1412 Wrestling Episode 52: AVGN/Austin/Nash/Gaffler/Conner, Pratt vs Bars in a Cell

The 1412 Wrestling: an absurd AI Wrestling Promotion

Preview: 1412 Wrestling – Episode 52

“Chaos in Every Corner, Destiny at Every Turn”

Episode 52 of 1412 Wrestling arrives like a runaway cement truck fueled by ancient relics, soda-fueled grudges, forbidden spellcraft, and unresolved plumbing invoices. As always, the arena has no idea what it's in for. With more combustible personalities than a police evidence locker full of Roman candles, this episode marks a critical turning point in the power structure of 1412. Alliances are strained, champions are hunted, and reality itself seems to bend under the pressure of Danny Tanner’s notoriously unstable booking patterns.

In the night’s main event, the most volatile match imaginable closes the show: a Five-Way Elimination bout for the coveted 1412 Championship, with The Angry Video Game Nerd defending his title against the most dangerous cross-section of chaos imaginable. Kevin Nash, money-drunk from his past abuse of the Ancient Relic, returns with Scott Hall and X-Pac by his side. Stone Cold Steve Austin, still fuming after last week’s betrayal and loss, is locked in on regaining the top prize. Bob Gaffler, backed by the Pavers, may have the lowest morals but the most unpredictable rage. And then there’s Dan Conner, haunted by chants of “You nailed Pete!” and ready to silence everyone with his fists. Five men. One title. Elimination rules. No guarantees anyone makes it out unscathed—or unpaved.

But before that powder keg explodes, the night opens with another grudge match soaked in drama and blood: Bars defends his Ambush Title Shot contract against Chris Pratt inside Hell in a Cell, with the Anti-Boiled Egg Brigade banned from ringside. The rivalry between Bars and Pratt has gone from absurd to personal, with Bars blaming Pratt for everything from cinematic mediocrity to the existence of chocolate ice cream. With the Ambush Shot hanging in the balance, and the Brigade forcibly neutralized, this one might get even uglier than a boiled egg at room temperature.

Things don’t get any calmer in the realm of broken glass and expired food. The Hardcore Championship is on the line in a four-way catastrophe as L.A. Beast—known for devouring dangerous things and throwing up on opponents—defends against Mewtwo, Jay (accompanied by Silent Bob), and the utterly unpredictable Paula Abdul. With Beast riding high off his last victory and Mewtwo harboring dark energy, Jay & Silent Bob providing chaos, and Abdul bringing style and speed, this match promises to resemble a demolition derby in a vending machine.

Speaking of bizarre collisions: Bobby Heenan returns to ringside with his newest enigma—the random old guy, replacing his former client, the dangerous Random Kid. But the opponent is no easy target: the proud Saiyan prince Vegeta makes his return to 1412, likely with zero tolerance for geriatrics or gimmicks. It’s the Heenan Family vs Saiyan honor, and someone’s getting humbled fast.

Meanwhile, trios warfare erupts as Gary Busey, The Minotaur, and The Iron Sheik represent the ever-unhinged Golf Cart faction against a nostalgic but fragile trio: Cory Matthews, Shawn Hunter, and Topanga Lawrence. With tensions high and the Sheik armed with a beer bottle and limitless hatred, will Cory finally tag in, or just let his friends get slaughtered?

From beer bottles to bandages, another wild contest looms as Mike Tyson returns—accompanied by his flock of 100 pigeons—for a four-way fight against Spopovich of the Anti-Boiled Egg Brigade, Jason Voorhees, and the mysterious Egyptian Mummy, with Eric Matthews at its side. This match is less about strategy and more about surviving long enough to remember your name.

Then it’s time to plant some roots in the title scene—literally. The Stable Championships are on the line as reigning champion The Giant Tree Drinking Lean defends its odd yet dominant title reign against the reunited Mean Street Posse (Rodney, Joey Abs, and Pete Gas). It’s nature vs nurture… assuming you count gas station brawls in Greenwich, CT as nurturing.

As branches snap, so do ropes—barbed ropes, to be exact. In a brutal eight-person tag match, the Anti-Boiled Egg Brigade (Sonic, Donkeylips, Jackie Chan, Bebe Rexha) face off with Tool Time's Tim Taylor and Al Borland, joined by Goofy and Donald Duck. With boiled egg slander in the air and the Tool Time crew defending their honor, expect pain, tangled fur, and emotional wounds that no power drill can fix.

The violence doesn’t stop there. In what might be the most crowded mid-card disaster ever, a ten-way fight is held under one condition: the loser has to steam clean the entire arena. Featuring the likes of Shredder, Tony Hawk, Strong Mad, The Goon, Red Ninja, Happy Gilmore, Tia Mowry, Aly, Bub the Zombie, and Jim Morrison, the only guarantee is that someone will be left holding a mop and hating every second of it.

But the magic returns when Ariana Grande, Android 18, Demi Lovato, and Soda Popinski collide in a chaotic fatal four-way. Ariana, toeing the line between fan favorite and forbidden sorceress, has demanded another shot at Alf and the Relic. But first, she’ll need to outlast one of the universe's toughest androids, a returning pop icon, and a soda-chugging menace.

Things only get weirder as Ross Gellar of the Foot Clan steps into the ring to face Leonardo of the TMNT. With tensions still high after Ross threw the Turtles' good friend Joey Tribbiani and former Foot Clan member Chandler Bing into piping hot lasagna, this could be revenge, extinction, or a paleontology lecture gone wrong.

In the Divas Championship bout, reigning champion Lola Bunny, backed by her Brigade allies, defends against Clarissa Darling, whose analytical mind and unpredictable offense make her a dark horse threat.

Meanwhile, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and John Locke square off in a battle of logic and festivity. Expect confusion. Expect violence. Expect a deer to fly—probably unwillingly.

For the Tag Team Titles, the Wet Bandits look to defend their gold against Michael Jackson & E.T., fresh off winning the absurdly long contender gauntlet. With the couch saga lingering in their minds and Earthworm Jim possibly lurking, Harry and Marv are as dangerous as ever.

Next up, the Yutt Championship—whatever it truly is—is up for grabs as Electabuzz defends against 50 Cent, Jim Rennie, and the lumbering Kurrgan. Whether this belt has prestige or not is unclear, but the violence will be very, very real.

And in what may be the night’s most elegantly absurd showdown, the Sword Fighting Championship sees modern pop mysticism clash with historical might as Katy Perry defends against none other than Abraham Lincoln. Katy continues to deny being a witch, despite being occused and even caught multiple times, while Lincoln, well… he’s wielding a sword and standing up for what's right.

Finally, the night begins with a special performance by Dasha, setting the tone with her hit “Not at This Party”. But make no mistake—everyone else is at this party… and nobody’s getting out clean. Episode 52 promises glory, betrayal, and possibly steam-cleaned blood. Bring a poncho.