Child-Led vs. Values-Led Parenting

Become A Calm Mama

On today’s episode, we’re talking about child-led versus values-led parenting. Last week, I walked you through how to define your family values, and this week we’re putting them into practice - letting them be your guide in parenting.

You’ll Learn:

• The difference between child-led and values-led parenting
• How to be compassionate while still holding your limits
• Examples of value-based limits I used in my own family
• Tips for leading with your values
• Questions to ask as you look at your own boundaries

Leading with your values lets you feel good about the “why” behind your choices, set boundaries that actually work, and keep your family on track with where you want to go. Listen to learn how.

🎁As a special gift to my listeners, I’m also giving you a FREE Defining Your Family Values worksheet. Click here to get yours now.

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As a parent, you're faced with a lot of decisions, and it might not always be clear what you should do. It’s easy to make an emotional decision in the moment that you might not love when you look back on it later.

Child-Led vs. Values-Led Parenting

Over the past ten years or so, we’ve heard a lot about how feelings matter, and we need to validate our kids’ feelings. This is completely true and important. And it’s led to a lot of child-led parenting.

Where parents get confused is knowing what to do with those feelings after we validate them. Are we supposed to give in?

Child-led parenting is sometimes called horizontal attachment. You and your child are essentially on the same level when it comes to decision making. You are focused on your child’s feelings and what they think of you. You want them to like you, so it’s harder to set limits and hold boundaries.

Parents using the approach often want to give in so that their kid feels good. They let the child decide what they're doing, what they're getting, and how they're acting. It is a form of permissive parenting.

Values-led parenting falls under the category of vertical attachment. Here, you are the guide, mentor, leader in the relationship. There is some type of hierarchy, and the kids are not in charge.

Let’s say your child is on a sports team, and they’re sad because they don’t get a lot of playing time. They don’t want to go to practices or games anymore. They want to quit.

In a child-led household, you might let them give up because of the way they’re feeling.

In a values-led household, you might remind them that one of your family values is commitment, so they are expected to finish out the season. Values like integrity, reliability, and teamwork could also apply. You can say, “We’re going to continue to do this even if you’re uncomfortable. I believe in you. I know you can handle it.” There’s still room for lots of love and compassion, even as you hold your boundary.

Downsides of Child-Led Parenting

In the short term, child-led parenting can feel really good. You get the perceived feeling of being liked or loved by your child.

The problem is that kids miss out on opportunities to grow in your values, to trust you, and to build resilience. Kids learn about themselves when they have to work through hard things.

Low Self Esteem. The increase in child-led or feelings-led parenting is even leading to a self-esteem crisis in kids. They haven’t been given the opportunity to learn to handle discomfort and work through that emotion.

Life is full of hard and frustrating things. Plans change. We have to wait. We don’t get things that we really want. Emotional upset is a part of life. It’s inevitable that our kids will experience pain and discomfort.

When you teach your kids when they're young how to deal with that emotional upset, you help them learn healthy coping strategies so that they can be emotionally healthy in the long term.

Insecure Attachment. The truth is, kids shouldn’t be in charge, and they don’t even actually want to be. When you move into a more permissive, horizontal attachment style of parenting, it creates insecurity for your child.

When kids are insecure, they may be defiant, hyperactive, stubborn, or obsessive. They might gang up on you or fall into people-pleasing. These are all examples of maladaptive coping strategies.

Instead, we want to create a secure, strong, trustworthy attachment where kids know that there is an adult in the room who has their best interest in mind. Who knows and understands more than they do. Who can be trusted.

More Conflict If your child doesn't know whether you're going to be permissive or not, whether you're going to give in or change your mind, they will stay in negotiation longer because the boundary does not appear as firm.

The truth is that we’re all permissive sometimes. We all give in. Don’t judge yourself. Just be aware of why you’re doing it. And if you find yourself in a pattern of permissiveness, recognize that you’re not helping your child in the long term.

How to Lead with Your Family Values

In this particular parent-led approach, we’re setting boundaries based on our values, not on power or control. These limits are not meant to manipulate or punish our kids. We want to be in leadership energy.

Values are a lived experience. You have to live out your values in order to understand what they mean and why they're important.

Here are some tips for leading with your values.

Expect some resistance. Your child will not necessarily agree with your values and boundaries. They will have feelings about them. They will want you to go against your own values and give in to them.

What kids actually want is a boundary that they can push against. This gives them the chance to practice pivoting their emotions. This is where resilience comes from.

Their mind will find a way to push against the boundary to get a little bit of power and comfort back. They’ll negotiate so they feel like they have some control.

For example, your child doesn’t want to go to school. You hold your firm boundary that yes, they are going to school today. They might complain or cry. When you wait for the pivot and trust their nervous system to calm and reset itself, you’ll then see…A kid who comes out and says, “Fine, but I’m not putting my shoes on.” You say, “Ok, you can put them on in the car.”

Don’t rush it. When your kid is having big feelings about your limits, give them a little time. Don’t bribe, don’t promise things. Don’t try to shift that emotion too fast. Trust that it will happen. Validating an emotion means that we allow for it. We sit with it and give the nervous system a chance to catch up and work itself out.

Help your child reset their nervous system with the 3 Rs of emotional regulation: Rhythm, Relationship, and Reward. Maybe you encourage them to move their body, connect with them, or give them a small, simple task to complete for a little dopamine kick.

Shift your mindset. As a parent, you might feel really uncomfortable with your kid’s big feelings. Practice this thought: This is temporary. Remind yourself that even though you held your boundary, you did not cause their big feelings, and it is not your job to “fix” it.

Practice awareness. The pathway to improvement is awareness. Observe yourself over time and see where you’re making progress.

This week, I want you to observe:

• When you set a boundary, do you hold it?
• When you’re holding it, do you validate your kid’s feelings?
• If you don’t hold your boundary, why not?

You are always able to become the leader in your family. When you first start holding firm boundaries, your kids might not believe you. They’ll go through all the resistance strategies they’ve got. They're going to try to get you to change the limit - not because they're manipulative, not because they're entitled, not because they're jerks - but because they don't believe that they can handle the discomfort of not getting what they want.

When you believe that they CAN handle it, you hold the space, and they eventually learn that they can. As you practice holding firm in your boundaries, they’ll realize that you’re serious and you’re not giving in.

In the short term, it’s harder to be values-led. There’s going to be tension and discomfort. But it is worth it. When your child realizes that you’re serious about your boundaries, they’ll stop trying to negotiate everything. They’ll become more resilient, feel safer with you, be less stressed, and have less bad behavior. They will know their place in the world and feel like they belong.

Resources:

• Episode 174: Defining Your Family Values
• Grab the free worksheet: Defining Your Family Values - A step-by-step guide for creating a family value statement to guide you on your parenting journey

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