Today, just a quick reminder: you don’t need the ex’s permission to play a role in your stepkids’ lives. Nor do you need the ex’s approval before you meet your stepkids. Did your partner’s ex want to meet you before you were “allowed” to meet your future stepkids? Please join us in Substack and share in the comments, I’d love to hear that story. 😱 …

From dads who aren’t allowed to see their kids to stepdads whose role goes completely unrecognized, Father’s Day emotions in stepfamilies can run the full spectrum. Read the full transcript on Substack >> -- ➡️ STRUGGLING? START HERE! 🧡 JOIN OUR SUPPORT COMMUNITY This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get …

If I could only pick one message that I want each and every stepparent to know, it's this: yeah this shit is hard, but you are not alone. So many other stepparents have been where you are and made it through. There is hope. This does get better. I'd be lying if I said that message applies to every stepparenting situation, though. Read the full tran…

Let’s dispel some common myths about disengaging from our stepkids. Starting with #1: disengaging is not a bad thing. Read the full transcript on Substack >> -- ➡️ STRUGGLING? START HERE! 🧡 JOIN OUR SUPPORT COMMUNITY This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfr…

Stepfamilies in high conflict situations need different strategies and resources than other blended families. So many of the typical co-parenting advice out there does not apply when the ex is a nightmare narcissist. And stepparents in high conflict need extra support, too — which is why we’re here. Because holy cow this is NOT what you signed up f…

Today is Stepmother's Day, a very real holiday that doesn’t seem to quite show up on anyone’s radar. Stores don’t carry "Happy Stepmother's Day!" cards. You’re not gonna see an ad like “Get Stepmom something as special as she is!” Technically the holiday exists… yet we're not actually acknowledged. Sounds about right. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Read the full transcript…

As sucky as it is on a daily basis for our efforts to go unrecognized as stepmoms, there's really no day that hits home more than Mother's Day, and no day when it feels like more of a slap across the face to end up forgotten and overlooked. Thanks for all you do for your partners and your stepkids, today and every day. READ THE FULL TRANSCRIPT ON S…

Okay yes stepfamily life is very complex and we all need lots of support, blah blah blah. But you know what else we need? To lighten the heck up sometimes! So today here’s a bunch of stepparenting tips candy-coated in delicious Star Wars lore. Which is more metaphorical to steplife than one might think. Read the full transcript on Substack >> This …

There’s a great quote from Lucille Ball that goes “Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.” That for sure has been my personal experience with stepparenting. (And really, with life in general.) As stepparents, we talk a LOT about loving our stepkids, about loving our partners and our blended families. But what we don’t talk about …

Society really doesn’t like stepparents, so coming into this role can feel intimidating. Or like we have something to prove, like we are NOT like those bad stepparents. We’re the GOOD stepparents. But do not let society or the ex or even your partner try to marginalize you or the stepparenting role. Our role as stepparents is critical. We contribut…

My stepkid had a real thing for ketchup when she was younger, borderline addiction. I’m talking, putting-ketchup-on-lasagna level of ketchup. She also had problems with acid stomach and wasn’t supposed to be eating too much tomato-based things. Dan sometimes remembered to limit her ketchup intake, but mostly not. The inconsistency drove me crazy, s…

Becoming a stepparent does not negate the needs and feelings we have as individuals. And yet, so many of our partners seem to think we shouldn’t have those needs or feelings… or at least that we should be perfectly content putting ourselves and our relationship needs dead last, apparently forever. This is not sustainable. Relationships need time an…

Since most of us have never been stepparents before, learning to recognize what's typical for life in a stepfamily vs. what's a red flag is a bit of a learning curve. For example, it’s normal for your stepkids to act out because they're kids and life in two homes is tough and they don’t like a stepparent’s rules. It’s even normal for your stepkids …

If you think your blended family will never feel like a "real" family, first of all you’re not alone. But secondly, don’t give up! It’s officially autumn here in the northern hemisphere right now, the air is getting colder and the world is getting quieter as the birds head south and critters start hibernating. Fall is not a time for planting new th…

Parental alienation affects your stepkid’s ability to form loving bonds… including bonding with their stepparent. Alienated kids can develop a specific set of characteristics that also make them hard to warm up to... like acting cold, rejecting you & your partner, lying between houses, and many more than I could share in a short daily podcast. So i…

Update: We switched hosting providers so we can’t do the texting thing anymore but do feel free to drop us a DM on Substack! xo Stepparents, if you're feeling stressed out and frazzled, please know that you're allowed to TAKE. A STEP. BACK. Burning yourself out only makes it that much harder to stay grounded and sane. Two things you kinda sorta rea…

Update: We switched hosting providers so we can’t do the texting thing anymore but do feel free to drop us a DM on Substack! xo For inexplicable reasons, many of the people around stepparents seem to think that we shouldn’t feel stressed or overwhelmed by this role just because we chose this — because we knew our partners had kids. When a person fe…

Again and again and again I'd try to win my stepkid over. I followed all the usual stepparenting advice: show an interest in their interests, take it slow, try not to take their rejection personally. And nada. Zilch. Nothing. I started getting desperate. I thought I could get her to like me if I acted differently. So I acted differently. Which didn…

It shouldn’t be a newsflash to say kids of divorce still need parenting… AND YET, that is the topic of today’s pep talk. A child's parents not being together anymore does not negate the reality that kids need structure. They need a regular routine. They need guidance from the adults around them. All of this helps kids feel safe and secure. However,…

It's human nature to want to defend yourself against false accusations, fight for equality and justice, and right the wrongs you see. It's also human nature to think to yourself "If I can just show them that I'm not the bad guy" and believe that'll somehow fix everything. But you don’t have to prove yourself to the ex (or anyone else, for that matt…

Stepparenting in a nutshell reads like one long list of confusing contradictions. You’re supposed to be involved, but not so much so you’re overstepping. You need to give your stepkids space, but not so much that it seems like you don’t care. You need to be realistic about the role you’re taking on as a stepparent, yet optimistic enough to keep on …

Let me know if this cycle sounds familiar: The ex makes a unilateral co-parenting decision >> that decision interferes with your parenting time or otherwise conflicts with your morals, ethics, and values >> they know this and move ahead anyway >> you decide enough is enough and say you're not going along with it >> then THEY accuse YOU of putting t…

When we've become way too used to compromising our own values, beginning to say no sometimes can feel selfish. Boundaries and self-care can feel selfish. Prioritizing our mental health isn’t selfish, though; it’s us returning to ourselves after way too much time spent erasing our voice in an attempt to keep the peace — at home and between houses — …

Has anyone else noticed that way too many stepparenting resources act like stepparents are child-hating morons who have never interacted with a single kid in our lives? I remember reading books that seriously said shit like "Listen, you're dating someone with a kid, so you might have to get used to Friday night soccer games instead of candlelit din…

Every parent needs a break from parenting once in a while, and that includes stepparents. Typically, society doesn’t accuse parents who need a break of hating their kids. Yet society loves to imply there’s something wrong with a stepparent who needs a break. Today’s pep talk is to remind you that you’re allowed to take time off from your stepkids, …

The time, energy, and effort you pour into the relationship with your stepkid might not be reciprocated. At least, not yet. Then again, possibly not ever. Or else maybe it'll come back to you and then some! 🤷🏻‍♀️ The point is, you JUST NEVER KNOW which way it's gonna go with your stepkid. And that goes double or triple in high conflict, because chi…

The ex being high conflict can have a direct impact on how well you’re able to connect with your stepkid. If your stepkid's other home is dysfunctional or abusive, then even their most basic interpretations of love, belonging, or family could be very different from yours. Maybe more different than you’d ever guess. So don't blame yourself if you're…

If your stepkid wants nothing to do with you, please know that's more of a reflection on what you represent to them than it is a commentary on your personality. Your stepkid doesn't care how great you are. All they care is that you represent change, and change feels scary — especially to kids who are still shaken up from the massive upheaval of the…

Custody orders are not a matter of opinion. A parenting plan is an enforceable legal document that protects both parents' legal parenting rights. One parent cannot legally make arbitrary, unilateral decisions that affect the other parent's visitation time; that would be a violation of the custody order. And you have the legal right to report that t…

One of my biggest stepparenting frustrations was feeling blocked in my ability to make changes for the better in the life of my stepkid. Yet — trying to parent my stepkid ended up causing stress and friction between me and my stepkid AND between me and my partner. And when that happens, it’s probably time to disengage. It’s not that you shouldn’t c…

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in stepfamily life that we forget there's a big wide world beyond our blended family bubble. We can try so hard to be good stepparents that we end up losing track of who and what we are outside of our stepparenting role. When we define ourselves only by how much our stepkids like us (or whether they like us at all), o…

We tell our kids that big emotions feel scary, but that’s actually just as true for us grownups. Stepparenting is overwhelming a surprising percentage of the time. No matter how committed you are to building your blended family, you cannot be all in, all the time without some kind of pressure relief valve. Sometimes the only way to deflate all the …

Today’s pep talk is simple. I just want you to know you are not alone. You're not. As isolated as you may feel, as many cheerleading posts about stepparenting that you might read (and then feel guilty that you don't feel like a cheerleading kinda stepparent), know that stepparenting being hard is also normal. It took me years of feeling frustrated,…

You can’t coparent with someone who won’t compromise. If you're continually bending over backwards trying to make reasonable accommodations while the other co-parent keeps making unilateral decisions and refusing to meet you even close to halfway, I've got news for you: that's not co-parenting. That's you getting manipulated. All the advice about p…

We all understand that becoming a parent is a major adjustment, yet we expect stepparents to become instant experts in their role. And by “we” I mean society, but also including ourselves. We seem to hold ourselves to this ridiculous standard — like we’re not gonna make mistakes, or there won’t be a learning curve. For me, I was already a parent wh…

If your partner’s ex is high conflict, limiting how much contact you have with them can also limit the potential for drama. When I saw how ridiculous Dan’s relationship was with his ex, I thought most of the conflict between houses could be pretty easily resolved through clearer communication. I’m a great communicator, so naturally I stepped in to …

Becoming a stepparent gave me PTSD. And I do mean PTSD in the literal, clinical sense, as in diagnosed by an actual counselor. Living under the constant conflict between houses and never-ending uncertainty of where the next attack might be coming from turned my existing anxiety issues into a full-blown trauma response. Which it’s taken me years to …

Knowing Dan had a kid and knowing what I was getting into are two totally different things, it turns out. It’s not that I made the decision to become a stepparent without thinking about it. I honestly thought I knew EXACTLY what I was signing up for, especially since I already had a kid myself. (Famous last words, right?) Turns out that helping som…

One person in a relationship sitting back and expecting the other do all the work is never okay. And that goes double in a stepfamily. I can't believe how many stories I've heard from stepparents who are accused of not doing 'enough' by their partners… and yet their partner, the actual parent, REFUSES TO PARENT. This is some serious bullshit, folks…

You can trust your partner completely and still feel jealous of the life they had with their ex. It's normal to feel bummed that you'll never share all those important "firsts" with your partner because they already shared them with someone else. It's normal to feel angry that you'll never enjoy an uncomplicated relationship with the love of your l…

I used to blame myself when Dan's ex would go off the rails, like it was my fault I encouraged him to grow a backbone. Like maybe I never should've tried to create rules and structure for my stepkid. Maybe if I'd just kept my mouth shut, the conflict between houses wouldn't have escalated the way it did. Then I remind myself of something my sister …

If you're a stepparent feeling frustrated, stuck, or unhappy, change for the better is absolutely possible. But it's probably not gonna come from the direction you think it is. We keep waiting for our stepkids or partners or the ex to change so our lives become easier. We get increasingly frustrated when no one seems interested in changing. And the…

Let's talk about your partner’s ex for a sec. Anyone else gotten wayyy too obsessed with the ex for their own good?? 🙋🏻‍♀️ That was definitely me. Man anger is a tough emotion to shake. Especially when the ex is causing so much drama that you feel like you never get a damn break from their presence overtaking your entire life. I'm not gonna say you…

I found it tough to connect with my stepkid, especially in our early years. She came across as entitled. She spoke in a cutesy baby voice almost constantly. She had terrible manners, including frequently being rude to me. I’m embarrassed to admit how long I thought this was a problem with her. It literally took years before the light dawned one day…

As the newest members of our stepfamilies, stepparents are the outsiders, which means it's easier for us to see any dysfunction or unhealthy patterns that have been invisible to everyone else. That's why, when we bring up issues that concerns us, we're told there either isn't a problem, or it's just OUR problem. Like “Well, this is how it's always …

"No" is a complete sentence. And it's a sentence stepparents are allowed to say. It really is okay if you don't want to drop everything to watch your stepkids when your partner decided to change the visitation schedule at the last minute and didn't check with you first. It's also okay if you choose not to attend yet another school event where your …

A lot of folks act like stepparenting is easy. If it’s easy for them, that’s great. But stepparenting being hard for you doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. So many books and articles I read in my early stepmom days made it sound like there'd be this brief adjustment period and then we'd all be BFFs. So I thought, feeling like this gig is really ha…

At first I thought my stepkid just had terrible manners or a bad attitude. TBH, those might be true too. But after years of this with no improvement and actually seeing her behavior get suddenly worse, I finally realized my stepkid was being super shitty to me & Dan on purpose; she wanted to drive us away. And that is the heartbreaking nature of al…

One of the few things stepfamilies have in common with a traditional family is that your romantic relationship acts as the foundation. In a traditional family, we know exactly what would happen if we continually neglected our partner to tend to the kids. We know the kids can’t come first at the cost of our relationship, and that we’ve got to carve …

Most stepparents enter this role with a reasonable amount of respect for our partner’s ex as our stepkid's other parent. We don't want to overstep. We want to do right by our partners and our stepkids. So we take any suggestions that we're overstepping very seriously. The last thing we want is to make things worse between houses or harder for our s…