Chapter 3 - A Mind That Found Itself By Clifford Whittingham Beers Narrated

Only Humble Motives (OHM)

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This passage vividly describes the narrator's descent into a state of delirium and paranoia following a fall. Initially concerned about epilepsy and fearing death, his perception of reality quickly unravels while hospitalized. He believes himself to be under arrest for attempted suicide, interpreting the medical treatments as forms of police interrogation – the hot poultices as "sweating" and the saline solutions as a means to increase his suffering.

His hallucinations extend to auditory experiences, with indistinct voices he perceives as imprecations from both friends and enemies, accompanied by ghostly rappings. The following day, he hallucinates being on a sinking ocean liner, a catastrophe he believes he caused, with trolley cars from outside the hospital transforming into transport on the ship. The sounds of the elevator and speaking-tube further fuel his delusion of the ship breaking apart.

As his delirium subsides, even the shaving of his legs for plaster casts and the court-plaster on his forehead are misinterpreted as signs of degradation and infamy. His mental torment culminates on the day of his Yale class reunion and the Harvard baseball game. Knowing his classmates would pass the hospital, he becomes convinced they intend to drag him out and inflict a painful death upon him for dishonoring Yale. The college cheers, which he had hoped to join, now fill him with terror, highlighting the stark contrast between his anticipated joy and his current state of profound delusion and fear.

Trigger Warning: This passage describes suicidal ideation and intense paranoid delusions. It also includes hallucinations and feelings of medical distress. Reader discretion is advised due to potentially disturbing content.

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