#1278 - How Not to Be a Pushy Parent (With Professor Wendy Grolnick)

Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

“I just want what’s best for them.”
That’s what every loving parent says. But sometimes, in our desperation to protect our kids from failure—or secure their success—we push too hard, and it backfires.

In this conversation with psychologist and parenting expert Professor Wendy Grolnick, we explore the hidden costs of being a pushy parent and how to guide our children in healthier, more empowering ways. Drawing on decades of research and her landmark book The Psychology of Parental Control, Wendy shares practical, compassionate strategies that help parents avoid power struggles and build confident, capable kids.

🎯 KEY POINTS:

• Three essential elements of healthy parenting:

  1. Autonomy support – Helping kids feel in control of their choices by taking their perspective, offering meaningful input, and collaborating on problem-solving.

  2. Structure – Setting clear expectations, routines, and feedback to support competence and confidence.

  3. Involvement – Being emotionally available, engaged, and actively present in your child’s world.

• Why we get pushy: Even well-meaning parents can fall into control patterns driven by fear and overinvestment in their child’s success.

• What happens when we control too much: Studies show controlling parenting undermines children’s motivation, persistence, self-regulation, and even long-term resilience.

• Trust matters: Building your child’s autonomy means trusting their developmental process—even when it’s messy.

• You don’t have to fix everything: Setbacks are growth opportunities. Let your child struggle sometimes—with your support beside them, not ahead of them.

💬 QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:
"Every setback your child faces is an opportunity to learn something. Growth happens in the strangest places." – Professor Wendy Grolnick

📚 RESOURCES MENTIONED:

• The Psychology of Parental Control by Wendy Grolnick

• happyfamilies.com.au for memberships and premium content

• Research on Self-Determination Theory and autonomy-supportive parenting

✅ ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:

1. Check your instincts – Pause when you feel the urge to push or control. Ask yourself, “Is this about me, or about them?”

2. Explore their world – Start by understanding your child’s perspective, especially when things go sideways.

3. Problem-solve together – Instead of imposing solutions, collaborate. Ask, “What do you think we could do here?”

4. Build structure with input – Create routines and expectations with your child’s involvement.

5. Celebrate autonomy wins – Notice and encourage moments when your child takes initiative or solves problems independently.

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