13. SCHOOL SERIES: When They Just Don’t Get It: Navigating School with Neurotypical Parents

ADHD Mums

This one’s for every mum who’s watched the birthday party photos roll in and realised — again — your child wasn’t invited. Or stood awkwardly at the school gate while other parents chatted like you weren’t even there.

In this raw and necessary episode, Jane tackles the quiet grief of social exclusion: not just for our neurodivergent kids, but for us too. From WhatsApp politics to parent cliques to the unspoken ‘rules’ of what’s considered acceptable behaviour in kids — we unpack how the system trains us all to exclude those who don’t conform.

If you've ever blamed yourself, masked harder, or told your kid to ‘just try to fit in’ — this episode offers a much-needed reframe. It’s not about fitting in. It’s about dismantling the gatekeeping in the first place.

💡 What We Cover:

• Why school exclusion is more than ‘just a missed invite’
• The unspoken cultural rules neurotypical parents use to gatekeep inclusion
• What we internalise when no one includes our kids — or us
• How emotional safety and performance parenting collide
• Scripts for advocating without begging
• What to say to your child when they ask: ‘Why wasn’t I invited?’
• Why this isn’t about being ‘liked’ — it’s about equity

Need support navigating school chaos?
Making School Work is your go-to advocacy guide for when your neurodivergent child isn’t coping — and the school says they’re fine. Packed with scripts, templates, and clarity for IEPs, school refusal, and shutdowns, it helps you hold your ground in the rooms that matter.
Get it here: https://adhdmums.com.au/product/making-school-work-parent-guide/

Resources Mentioned:

A Guide to Navigating School Pick-Ups for ADHD Mums: check it out here

The Quiet Exclusion Kit: check it out here

🎧 Listener Questions please send here

🔗 Free Guides and Resources: https://adhdmums.com.au/resources/

📚 Research References & Supporting Evidence1. Autistic children are invited to fewer social events

• Bauminger, N., & Kasari, C. (2000).

1. Parent attitudes significantly influence social inclusion

• de Boer, A., Pijl, S. J., & Minnaert, A. (2012).

1. Children with ADHD and autism are socially excluded more frequently

• Humphrey, N., & Symes, W. (2010).
• Rotheram-Fuller, E., Kasari, C., Chamberlain, B., & Locke, J. (2010)

4. Impact of parental discomfort on social dynamics

• While less studied formally, autism and ADHD parent advocacy groups (e.g. Autism Awareness Australia, ADHD Australia) and academic interviews (qualitative data) consistently show that parent discomfort, not child behaviour, is a major driver of exclusion.

Many reports include statements like:
“Once the parents found out he had autism, the invitations stopped.”
“They said it might be too much for her — but they never asked us what would help.”

These appear across:

• Australian disability advocacy forums
• Published interviews in parenting and education journals
• Peer-reviewed qualitative studies of parent experience (e.g. Goodall, 2020)

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TOPICS COVERED IN THIS EPISODE:

mirrored trauma, ADHD mums, neurodivergent parenting, good girl conditioning, parenting rage, ADHD parenting, sensory kids, emotional honesty, shutdown, intergenerational trauma, gentle parenting realities, meltdown support, breaking cycles, neuroaffirming parenting, trauma-informed parenting, ADHD mum life, performance parenting, co-regulation, reparenting yourself, parenting and trauma.

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