How do you deal with one twin wanting all the attention?

Dad's Guide to Twins

What do you do when one of your twins wants all the attention and gets upset when anyone is showing affection to their twin?

We found this particularly troublesome with toddler twins.

For toddler twins, you’ll need to adapt your strategies to match their developmental stage. Toddlers are still learning to regulate their emotions, communicate effectively, and understand social dynamics like sharing attention. Here’s how you could help your young twins:

Acknowledge and Name Emotions

Simplify language to match their understanding. Observe their behavior (e.g., whining, hitting, clinging) as these are primary ways toddlers express emotions. At this age, toddlers might not have the words to express their feelings fully, so helping them label their emotions can be helpful. For example, you can say, “I see you’re feeling sad because [brother/sister] is getting a hug. You want a hug too, don’t you?”

Name the emotion for them, such as “mad” or “sad,” so they start to learn how to recognize their feelings. Offer hugs, gentle pats, and soothing words like “I know you’re feeling frustrated” or “It’s okay to feel sad.” You can then model how to express these feelings with words instead of actions like crying or pushing.

Model Sharing and Taking Turns

At this stage, your toddler twins are just learning how to share and take turns. So, model the behavior you want to see by taking turns giving affection. For example, give one twin a hug, then give the other twin a hug right after. This helps them understand that attention can be shared.

You can even count or narrate the process to make it clear, like, “First it’s your turn for a cuddle, and then it’s [brother’s/sister’s] turn!” Toddlers respond well to simple routines and clear cues (thus the success of a bedtime routine).

Reassure and Redirect

When a toddler gets upset because their sibling is receiving attention, you may need to reassure them and immediately redirect their attention to something else. For example, you could say, “I’ll give you a hug after we play with this toy together.”

Distraction works well with toddlers, so redirecting them to an engaging activity can help break the cycle of jealousy or frustration. For example, “Let’s look at this picture!”

Praise Positive Behavior Immediately

Praise the toddlers immediately when they exhibit positive behavior, like waiting their turn for affection or showing interest in their twin’s happiness. Keep the praise simple: “Wow, you’re being so patient! Great job waiting your turn!”

Toddlers thrive on immediate feedback, so acknowledging even small moments of patience can encourage them to repeat those behaviors.

Separate Time with Each Twin

With toddlers, you’ll want to create more opportunities for one-on-one time for each child. Toddlers are still very dependent on individual attention to feel secure. Even brief moments of individualized attention can make a big difference.

Short, separate sessions with each child can help them feel loved without feeling like they’re in competition. For example, one could have a quiet story time while the other plays, then switch. Even short periods of dedicated attention, like reading a book or playing peek-a-boo with each child individually, can make a big difference.

Encourage independent play by providing age-appropriate toys and activities that allow them to explore their own interests.

Simplify Boundaries and Expectations

Use clear, simple rules for behavior, such as, “We don’t grab. We ask for a turn” or “We share the love” when you see one twin getting upset. Toddlers understand short, simple rules more easily than complex explanations.

Be consistent in how you respond—always gently remind the upset twin that they will get affection too, but that everyone needs to take turns. If they persist with unwanted behavior (like pushing), calmly but firmly guide them to use their words or gestures instead.

Use Physical Affection for Both at the Same Time

Since toddlers love physical affection, you can often combine affection for both twins at once. For instance, give both of them a hug or sit them on your lap together. This can reduce feelings of competition and help them understand that both can receive love simultaneously.

Parallel play is also helpful at this age, where you engage in activities side by side (like coloring or playing with blocks) and show affection intermittently as they play.

Focus on Positive Interaction Between Them

Encourage your toddlers to interact positively with each other. When one twin shows affection toward the other, like giving a hug or sharing a toy, immediately reinforce that behavior with praise: “Wow, that was so nice of you to share!”

Model positive interactions by engaging them in joint activities where they can both experience the joy of cooperation, like building a tower together or playing peekaboo. Praise them for working as a team.

Set a Routine for Affection

Toddlers feel more secure when they have routines, so try to incorporate regular moments of affection throughout the day. For example, make it a habit to have a morning cuddle or nighttime ritual with both twins. This gives them a sense of predictability, reducing anxiety about “competition” for attention.

You might say, “We always have a cuddle before nap time, and we share lots of love!” Routine creates structure that helps toddlers feel confident.

Stay Calm and Patient

Stay calm and composed, even if one twin gets upset or acts out. Toddlers are learning how to regulate their emotions, and they take cues from you. If you remain patient, it models how to manage emotions in a calm way.

If they’re still struggling with sharing attention, it may just take more time. Consistent gentle guidance is key at this stage.

Avoid Overstimulation

Sometimes toddlers can get upset when there’s too much going on at once. Ensure that both twins feel like they have space and time to process affection. Take breaks and give them moments of quiet time if they seem overwhelmed.

By being consistent with your twins, you’re laying the groundwork for healthier sibling interactions and emotional regulation. The focus at this age is to provide lots of reassurance, gentle redirection, and consistent boundaries, while also giving them the individual attention they need to feel secure.

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