional energy was just wasted. At the end of that it’s hard to feel very good about yourself. That happened to me once and after it was all over I felt like a fool, it was embarrassing. Here is what I think about this. If this scenario happens once or twice when you are a young guy, thats pretty normal. It happened to me when I was a teenager. I think it’s just one of the unfortunate effects our hormones can have on us, they can make us a little crazy. However, if this situation keeps happening over and over again. If it keeps going on into your adulthood and starts to have a negative impact on your life, consuming you—that’s not normal. Whenever we repeat a negative cycle that means we did not learn that lesson. In a healthy situation, something bad happens and we learn from that experience so that it can’t happen again. If you find yourself getting caught in the same thing over and over again the first thing you need to do is recognize that, and try to figure out what you are supposed to be learning. You have to think your way out of it with your enormous human brain power. You have to choose to end the cycle, or you will continue to be a victim of it. There is something else going on here too though. In his letter the listener referred to this emotion as “love”. I think there is a definition problem. This situation is not about love in my opinion. It is more about desire, passion, lust, and procreation as far as I’m concerned. These are all animal instincts left over from our distant past as a species. It’s something we share with every other species of animal on the planet, deep in our brainstem we have an impulse that tells us we need to mate. In the animal world it makes male animals almost kill themselves. They stop eating, they fight with every other male that comes around, and sometimes they even kill each other. These behaviors are not very useful as a human, in fact they are a problem. Love is something entirely different, and I believe it separates us from animals. After the initial infatuation is over, after you stop having butterflies in your stomach every time you see someone, that is when love happens in my opinion. Because that is when love becomes a choice. We have to choose to love people. I think love is a verb, an action word, because when you make a conscious choice to love someone you also need to demonstrate that love with kindness and thoughtfulness. You need to put that other persons needs above your own and make sacrifices, and do whatever you can to communicate this choice you have made to love them. See the difference? Our animal instincts that are often referred to as love are not really love at all. When they are in effect we have little control over it. We are not in charge because we are being ran by our instincts and hormones. However, when real love happens, it happens because we chose that it would. We are in charge of how we demonstrate, nurture, and grow that love. It is a conscious emotion, rather than a reaction to a primal impulse. I have heard people say many times that “You can’t help who you love”, as an excuse for people who find themselves in a bad situation or who made a bad relationship choice. I disagree with this statement entirely. Perhaps what they mean is that you can’t help who you are attracted to, I agree with that. But we can help what we do about that attraction. Just because we are attracted to someone does not mean it would be a good idea to pursue them as a relationship…there has to be more than just attraction to create an environment where true love can flourish. Thank you Raiyan for that question. If you need more specifics just email me again at: alf@beingbetter.men . Alright guys, head out into the weekend and remember that you are a man. As a man you have control of how you react to your impulses. We have the power to decide how we want our life to be, and then make it that way. While you are doing all that, remember to be a better man today, than you were yesterday. BIG NEWS! (added 04/18/18) The content from 193 episodes has yielded a product! Not every episode, but from the Wednesday stories I tell that have a lesson attached to them. It has been compiled into a book called, Forging A Man ~ A Collection Of True Tales, And The Lessons Wrought From Them. It will be available in both eBook and print form, the print copy will make a fine gift as well. Here is a link to my author page, if you only see one book, that means the print copy isn’t available yet, but it will be soon. Oh, and please remember to leave a review on Amazon, because that makes it more visible to potential readers. Thank you so much! (GET THE BOOK HERE) Please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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194 – Your Relationships, Are Your Fault! 11:27

8 years ago11:27

11:27

Your Relationships, Are Your Fault! You may have tuned in today expecting to hear a story. It would make sense, after all I have been telling stories on Wednesday for over a year now. I hope you aren’t too disappointed, but today I don’t have a story. I have not run out of stories entirely…but there is a finite supply of them, seeing as how I just have this one life and everything. So the stories may be a bit more sporadic going forward, because I don’t want to use them all up and not have any more to tell. The other reason there is no story today is because I honestly just have other things on my mind. You know what I mean…spring can do that to you. For me, when the seasons change I have to go through this period of adjustment. When spring comes and everything starts growing There are so many things I need to get done that I couldn’t do in the winter months. I have baby lambs now, there is a garden to plant, I still have wood to split and things to build…it can be a little overwhelming. So that is part of what is occupying my brain. On top of that, my book went live on amazon today, at least the eBook portion of it did. Thats right, you can go to Amazon right now and type in my name or the book title; Forging A Man, and it will pop right up. Just so you know, it’s going to be free for the next 5 days, from the 19th to the 23rd. After that it will be $3.99. I wanted to make it free for a few days so that all of you could download it and leave a review for me on Amazon. There is a link below to make it easy. Those Amazon reviews are really important because they determine how visible the book is to new readers, so I really appreciate you doing that in exchange for the free eBook. The print book will be out in about a week, I’m waiting to get the proof to look over before I unleash it onto the world. I’ll let you know when that one is available as well…and you really should have both of them anyway, and don’t forget they will make a great gift too. That kind of leads in to what I want to talk about today. You might be thinking I don’t have a topic…but I do. Getting this book finished is a monumental thing for me. It’s the culmination of a lifetime of not only living…but paying attention while I was living. My dad told me the other day that he remembers when I was in high school, and I wanted to write a book way back then. So it’s a big thing for me, but I didn’t do it alone. I have people. People who have stepped up to help me bring this thing to fruition. That’s really what I want to talk about is the people who have helped me, because I couldn’t do this alone. I couldn’t do any of this alone. You know how I’m always saying that our relationships are the most precious things we possess? Every day that I live proves that, because the relationships I have are what makes my life valuable enough to do anything. There are 19 people that agreed to be part of the launch team for the book. Throughout this process they have been giving me their insights and helping me edit. They encourage me and tell me when I’m on the right track and when I’m not, and now that it’s time to publish they are going to be helping me spread the word and write reviews and all that stuff that needs to be done. I’m not paying these people. They are doing it out of the goodness of their heart, because they believe in the books mission, and because of the relationship I have established with them. It’s really amazing, and I’m super grateful for each one of them. On the day to day front there is one person who is head and shoulders above the rest of the pack, and that’s my wife Lulie. You know before I release any episode, she listens to it first. She either gives me the green light, or she tells me that I might want to word something differently. She doesn’t tell me what to talk about or how, but She is always encouraging me to “be kind to my listeners”. What she means is that sometimes I might tend to be too graphic, or to explain things that really don’t need explanation, or I might say something that would needlessly offend someone because I’m not tuned into that. Fortunately, she has not needed to correct me too often, but it’s nice to know she has my back for those few times that I do need her help. She also did the final edit on the book, reading each word and correcting punctuation and typos. Being honest with me when something wasn’t phrased white right. Those are just some of the things she does, I could do two or three episodes if I talked about everything she does. She is truly a relationship in my life that adds real value to each day, and makes me want to be a better man. That’s a good thing…since I’m married to her and everything. Then there is my dad, my brother and sister, my kids and their kids. All my friends here at home and all over the world, and there is you—my listeners. I am truly a blessed man in the relationship department. I could go on and on but that would become redundant. The reason I’m talking about this is because like I said, it is living proof of what I always say, that our relationships are the most precious things we have. It’s also proof of something else I say, and that is what we focus on expands. I wouldn’t have all these relationships if I didn’t focus on them, if I didn’t hold them in high regard and treat them accordingly. Our relationships are a direct result of the care and effort we put into them. So if you are also blessed with great relationships that make your life better—it’s your fault, you can take the credit for that. Likewise, if you are unhappy with the quality of relationships you have—that is probably your fault as well. The reason this is all important to us as men, is because we were designed to be in relationship with other people. The human animal does much better and survives much longer in a group of other humans. So being good at having relationships is essentially a fundamental survival skill. I think this may be more important now then it has ever been before in human history. Because the age we live in is pretty easy, too easy. All of our basic needs are easily obtained and that leaves a lot of time for people to forget about whats really important. It’s really easy nowadays, to not be a good man. However, focusing on our relationships fills that void. Our relationships are the remedy, because if we are focused on all of our relationships, that means we are engaged in the heath and well being of those relationships. It means we are doing good things and having good thoughts for the people we care about. Can you see how the very act of doing that can make you a better man every day? That’s why it’s important. I have a measure of relationship with all of you listening, and I value that relationship very much as well. Some of you have written in and we have corresponded, or we interact on Facebook, so we have an even deeper relationship. I want you to all know that I’m available. If you have questions, or ideas or concerns I invite you to share them with me. Doing that will give me the opportunity to raise the level of relationship I have with you by getting to know you better. Just send me an email at: alf@beingbetter.men . That’s what was on my mind today, and that’s why I didn’t have a story. Instead I just needed to talk about the importance of relationships in the life of a man. Think about all of your relationships over the next few days and see if there isn’t something you could do to make them even better, or at least to let the people know you appreciate them. Whenever we take time for the people we care about, we are being a better man. BIG NEWS! (added 04/18/18) The content from 193 episodes has yielded a product! Not every episode, but from the Wednesday stories I tell that have a lesson attached to them. It has been compiled into a book called, Forging A Man ~ A Collection Of True Tales, And The Lessons Wrought From Them. It will be available in both eBook and print form, the print copy will make a fine gift as well. Here is a link to my author page, if you only see one book, that means the print copy isn’t available yet, but it will be soon. Oh, and please remember to leave a review on Amazon, because that makes it more visible to potential readers. Thank you so much! (GET THE BOOK HERE) Please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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193 – A Man In Modern Times 9:19

8 years ago9:19

9:19

A Man In Modern Times… I have a question for you today. Say you wake up in 2017 and you are a grown, human man. You walk outside and realize that there is nothing for you to kill, and there is plenty of food in your fridge. There is nobody that needs you to defend them right in the moment either. Everything seems to be going ok. You go to work, you come home, you go through all the same stuff you normally do in the course of a day. Again, you didn’t get in any fights for territory or possessions, you didn’t have to spill blood of any kind. At the end of the day you didn’t have to do anything that was necessarily ‘male’, you just lived your life like you do every day. My question is really a question someone asked me the other day. If you go through life without having to engage in traditional male activities…then what is it, exactly that defines you as a man? What if you are a stay at home dad? Your wife has a sweet job and it makes sense for you to stay home and take care of the kids, should that challenge your masculinity at all? I think a lot of guys get confused around these questions. That’s why so many guys act out with too much bravado and machismo because they are over compensating for a perceived lack of masculinity in other areas of their life. Other guys just become raging douche bag control freaks in their relationships because they need to feel in charge of something to validate their manhood. Then there are some guys that try to convince themselves they are a man by having sex as much as humanly possible with as many partners as they can find. It’s a problem, because a lot of guys nowadays are drifting into adulthood without having the slightest clue what being a man means. They have no example, no guidance, and the messages society is sending them is very confusing at times. The real question then, is what does define a modern human man? Even though most days we don’t have to fight or kill or defend our tribe, what is it in this modern life that makes us a man? The answer is surprisingly simple in my opinion, and it applies to every man wether he is a stay at home dad, or an Alaskan fisherman, or a pharmacist or a construction worker. The fact that we don’t have to kill things to live every day and defend our loved ones against threats is a huge advantage. Our ancestors couldn’t even dream of a life as easy as the ones we have. It’s easy to get confused by how easy it is…at times it might seem as though life takes very little effort at all and that is where a lot of guys tend to get off track because the rules about manhood seem gray, instead of black and white. Here is my answer to this question. It doesn’t matter what you do for a living. It doesn’t matter were you live or what your lifestyle is like. The bottom line is that you are a man and there are some fundamental things that go along with that, things that transcend whatever situation you may be in. As a man, you are in charge of yourself at all times. Not only yourself, but your immediate surroundings as well. You have a responsibility for the care and well being of the people that enter your personal manly realm. If you come across someone that needs help, you should help them because they are in your realm. If you see trash on the street, you should pick it up, because again, it is in your realm. Along with that comes your obligation to keep your personal affairs in order; your finances, your career, and your relationships. These things aren’t anyones job but yours, and if they aren’t going well, its your fault. As a modern man you also have a duty to yourself, to your physical fitness and health. If you are too fat or too weak or too sickly, then that becomes the grizzly bear you need to slay. Likewise, if your finances or your business life is spinning out of control then that is your opportunity to defend your tribe by taking care of business and doing the things you need to do. Another thing that will define you as a man in these modern times is your strength. Not just your physical strength, but your mental and emotional strength as well. This is achieved by making it a point to know who you are, and always striving to know yourself more. Correcting behaviors that need to be corrected and being focused on improving a little bit every day. When tragedy strikes you should be the strong one, offering support and comfort to those around you…the people in your realm. Do you see how if you become concerned with these few things I just mentioned that your manhood will not be ambiguous? Do you see how, by focusing on these things, at the end of the day you can be 100% secure in your place as a man in the world? It really isn’t complicated. Times have changed, conditions have improved dramatically, but the male animal is the same thing it was 5000 years ago. We have to adapt to this modern paradigm, we have to transfer our primal instincts to things that make sense. To things that will have a positive impact on our lives and the lives of those around us. Don’t get bogged down in stereotypes and restrictive gender roles, just be the best guy you can be everyday and try to be a little better man than you were yesterday. In the few examples I gave there is plenty to keep you busy, there is enough to challenge you every day. Now head out into the world and always be accountable for yourself. Have care for the people who enter your realm, have concern for the world around you. Constantly build on your physical, mental, and emotional strength and strive to be a little better man each day that you live. Focus on those things, and they will become what you are; a true man, a better man. Please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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192 – Fidelity…or the lack thereof 8:31

8 years ago8:31

8:31

FIDELITY…or the lack thereof As you know the launch of my book is imminent. It will be available before the end of this month of April. It’s called “Forging A Man” and it is a collection of stories that I have told on this very podcast, along with the lessons learned from them. Be watching out for it, because when I launch it will have a lower introductory price for about a week before it goes up, and I want to make sure the listeners of this program are able to take advantage of that lower cost. It will be available in both ebook and print form, but whichever one you get, I suggest you get an extra copy of the print book because it has a really cool cover, and it will make a great gift, so start thinking of who you want to give it to right now. This is Friday, and our Friday episodes are sponsored by the great people at Stump Town Kilts so I’m going to take a minute to talk about all the reasons you should be wearing one of your very own. I own three of these kilts myself, and just a couple days ago I was at an event where I ran into two other guys who were also wearing kilts. The three of us eventually would up in a conversation and we started talking about the kilts we were wearing because they each were made by a different manufacturer. I let both of them go first and when they were done I started showing them what makes Stumptown Kilts different. Then I showed them the huge hidden pocket and the snap on accessories. I opened it up and showed them how they are adjustable up to five sizes. What really got their attention was the material itself, and the fact that they are wash and wear…you don’t have to spend time ironing pleats, you just put it on and go. Needless to say, they were both amazed by the innovation and design of the kilt I was wearing. It made them feel like their kilt was a relic of the past and now they both want one. As a listener of this show you can have one of your own at a discounted price. Just go to stumptownkilts.com , pick out the kilt you want and when you are checking out enter the purchase code: betterman, all one word, all lower case, and you will receive 10% off your online purchase. You can’t beat that with a stick, so do it today. OK guys, today I want to talk about fidelity. We don’t hear that word too often in normal life. Much more often we hear the word infidelity—which describes the absence of fidelity. Almost without exception, whenever someone hears the words fidelity or infidelity the first thing they think of is loyalty within a sexual relationship. Certainly, these words apply to that and it’s a very important thing, but these words also apply to a wide range of other situations, and each one of them are critical if you are being a better man. Fidelity doesn’t just mean loyalty. It can also mean precision, faithfulness, accuracy, and meticulousness. It applies to every relationship you have, not just your intimate ones. For example I have a relationship with Stump Town Kilts that I mentioned earlier. They are my sponsor, and in that relationship I owe them fidelity. That’s why I tell everyone how great they are and do whatever I can to spread the word about their product. It’s also why I would not advocate any other brand of kilt. In another example, yesterday was my friend Dan’s birthday, so I called and talked to him for a while and told him happy birthday. It was a simple act, but it was an act of fidelity in our friendship. We have many different types of relationships, we have family, friend, work, business, and school relationships. You have some degree of relationship with every human you interact with. And every single relationship you have, comes with its own form of fidelity that is owed by you and the other person in that relationship. You don’t just owe fidelity to people either, you can also owe fidelity to an organization you are affiliated with or that you belong to, or the country you live in. All of these relationships you have come with an expectation of loyalty and faithfulness from you. An expectation that you will perform with precision according to those expectations. In turn, they owe you fidelity. The reason I’m talking about this is because many of us just go through life without thinking about it too much. We are all aware of the expectations in our various relationships, and most of us intend on acting correctly. However, if we aren’t actually thinking in terms of fidelity and the significance of it, it becomes much easier to fall short of our obligations. That is when infidelity occurs. I believe words have power. And if we think and speak of our role in the relationships we have in terms of fidelity, it suddenly takes on more significance and importance. It becomes more difficult to justify our lack of good behavior because now the word fidelity is in the way. Fidelity is one of those words that cannot be fudged around, you are either in fidelity or infidelity. It is for that reason that I encourage you to add that word to your regular vocabulary. Start thinking it and speaking it and your relationships will take on a new, higher level of significance. The reasons fidelity is important should be obvious, especially if we want to be better men. If we want to be the best husband, boyfriend, father, son, brother, employee, or boss we can be…then our fidelity is paramount. Our fidelity as a man is tied directly to our word, our honor, and our reputation. Now head out into the weekend and try applying the word fidelity to every interaction you have. As I’ve said many times before, our relationships are the most precious things we possess, and having fidelity is one of the best ways to preserve and strengthen those relationships, and it’s definitely another way to be a better man today, than we were yesterday. Please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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191 – The Saga Of Little Big Turkey 11:48

8 years ago11:48

11:48

The Saga Of Little Big Turkey… Every Wednesday I regal you with a story from somewhere in my unusual and interesting life. It could be funny, sad, serious or disturbing, the important thing is that every story has a lesson. The name of today’s story is; The Saga Of Little Big Turkey. Even though these are my stories, you can apply these lessons to your own life. Or perhaps they will remind you of your own similar story and the lessons you learned from it. Either way, you should be entertained. As you listen, I really want you to consider your own stories. When did you learn these lessons? Can you remember? Sometimes digging up your own past can have great benefit, especially if you are made to remember that one singular moment in time when you learned something vital. It’s almost like learning it all over again. That…is the purpose of these stories. In fact, I think there is nothing quite so human as the hearing and telling of stories. It’s how our ancestors conveyed critical information from one generation to the next. The stories told around campfires the world over are what eventually shaped our species into what it is today. Today’s story, called The Saga Og Little Big Turkey, is really about confidence and attitude, and how we can use them to our advantage if used with a measure of intelligence, reason, and compassion. As usual, I would love to hear your feedback on this, or any of the other episodes. Your feedback and input is greatly appreciated. Please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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220 – Your Life, Your Legacy, Your Responsibility. 9:26

8 years ago9:26

9:26

Your Life, Your Legacy, Your Responsibility… From time to time I talk about legacy on this show—and today is one of those days. If a man becomes mindful of his legacy every day then being a better man becomes second nature. It happens without even thinking about it. I’m thinking about this today because of the weekend I just had. I just got back from a camping trip with my family, which is why I am posting this so late on Monday…because I wasn’t home. On this camping trip there was myself, my wife, four of my grand children, my nephew, my son-in-law, and my 81 year old father. There were nine of us all together. We went to a camp site up on Chinook Pass in Washington State, on the white river. It was a great, relaxing time for everyone, we had great food, we panned for gold and went fishing, we played in the freezing cold river and found interesting things and played games around the camp fire. I helped my dad walk across the river, and stopped with him when he needed to rest. We told stories, and laughed, and shared experiences. I brought knives for the kids to whittle wood with and I made the best pancakes I have ever eaten. All of that was wonderful, and fun, but these are not the most important things that happened. Behind and in between all of this the important things that happened this weekend are that memories were made that will last a lifetime. Bonds of relationship were forged and strengthened. We all learned new things about ourselves, and about each other. We learned about how we all fit together as a family. These are priceless things, precious, valuable things. These are vital components that are required in order to create a legacy that will endure and be of some benefit to the generations that follow you. I have been mindful of my legacy for several years now, it has become a habit. In everything I do I consider what impact it will have on my descendants. When I make something, I imagine what some future grandchild I have never met will feel when they hold it. How will they feel when they hold it and know it was made with my hands, from my imagination. When I record podcasts, I imagine my future descendants are going to listen to it and I want it to be helpful to them. Not just because of the content, but because it will give them insight into their own self, because they came from me. I think a persons identity is subconsciously influenced by knowing where and who they came from. I have a responsibility to give my descendants something good to hang onto. The same is true of what I write. I often imagine some distant member of my progeny 100 years in the future picking up my book, Forging A Man, going through the stories and discovering new parts of themselves in the pages. Then I imagine them being improved as a result of that discovery. I believe that being concerned with legacy has made me a better man, because it elevates and illuminates the purpose of my life on a daily basis. I believe this is how our species improves and grows over time. Each new generation using the legacy left for them by prior generations as handholds, to pull themselves up with. Then each new generation can build upon that legacy and create new legacies for their own progeny. I am compelled to talk about legacy on this show from time to time because I know that many people simply do not think about it at all. Or, they think it’s only something for old men to be concerned with. I could not disagree more with that. I started thinking about it in my late teens. That’s unusual I admit, but either I’m just wired that way or it was because I was grateful and aware of the legacy that was left for me. To me it showed up like an obligation for a man, to leave a good legacy for his descendants. I felt I could never be a good man if I didn’t start thinking about it, over time it became a habit. I realize that some of you listening were left no legacy at all. Or, you were left a dark, negative legacy. That is extremely unfortunate, but each of us must play the cards we are dealt. This message is especially critical for those of you that were dealt a bad legacy hand. You can break that entire cycle right now, today, simply by changing the way you view yourself and the world and by becoming concerned on a daily basis with the legacy you are creating. In that regard it’s the same for everyone. There are people who received a great legacy from their ancestors, and they squandered it, not appreciating it, not using it as an example or building upon it…they wasted it. Then there are people who received nothing but grief from their ancestors who went on to build fantastic, rich legacies from nothing but their own intention. So regardless of who you are, or of what circumstances. Regardless of what legacy was left for you. You all have the same opportunity to be mindful of the legacy you are creating. That opportunity is always happening during each moment that you are alive, today, right now. Wether you are 16 or 60, if you are listening to this then I encourage you to consider your legacy in everything that you do. It does not only benefit the generations that will follow you, it benefits you as well. By considering how you will be remembered. By imagining the stories that will be told of your deeds after you are gone. You are provided with something special. You are provided with a unique, objective perspective of yourself that is difficult to see if you are not thinking of it in that way. With this unique perspective you are able to make improvements and correct inadequacies that you might not otherwise be able to see. Now head out into the world and be mindful of the legacy you are creating in each moment that you are alive. What are you leaving behind, what are you passing on, what stories will be told of your life? In doing so, you will be able to see what needs improvement, what needs to be fixed and corrected. You won’t only be dealing your descendants a better hand—at the same time, you will also become a better man than you were yesterday. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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219 – Who Are You, in your relationships? 9:26

8 years ago9:26

9:26

Who are you…In your relationships? Today I’m going to talk a little bit about your individual role in the lives of people around you. Who exactly are you to these people? I’m always saying that our relationships are the most valuable things we possess, and today I’m going to get a little deeper into that topic. Before I do that though, I’m going to take a minute and mention the sponsor of today’s episode; StumpTown Kilts. Right now we are entering premier kilt wearing weather, summer is upon us and there will be barbecues, and parties and get-togethers. There are fairs and carnivals and parades coming up. There will be family reunions and weddings, camp outs and fishing trips. Summer is the time all of these things happen with great frequency, and each one of these events are the perfect time to show up wearing your beautiful and extremely manly, StumpTown Kilt. If you want to make a statement of confidence without uttering a word. If you would like to be noticed without doing anything special and be comfortable doing it—just show up in your kilt. Each StumpTown Kilt is expertly crafted out of the best materials with you in mind. The come in a wide range of colors and there is a selection of accessories you can get as well. As a listener of this show you can get a substantial discount by going to there website at: stumptownkilts.com then as you are checking out, enter the code: betterman, all lower case, all one word, and you will receive 10% off your entire purchase. Summer is here, so don’t wait, head over to stumptownkilts.com today. Ok, so each one of us have relationships with other people. We are sons and brothers, fathers, husbands, boyfriends and co-workers. We are friends, uncles, nephews, and neighbors, and we are customers, employee’s and supervisors. Every time you interact with another human some degree of relationship is established. It may be very slight in passing, or it may be profound and deep, but all of these interactions together make up the entire spectrum of your relationships. All of these relationships from the seemingly insignificant to the profound are important. They are, as I have said many times, the most valuable things you possess. The quality of your life, the level of happiness, joy and prosperity you experience on earth is a direct reflection of the quality of your relationships. It’s just how we were designed as humans. We are pack animals, we were never intended to be solitary. This has been proven throughout history because people who have tried to exist alone without a tribe around them inevitably go crazy, and ultimately die. As a man you have a role in each of these relationships. You have an obligation to fulfill that role. Whenever you successfully fulfill your relationship duties you are elevated as a man, along with the quality of that relationship. How you carry out the function of relationship is a direct reflection on exactly what kind of man you are. If you become confused about what your role in a relationship should be try putting yourself in the others persons shoes. Ask yourself the questions; Who am I to this person? Who should I be to this person? You will find that there is almost always room for improvement, there is always something you can do to improve any relationship if we are focused on doing that. For example; Who are you to your friends? Are you someone they trust and respect? Someone they look up to and confide in? Are you a leader or a follower? Knowing yourself is one thing, but knowing who you are to others is something else. Are you anyone’s hero? Are you a mentor, do you make other people laugh, do you make them feel safe? Knowing how you are perceived by others is an extremely valuable tool when it comes to improving yourself. It provides an extra layer of objectivity that allows you to view yourself from different angles, and improve the areas you see a deficit in. As I said earlier, every human interaction you have establishes some degree of relationship. Even to the stranger on the street. How are you perceived by strangers? Are you kind, polite, hospitable? Or, are you rude and dismissive? Sometimes on rare occasions, even if we are doing everything we can in a relationship, the other person may not be perceiving us in the way we think they should. It’s confusing when that happens, but some people are like that. If you are able to have a talk with that person you might be able to work things out. Or, maybe that person isn’t the right person for you to be in relationship with. There are lots of broken people out there who did not get the memo about how valuable relationships are. This is when knowing yourself well comes in real handy. If you know you are fulfilling your role in a relationship in spite of how it is received by the other person. You don’t have to take it personally. At that point it becomes their problem and you can go on with your life without them if you choose to. In most cases you will find that people respond very well to your efforts. When you do something intentionally to improve a relationship most people respond positively. They notice and appreciate your efforts, the relationship is fortified and strengthened. Life itself is improved for both of you as a result. These things apply across the board from the most intimate romantic relationships and the family relationships, to the more mundane work, and social relationships. Being mindful of who you are in each of these relationships will give you the opportunity to improve them. Now head out into the world and ask yourself who you are, what role you play to everyone you encounter. Consider how you can improve these relationships because they truly are the most valuable thing you possess. If you do that your life will be better, you will be happier, and you will have become a better man than you were yesterday. I would love to hear your thoughts about this episode. You can share your insights on our Facebook page, you can comment directly in the field below, and you can also email me directly at: alf@beingbetter.men . Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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218 – Seasons Of Change, You Are In Charge 7:49

8 years ago7:49

7:49

Seasons Of Change, You Are In Charge… Summertime is upon us. This fact is more evident in some places than others; Phoenix was 119 degrees yesterday and Seattle was 75. On the other side of the world in the Southern hemisphere they are heading into winter, but all over the earth people are experiencing the change of a season in one way or another. Yesterday, June 20th, was actually the summer solstice, the longest day of the year if you are in the Northern hemisphere. Now every day will get slightly shorter than the day before until we arrive at the shortest day of the year, which is in December. As humans we don’t think about seasons in the same way we used to. Our lives aren’t as affected by the weather and temperatures as they used to be. I believe however, that season changes are a natural time for us still, to take stock of our lives. To take a look at the path we are on and make the necessary adjustments. For our ancient ancestors the seasons and the weather were one of the biggest considerations they had. When the summer solstice came along it was a huge reminder for them to tend their crops, to do everything necessary to ensure a good harvest. They had to make sure they had enough fuel and food because the days were getting shorter and that meant winter was coming. With the winter came darkness and cold, sometimes death and starvation. The fact that you exist today is proof that your ancestors did a good job, they survived so that you can live. Nowadays we barely notice the changes from one season to the next because we continue to eat and live the same way all year around. That doesn’t mean the seasons are not still significant…it only means our perception of them has changed. I am suggesting that as men we can still use the seasons to galvanize our action, to focus our efforts and attention onto the things that matter. For example, now summer is here. What are your plans for the summer? What do you want to accomplish before Autumn gets here? How will you make the best use of your time in the next three months? It’s a great time to take a minute and reflect on your life. Get a piece of paper and write down what your summer goals are. Then write down how you plan to accomplish them. Use this summer season as a tool, a device to accomplish some positive things in your life. Every day when you look outside you will be reminded that it is summer, and then you will remember that you have summer goals. You can do the same thing for every season; fall, winter, and spring. It’s a very natural thing to do because it is the way our species developed. Your summer time goals may be more inclined toward outdoor activities, while your wintertime goals might be more cerebral, and carried out indoors. It might be a little tougher if you live somewhere like San Diego where it is basically summer all year around. The idea though, is not just to be influenced by the weather and changing seasons, but to break the year up into parts that are more easily managed. The seasons are just an effective way to mark these breaks. Can you see how it might be beneficial to sit down four times a year and make plans and goals for the next three months? Do you understand that if you were to do that, that you will maintain more control of your life. You will stay on top of things, nothing will slip by you, and you will be living an intentional life. So that is my suggestion. Use the four seasons of the year as a time for life planning. Write it down, because when you write things down they become more real. I need to do this better myself. I always make plans for the upcoming season, but I try to keep it all in my head. I need to get better at writing these things down because it will increase the chances of my success, and it will for you too. The reason this is all relevant to Being A Better Man, is because the more control and influence we have on our own lives, the better our lives will be. If our lives are becoming better, then we must also be becoming better men along the way. Better men then we were yesterday. So try it out, what do you have to lose? Sit down and make some goals for this summer. Decide what you want to accomplish and what you want to improve. Then develop a plan to reach these goals and write that down too. Remember to check out the links on this page, below. There is a link there called Patreon , on the Patreon page there is a video I made you can watch. Basically, Patreon makes it possible for you to become a Patron of the show. In other words, if you listen regularly, if you believe in the mission and the message of the show and think it should continue, then you can become a patron by pledging a monthly amount. It doesn’t have to be a large amount, it’s up to you how much you pledge. Whatever you do helps keep this show on the air and it lets me know we are having an impact out in the world, so please consider that. There is also a link directly to my book, Forging A Man, if you have not gotten your copy yet, I highly recommend that you do so. Now head out into the world and take some time to plan your life. Write down what you want to do and accomplish in the next three months, and then put that plan into action. By living your life intentionally, on purpose, you will also be a better man than you were yesterday. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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217 – What If…You Have A Terrible Father? 9:12

8 years ago9:12

9:12

What If…You Have A terrible Father? This is the 217th episode of Being A Better Man and I got to thinking that I may not have ever explained why I do the show in the way that I do. Basically, I am making the kind of podcast that I would like to listen to. There isn’t a lot of small talk, there isn’t a lot of music or other production type things. When I tune into a podcast I personally don’t like it when there is a lot of jibber jabber…I like it when they get right to the point and talk about whatever the topic is. So, that’s how I make Being A Better Man. As a result, these episodes are shorter, but I think I usually say more in 15 minutes than many podcast do in 45. I respect your time, and I don’t want to waste it. I’m not saying this is either right or wrong…it’s just how I do it, and now you know why. Yesterday was Father’s day in America and people everywhere were celebrating their dads. Many of you who are father’s were celebrated too, and I think that is a great thing. Fatherhood is something worthy of celebration and recognition. There is something else I think about whenever Father’s day rolls around though. I was fortunate to have a fantastic father, but I can’t help but think about all the people who did not have great dads. Guys who didn’t even know their fathers. People who’s father died when they were young. People who have mean or abusive fathers. Fathers in prison, or fathers who abandoned them. I think about all these people on father’s day, because it must be kind of rough for them. I try to put myself in the shoes of a person who has a father that is not worthy of celebration. What is it like when the rest of the country and everyone on social media is talking about what a great dad they have. I try to imagine what that must be like—but I can’t, not really, because that is not my experience. This episode is dedicated to everyone out there in this situation though. I want you to know that you are not forgotten. It’s not fun to talk about, but the fact is that there are a lot of crappy father’s out there. I personally know several men who have grown up without the benefit of a good father. It’s a real problem, it is definitely a handicap. I applaud all the single moms out there who are doing their very best to take up the slack. It’s tough though, it’s a tough deal all around. The good news is that it is not the end of the world. Like any other situation, you have choices. You may be lacking the example a good father can provide, but you can still choose to prevail and excel in spite of that situation. I know this is true because I have seen men do it. There are many things you can do, one of those things is to adopt a father. By that I mean be on the lookout for an older man that you respect and look up to. Become his friend, allow him to mentor you. Study his examples and ask him questions and use him as a resource. There might be some men that are not interested in being anyones mentor, but I believe the majority of good men would be flattered and appreciate the opportunity to pass along what they have learned in life to someone willing to listen. Another thing you can do is reject the impulse to be defined by your adversity. Instead use the adversity and the emotional energy caused by it in a positive way. Decide to be the best man you possibly can because you had a terrible father or an absent father. It’s possible to take the injustices you have suffered in your life and use them as fuel, as motivation to be the opposite of that injustice, to achieve excellence in spite of these things. Of course it’s easier said than done, there are many different degrees of damage having no father or a bad father can cause. Some people may need therapy to work things out and I strongly encourage that, especially if you feel like you can’t rise above it on your own. You need to do whatever you need to do in order to be the best man that you can. I know it is possible though, because other men have done it. Another thing I recommend that I have seen happen with my own two eyes, is to learn everything you can about fatherhood. This might help you understand your own situation a bit better, but also do this in preparation for when you have children of your own, to be everything that your father wasn’t. I think the best thing a person who survived a bad father experience can do, is become the best father they can be to their own children. When you do that, you win. You break the cycle and render all the bad acts and injustices suffered by you into something irrelevant. You have turned something negative into something positive, and the evidence of that exists in your own children. That is a victory of the highest order. There is one thing that I will strongly caution you against. In my opinion the worst thing you can do if you were a man raised without a father or with a bad one, is to use that as an excuse for your own bad behavior. If you do that, you have lost the battle. You will have become a victim of your situation, and of your own choices. Once you become a man you can no longer use someone else’s actions as an excuse for your own, it doesn’t wash. As far as father’s day goes. I would suggest you try and be happy for all your friends that have great fathers, even if you didn’t. Be happy for them and take some comfort in the proof it provides that all men are not like your father, and all children do not have to go through what you did. Also, cling to this evidence because it is also proof that with effort and focus, you can also be a great father in spite of whatever you have gone through. Now head out into the world and regardless if you had a great father or no father at all, know that the only person responsible for what you become, is you. Know that with effort and focus you can be a better man today than you were yesterday. If you keep doing that every day, you will become the best man you are capable of being, and the world will be a slightly better place because of it. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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216 – Why A Man Should Never Be Bored 11:08

8 years ago11:08

11:08

Why A Man Should Never Be Bored… You may have noticed that there was no episode two days ago on Wednesday. The summers are intense up here on the farm and they are very high impact. For the rest of the summer months I may occasionally miss an episode here or there because there aren’t always enough hours in the day, but if I do, it will likely be the Wednesday episode. I will not miss the Friday episodes for sure and hopefully not the Monday ones, just giving you a heads up. You know, missing this episode has caused me to ponder matters of time. Time is an issue for everyone, and how we fill our time is critical. How we manage our time is of equal importance. So here I am, with not enough hours in the day. I literally can stay busy doing stuff from when I wake up until I go to bed—so I would say I’m on one end of the extreme. On the other end of the extreme are guys that run out of stuff to do. You do all the regular stuff like eat, sleep, go to work, and go to the bathroom, but then you run out of things to do. It’s hard for me to imagine, but you get bored with life. You sit there without any meaningful activity to fill your time, so instead you allow your mind to be sucked out by TV or video games. In between these two extremes are where most people will fall in various combinations. I personally think that one of the worst things a man can do is be bored, because that is when bad stuff happens. I’m going to talk about that today, but first I will take a minute to talk about the superstars of our Friday episodes, out sponsor, StumpTown Kilts. I spent all last weekend outside on our place building things and doing chores and stuff like that. Luckily for me, I was wearing a StumpTown Kilt. I say I was lucky because it is the perfect garment for doing multiple tasks. They have that huge hidden pocket in the front so I can anticipate all the tools and fittings and other things I might need and put them in there. That way I never had to walk all the way back to my shop because I didn’t have what I needed. That is just one small example of the kilt lifestyle. This coming weekend I will be hosting a big get together and I will be wearing my kilt simply because it looks and feels awesome. The quality of craftsmanship and design are unequalled with StumpTown Kilts no matter what you are doing. That’s why they are a sponsor of this show. Right now listeners of Being A Better Man can get 10% off their online purchase by entering the code: betterman, at checkout. all one word, all lower case. To get to their website, just type in stumptownkilts.com . Once there pick out the exact color and combination of accessories you want and then enter the code: betterman. Before the break for our sponsor I made the statement that I think one of the worst things a man can do, is get bored. I have thought this for a very long time. When my kids were little they weren’t allowed to be bored. I simply did not allow it. They quickly learned that if they complained about being bored that I would find something for them to do. More than that though—I like to think they also learned that there is never a good reason to become bored in the first place. Like I said earlier, when you get bored is when bad things happen. It’s when we start to fill our time with activities or people that are not especially good for us. When people get bored they drink too much or experiment with drugs, or engage in other risky behavior, because they are subconsciously looking for a way to not be bored. Being bored is not a natural state for a human to exist in. My dog gets bored from time to time, you can see it on her face. Cow’s get bored, cat’s can get bored too…but it isn’t for humans to do. The thing is, if you happen to get bored there isn’t any valid excuse for it. It’s entirely your own fault. At the start of this show I said there were two critical things; how we fill our time, and how we manage our time. Well, who is in charge of filling your time when you are not at work? Unless you are incarcerated or serving overseas in a war, the answer is, YOU. As a man in the world, you are in charge of what you do and where you go. You are completely in control for the activities in your day…or lack thereof. “But Alf, I live on the 7th floor of an apartment in the city and there just isn’t anything to do except play video games or watch TV.” If you are thinking something similar to that I’m sorry, but it’s just a lazy, lame excuse in my opinion. We are all given the exact same 24 hours every day. When you run out of things to do it is a mans obligation to invent something to do. Or, look at it this way, our lives are measured in time. The passage of one moment, hour, or day to the next, is literally what our life is made of—that is our life. So, to allow yourself to become bored with your day is the same thing as being bored with being alive, and that to me is unacceptable. Especially in these times we live in, when everything, all the knowledge in the universe is at your fingertips. All you have to do is access it, and change your life. You can learn a new language, you can learn about other countries and people, you can learn how to make a forge out of a brake drum or literally anything else you want to learn. It’s right there, waiting for you to learn it. How can you become bored when all that fascinating knowledge is waiting for you to cram it into your head? If nothing else, you can always just go look in the mirror and decide how you are going to make yourself a better man today than you were yesterday. Then, go do that. There is always something to do and there is never a good reason to be bored. I can’t tell you how to fill your time, and I shouldn’t because that is your right as a man. I can give you tips for managing your time but ultimately, that’s all up to you as well. Ultimately it’s all up to you, whatever happens good or bad is your fault. My suggestion is, to come in on the good side, because life will be a lot more pleasant. Now head out into the world and remember that historically, a man is and has always been, a person that does things. If you aren’t doing things, or run out of things to do, that is your signal to get up and fulfill your manly obligation by finding something to do. When you feel boredom setting in, that means break time is over and it’s time to resume the task of being a man. If you do this, life will take on more meaning. Your life will have more purpose, and you will be a better man today than you were yesterday. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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215 – Work Like A Man 11:37

8 years ago11:37

11:37

Work Like A Man… Hey Everybody. Welcome to Being A Better Man, I am your host and my name is Alf Herigstad. We are not trying to change the world here…we are just trying to change your world, one day at a time. The whole idea is that if we can get a bunch of guys to commit to just being a better man today than they were yesterday—then the world will be a slightly better place. You don’t have to be great, you don’t even have to be good…you only have to be better than you were yesterday. I think everybody can do that. Anyways, I’m glad you are listening today. In these past 214 episode I don’t think I have ever dedicated an episode to sheer, old fashioned manual labor. I’m a little surprised by that because manual labor has been such a big part of my life. In fact I spent all day today doing just that here on our farm. My definition of manual labor is when you are doing something physical, it becomes uncomfortable, and you keep on doing it until you finish the task you set out to do. Correct me if I’m wrong, please…but it seems to me like there are a lot of guys nowadays that spend a lot of energy trying to avoid manual labor at all costs. Yes, I’m speaking to the younger crowd today primarily, guys that are 40 and younger. Believe it or not, there are a lot of guys that actually do not know how to work hard. It sounds weird to say it, but it’s true. Working hard at a physical task is actually a skill that must be learned. I’m not talking to guys that are physically disabled, or handicapped in any way. You guys already know what it’s like to work hard because you do it every day of your lives. I’m talking to everyone else. Life is so easy in these modern times, and people are trained that when something becomes hard or uncomfortable, it’s time to stop. I’m talking about part of your body starts hurting, or you start sweating, or you get tired. When these things happen a lot of guys just stop working, because that is what life has trained them to do. I know what I’m talking about because I have seen it first hand. I was a fencing contractor for a number of years and the hardest thing I had to deal with was finding good people to work for me. It’s hard work, building fences. You have to dig a lot of holes and carry lots of heavy stuff. You have to move big wheelbarrows full of concrete. Finding guys that could do this all day with me, was my biggest challenge. I tried hiring the biggest most strapping guys I could, but it didn’t matter. No matter how big and strong they were, the fact was they didn’t know how to work hard. I’m a big guy myself at 6’2”, 250 pounds, and I have had guys bigger than me and a lot younger that could not drive a wheelbarrow full of cement. I had to take over for them. I had to do the job I hired them to do because they simply didn’t know how to work. It was frustrating, but now I’m looking at it through a whole different lens. I didn’t understand it back then but now I’m starting to realize that there are a lot of guys who, through no fault of their own, have simply not had the opportunity or occasion to learn how to actually work hard. To work until it hurts. I’m not just talking about working at a job, it could be working in your own back yard or helping a neighbor. You might be listening to this and think it doesn’t apply to you because you are a white color professional, or plan to be. Maybe you were raised in a culture that said working hard was for those poor stiffs that couldn’t do anything else. I have news for you…that is not an accurate point of view. I think as a species, we developed in such a way that when we actually spend a day working hard, working past the point of discomfort and working through pain. When we spend a day accomplishing something with the strength of our bodies we are rewarded with a unique sense of satisfaction that cannot come from any other source. It releases endorphins that make you feel awesome. I think, a special kind of endorphin you can’t get anywhere else. I have had some hellasish days in my life. Days where I wore the skin off of my hands until they were bleeding and I was on the verge of passing out from fatigue. Day’s where I vomited from the strain and then kept on working. I did it though, and I survived. I kept on living and I believe I am a better man for having that experience. The reason I think this is important for guys who want to be better men is because having the skill to work hard when you need to, is vital. You won’t have this skill unless you develop it. I think it is one of those things that are uniquely masculine. To engage in some physical act, to work through pain and discomfort without complaining…that’s manly, period. I’ll tell you a little story, I was on a fence job one time. It was a pretty big residential wood fence and we had to also tear down the old fence. I had like four guys working for me that day and we were busting ass to try and get the old fence tore down and all the new posts set. If we didn’t get them all set then that would add a whole other day to the job, and throw all the upcoming jobs off by one day as well. It was a hot day in the summertime. About 2:00 we were about 2/3 done and one of the guys came up to me and said, “Hey Alf, I ran out of gas. I called someone to come and pick me up, sorry man.” I couldn’t believe it. It made me so angry I couldn’t even look at this guy after that. To this day when I think of him I don’t think of him as a man. I think of him as a half man. Every single one of us were tired and sore and hot and tired of working that day, but he just quit. He quit on all of us which meant we would have to work that much longer to get the job done. There was another job I was on where my 75 year old dad came out to help, and he outworked all the 20 somethings I had working for me at the time—it was embarrassing. I’m sure there are guys listening that know how to work like a man, good for you, I’m glad you have that skill. I’m also sure there are guys listening that have never learned how, either because they never had an example or they never had an opportunity. My recommendation, is that if you have never spent a day toiling in pain and discomfort and kept working anyways. If you have never gone beyond your physical limits in order to finish something. Then that is what you need to do. You need to find a way, or invent a way, or something. F ind some way to test yourself physically. You need to find an opportunity where you can push yourself beyond your usual limits. If you do this, you will be rewarded with a huge sense of self satisfaction and pride in what you have done. It will make you a better man. That’s all I got for today guys. Hey if you get something out of this show I ask that you go to my Patreon page and check it out. It will give you an opportunity to support the show and the message, by pledging as little or as much as you want each month. You don’t have to go crazy, every little bit helps. There is a link to it below. Hey thanks for tuning in today, I really appreciate it. Now go out there into the big world and find some way to work hard. After you do that there will be no doubt that you are a better man today than you were yesterday. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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214 – “So Called” Women’s Issues 15:19

8 years ago15:19

15:19

“So Called” Women’s Issues… So, I listened to a Ted Talk a couple days ago and it really got me to thinking, it’s the kind of stuff that every man needs to hear. I’m going to be talking about that here in a minute, but first I’m going to talk about the sponsor of todays program, Stump Town Kilts. When I first started this podcast almost a year and a half ago I decided that if I ever had a sponsor that I wanted it to be Stumptown kilts. There are lots of things I could try to sell you here, but I wanted to have a sponsor that I was familiar with, that I could stand behind and represent with a clear conscience. I wanted a sponsor that I could feel confident about when I recommended them to my listeners. Well, Stumptown kilts fit every one of those criteria, and they were gracious enough to agree to become a sponsor of this show. I have been a customer of Stump Town for several years. They make the only kilts I will ever buy now. Part of the reason for that, is the fact that they design these kilts with the people wearing them in mind. They are durable and washable, I don’t have to iron them, they are adjustable to five sizes and I really, really appreciate the precision with which every kilt is made. They come in a wide range of colors and they have different snap on pockets and stuff too. Do yourself a favor. Go to their website; stumptownkilts.com and look for yourself. Hope around a little and when you get ready to buy one enter the code: betterman, at checkout. All one word, all lower case. When you do that you will receive 10% off your online purchase, and you will let them know you heard about it right here. You will be thrilled with your new kilt. Now before I dive into today’s topic, there is one other thing I want to tell you about as well. As I was getting ready to launch my book, Forging A Man, I gathered together a group of people who wanted to help out, I referred to them as the launch team. As a way of returning their kindness, I offered to promote their books and products or services here on the podcast. This is the second installment of that, and today I am featuring a woman named Marilyn Murch. Marilyn is a personal friend of mine and she is also an artist. She is a sculptor, and painter. She works with steel and other mediums as well. Now—she is also an author herself. Marilyn specializes in books for children, combining the art of story telling with her own illustrations. What I like about Marilyn’s books aside from the fact that she illustrated them herself, is the way they are told. They are written about animals—pets, and they are written from the animals point of view. Besides being entertaining for a child and igniting their imagination I think it’s important for kids to learn the lesson that animals are creatures…like us. They aren’t toys. They can feel pain, and hunger, and joy as well. I think these books of hers would help convey that lesson to a child. Particularly if a child isn’t around a lot of animals growing up. I have seen kids where it hadn’t ‘clicked’ yet, that this puppy or kitten is a living, breathing, creature that is worthy of a certain amount of respect and care. So far she has two books out, the first is called Peppermint, and it is about an orange cat. The second is called: Cinnamon – And the little girl giant with chocolate eyes. She is currently working on a third book called: Sky Blue, this one is about a bird…I think it’s a parakeet. I strongly encourage all my listeners who are fans of animals who also have children in your lives to go ahead and get these books. They are available both in print and on kindle through Amazon, so you can find her there as well just by putting her name; Marilyn Murch, in the search bar. Look, one of the great things about buying books for kids, is that then you get to read them to them. You get to spend some real quality one-on-one time with a tiny human, and talk about what you are reading. That my friends, is a great way to be a better man The last thing I ask that is very important, please leave a review for Marilyn on Amazon. Here are the links for Marilyn’s books, or you can click on the pictures: PEPPERMINT CINNAMON ____________________________________________ OK guys, like I said at the beginning, I recently watched a Ted Talk and I am compelled to share with you some of the stuff I heard because it deals exactly with what we talk about here on Being A Better Man. The talk was given by a man named Jackson Katz. Here is a link to it so you can watch this yourself and I strongly encourage everyone to do so: Jackson Katz Video I had never heard of this guy before I watched this. Turns out Jackson Katz is a P.h.d., an author, speaker, and leadership trainer. Basically, he an an activist, helping men be better men just like we do here, only he has been at it much longer. He has done a lot of work with the military and sports teams as well, training them to be better leaders, better men. Jackson Katz is really anti gender violence. How often do you ever consider that phrase? I can tell you the term ‘gender violence’ hardly ever crosses my brain. Why? Because it doesn’t sound like it applies to me, it sounds like more of a woman issue. He went on to talk about some so called woman issues like domestic violence, rape, teen pregnancy and so on. These are all thought of in our society as women issues aren’t they. The rape statistics clearly point out how many women were raped in a given period of time for example. The point Jackson Katz made, and what I agree with is this; Why are the rape statistics the number of women who got raped…rather than the number of men who raped women? Why do the statistics of domestic violence cite the number of women beaten in their home instead of the number of guys who beat women? Why do we hear about how many teenage girls became pregnant instead of hearing about how many men impregnated underage girls? These are great questions, and as Jackson Katz masterfully pointed out in the video, men have been erased from these statistics by language. The focus is on the victim alone and not the perpetrator. After awhile we start to forget that for every raped woman there is a man who is a rapist, and that is who we should be talking about and dealing with. By only mentioning the victims and not the perpetrators it’s as though men are absolved of any responsibility. That is why these things have come to be known as ‘women’s issues’ when clearly, they are primarily men’s issues. If men were not out there committing violence then it wouldn’t be a problem right? What are we doing about that as a society? Not much. This is an example of what I always say, that the things we focus on expand. With our language and the way we talk about it our society focuses on the victims, and guess what…the number of victims continues to expand. We should be focusing on the men who commit these acts. We should be trying to understand what’s happening in our culture that so many boys are missing the memo, and then growing up to be abusers of women and girls and other people as well. Girls are being taught techniques and strategies about how not to get raped, instead of teaching young boys and men not to rape. Jackson Katz went on to offer a remedy. That’s something I look for. When people talk about a problem without offering a remedy they lose credibility with me, but he offered a remedy. Look, I know that you guys, the listeners of this show are not the problem. You are here because you want to be a better man after all. However, you can be part of the solution. It’s important because violence committed by men affects all of us. It affects the world we live in. It affects how men are regarded and thought of as a whole. By the way, the victims are not always female. Many, many young boys also suffer abuse from men. Not only that, but all these young boys who are traumatized by not only their own abuse, but the abuse they see their mothers and sisters suffer—how do you think they are going to grow up under that example. The remedy that Jackson Katz talked about is what he calls “The Bystander Approach”. It defines a bystander as anyone who is neither a victim or a perpetrator in a situation. Basically, all of us who are not involved in violent abuse are bystanders. He calls for the bystanders to stop standing by, and speak up. He also talked about giving people the tools to do so effectively. It’s something I have talked bout before on this show, standing up and speaking out whenever we see another man behaving badly. He isn’t just talking about witnessing an event though. You don’t have to see someone in the act of abuse in order to speak out. The analogy he gave was that of the poker game. Say a bunch of guys are at a poker game and there are no women. Somebody makes a joke that is sexist or demeaning to women in general and instead of laughing along with everyone else—the bystander will speak out. He’ll say, “Hey man, that’s not funny. That could be my wife or daughter your’e talking about. Let’s joke about something else.” Pretty simple right? Imagine if every guy started doing stuff like that. In time it would change the way that behavior is perceived. Or if you hear someone talking about so called “women’s issues”, speak up and point out the fact that they are actually men’s issues. Take the blame off the victim and encourage others to do so as well. Another thing Jackson Katz said that I totally agree with, is the fact that any guy who speaks out like that and challenges another man in his peer culture is being a leader. In the end it all comes down to leadership. One reason there is so much rape, domestic violence, and other horrible behavior is because men have been terrible leaders. It’s time that men of courage, strength, fortitude and moral integrity stand up and start being leaders. That is the remedy. If it’s ever going to change it has to change from within our own ranks. It’s really up to us. So those were some of the nuggets and highlights of the entire talk. He made some other great points as well though and I cannot stress enough how much I think you should go and watch it for yourself to get all the stuff I missed. Here is that link once again: Jackson Katz Video Go to his website and see what else he’s up to as well. Jackson Katz is a man who is giving men tools to be a better man, and I applaud that. Now head out into the world and speak up. Be a leader. Do it for all the people you love, do it for yourself, and do it for the generations that will follow us. It’s a big part of being a better man than you were yesterday. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE…

Being A Better Man

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213 – The Great Race…Of Life 11:47

8 years ago11:47

11:47

The Great Race…Of Life There are about 7.4 billion people on the earth. Roughly half of them are not female, so that means there are around 3.7 billion male humans inhabiting the planet. Notice, I did not say there were 3.7 billion men—because of those 3.7 billion male humans many of them are children. Many of them who are not still technically children are boys who simply grew up, without ever becoming a man, at least by my estimation. So, the number of actual bonafide men on the earth is hard to figure, in fact it would be impossible. The thing about all of these men though, is that they are all a bit different. We all have different abilities and talents and experience. We all have our own set of problems and challenges as well. What might be real easy for one man, may be extraordinarily difficult for another. What works for one man, may simply not work for another man. We are all very individual in that way. It’s one of the things I find fascinating about our species. The same thing doesn’t really apply to cows for example. What works for one cow is likely to work for all the rest of them. There is much less diversity of being, in other species. The reason I’m talking about this is because I was reminded by a listener that not everyone is like me. As host of this show I talk about things from a perspective born of my individual experience. I have a certain way of doing things, a certain way of thinking, like everyone else does. I realized that sometimes I might make it seem too simple. I tell you things like “focus on the things you want to change and make them a priority”. That works great for me and other guys, but there might be guys who can’t even get to the ‘focus’ part, because their life is so upside down for whatever reason they are unable to focus on anything except surviving. I speak about making a decision to be a better man. I talk about looking in the mirror and identifying your shortcomings so that you can correct them. Sometimes I tell you to go through your days looking for opportunities to be better than you were yesterday. Often, I tell you that your relationships are the most valuable things you have…but heck, there may be some guys that don’t have any relationships to speak of at all. It’s one thing to say all this stuff, but it’s another thing entirely to put it into action. There are guys suffering from depression and PTSD, or poverty, some kind of disease, or relationship issues. Maybe you are addicted to drugs or pornography or sugar. Maybe your house got burnt down or a close family member got hit by a train, or whatever. There are a million different things that can and do make life harder for some people than it is for others. These things are not excuses, I’m not talking about excuses here, I’m talking about the facts that exist in individual lives. Here’s the deal, here is what I want to acknowledge. Every single man out there has a different starting point, that’s just how it is. In the great race of life some of us get to start on the starting line while other guys have to start a few yards behind us, and some other guys start the race way back there. Then there are those other few guys that get to start several yards in front of everyone else. Yet, we are all in the same exact race when you look at the big picture, and our starting point isn’t something we can choose. We can choose how we run the race though. That is one reason I tell guys to never compare yourself to other men, because it isn’t accurate. Don’t compare yourself to me either because you aren’t me. The only person you can compare yourself to and be 100% accurate, is yourself…the man you were yesterday. I never want anyone to feel discouraged because I make this sound too simple or too easy. What I want you to know is that wherever you are starting from, the basic principles still apply. Regardless of what problems and challenges you might have in front of you, if you are able to wake up in the morning then you are able to also make some movement in a positive direction, however small it may seem. That’s all it takes, that small positive movement whatever it is, is enough to make you a better man than you were yesterday. That’s all you need to concern yourself with; who you were yesterday and now, who you are today. As long as you are moving in a positive direction, you are doing fantastic! That could mean very different things for different guys, doesn’t matter. What matters is that you are a better man than you were. If you ever hear me say something that doesn’t apply to you, or you feel like I’m just putting words together without considering how hard life might be for you, I invite you to write me a letter at: alf@beingbetter.men and tell me about it. Chances are though, if you feel like that, you might be comparing yourself to someone other than you. I would encourage you to translate everything I say into your own circumstances and situation. The bottom line is just try to be better than you were yesterday right? So lets say someone is listening who suffers from depression or PTSD or something like that for example. It’s getting in the way of his ability to improve areas of his life. OK, maybe all you can do is research programs that can help you, you can make some phone calls. You can look into therapy and support groups. If you can’t afford that, you can get on the internet and learn everything you can about the condition that afflicts you. If you don’t have access to the internet, go to the library and read about it. If none of that is successful, then do it all again the next day. Keep going until you find something or some one that can help. Any of these activities would be positive forward movement, compared to doing nothing. You will have succeeded in focusing on this thing that stands in your way. You would have become a better man than you were the day before as a result. That’s what I’m talking about. Even if you go to bed in the same situation, at least you go to bed knowing you are a better man for the efforts you made. If any of us have an obstacle in front of us that is keeping us from improving and being a better man, then that is the first thing we have to focus on and eliminate. Sometimes it might seem impossible when you start out, but other people have done it. It’s likely that people have done it from farther back in the race than you—and that proves that it is possible. Now head out into the world and remember the only person to compare yourself to, is you. Remember that where you start the race does not determine how you finish. It’s what you do with each moment you are living in that determines that. So do something. If you have an obstacle deal with that first, but do it. Be a better man today than you were yesterday, and then keep doing that every day. Oh, before I go I wanted to thank the guys that got my book after my reminder two episodes ago. I really appreciate it and I want you to know that I noticed. If you have not gotten it yet, it is available below, and also on Amazon. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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212 – When We Screw Up…What Then? 11:29

8 years ago11:29

11:29

When We Screw Up…What Then? You know right from the start when I decided to put this podcast together, I did so with the intent of inviting other men to join me on a path I was already on. The path of perpetual improvement, getting better in every area of life every day. That’s why I call myself “your fellow man in the trenches” in the intro. Because I really, really am right there in the trenches with you, last night I proved it. I’ll tell you something else too. Doing this podcast for about a year and a half now has created some changes. Changes in my life, changes inside me. Another one of those changes is in the level to which, I am accountable. In addition to all the regular ways in which I am accountable, I have realized that I am also accountable to you—the listeners. I feeI feel like I owe you a higher level of forthrightness. It is for that reason that I am going to share something personal with you today. I sit here three times a week telling all of you ways in which you can be a better man. Because I’m the one doing all the talking, some of you might assume that I have it all figured out. You might assume I am a finished product, that I don’t make mistakes or doing anything wrong. Knowing me only through this podcast could present the illusion that I never have a bad day, or that I am never plagued with weakness of character. Well my friends, I’m here to tell you that if you have made any of those assumptions, you are in error. I’m really no different than any of you, I’m just a man. I am an imperfect, fallible, sometimes stupid, and sometimes weak man. Like you though, I am also a man that wants to be a better man, and that’s why we are all here. Last night, I was NOT a better man. Today I woke up ashamed of myself. I woke up angry and disgusted with the guy in the mirror. I’ll tell you what I did, but I want to be very clear about my motives for doing so. I’m not sharing this for sympathy or condolences. Nor am I doing so hoping to appear noble or contrite or anything like that. The reason I’m sharing this is for the example it can provide. My experience may be able to help someone else. Also, because like I said earlier, I feel somewhat accountable to you. I let myself down and in doing so I let down my wife and my family, everyone who looks towards me as an example. It also means that I let you down, so I want to come clean as the first step toward correcting that. Four years ago when I met my wife she shared with me what her ‘deal-breakers’ were. She doesn’t drink at all and one of those deal-breakers was that I would manage adult beverages like an adult. If I drank socially I would do so responsibly, in moderation, and I certainly would not become falling down stupid drunk. I agreed to these stipulations of my own free will and we had an accord. For the most part I have maintained that agreement these past four years. I fudged it a little here and there, like getting a little tipsy at a gathering but I always managed to recognize it and put the brakes on before anything got out of hand. Last night was an exception to this. My brother, who is an amazing singer, got a gig playing and singing at a little resort. My dad and I went out to watch and support him. My dad brought a friend with him and I brought a friend as well. My wife elected to stay home and do her own thing. The night started out pretty well, I was having a great time. I was reveling in camaraderie with my friend and the other people at our table. The music was incredible, my brother was singing as well as I have ever heard him. The atmosphere was relaxed, and joyful. We were drinking beer; really exceptional beer from a local brewery. I was having so much fun in the moment that I didn’t pace myself. In fact, pacing myself didn’t even cross my mind. About half way through the night I realized that I was getting drunk, as such my judgement was severely impacted so, I just kept on drinking. By the end of the night I had become a stumbling, mumbling, incoherent drunk. I was dropped off at home. Even though I was no longer drinking my belly was still full of beer, and my condition continued to decline. I came in the house bouncing off walls and furniture. I left the door open and my dog escaped and went on her own little rampage. As I was helping my wife try to get the dog I fell down several times, which explains the cuts and abrasions I have today. The details after that are foggy, but suffice it to say that I made a big mess…of everything. I woke up this morning shaky and dehydrated. I was stiff and sore because I had gone to sleep where I landed. I woke up in complete shame, with the knowledge that I had let my wife down, I had broken an agreement, and I had behaved like a child rather than a man. I was prepared to accept whatever consequences I had brought upon myself because, there was no excuse. There simply isn’t one single good excuse for what I had done. When I spoke to my wife I expected to see rage, what I saw instead was hurt. I had hurt her profoundly, something I had sworn never to do. Also visible was the lack of admiration she once had for me, it had left her. So there I was, where a lot of men have found themselves at one time or another. This is the part that I hope you get some value from. You see, in this position I was in I had choices to make, like everyone in this position does. I could feel sorry for myself and wallow in my self induced misery. Or, I could try and act as though it’s no big deal and get defensive if anyone says otherwise. I could have begged for forgiveness and made a bunch of promises. What I chose to do, was move forward. I went and looked in the mirror. I noted my flaws and I owned them. Then I decided upon a remedy to improve those flaws. I decided that I simply won’t drink when I am away from my house. Even at my house if I drink there will be a standing limit of two. In light of the fact I had proven I am not capable of being responsible with adult beverages, it was an easy remedy to discover, there isn’t another option. It is a remedy I am committed to. So now I am back on the path of being a better man. I’m also on the path of restoring the damage I did, and regaining admiration in my wife eyes. It may take a long time, but these are the consequences for not paying attention, for not focusing on the right things at the right time. I know there are people who would hear of this situation and say things like; “Every body makes mistakes, boys will be boys, it happens…whats the big deal?” These are all just invalid excuses. The bottom line is that I broke an agreement with someone I love. That is simply unacceptable. So now you know of my wrongdoing, and you know of my remedy. By telling you about it I have made myself accountable to you to accomplish this remedy. This is me, moving forward. I hope some people can find this helpful. Remember, whenever we screw up, then we have choices. You can wallow, deny, blame others, or…you can move forward by owning your crap, and then making a remedy to fix the things that are wrong. From there, we just have to keep being a better man than we were yesterday. Until next time, this is Alf Herigstad, signing out. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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211 – The End Of Drama And Negativity 11:30

8 years ago11:30

11:30

The End Of Drama And Negativity… Hey every body! It’s Friday once again. Thanks for tuning into Being A Better Man, where we talk about the issues of manhood itself. Being a man isn’t just a matter of age. Nor is it simply a matter of gender. Being a man is a matter of character, it is a state of mind, a responsibility and a duty. I am your host, my name is Alf Herigstad Today I’m going to talk about something that does not get talked about enough. Before I get into that though, I am going to talk about the esteemed sponsor of our Friday episodes; Stumptown Kilts. It’s June. Summer is coming and in some places, it’s already here. You may have already had a day where you got uncomfortable, your legs got all hot and sweaty, things started sticking and chafing where you didn’t want them to, right? Now imagine what that same day would have been like with the coolness of the breeze wafting up and getting rid of all that sweat and discomfort before it even happened. That’s just one of the advantages of going out into the day wearing a supremely crafted StumpTown Kilt. Guess what? Fathers day is coming up on June 18th. I personally can’t think of a better Father’s day gift, than a beautiful Stumptown Kilt. If you are a father, or if you think you might ever be a father, if you have a father or even if you know someone that is a father this would be the perfect gift. There isn’t anything wrong with giving yourself a gift either. To make it even better, right now listeners of this program can get 10% off their online purchase by going to stumptownkilts.com and entering the code: betterman, at checkout. That’s all you have to do. So make some father’s day this year, even if it’s yourself, by going to stumptownkilts.com and entering the code: betterman. All one word and all lower case. There is a lot of really crappy news in the world today. It seems like everyone just wants to talk about the bad stuff all the time. Whenever you watch the news or even in social media threads there is a ton of negativity being pumped into the universe. I get it, it’s kind of a natural thing. People are activated by bad news. People listen intently if you are talking about something negative. I think we are hard wired this way, we are drawn to bad news because our ancient ancestors had to address the threats in life first, in order to survive. The problem is, we don’t live in those times any more and much of the negativity we are exposed to isn’t a threat at all…it’s really just gossip. The downside of all this negativity in my opinion, is that we become infected by it. If we aren’t careful we get sucked into the drama and before you know it, we are contributors. It is a self perpetuating condition. Negativity breeds more negativity. So today I want to talk about the virtues of positivity. Many years ago I decided that I was going to start living a drama free life. I was going to avoid all things that were negative and focus only on positive things. It went really well for about ten years. Things were great, life was happy and peaceful and I was quite content. During that time if someone showed up in my life who was negative, I would simply not let them in. In fact, I called my house “The Fortress Of Solitude”, named after Super Man’s lair of course—but I would not allow any negative energy to come into my life. Then eventually, I got so cozy in my drama free life that I lost sight of my goal. I allowed one little drip of negativity in, that created more negativity, and in no time it all came crashing down. My drama free life was over just like that, but it took me some time to identify it. That lasted about four years. It took me that long to realize what had happened, to understand what I had done. Once I was able to identify the problem then I could fix it, and I did. I’m happy to say that I am once again living drama free, and I intend to stay that way. The secret to staying that way I have learned, is to think about it all the time. In this world we live in especially it takes a tremendous amount of effort to not be affected by all of the negative energy that’s out there. You cannot get cozy like I did. Like everything else though, it starts with a decision. You have to decide what you are not willing to tolerate in your life, and then take action on that decision. It can be really tough though. I have known people who were so steeped in negativity and drama that they didn’t even realize it. It had become ‘normal’ to them, to the point they had lost all sight of another way. It can also be tough because if you make a decision like this, it means there are people you may have to eliminate from your life. People you call friends, or even family. These are people who contribute nothing of value to your life or theirs. They are like human vacuums that go around sucking up all the joy from everything. Do you know anyone like that? Eliminating the influence these people have is probably the hardest thing to do, but it’s only hard up to the point that you do it…then, it is a huge relief. I’ll give you one little tip to think about. Practice it for a couple days and see if it makes a difference. My tip is that there are two sides to every coin. In every single situation you encounter during life there are two ways to look at it. You can look at the worst side, the negative side. Or, you can choose to find the positive side and make that your perspective. For example, if you get in a car wreck you can focus on the damage to your car or your body, you can focus on the financial burden it might cause. Or, you can focus on the fact that you are still alive, that your wounds will heal, and that you have the rest of your life and you will have many cars before it’s over. See the difference? I think this is important if you are being a better man. It’s important because it causes you to focus on the positive, and as you know…the things we focus on expand. If you are expanding the negative by focusing on that it will be very difficult to improve as a man. You will be mired down in the drama and drudgery of life. On the other side of the coin though, if you are expanding the positive by focusing on the positive aspects of life and avoiding negativity, improvement becomes natural. As everything in life becomes more positive you will be much more able to be a better man today than you were yesterday. Think this over as you head out into the world. How negative are you? Think about what steps you can take today to relieve yourself of some negativity. Visualize yourself living a drama free, happy, positive life. Then take the actions necessary to make it happen. If you have any questions about this, or you would like more specific details about what I’m talking about or how to apply it, just write me an email at: alf@beingbetter.men and tell me whats going on. Hey I also know that there are those of you still out there who have not gotten my book forging a man. It’s on Amazon in print and eBook form so there really isn’t an excuse, go get it today. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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210 – When Your’e All Alone, Impress Yourself! 8:00

8 years ago8:00

8:00

When Your’e All Alone…Impress Yourself! I would like to take just a minute and acknowledge all of you listeners out there that have been with me for a long time. I just got a letter from a guy named Jorge in Mexico, and he said he has been listening since June of last year! That is an entire year. It just made me think about all of you out there who have stuck with me—some of you from the very beginning. It really means a lot to me, it’s quite humbling. I have gotten to know some of you through your letters and our correspondence and I have to say, that I am better for it. So thank you. At the same time I want to welcome the new listeners and I invite you to go back and start at the beginning…get all caught up. I invite all of you new or otherwise to drop me a line, just write me an email. You can tell me how long you have been here, what you get out of it, you can ask questions or give me some ideas for new shows. You can even disagree with me. My email address is: alf@beingbetter.men . No one opens that email but me, and it is also me that will be writing you back. Today what I am going to talk about is a very simple principle. It’s simple, but I believe it is also integral to being a better man. In other words, I think it would be difficult if not impossible to ever be a better man without it. I’ve talked about this before on many occasions. It comes up a lot even when I talk about other topics. I don’t think I have ever talked about this exclusively though. What I’m referring to is the basic, simple idea of doing the right thing even when you are all alone. Like I said it’s a very simple concept. So simple that it can be easy to forget about as well. When we know that other people can see what we do and hear what we say, I think most of us are naturally on our best behavior. Especially if there is someone there to impress. However, when people are all alone and no one is watching…many people will behave in another way. To act differently, by a different standard of behavior when you are alone is a very natural thing to do. I’m not judging anyone for it because I’ve done that myself, we all have. It is a very common thing to do but we, men who have decided to be better men, are no longer common men. To have your behavior, thoughts, actions, and speech be consistent wether you are alone or around any group of people is a very powerful, liberating thing. It’s liberating because you are being yourself all the time. You don’t have to think about it. Obviously, if you act differently around different groups of people or when you are alone, then there are times when you are not being yourself. I’m not just talking about big things either, In fact it’s the small things that really count in my opinion. It takes more initiative to do a small inconsequential thing than it does a big important thing. For example, let’s say you are walking in the woods or a park and you see a gum wrapper on the ground. Nobody is around and you are all alone. If you choose not to pick up that gum wrapper there are virtually no consequences. No one will know that you didn’t pick it up. You will know though. It’s a small thing, just a gum wrapper. However, if you bend down and pick it up you will have the knowledge that you have done a good thing simply for the sake of it, with no expectation of reward or praise. Multiply that by hundreds of tiny things over the course of a year and it really starts to add up. That’s just one example, but every time you do something that you perceive is good when you are alone, I believe it is building character, it’s establishing a pattern, it’s making you a better man. Instead of spending energy impressing others, you are impressing yourself. What a concept! I know many of you out there practice this already. Some of you maybe less so, and to some of you this might be a brand new idea. I encourage all of you to practice it throughout the week. The hardest part about doing this is just remembering to in my opinion. Especially when there are no immediate consequences or rewards. It’s so easy to not even think about it, because you are alone. The key to remembering, like the key to everything else, is to make it a priority. The way we make it a priority is by thinking about it and focusing on it. The things we focus on expand—the things we focus on become a priority. Now head out into the world and focus on being the best you can be wether you are with other people or all by yourself. The next time you find yourself alone, do something to impress yourself, and be a better man than you were yesterday. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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209 – Memorial Day 9:38

8 years ago9:38

9:38

Memorial Day… Today is memorial day in America. Although this day had different names and different dates, the official holiday of Memorial Day was made a legal holiday in 1967. It is a day set aside specifically to honor the memory of people who died while serving in America’s armed forces. Almost everyone in America has a relative who died serving in some conflict. World war 1, world war 2, Vietnam, the Korean conflict, the gulf war…something. I would bet that almost everyone living today has an ancestor that died in a war. If they didn’t die, they were wounded, or captured, or something else. I for one, think it is a good and noble thing America is doing; setting a day aside to remember these people who gave their life. However they died, under whatever circumstances, they did so in the service of something larger than their self—right or wrong. There they were; putting themselves in harms way for a concept, an idea, or simply to help the man beside him. By my definition they are all heroes, each one of them. My family has a slightly different tradition on Memorial Day. We travel to the graves of all our ancestors that are within traveling distance. There, we place flowers on their graves, we clean their stones. We remember them, and tell stories, and speak of their deeds in life. Then w e honor their memory individually and as a family, wether they died in war or not. We went and did this yesterday, on Sunday as is our custom. As I was standing in one of the the cemeteries yesterday I was awe struck by the number of flags I saw on graves. You see, in this cemetery, every veteran buried there has a flag placed on their grave by the cemetery staff. I was standing there looking at a sea of flags waving at the grave of each veteran. I was touched, because I was looking an an Army of dead men who died in service. A literal Army of them based on the vast numbers of flags I saw. I was humbled, as I thought of the amount of blood spilt. The amount of individual pain and suffering each one of those flags represented. Then I was even more shook, as I thought of the impact all these deaths had on the family members of these brave souls. They were fathers and sons and brothers and uncles. They were husbands, and men who were betrothed to marry. Each one of those flags I saw represented an enormous amount of pain and grief that affected entire families. Then I looked at the graves of my own family. There were some flags, but many of them had no flags at all. Many of them were just ordinary people. People who have now become my ancestors. Most of them I knew, but some had passed before I was even born. There they were, and there I was, with a handful of flowers in what seemed like a feeble attempt at honoring their memory. In that moment I felt wholly inadequate. I felt like nothing I did or said would come close to honoring these people as they should be honored. I pondered this state of mind for a few moments. Then gradually a new thought entered my mind. It was the realization that I am the sum total of all these people in the ground beneath me. My presence alone suddenly became signifiant because were it not for the life and sacrifice of these people in the ground—I might not even exist. I came to realize that my very existence honored their memory. Just the fact that I was standing there. With each beat of my heart the life and loves and sacrifices of my ancestors is given a shape and a sound and a purpose. My thoughts didn’t stop there though. They continued to evolve and the next thing I started thinking about was the fact that one day, I would be the person in the ground. Some random member of my progeny might be standing above me with a handful of flowers, feeling inadequate. One day, I will be an ancestor. One day, all of us will be ancestors. Out of all the thoughts I had yesterday I feel like the last one was the most profound. I thought about that unknown descendant who might venture to my grave one day to lay down flowers and attempt to honor my memory. That persons life will be affected by choices I make now. This unknown persons life will be impacted by the way I live my life, the kind of man I am, and what stories I leave behind. I was reminded of the tremendous responsibility I have in this life. It isn’t just the people I know and love now to whom I am responsible—but to all of the generations to follow. On this memorial day, wether you are in America or not, I suggest that you take some time to ponder the people who gave their life in service. Next, I suggest that you take a few moments to consider your own ancestors. Go to their grave if you are able to. Even if you don’t have any idea who your ancestors are. Even if you don’t know their names or their stories—you can still honor the fact that they existed. You can consider their life and their sacrifice, and realize that you came from them Lastly, I suggest that you spend some time reflecting on your own mortality. Consider the fact that you will be an ancestor one day. Allow yourself to feel the weight of that responsibility for those people who will follow after you. Then, go out into the world and be a better man today than you were yesterday. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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208 – Why Are You Listening? 10:35

8 years ago10:35

10:35

Why…Are You Listening? Today’s episode is kind of geared for the single guys out there. You guys who are attached may find it interesting as well though. My question for today is; why do you listen to this show? I really want to know, because it was recently suggested to me that men tune into this program because they think becoming a better man will eventually lead to them having more success in the dating / mating world. I’m not convinced that is your only motivation, so I would like to know what your reason is for tuning in. I’m going to discuss this dating / mating thing in today’s episode, but first I am going to acknowledge the sponsor of today’s program; Stumptown Kilts. Why should you wear a kilt? It’s a fair question. First of all I don’t tell anyone what they should or should not do—that’s for you to decide. Some people wear kilts because their ancestors did, and they think that’s cool. Others might wear a kilt for the simple comfort and utility that it offers. Still other guys might like wearing a kilt because it makes them be noticed, it makes them stand out in the crowd. There are hundreds of reasons like this I could come up with for wearing a kilt, but they don’t all apply to everyone. The choice to wear a kilt is a very individual thing, it takes a certain kind of man. Here’s what I do know—if you are among the men that have ever thought owning a kilt would be a good idea, for whatever reason, then there is only one kilt you should consider. That my friends, is a Stump Town Kilt. I say this for many reasons; they are beautiful works of craftsmanship, they are made from the finest most durable materials, their innovative design and features set them far ahead of the competition, and the people at Stumptown Kilts actually care about your happiness and comfort. I could go on and on, but the real proof about what I’m saying is that I own three of these myself and I plan on getting more because I don’t believe I can get a better kilt for the money, anywhere. As a listener of this show you can get your own Stump Town Kilt at a special price, by going to stumptownkilts.com and entering the purchase code: betterman, at checkout. Do that and you will receive 10% off your online purchase. Everyone who has taken this advice has been thrilled, without exception. So head over to stumptownkilts.com today and check them out, and remember to enter the purchase code: betterman. OK…back to the question at hand; why do you want to be a better man? Does it all boil down to dating / mating? There are lots of pickup artist out there right now. You know, dating guru’s taking a lot of money from guys and promising them that if you do what they say you will have more confidence and you will be able to woo the woman of your dreams. I think it’s fair to say that everybody would like to have someone special in their lives. I spent a lot of time and energy myself looking for the perfect woman. There isn’t anything wrong with that, it’s perfectly natural. It’s a biological imperative created by our hormones for crying out loud. It will not be denied. However, if you want me to give you some magic formula that will suddenly make you attractive and desirable to women—I can’t help you with that. That isn’t my job, this isn’t that kind of show. Those shows are out there though. There are people who prey on the frustration that single men feel in today’s world. They tell you how to become more successful at dating. They share secrets and techniques that will put notches on your bedpost, and guys flock to that because they are frustrated, desperate, lonely, and searching for that person who will fill that empty spot. I have a problem with these people that lead men down this path. I have a problem with it because it is all built on deception and manipulation. It isn’t genuine or authentic or honest, rather it is superficial and almost always focused on sexuality and a twisted sense of masculinity, instead of intimacy, humanity, or relationship. They teach guys how to manipulate women by using their own logic and feminine tendencies against them. Would you want someone using these techniques on your daughter? I certainly would not. So that’s why I would like to know why you tune into this program. I personally believe that the majority of you are listening because you actually want to be a better man—for the sake of being better, to be the best you can. I reject the idea that most of you are here for some other superficial reason. Of course, I do understand that there are many of you who are hurting out there. There are lots of guys who have no luck at all in the dating world these days, it seems hopeless and it sucks. There are also lots of guys stuck in horrible relationships with the wrong person and you can’t even remember how you got there. So I understand the tendency to be drawn toward the easy fix. While I understand it, I also caution you against it, because nothing worthwhile in life comes easy. The philosophy here at Being A Better Man is completely opposite to what I have been describing. I believe that if a man is truly focused on his own improvement, if he is committed to actually becoming a better man, the best man he can be, that all the other areas of your life will fall into place in the best way they can. By being a better man you are also being a better employee, a better friend, a better brother, son, and partner. How could these areas not improve if you are improving in every area of your life? There is no guarantee that you will marry your soul-mate, but if you are being the best man you can, the chances of it are much higher. Being a better man won’t necessarily make you wealthy or successful, but it might make you content and happy with who you are. Which I think is even more valuable. Being a better man will not make you handsome or irresistible. Although it may allow your truly attractive qualities to be noticed like your sense of humor. You might get in better shape because you are improving your fitness. Being a better man will do one thing for sure though. At the end of the day you will feel good about the man you are, you will take pride in your existence and your accomplishments. You will have an improved knowledge of who you are, and that makes life a bit more valuable. So that’s the difference in these two very different ways of approaching life. I have more to say about the whole dating / mating topic. However instead of rambling on about what I think is important, I would like to hear from you guys. I would like you to write me a letter and tell me what your frustrations are. I would like to hear about the challenges you face, and also…what is motivating you to want to be a better man. Just write me an email at: alf@beingbetter.men and tell me whats going on. Thanks again to our sponsor, StumpTown Kilts, and thank all of you for tuning in today. Now head out into the world and just be a better man today than you were yesterday—for all the right reasons. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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207 – Happiness Is A Sharp Chain 8:03

8 years ago8:03

8:03

Happiness Is A Sharp Chain… So I live up here in Washington State and I heat my house with wood. I have been cutting a lot of firewood this past year, because that’s just what you have to do when you have wood heat. Sometimes I will be going along and not realize that the chain on my saw has gotten dull. It happens gradually so it’s easy not to notice unless you are really paying close attention. When I’m working I get totally focused on the task I’m doing so sometimes I go too long without sharpening the chain. I should notice though, because the work becomes harder and harder. As the chain becomes more dull you have to push harder and harder to accomplish the same amount of cutting. When I finally realize the chain is dull and I sharpen it, it’s like a whole new world. What was difficult a few moments before has now become easy. It’s like the bar drags itself through the logs instead of me having to push it and wrestle it every inch of the way. Happiness truly is a sharp chain. It occurred to me today as I was cutting some wood with a sharp chain, that life is kind of like that too. When we are paying attention to all the little aspects of our life—when our life is sharp, it’s much easier. Just like me with that chainsaw though, if we get too focused on one thing or stop paying attention for whatever reason…our life goes from sharp to dull. Exactly like the chain saw, it happens gradually. Life just gets a little harder every day and we don’t really notice it until it’s as dull as a butterknife. We finally notice it one day when we wake up and realize our life is a mess, with lots of problems that won’t go away. We have been too focused on some things and not focused enough on others, and now we are cutting wood with a dull chain. The remedy my friends, is to never let your chain get that dull in the first place. The other day I was cutting some wood and I hit a nail that was in it. It destroyed my chain and I had to get a new one. Stuff like that happens sometimes in life too and we have to deal with it the best we can. However, the rest of the time it’s up to us. We have to check our chain, or our life, on a daily basis and make sure it’s sharp. That’s really the only effective way to do it. If we check it every day we can get the file and sharpen it up if we need to. We won’t be surprised by a dull chain. Our life won’t get as hard to deal with if we tend to it on a daily basis instead of waiting for something to go wrong. I realize I’m not really telling anyone anything they don’t know here. All of this is common sense and any reasonably intelligent person knows that it’s better to be prepared for life and be current on all of your responsibilities instead of just letting things go until it’s a big mess. I do not mean to insult your intelligence by bringing this up. Here’s my question though—if we all know this, then why don’t we all do it? If we know that it’s better to have a sharp chain then why isn’t our chain sharp all the time? It’s a good question, and any answer I came up with would be pure speculation. I don’t even pretend to know exactly why humans are like this. However, I do believe that it’s possible to get better at any thing, and practice is the method by which this happens. I also believe that understanding what is lacking, is the first step toward making any improvement. The whole reason for this podcast, and this episode is to help you keep these things in the upper crust of your consciousness. That’s why I talk about this stuff, because it gives us all a better chance at remembering what is important. I am also a big believer in the use of metaphor, like today with the chain saw. A metaphor creates a picture in your head. If I can picture my life being like the chain on my saw that needs to be looked and and sharpened every day…then I find that helpful. What this all boils down to is what I started saying way back on the very first episode. When I told you to look in the mirror every day and take account of yourself and your life, so you could make corrections where needed. The term “every day” is a critical component of that formula. It’s also the part most often missed. Today’s metaphor is intended to help you visualize that “every day” part, and realize the necessity of it. Now head out into the world with a sharp chain. There is a lot of wood to be cut in your life and you will be able to do it a lot easier if your chain, and your life, is like a razor. You will also notice that by keeping your life sharp, by checking in every day and making corrections where you need to, that you will be a better man today than you were yesterday. Hey remember to to check out my new book, Forging A Man, available right now on Amazon. (GET THE BOOK HERE) Also, please take time to check out the MANLY RESOURCE CENTER, in the menu tab at the top of the page. Or, click on these links. PATREON STUMPTOWN KILTS AUDIBLE FACEBOOK (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//forms.aweber.com/form/27/1175410227.js"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, "script", "aweber-wjs-t8d8jxubo"));…

Being A Better Man

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206 – If Not Us…WHO? 8:39

8 years ago8:39