What Kids Don’t Know

Become A Calm Mama

Have you ever seen your kid do something and think, “They should know better”? I think we all have at one time or another. But here’s the thing - maybe they don’t.

Today, I’m talking about what kids don’t know so that you can adjust your expectations, feel less annoyed by their behavior, and help them learn the skills they’re missing.

You’ll Learn:

• Why our kids don’t actually “know better” a lot of the time
• How to balance social norms with a strong sense of self
• 6 ways to help your child learn important social skills
• How teaching social norms fits into the 4 steps of the Calm Mama Process

Parenting is a constant process of resetting limits and teaching new skills and behaviors. Listen to learn how.

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Reminder: When you’re teaching your kids something (like how you want them to behave), once isn’t enough. You’ll have to tell them many, many times. And every time they go through a new developmental stage, their brain grows and changes, so they end up needing to learn things again.

What Kids Don’t Know

Let’s face it: There are a LOT of things our kids don’t know yet. Some of these are practical, like how weather, time, and money work. How to do specific tasks.

Today, I’m focusing more on social and behavioral skills, as these are the ones that tend to cause us the most frustration and can be really challenging to understand.

Every society has social norms - unwritten rules that govern behavior and dictate what's considered acceptable or unacceptable. These kinds of norms might be related to a country, religion, cultural group, or even smaller subgroups like a school environment or sports team.

And they can be helpful because they create predictable and harmonious interactions within our society.

When our kids do things that go outside of these acceptable behaviors, we get annoyed or embarrassed. We think they’re being rude.

But often, kids don’t actually know what is rude (and they just have no filter). They aren’t born understanding these social norms, and a lot of them are complicated and nuanced.

So we have to teach them how to behave so that we don't have chaos and confusion. Your job as a parent is to give your child the awareness, skills, and tools to know what behavior is accepted so that they can be successful in our society and culture.

It’s a lot of work to learn how to be a person in society - to understand which behaviors are okay in which settings, and a lot of mistakes are going to be made.

Society and Sense of Self

Kids learn to understand and follow social norms through socialization. Interacting with people in different types of situations gives them a basic understanding of what works in the world, and teaches them tools to manage themselves.

But we don’t just want our kids to follow the crowd. We also want to parent them in a way that preserves a positive sense of self. At times, it can feel like these two goals are at odds with each other.

On the one hand, we have social norms - Be nice, be smart, be athletic, be attractive, be helpful, be likable, care about others, don't hurt others.

Then we have social and personal values that might be things like be unique, be creative, be yourself, be authentic, take care of yourself, express your needs, express your feelings.

So, what if you have a child who is expressing their authentic thought that you have stinky breath? They’re being honest and using their words, and this also has an impact on the other person that might cause a social problem.

Teaching Social Norms

Teaching the nuance of socializing while being yourself is no easy task. We want to give our kids ways to express themselves that don’t hurt others. Here are some strategies that will help you and your kids through this process.

Be okay with your kid’s immaturity

Our kids are immature - literally. They’re children. They’re young, and they have a lot to learn and understand. The more comfortable you are with this fact, the more patient and compassionate you can be with them.

In order to learn, they have to make mistakes. They have to try things to see what works and what doesn’t. That means that sometimes they’ll do or say things that hurt someone else. And then, you’ll give them an opportunity to correct their mistake.

Lean on your community

It can be really helpful if other people in your social group are also giving some feedback to your kids. We've moved away from this in parenting quite a bit, because we're afraid our kids will feel shame, but think of it this way…

Imagine that you and your friends are all together at your house, and one of their kids is jumping off of the furniture. It can be helpful (and also a little bit of a relief) for the other parent if you go over and say, “Hey, you know what? In our family, we don't jump on the furniture. Would you be willing to not jump on the couch, please?” Or, “Oh, that's really, really loud. Can you use an inside voice, please?”

Having other adults correct behavior with love, kindness, and respect helps kids to learn social norms at a faster rate. And it helps for them to hear it from different adults with different perspectives.

Other kids can also be good teachers. If your kid is a ball hog on the basketball court, and their friends call them out on it and don’t want to play with them anymore, that is a valuable lesson. It gives your kid the choice of whether they’d rather play by themself or figure out a way not to hog the ball so they can play with their friends.

Avoid shame, comparison & fear

Remember - your child is not their behavior. We don’t want to tell our kids that they are bad or rude or mean, assigning those judgments to their character. You also want to avoid comparing (e.g. “I don’t think Jacob would ever talk to his Mommy like that.”) and using fear to change kids’ behavior.

A common fear-based approach is telling a child that they won’t be accepted if they don’t change their behavior. But using rejection and ostracization as tools to change behavior are very damaging to your kid’s emotions and self-concept. This leads to the belief that they are only lovable when they are “good”, which often shows up as perfectionism and people-pleasing.

We want our kids to believe that they are lovable, good enough, and worthy of attention and acceptance…even if they’re acting out.

So instead, let them know that the behavior is not working. Say something like, “I understand that you didn't know that. It’s okay to make mistakes. It's okay to not know how rules work in different families. You're little, you're growing, you're learning.”

Validate their emotions

Help your kid understand why they’re behaving the way that they are. What emotional need are they trying to get met? Or what feeling are they communicating or trying to cope with? It makes their need or desire seem more human.

Set boundaries

This is where you let them know that their behavior isn’t working and help them find other ways to get their needs met.

Parent the kid in front of you

As a parent, it’s normal to feel tension when your kid isn’t following a social norm. There is a true risk in society when people behave in ways that we’ve deemed unacceptable. We all worry sometimes that our child will be rejected, left out, or they won’t be socialized in a way that allows them to be successful.

The best way to get out of that fear is to not make this moment in time mean anything about the future or our kids' character. This is just something that is happening right now. There is a skill gap, something they don’t understand yet.

What I want you to know, Mama, is that you're good even when you're bad. And so is your kid. Parenting is a constant process of resetting limits and teaching new skills. You’ve got this!

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

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