Handheld Concussion Machine

Instead Of

Here at ZipVan Winkle’s, we take all the waking stress out of moving. You know how, when you’re awake, moving sucks? That’s where we come in. ZipVan Winkle’s is built on the timeless idea that when you’re asleep, you don’t know what’s going on. With our patented Right Angle-Identifying technology, you can rest assured that we’ll never cut corners. And as experienced storm chasers, we’ll never conduct your move during a tornado (though our patent-pending hairpills mean you’ll never know the difference!). Move with ZipVan Winkle’s, and you’ll wake up in a brand new world™. Also in this one, Josh rends a fence limb-from-limb, Mike stipulates the hair you ate, and Tapan processes the full range of human experience.

Pairings: ground-to-air troops; gawking dawdlers; a shallow gene pool