#73 Expatriation, Repatriation and Commuting: Behind the Scenes of Expat Life - with Karlijn Jacobs

Holding the Fort Abroad

Synopsis:

Karlijn Jacobs supports organisations to enhance the success of international relocations through a family centered approach. She is the world's first ombudsperson for international children and families.Today we're going to be speaking about what she does at Expat Valley, and we're also going to hear a bit of her story of a time when her husband was away for work.

Highlights from today’s episode:

• Moving to Shanghai with the whole family - navigating change and maintaining both careers. Taking the decision together.
• The importance of supporting families for a successful expatriation
• Karlijn’s and her husband’s experience of commuting.
• What led to the decision for Karlijn’s husband to commute to another country. ‘this was a good way to move forward…in the beginning, we thought we were getting the best of both worlds. My husband could progress his career and I would be home with the kids, close to our extended family and friends in the place that we wanted them to grow up. But, oh boy. 22:58 - 23:14
• Underestimating repatriation
• Adapting to the new setup: leaving on Tuesdays and returning on Thursdays evenings
• The context matters as well: how many transitions are you going through at the same time: Birth, move, new job, repatriation? “I think it was really only after a year or so that it was fully dawning on us that we signed up for something that was a lot more complicated than we anticipated.” (23:55)
• Open ended commuting assignments are harder “We realized that we signed up for something that we weren't going to make disappear. Like that was there, that was part of our normal routine. It wasn't a matter of investing time and energy and then you can finish that part 26:47 - 27:00
• The difficulty of setting up a business at the same time (the first attempt at establishing a business with two children under 3, her husband commuting and Karlijn blaming herself and feeling she was failing as a parent)
• The shifting between being 3 to being 4 people at the week-ends “the family dynamics, that would just change twice a week. Like it would drive all four of us nuts…for me to make that shift every so many days, that was exhausting.” 33:07 - 33:32
• Understanding that ‘split location’ comes with common challenges
• If you have people who can help ‘and they're only a phone call away, then pick up the phone, ask for help, protect your own sanity. Embrace that you don't have to do it all by yourself and take all the help you can get up there. 38:53 - 39:12

What stopped Karlijn from asking for help:

• used to being independent
• feeling she should be able to do it yourself
• not wanting to be a burden

“if you really want to hold on to these beliefs, then don't sign up for it (commuting or split family assignment), because you can't do this all by yourself.” 38:01- 38:09

“I could have been so much more relaxed with myself as opposed to setting the bar really high, pretending that we were a normal family and then not, not succeeding because of all sorts of self imposed goals and objectives.” 40:15 - 40:30

• Commuting with little children: transition times and colour coded calendars

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Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.

OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.

You may be wondering:

• How can we be a family when we're miles apart?
• Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?

I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.

Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad