The Steps - How I Do Them (Part 2 - Intro)

Steps to the Spirit

So, to continue with this introduction, or should I say my introduction to the 12 step program, well, it’s not pretty.

The root cause, or reason, for me becoming introduced to or involved with the 12-step program was alcohol. Well, let me correct myself. The root cause was actually my low self-esteem and the inability or unwillingness to incorporate God into my life. My drinking of alcohol was a very destructive and terrible symptom of my underlying lack of self-worth. It was a tool that I could use to pull the rug out from under any progress I made in thinking I might be good enough to even be alive.

I believe I was about 10 years old when I discovered the personality changing effects of alcohol. When my adoptive parents had company I was sometimes allowed to make drinks for them. I remember trying some of the alcohol to see what it tasted like. I even remember being given a small taste of one of the drinks with the reasoning that, “it was better I tried it at home than to do it outside”. From the first moment I was introduced to alcohol, I like the way it made me feel. I felt like someone other than who I really was, and any time I could feel that way was a blessing.

Eventually, in my childhood, and teenage years, “going out” always included alcohol of some sort. I began drinking at a local bar in the Bronx by the time I was 16 years old.

I also ran away from home for the second time when I was 16. I got on the plane with another kid from my school and we flew to San Juan Puerto Rico from New York. I remember being able to drink a lot for the week we were there before we were discovered as runaways and sent back to New York. I eventually joined the Army when I was 17 years old., My parents signed the papers for me to enlist, hoping it would help me. It didn’t! I saw the Army as one big drinking, club. After the service I continue drinking, spending time occasionally in hospitals and rehab facilities. Nothing worked. Sometime during those episodes I created a son with the help of a woman who I’m sure had, in different ways, many of the problems that I had. I was on yet another bender when I was told that the baby was stillborn. I had no reason to not believe this, and it wasn’t until recently that I found I had a son. We connected for time, (happily, I thought), but he has since decided to end our connection. I have no idea why, but it is his choice and I will not impose on that.

I ended up in more rehab facilities than I can remember. I finally received my first DWI and ended up in jail overnight. This all has to do, I know now, with “me” running away from “me”. I was a person who was doing the exact opposite of what this 12 step program suggested. I also had periods of sobriety when I seem to do well, at least in a physical sense. I managed to get some schooling and work for a while in a rehabilitation facility. All the while I thought, “Who am I kidding? ”, I knew the book and the steps inside out, but had yet to apply any of them to my life. I lied about working the steps and I lied about my life becoming better. Every time I seem to make progress, I pulled the rug out from under myself.

One afternoon I found myself considering the one thing I said I would never do, suicide. Through the grace of God in that terrible, devastating time of my life, I ended up at yet another 12-step meeting. But, miraculously, this one was different. I was finally ready to become honest. I was finally ready to surrender.