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Episode 75: From Conflict to Curiosity: Transform How You Listen with Dr Jane Tuomola
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If you are looking for ways to have more productive and fulfilling conversations at your home or workplace, then this episode is for you!
Dr Jane Tuomola, originally from the UK, is a Singapore-based therapist, coach, and trainer with over 20 years’ experience. She uses Solution Focused Practice to help clients create positive, goal-oriented change. A clinical psychologist and ICF-certified coach, Jane has edited two books on culturally responsive practice in Asia and is an Associate Fellow of the British Psychological Society.
Here are just a couple of tips Jane shares:
Be Curious, Not Furious: One of the most impactful insights from Jane was the idea of approaching conversations with curiosity rather than frustration. When we encounter negative behaviors or complaints, it’s essential to ask ourselves, “What is their good reason for doing this?” This mindset shift not only fosters understanding but also opens the door to more constructive dialogues. By being curious, we can uncover the underlying motivations and needs of others, leading to more meaningful connections.
What’s the Wish Behind the Complaint? When faced with negativity, it’s crucial to dig deeper and understand the wishes or desires that lie beneath the surface. Jane encouraged us to ask ourselves, “What does this person really want?” By reframing complaints in this way, we can transform a potentially draining conversation into a collaborative problem-solving session. This not only helps in finding solutions but also strengthens our relationships by showing that we value the other person’s perspective.
As always, we’d love to hear your thoughts on this episode!
How might your conversations at home or work change if you approached complaints with curiosity instead of frustration?
Timestamps:
[00:00:13] Solution-focused listening explained.
[00:03:50] Strengths in difficult conversations.
[00:08:11] Active listening and engagement.
[00:12:22] Making yourself present.
[00:14:06] Overcoming anxiety through visualization.
[00:17:13] Listening with the third ear.
[00:20:40] Teamwork in challenging conversations.
[00:22:47] Growth mindset in children.
[00:26:15] Be curious, not furious.
[00:29:16] Connection and curiosity in conversations.
Resources:
- The Power of the Next Small Step Rayya Ghul
- Positively Speaking: The Art of Constructive Conversations with a Solutions Focus by Paul Z Jackson and Janine Waldman
- The Solution Focused Marriage: 5 Simple Habits that will Bring out the Best in Your Relationship by Elliot Connie
- The Solution Focused Parent: How to Help Conquer Challenges by Learning Skills by Ben Furman
- Relation Spaces: A Solution Focused Handbook for Parents by Vicky Essebag
Connect with Jane:
Website: https://janetuomola.com/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/janetuomola/
Connect with Lisa:
Website: https://www.sixcomms.org/
Email: [email protected]
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lisasing/
If you’d prefer to watch episodes, check out our YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@sixcommsconversations517
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