Getting Kinky: How to Talk About Your Desires in the Bedroom (Feat. Safiya Darling)

It's About DAMN Time

This week’s episode dives into an essential but often unspoken topic:

How to share your sexual desires and fantasies with your partner—without the shame or awkwardness.

Just in time for the final days of National Kink Month, I’m sitting down with Safiya Darling, a Black Sex Educator and BDSM/Kink Specialist, who’s here to break it all down.

Safiya shares her expert insights into what kink is, common misconceptions, and why so many people struggle with opening up about their fantasies.

We talk about everything from the basics of kink to building the confidence to express your true desires. Safiya’s practical advice covers everything from setting boundaries to making sure you and your partner are on the same page with a “yes, no, maybe” list.

Whether you’re curious about body worship, sensual play, or even a little role play, this episode is packed with guidance on communicating openly and honestly to bring your relationship to a deeper level.

What We Cover:

• What Is Kink? Understanding kink as an umbrella term and how it differs from traditional sexual practices.
• Breaking Down Misconceptions: Why society’s views (hello, patriarchy!) make people feel embarrassed about their desires.
• The Difference Between Fetish and Kink: Safiya explains how fetishes are needs, while kinks are “wants.”
• Soft vs. Hardcore Kinks: Examples of gentle ways to explore kink, from body worship to sensual massage.
• Communication 101: How to start the conversation with a “yes, no, maybe” list and what to consider when discussing boundaries.
• Cultural Influences on Sexuality: Why discussing kink is especially tough in Black communities and how to overcome these barriers.
• Role-Playing and Sensual Intention: Adding intention to everyday acts can bring a kinky edge that deepens intimacy.
• Creating a Safe Space: Setting up a non-judgmental, open environment to encourage honest conversation.

Top Quotes from This Episode:

• “Most of us are probably more kinky than we think we are.” – Safiya Darling
• “It’s about taking your power back and exploring what makes you feel good without shame.”
• “Education before participation.” – Safiya’s golden rule for kink and BDSM exploration.

Why You Should Listen:

If you've ever felt too shy, awkward, or uncertain about discussing your desires, this episode will give you the confidence to have those conversations.

With Safiya’s compassionate guidance, you’ll learn how to create a comfortable space to express your needs and explore new ways to connect with your partner.

Safiya’s approach balances history, empowerment, and practical advice to help you and your partner bring your relationship to the next level.

Key Takeaways:

• Understanding the Basics: Kink doesn’t have to be hardcore—it’s about finding what excites you, in or out of the bedroom.
• Safe Communication: Why it’s essential to establish a safe, open space with your partner and the importance of mutual respect.
• Exploring Soft Kinks: Ways to introduce sensual, non-intimidating practices into your relationship.
• Permission to Be You: Give yourself the green light to explore your desires without fear of judgment or embarrassment.

Resources Mentioned:

• The Kinktionary – Safiya’s recommended resource for learning kink terms.
• Yes, No, Maybe List – A guide for exploring and discussing boundaries with your partner.
• Books for Kink Exploration:
• When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton, The Big Book of Submission by Rachel Kramer Bussel & Tongue Tied by Stella Harris.

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