#58: Lead The Way – Own The Wreckage

Men, save your marriage

#58: LEAD THE WAY – OWN THE WRECKAGE

Men, Save Your Marriage – The Leadership Series (Episode 7)

INTRO: THE MOST HUMBLING STEP A MAN CAN TAKE

Welcome back to Men, Save Your Marriage. You’re listening to Episode 7 in our Lead the Damn Way series—and today we’re going into the fire. This isn’t an easy episode. But it might be the most important one of the entire series.

Because if you want to lead…

If you want to rebuild trust, respect, and intimacy…

If you want your wife to see you as a man again— As someone she can follow, desire, and believe in— Then you have to start with what most men avoid at all costs:

You have to own the wreckage.

Not just your version of the story. Not just the parts you feel justified in. Not just the clean, easy pieces that make you look noble.

You own all of it.

You step into the wreckage your leadership created, allowed, or ignored.

You admit:

• The pain you caused, even if you didn’t intend it.

• The distance you allowed, even if you weren’t the first to pull away.

• The responsibility you abandoned, even if your excuses felt valid at the time.

This is the start of real masculine leadership. Not finger-pointing. Not image protection. Not spinning the story.

This isn’t about guilt. It’s not about shame.

This is about taking your power back. By telling the truth. By standing tall. By becoming the kind of man who can say, “This was mine. I see it now. And it changes today.”

Let’s dig in.

POINT 1: YOU CAN’T LEAD WHAT YOU WON’T OWN

You’ve heard it said, “lead by example.” But most men think that just means work hard, provide well, and keep your nose clean.

That’s not what leadership means. Not in a marriage. Not in a home. Not in a kingdom.

Leadership means: You go first.

You go first in confession. You go first in ownership. You go first in humility—not because you're the worst, but because you're the leader.

So many men want their wife to come back to them. They want their kids to respect them again. They want their family to heal.

But they’re still walking around saying:

• “Well, she gave up first.”

• “She was cold to me.”

• “She cheated.”

• “She disrespected me in front of the kids.”

And maybe all of that is true. But here’s the question that separates men from boys:

“What kind of man do I want to become from this point forward?”

Because blaming her? That gives her all the control.

Owning your part? That gives you the authority to lead again.

Let me say it another way:

Blame keeps you weak. Ownership makes you powerful.

Leadership begins the moment you say:

“No more deflection. No more blame. I allowed things I should’ve stopped. I failed to protect what I should’ve cherished. I didn’t show up the way my wife, my kids, and my mission needed me to. And I take full responsibility.”

That’s the turning point.

Let’s get practical: Here are some patterns you may need to own:

• Drifting emotionally. Being in the house but not with your wife.

• Using work as an escape. Staying busy so you never have to deal with the emotional mess.

• Shutting down in conflict. Avoiding tension instead of stepping into it with strength.

• Letting porn replace pursuit. Checking out of intimacy and replacing it with fantasy.

• Prioritizing everything except her. Saying yes to hobbies, work, and obligations—but never her.

• Playing the victim. Turning every hard moment into a reason why you’re the one who’s mistreated.

It’s not about being a monster. It’s about being honest enough to say:

“I let these things grow in the house I was supposed to protect. I see it now. I own it. And I’m done.”

That’s how you begin to rebuild respect.

STORY: FROM DENIAL TO DOMINION – THE MAN WHO CHANGED

Let me tell you a story about a man I coached named Eli.

Eli looked like a solid husband on paper.

• He worked 60 hours a week to provide.

• He never cheated.

• He never raised a hand.

• He went to church. Paid the bills. Mowed the lawn.

But Eli’s wife felt utterly alone.

She had tried to talk to him. She had begged for deeper connection. She had asked him to stop avoiding conflict, to engage with the kids, to simply be present.

And every time, Eli dismissed it.

He said:

• “You’re overreacting.”

• “I’m just tired from work.”

• “Can we not do this right now?”

So over time, she gave up. She stopped trying. She shut down emotionally. And one day, she packed her bags and moved out.

That’s when Eli came to me—still confused, still defending himself.

“I never did anything wrong. I never yelled. I never cheated. I never lied.”

But he did neglect. He did emotionally abandon. He did protect his own comfort over their connection.

So we started the work.

The first thing I had him do was write a letter. A full page—not defending himself, not blaming her—just owning the wreckage.

In the letter, he wrote lines like:

“I now see what I didn’t want to see. I see that your loneliness was real. I see how I protected my image instead of your heart. I see how I confused ‘not being bad’ with being a good husband. I failed to lead. I failed to pursue. I failed to fight for us. And I own all of it.”

He didn’t send it right away. He sat with it.

Let the truth hit him. Let the pride die.

Then he sent it—with no demands, no expectations.

She didn’t move back in that day. But something shifted.

She started answering his calls again. She started responding to his texts. She started softening to his pursuit.

Not because of an apology. But because of ownership.

When a man stops defending and starts confessing, his presence changes.

He becomes safe again. He becomes real again. He becomes worthy of following again.

POINT 2: EXCUSES DELAY RESTORATION

Let’s be clear about something:

Excuses are poison.

They may sound reasonable. They may feel logical. But they destroy trust.

Every time you excuse your behavior, you delay the healing.

Let’s look at a few common excuses:

• “I only shut down because she was so critical.”

• “I didn’t feel respected, so I stopped trying.”

• “She stopped being affectionate, so I just gave up.”

• “She wasn’t giving me what I needed—what was I supposed to do?”

They sound like explanations.

But they’re not.

They’re just fear dressed up like logic. And fear will never rebuild your marriage.

Excuses are the last defense of a man who doesn’t want to face his truth.

Here’s what your wife hears when you excuse yourself:

• “He still doesn’t get it.”

• “He’s still blaming me.”

• “He’s still fighting for control, not connection.”

But when you speak without excuses?

When you say:

“This is what I did. This is how it made you feel. This is what I’m committed to changing.”

She may not say it out loud—but she’ll feel it. She’ll feel the shift.

Because now she’s hearing a man take responsibility. Not a man trying to win. Not a man trying to manipulate.

A man who is finally telling the truth.

That’s where the rebuild begins.

POINT 3: YOUR FUTURE LEADERSHIP DEPENDS ON TODAY’S OWNERSHIP

Here’s the hard truth:

The man who hides from his past will be haunted by it. But the man who owns his past? He becomes a leader who can be trusted again.

Ownership unlocks your future.

It reestablishes your integrity. It resets your direction. It puts you back in the fight—not just for her heart, but for your mission.

Let me show you what owning the wreckage actually does:

1. It Builds Credibility

Every time you name a failure without excuse, your words start to carry weight.

Before, you talked and she rolled her eyes.

Now, you speak with substance.

She starts to think:

“Maybe this is different. Maybe something’s shifting. Maybe he’s not trying to win me back—maybe he’s just becoming a man again.”

That’s credibility. That’s respect. That’s the beginning of new leadership.

2. It Clears the Fog

When you own your past, the air clears.

There’s no more:

• Debating old wounds

• Arguing over who started what

• Rehashing every disagreement

You own your side. You lead forward.

Now you can cast vision. Now you can bring peace. Now you can create culture.

Because the fog of blame is gone—and the path is visible again.

3. It Restores Your Masculine Integrity

This is where it all comes together.

Masculine leadership is not about being flawless.

It’s about being truthful.

It’s about saying:

“I blew it. I dropped the ball. I let us drift. But that ends today.”

And then proving it—not with perfection, but with consistency.

Your wife doesn’t need a perfect husband.

She needs a truthful one.

Your kids don’t need a perfect dad.

They need a present, owning, rebuilding father.

Ownership restores your masculine core.

It grounds you. It clarifies you. It makes you dangerous again—in the best possible way.

DRILLS – OWN THE WRECKAGE THIS WEEK

Let’s get tactical. Don’t just listen—act.

1. Write the Confession Letter

Sit down and write a one-page letter to your wife—or your child.

Don’t try to make it poetic. Don’t try to justify yourself.

Just tell the truth.

Own every pattern you ignored. Own every moment you withdrew. Own every cycle you protected or defended.

Don’t send it yet. Let it sit. Let it hit you. Let it strip away the old version of you.

2. Speak One Ownership Statement This Week

Pick one moment—just one—where you didn’t lead well this week.

Maybe you snapped. Maybe you avoided. Maybe you checked out.

Now speak this:

“I didn’t show up the way I needed to yesterday. That’s on me. Here’s what I’ll do differently.”

That one moment of ownership speaks louder than a thousand promises.

3. Create Your 30-Day Rebuild Plan

Get specific.

• What do you want to restore in your marriage?

• What will your wife feel from you—daily?

• How will you demonstrate real, consistent change?

Write it out.

And live it.

CALL TO ACTION: BUILD WITH THE MARRIAGE ARSENAL

If you’re serious about rebuilding your marriage… If you want to lead her heart again…

You need more than promises. You need a structure. You need reinforcements. You need action tools.

That’s why I created The Marriage Arsenal.

Inside, you’ll get:

• Connection Cards to pursue her heart with intention

• Pursuit Missions to build emotional consistency

• Micro-Moment Prompts to anchor your presence in the small daily wins

These are not gimmicks. They are strategic tools that say:

“I’m not who I used to be. I lead now. I show up. I fight for this.”

Go to www.MarriageArsenal.com and grab yours.

Don’t wait for her to believe your words—show her your walk.

Let the Arsenal help you build it.

FINAL WORDS: THIS IS WHERE LEADERSHIP BEGINS

Let’s land the plane with this truth:

There is no real leadership without ownership. There is no rebuilding without repentance. There is no respect without responsibility.

So here’s your call:

No more blame. No more silence. No more passive waiting.

You are the man.

You lead now. You own the wreckage. You build from the rubble.

And that, brother, is what men do. That is what fathers do. That is what husbands do.

We own it. We lead it. We rebuild it.

That’s how we Lead the Damn Way.