Diagnosis, Discovery & Doing It Your Way with Claire Grayshan

The Autism Mums Podcast

In this week's episode of The Autism Mums Podcast we welcome, Claire Grayshan, business coach and mother to three neurodivergent children to the show. Claire opens up about her journey to receiving both an autism and ADHD diagnosis later in life, how it transformed her parenting and why recognising your strengths can be the key to building a life that truly works for you.

Biography

Claire is a late-diagnosed autistic ADHDer, mum of three neurodivergent kids, and a passionate advocate for better mainstream school support, as both a parent and school governor. She spent years masking, overachieving, and burning out, first navigating a system that doesn't fit her children, then growing a business using strategies that didn’t fit her brain.

After autistic burnout, she rebuilt her business on her own terms. Now, as founder of The Virtual Vibe Coaching, she helps online service providers and coaches realign their strategy and simplify sales, so they can grow sustainably, without burnout, or forcing what doesn’t fit.

Key Takeaways

How late diagnosis can shape how you see yourself. It can bring clarity, self-compassion, and validation after years of internal doubt and masking.

How recognising shared neurodivergent traits can strengthen your parenting. It can fostering deeper connection and more empathetic support for your children.

How the school system falls short - what small, practical changes could make classrooms more inclusive and less overwhelming for neurodivergent learners.

How receiving a diagnosis can boost your confidence as an advocate - helping you trust your instincts and push past self-doubt when navigating EHCPs and school challenges.

How building a business around your energy and strengths is important - especially when traditional models drain you and don’t reflect your reality as a neurodivergent parent.

Quote

"We are the best people to parent our children because we’re perfect for them." — Claire Grayshan

Connect with Claire Grayshan

Sales Strategy Selector Quiz

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Hello and welcome to

the Autism Mums podcast. I'm Victoria. And I'm Natalie. We are two sisters

raising autistic children who know the joy, the challenges, and the everyday

moments. This is a supportive space for honest conversations, practical tips,

shared strength and expert advice. Whether you are celebrating a win, surviving

a meltdown, or just trying to make it through the day, we are right here with

you.

Join us as we share the ups, the downs, and everything in

between parenting autistic children.

Victoria Bennion:

Today we're joined by Claire Gration, a brilliant business coach, a mom to

three neurodivergent children. Claire shares her powerful story of being

diagnosed with autism and A DHD in her late thirties, and she talks about how

that moment changed, not just how she sees herself, but also how she parents

advocates and runs her business.

Victoria Bennion:

Welcome to the podcast, Claire. It's great to have the [00:01:00]

chance to chat with you today.

Claire Grayshan:

Thank you Thank you for having me on..

Victoria Bennion:

Could you begin by talking about what it was like getting your autism and a DHD

diagnosis later in life, while also parenting neuro divergent children.

Claire Grayshan:

Yeah. Oh, where do I even begin? That is such a huge question, isn't it? I

think, so for me, what led to my diagnosis was through, through my children,

their needs and identifying those and then actually realizing we're really

alike. We're alike in so many ways, which is brilliant, and it enhances our

bond.

Claire Grayshan: But

then it also makes you think, actually if they're autistic, then I've gotta be

autistic. And I wasn't actually gonna explore it further. I was quite happy

with my own. Self validation of that. But my, it was one of my children that

said if I've had an, I, I appreciate the honesty and the bluntness 'cause I'm

the same, and she said, if I've had an assessment, why aren't you having an

assessment? And I said that's a good point. Do you feel that it would be useful

if mommy, we had an assessment? And she said [00:02:00]

yes. So that's what sort of initiated that. In terms of the diagnosis itself, I

actually went through the right to choose and it turned out that I had

literally a week between my autism diagnosis and my A DHD diagnosis.

Claire Grayshan: So

it was a bit it was a bit of a chaotic time. I didn't expect my A DHD diagnosis

to come at the same time. I didn't actually think I was, I had a DHD, so there

was that shock as well. But since then, so that was last July and since then,

for me. It's been a process of actually understanding myself better.

Claire Grayshan: I've

actually been kinder to myself realizing why I am like I am, and that it's not

necessarily for example, all through my life, so I'm 39 now, I'm 14 next month.

All through my life I have felt that every, and I've been told, several times

that I don't care about what anybody thinks.

Claire Grayshan: I

just say what I think and I'm brutally honest and. Blunt is a word that people

describe, grab me as. And it was always an insult. It was never a compliment. [00:03:00] It was never I love your honesty, or, I'm

so glad I know where I am with you when you talk. It was gosh, you don't care.

Do you, you don't care.

Claire Grayshan: And

I'm like, I don't understand. I'm just saying the answer to the question. You

are asking me the question. So things like that sort of started to slot into

place after the diagnosis because actually. Maybe I'm not blunt, maybe I'm

literally just, it's how my brain is, it's how I'm wired.

Claire Grayshan: It's

me answering the question. It's me being, honesty is really important to me and

not being fake and not like I can't do that. Those kinds of things all make up

who I am, which are all part of being autistic as well. So I suppose it was

realizing those things and why I was like I was, but also that.

Claire Grayshan: I'm

not just autistic, I'm player. Do you know what I mean? And not every artistic

person is the same. So yeah, it's been a rollercoaster, but I would say on the

whole now from the ups and downs of, oh my gosh, why did nobody recognize this

sooner? And, oh, does this mean I'm rubbish at this or that?

Claire Grayshan: And,

all those kinds of things, like [00:04:00]

negative thoughts to actually, this is when people tell me that I'm an

overthinker. This is what makes me super sensitive to my client's needs. I'm a

business coach, so that's a really positive thing for my for being a business

coach. I get onto a call with a client and I can tell I've got like strong

intuition and I can feel micro changes in how they're being, and I don't know

that everybody has that, and it's something that I'm good at, and I think it's

because I'm autistic and it's my attention to detail, and I might not have that

if I wasn't.

Claire Grayshan: So I

guess I can see it a lot more in a lot more positive light, which then as a

parent. I'm able to then put that positive spin so their experience is not

obviously discounting the hard things that we go through, but yeah, definitely

up and down.

Victoria Bennion:

It's got a lot of benefits, hasn't it? Has it changed the way that you advocate

for your children at school?

Claire Grayshan:

Yeah. Yeah. It does it makes it, I. For me, I think as a, as somebody who

really, I'll [00:05:00] always be an

overthinker, right? It's just part of who I am, and I'm okay with that now. But

for a long time I gave myself grief about that. Oh, why do I have to make such

a big deal out of things?

Claire Grayshan: Why

can't I just deal with things and park it like everybody else? That kind of

stuff. Gaslighting myself, in my own head and I. Because I'm being to my

obviously to you wouldn't talk to anybody else the way that you talk to

yourself in your head. So because of the way that I am with my children and

when they come up with these, oh, everybody else is fine with this, but I'm not

fine with that.

Claire Grayshan: Why?

And I'm like, yeah, but what's the strength to do with that? Like absolutely,

this is difficult and this is what we're experiencing right now, but what's the

strength to do with that? So that then forces me to look at it in a more of a

positive light. So when it comes to advocating for their needs at school, that

whole.

Claire Grayshan: Oh,

horrendous thing that

Natalie Tealdi: Oh,

we know.

Claire Grayshan:

through. Yeah, I'm sure you do. And yeah. Wow. So obviously I'm in the thick of

that right now, so we're applying for an EHCP needs assessment at the

beginning. Some of my children are going through assessments. Some have [00:06:00] already been through and diagnosed.

Claire Grayshan:

We're different stages. I've got three children, and it comes to school and

you're like, oh yeah it's difficult to see with the, with this one of my

children. I'm like, eh, it's not difficult for me to see at all, but I

appreciate you saying that inside. I'm thinking, wow, yeah, not a clue. I need

to help them understand.

Claire Grayshan:

Whereas before I was like, maybe they're right, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm not

right on this. So I think one thing of having my own diagnosis that the

positive that's come out of it is. I'm more confident in that I am the best

person to parent my child along with my husband. Like we are the best people.

Claire Grayshan: We

are here because we are perfect for them. Instead of second guessing all the

time, am I doing the right thing? Is this the right? And yet we are winging it.

I've got, I'm not an expert in Send Law or advocacy or any of that stuff, i'm

an expert in my kids and I think that my diagnosis has helped me realize that.

Victoria Bennion:

Yeah, and I think most of us are winging it with the system.

Natalie Tealdi: Oh

yeah.[00:07:00]

Claire Grayshan:

Yeah. There's not another way to navigate it. Is there really?

Victoria Bennion: No.

You'd you're going into uncharted territory for sure.

Claire Grayshan:

Yeah.

Natalie Tealdi: I'm

interested to know what was the school system like for you when you were at

school?

Claire Grayshan:

Yeah. So to describe myself as a child, looking back, actually for the class

that I was in, so I was in a class of something like 35 kids, and there was a

group of normally boys that were spent the most of the day in the corridor.

They were in the corridor because they were sent out they were disrupting the

class.

Claire Grayshan: They

were physically. Throwing stuff or irritating people or whatever. So they were

visibly unhappy with their situation in class and that's where they spent their

time. I was sat in the class listening to every single pin drop to make sure

that I heard exactly what was going on because I was, I felt that I was always

on the back foot.

Claire Grayshan: But

academically I was okay. I was bright but I always felt like I was [00:08:00] missing something, so I had to listen to

every little thing. And that, that went for everything, that went for

friendships, that went for lessons, that went for teacher instructions how

somebody spoke to me, everything. So on the outset, people would and I was

autistic and had a DHD then, but on the outset people would've looked at me and

thought, model student. I went to university. I got a first class honors degree

in science in forensic science. I was a scientist. So successful on paper. But

then when you look back through actually, what was the experience? It was high

anxiety and not being able to sleep in primary school because I was worrying

about horrible things happening.

Claire Grayshan: Or

immersing myself in en Bliden books until the early hours of the morning

because I couldn't turn my brain off or the rest of the family going to sleep.

And me sat there with a lamp reading to try and distract my brain from what was

going on in it. So the signs were there, but obviously none of us knew, and

none of us understood.

Claire Grayshan: And

it was, Claire's a good reader. She lost [00:09:00]

reading and I did for that reason. But it's not until and I don't honestly feel

that anyone's to blame on this. We know what we know at the time and life's far

too short to be I'm not saying it's wrong to grieve over a life that you might

have had if you'd have had a diagnosis.

Claire Grayshan: It's

absolutely not wrong. It's whatever you feel is valid as an individual. But for

me personally, I feel like. Yes, things could have been different. If I'd

known, I would've gaslighted myself less. I would've definitely given myself a

hard time, a lot less. And I did that a lot, especially throughout 18-year-old,

1920, those you are like, you're not at school anymore.

Claire Grayshan:

You're trying to find your own way, still wanna fit in. And I didn't really,

and I remember one, one boy who I was friends with saying to me, and I still

know him today, is actually my brother-in-law now. He said I could never be

with you, Claire, because you are so high maintenance. And he didn't mean

physically.

Claire Grayshan: He

didn't mean my nails, my hair, my, he didn't mean that I knew exactly [00:10:00] what he meant. He meant emotionally. He

meant my, like I was up and down and impulsive and said what I thought and all

of those things that are still me today. I get it because that's probably how

other people may have viewed me at the time, if I'd have known that.

Claire Grayshan: It

was more how my brain worked, and I might have leaned into the positives of

that a little bit more, but at the time I was just like, oh, I need to just

hide this emotion. I need to hide that. So the school experience was scary. I

think I, I was, I spent a lot of time being anxious, but on the outset, nobody

would've known.

Claire Grayshan: I

had, I wanna say friends like that. It's not that I didn't have friends, I had

people who I hung around with, but I didn't feel like I had really deep

friendships. And I know the difference now because in my thirties I've made

deep friendships and I have a deep friendship with my husband, and we've been

together since we were 21.

Claire Grayshan: So

that's an example of a deep friendship as well as obviously our relationships.

So I know the difference. It's just looking back then, I had people [00:11:00] who, we were friends and we had some

things in common, but I wouldn't say there were deep friendships and I didn't

experience that till later.

Victoria Bennion:

That's interesting. So now looking at mainstream schools, with your own

experience in them, with your children's, what changes do you think we need to

see?

Claire Grayshan: How

long have you got Victoria?

Victoria Bennion:

Yeah, as long as you like.

Claire Grayshan: A

few things just off the top of my head. I could sit and write pages on this

'cause I just think there's so many little things that they could do at school

that have made massive differences and sometimes things happen and you think,

are you joking? Like, why are we still doing that?

Claire Grayshan: For

example, a little stupid thing that means so much to my children. And when I

say stupid, I mean 'cause it doesn't mean to happen is seat changes after half

terms. Why are we bothering with that? Just sit where you wanna sit.

Claire Grayshan: Not

disrupting anybody, you're not irritating anybody.

Claire Grayshan:

Everything else is working okay. Why do we need to switch it up? It causes so

much anxiety. I just think there's something silly like that. Why are we doing

it when it causes from in my [00:12:00] house?

It might cause a whole week of not going to bed, comfortably anxiety, buildup

of anticipation, all of those kinds of things.

Claire Grayshan: And

there are so many little things like that. I say little, they're not little in

my house, but do you know what I mean? Li when I say little, how easy would it

be to just not do that? It doesn't affect anything. And then the style of

learning itself, there's no there's not much visual learning, I don't think,

we're especially like, my one of my children is in year five...