38. Increasing Alignment in the Therapy Room: Ways to Make Sense of Differences Between Statements and Nonverbal Signals

Connection Therapy

In therapy, we often listen closely to what’s being said—but what’s not being said can sometimes offer even more insight.

A client may describe their week as “fine” or say they’re “managing,” but their body is heavy, their eyes are downcast, and their facial expressions suggest something else entirely. This kind of misalignment—between verbal language and nonverbal signals—isn’t uncommon.

In today’s episode, Brenda explores what’s happening when someone’s internal emotional state doesn’t match how they present on the outside. Brenda brings in the foundational work of Jaak Panksepp and team, who identified core emotional systems and how they influence behavior to further explore this phenomena. She reviews Panksepp’s idea that different emotional systems in the brain—like the grief system and the seeking system—can become imbalanced. Someone might be in a state of deep sadness or loss, but still trying to push forward and find meaning, and the result is a presentation that appears disconnected.

She also touches on the work of Paul Ekman, whose research on facial expressions helps us understand how emotions show up across the face—often before a person is even aware of what they’re feeling. This is where things can get especially valuable in therapy. When we’re better able to recognize the multiple ways clients signal what they’re feeling, we’re better equipped to meet clients where they actually are, not just where they say they are.

This episode is less about confronting inconsistencies and more about using them as information. This conversation offers practical insight into what it means to really pay attention to the signals that often go unspoken—and how those signals can guide deeper, more attuned work.

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References:

Ekman, P. (2003). Emotions Revealed: Recognizing Faces and Feelings to Improve Communication and Emotional Life. Holt.

Jaak Panksepp & Lucy Biven. (2012). The Archaeology of Mind: Neuroevolutionary Origins of Human Emotions (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology) 1st Edition. W. W. Norton & Company.