ADHD and the Tangled Web of Self-Trust

Authentically ADHD with Carmen

Hey there, welcome back to Authentically ADHD! I'm so glad you pressed play on this episode today, because its on a topic that when I learned it, i found out it was the work i never knew i was missing and this skill has given me so much more access to my authentic self. Today, we're diving into a big, messy, important topic: self-trust – or as I like to call it, the tangled web of self-trust. Now, if you just chuckled nervously or sighed "ugh, self-trust...", you're in the right place. Stick around for the next 25 minutes, and we'll untangle this web together with a healthy dose of honesty, humor, and hope.

Host (conversational): So, self-trust. Raise your hand if you've ever said something like, "I can't trust myself to do anything right!" (I'm raising mine high, by the way). Maybe you promised yourself you'd start that project well before the deadline, only to find yourself pulling an all-nighter again. Or you swore you'd not forget your friend's birthday this time, and then... whoops, you did – again. If any of this rings a bell, you are so not alone. In fact, one ADHD coach bluntly observed: "This is the truth about ADHD and self-trust: it doesn’t exist. ADHD adults don’t trust themselves at all. Our self-concept begins to erode pretty early in life". Ouch, right? That sounds harsh, but for many of us it feels true. Our confidence in ourselves got pretty banged up over the years.

Host (relatable anecdote): I want to start with a little story here. Picture late-diagnosed me a few years back, before I knew I had ADHD. Every morning I'd pep-talk myself: "Today, I'm gonna get everything on my to-do list done. I got this." And every evening I'd go to bed thinking, "I screwed it up again. What is wrong with me?" I remember once triple-booking my Saturday because Past Me didn't trust Future Me to actually remember my plans – I figured at least one of those events I'd flake on, so better to have backups! 🤦‍♀️ Yeah... my self-trust was basically non-existent. And the less I trusted myself, the more anxious and overbooked I became. It's a vicious cycle.

Host (upbeat): Well, friends, it's time to break that cycle. Today we'll cover a lot: We'll bust the common myths about self-trust (spoiler: it's not about being perfect). We'll define what real self-trust means – including a quote that changed the way I think about it. We'll explore why so many of us with ADHD struggle with self-trust (we'll dip into a little neuroscience and psychology, including some Internal Family Systems theory and insights from ADHD coach Kristen Carder). And of course, we'll get practical: I'll share 7 strategies – both practical hacks and mindset shifts – to help you rebuild your self-trust as an ADHD adult. Plus, I've got 7 reflection prompts for you, so you can dig into your own self-trust story after the episode. Sound good? Alright, let's jump in!

The Myth of Self-Trust (Especially in ADHD)

Host (slightly humorous): First, let's talk about what a lot of us think self-trust means. I used to imagine that “self-trust” was basically me turning into some magically responsible, never-make-a-mistake unicorn. Like, if I truly trusted myself, I’d do everything right – I'd make the perfect choices, follow through on all my plans flawlessly, and probably have alphabetized spice racks while I was at it. (Because obviously, trusted-self-me has it that together, right?)

Host (empathetic): Turns out, this idea is everywhere. We ADHDers often define self-trust as “I believe I’ll do everything perfectly and stick to every commitment, no matter what.” In the words of ADHD coach Kristen Carder, usually we think “self-trust” means “I believe that all of my choices are going to be perfect, and I believe that I will follow through on everything I say I’m going to do”. Sound familiar? We basically equate trusting ourselves with never messing up. And if you're anything like me (or like most people, really), that bar is waaaay too high. No wonder we feel like we can't trust ourselves – by that definition, nobody on the planet could!

Host (reassuring): So let's bust that myth right now. Self-trust is NOT "I trust myself to always do the right thing and be perfect and follow through 100%." Nope. That common misconception is a recipe for self-loathing, especially for those of us with ADHD who might leave a trail of unfinished projects and oopsies in our wake. If you've been thinking, "I can't trust myself because I keep dropping the ball," you're operating under the wrong definition of self-trust. And it's time to rewrite that definition.

What Is Real Self-Trust? (Redefining It)

Host (inviting): Okay, so if self-trust isn't about perfection, what is it about? I am so glad you asked. This redefinition was a game-changer for me, and I want to share it with you.

(slight pause for effect)

One of my favorite quotes on this comes again from Kristen Carder, who reframed it beautifully. She explains that real self-trust sounds more like this: “Self-trust is not ‘I trust myself to do the right thing and follow through and be perfect.’ Self-trust is, ‘I believe that my experience is real and valid. I know that I will take care of myself in this process. I will figure out how to move forward no matter what.’”. Let that sink in for a second.

Host (encouraging): Did you catch the difference? Instead of trusting yourself to be perfect, it's about trusting yourself to handle it when things aren't perfect. It's saying: I trust that my feelings and needs are valid (even if others have dismissed them before). I trust that I'll be there for me – that I'll have my own back. And I trust that no matter what happens, I can find a way to move forward. Whew! To me, that sounds so much kinder and more realistic. Doesn't it? Honestly, when I first heard that, I was like: Yes, I want that! I want to feel that solid in myself, even when life is messy.

Host (light humor): Think of it this way: trusting yourself isn’t about believing you'll never leave the house with your shirt on backwards (because let’s face it, on some rushed morning, you probably will 😅). It's about knowing that if you do walk out with a wardrobe malfunction, you're not going to beat yourself up all day – you'll laugh it off, maybe ask a friend for a hoodie, and keep going. Real self-trust is believing you can handle it. You can handle you – with all your ADHD quirks and brilliant chaos.

Host (affirming): So, quick recap: Self-trust ≠ perfection. Self-trust = knowing you’ll take care of yourself, come what may. It’s an inner confidence that your experience matters and you’ll figure things out eventually. That’s the foundation we’re trying to build.

How Self-Trust Develops (or Doesn’t) – A Childhood Story

Host (reflective): Now that we know what self-trust really means, a question might be popping up: why don’t we already have it? Where did things go sideways? To answer that, we need to take a quick trip back in time – back to childhood and those awkward teenage years (yes, we're going there). Don't worry, we won't stay too long in the past, but it's important to understand how self-trust is supposed to develop.

Host (explaining): Psychologists say that self-trust is a developmental process. Ideally, it starts when we’re little. Think about it: as kids, we’re naturally looking to our caregivers (parents, teachers, etc.) to figure out if the world is safe and if we are okay. If those caregivers consistently validate our feelings and needs, allow us some autonomy (like letting us try things on our own), and support us in failures without shame, we start to build this internal sense that "hey, my feelings are real, I can rely on myself, I'm capable." According to research, caregivers who validate a child’s emotions and perceptions, help them build autonomy, and encourage resilience (without shaming mistakes) are effectively building that child’s self-trust. It’s like laying down the bricks of a sturdy self-esteem. Each time your experience is honored – "Yes, I hear you're upset" or "I believe you when you say you're trying" – another brick gets laid. Over childhood and adolescence, those bricks (ideally) stack up into a solid platform of I trust myself.

Host (empathetic): But what if those bricks didn’t get laid properly? 🧱 What if, instead of validation and support, you got criticism, invalidation, or excessive control? That’s the reality for a lot of ADHD kids. In fact, research shows that children with ADHD often face more trauma, excessive criticism, and attacks on their self-esteem than their neurotypical peers. (I know “trauma” is a big word, but even "little t" traumas – like constantly being scolded or feeling not good enough – can seriously hurt a kid’s self-image.) If you grew up hearing "Why are you so lazy? Why can’t you just behave?!" or always feeling like the problem child, then your self-trust was likely chipped away instead of built up. Instead of bricks, you got… well, cracks.

Host (sharing): Let me share another personal example. When I was about 10, my mind was always drifting—daydreaming about anything and everything instead of paying attention. One day, my teacher literally had to slam her desk so hard to snap me out of my wandering thoughts that my books rattled across the room. Kids gasped, and I jolted upright, blinking at everyone staring at me. After that, she’d call me out in front of the class: “Earth to Carmen—hello?” As if I was choosing to float off into space. I felt those eyes zero in on me, and I just sank lower in my seat. The unspoken message I absorbed was, “You’re so spaced out, nobody can count on you.” Looking back, I see I was an undiagnosed ADHD kid—my brain genuinely struggled to stay grounded, not me being a daydreaming troublemaker. But no one said, “Hey, I know you’re trying. Let’s find a strategy to help you focus.” Instead, I got embarrassment and shame. And shame is like acid to self-trust—it corrodes it fast.

Host (normalizing): Maybe you can relate to some version of this. Many of us entered adulthood without a sturdy base of self-trust because our childhood environment (despite our parents maybe doing their best) didn’t explicitly give it to us. Or perhaps you did have supportive parents but still struggled – that can happen too, especially if ADHD went undiagnosed. In any case, understanding that it’s not your fault is huge. If self-trust wasn’t modeled or encouraged when you were a kid, of course you struggle with it now. As Kristen Carder put it, “if you were never afforded the luxury of [self-trust] being built for you in your childhood, then you deserve to do that for yourself now as an adult.”. Yes – you deserve to build it now. It’s never too late.

Why ADHD Sabotages Self-Trust: The Science and Psychology

Host: Alright, so early experiences lay the groundwork (or lack thereof) for self-trust. But why do adults with ADHD in particular have such a hard time with it, even after we know all this? Let's dig into that – this is where both neuroscience and psychology come into play. (Don't worry, I'll keep it English, not brain-ese.)

Host (neuroscience): First, the brain stuff. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition – our brains are literally wired a bit differently. One big difference lies in our executive functions (those mental skills for planning, self-monitoring, impulse control, etc., managed by the prefrontal cortex). For instance, self-awareness (also called metacognition) is an executive function that helps us reflect on our own behavior. Guess what? In ADHD folks, self-awareness tends to lag behind; it often doesn’t fully mature until the late twenties. So if you spent your teens and early twenties feeling kind of clueless about why you do what you do or how to change, that’s not a character flaw – that’s literally your brain’s timeline.

Host (more science): Our working memory and self-regulation circuits can be weaker too, meaning we struggle to keep future goals in mind and control impulses in the moment. And let's not forget our pal dopamine, the neurotransmitter of reward and motivation, which in ADHD brains is often in short supply. When your brain's reward system is underpowered, it's harder to consistently follow through on tasks that aren't immediately interesting – so you end up breaking promises to yourself ("I said I'd clean the garage today... eh, I'll do it tomorrow"). Over time, that pattern of not following through can make you feel like, "See, I never do what I say. I can't trust myself."

Host (citing research): Studies back this up: Adults with ADHD have been found to have significantly lower self-esteem and self-efficacy (which is basically your belief in your own ability to succeed) compared to adults without ADHD. That lower self-confidence isn’t because we’re doomed or incapable – it’s a byproduct of our symptoms and the negative feedback loop they create. Think about it: if 9 out of 10 times you intend to do something but your brain’s executive function roadblocks get in the way, you're going to start doubting yourself. It's like Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown over and over – eventually Charlie Brown is gonna hesitate to even try to kick it.

Host (psychological angle): Now, add the psychological layer. Living with ADHD often means accumulating a pile of negative experiences and messages about yourself. You miss deadlines -> you get reprimanded. You forget birthdays -> friends or family get upset. You blurt something out -> someone looks hurt or annoyed. Each little incident can chip away at your trust in yourself. Over the years, many ADHDers develop what some experts call a "failure narrative" or lots of internalized shame. You start to believe you're fundamentally unreliable or "bad at life," even though that's not true.

Host (late diagnosis perspective): This is especially pronounced in late-diagnosed folks. If you didn’t know you had ADHD until adulthood, you had no explanation for why you struggled. So you likely blamed yourself. As Healthline noted, undiagnosed adults often assume they're just naturally lazy, messy, or incapable. (I know I did – I thought I was a uniquely defective human for not managing life as well as others.) That self-blame sinks its claws deep into self-trust. I mean, how can you trust yourself when you’ve spent decades thinking you’re fundamentally flawed, right? The moment of diagnosis can be freeing ("Oh! There was a reason!"), but it doesn't instantly rebuild self-trust – that takes conscious work to undo the years of self-doubt.

Host (external validation): Another thing: because we don't trust ourselves, we tend to look to others for guidance on everything. Kristen Carder sees this a lot; she notes that instead of feeling grounded in ourselves like confident adults, ADHDers often look to others to gauge if we're doing okay. It's like we outsource our self-trust. Ever catch yourself constantly asking friends or family for their opinion on your decisions? Or needing reassurance that you're not screwing up as a parent/employee/friend? A lot of us live by the unspoken motto, “If other people are happy with me, then I can be happy with myself.”. I've lived that motto – it turned me into a people-pleaser who said yes to things I knew I shouldn't, just because I didn't trust my own judgment of what I could handle. The irony is, relying on others’ approval further undermines your self-trust. It’s like telling yourself, "Their opinion counts, mine doesn’t." Over time, you feel like a stranger to your own inner voice.

Host (real-world example): Dr. Russell Ramsay, a leading ADHD psychologist, gave a really striking example of how this shows up. He said many adults with ADHD walk around feeling permanently “in debt” in their relationships – like they owe people because of all their perceived failures. One of his clients even admitted that whenever he met someone new, he immediately would think, 'How am I going to let this person down?'. Can you imagine? Before the friendship even starts, he's already anticipating the inevitable disappointment he'll cause! That is self-trust hitting rock bottom. When you assume you'll fail others, of course you delegate all trust to them and keep none for yourself. You might let people walk all over you, or you never speak up for what you need. Saying “no” feels impossible because, "hey, I'm already such a screw-up, I have no right to set boundaries." (We'll get to why that’s not true – and how setting boundaries is actually a sign of growing self-trust – in a bit.)

Host (Internal Family Systems insight): Now, let me bring in that fancy-sounding thing I mentioned: Internal Family Systems (IFS). It's a type of therapy that looks at the mind as made up of different "parts" (like sub-personalities). Even if you haven't heard of IFS, you probably intuitively know what I mean – part of me wants to do this, part of me wants to do that, etc. According to IFS, we all have a core Self (the calm, compassionate inner leader in us) and lots of parts that try to protect us. For ADHD folks, some of these protective parts can get really loud. For example, an inner Critic part might constantly tell you, "You're going to mess this up. Why even try?" – it's harsh, but it's trying to preempt hurt by making you play small. Or a Manager part might frantically organize and over-plan every minute of your day because it doesn't trust you to stay on track (been there!). IFS therapists have observed that ADHD can make it easy to feel overwhelmed by certain parts, leading to us feeling stuck, ashamed, or out of control. In fact, being overwhelmed by these internal voices often results in low self-esteem and troubled relationships for ADHDers.

Host (how IFS helps): The IFS approach to healing is really relevant to building self-trust: it’s all about not shaming those parts of you, but listening to them and healing them through compassion. Instead of, say, hating the part of you that procrastinates, you gently get curious about why that part shows up (maybe it’s afraid of failure, so it avoids starting tasks). You learn to assure it – like "Hey, I know you're trying to protect me. Thank you, but I (Self) got this." Over time, as you build a stronger connection to your core Self, those protective parts can chill out a bit. You become more Self-led – more confident, calm, and clear. This is deep stuff, but I mention it because it's another lens on why we struggle with self-trust: inside, our parts are in turmoil, each pulling a different direction, and our Self (the part that can trust and lead) is often not in the driver’s seat. The goal of therapies like IFS is to get you back in that driver’s seat by healing those inner relationships.

Host (summing up causes): Phew, that was a lot. To sum up why ADHD adults often lack self-trust:

Our brains have built-in challenges (impaired executive functions, delayed self-awareness, dopamine issues) that make consistency hard, and inconsistency erodes trust.

We collect negative messages and failures over time – especially without a diagnosis – leading to shame and the belief that we're unreliable.

Our childhoods may not have given us the validation/autonomy needed to form self-trust (and may have done the opposite through criticism or trauma).

Psychologically, we become dependent on external validation because we don’t trust our own judgment, creating a cycle of always questioning ourselves.

Internally, we might feel "at war" with ourselves (thanks to those different parts yelling), rather than feeling like a cohesive, confident self.

If you're nodding along to all this, please hear me: you're not alone, and you're not broken beyond repair. This lack of self-trust is a very common ADHD experience – “For the average ADHD adult, life feels very wobbly” as Carder says, and we often “struggle greatly with the ability to trust ourselves”. But (and this is a big but), wobbly doesn’t mean doomed. The wonderful thing about being an adult is that now you get to be the supportive caregiver to yourself that you might not have had. We can deliberately build (or rebuild) that self-trust, one step at a time. So let's turn the corner now and talk about how. But first, a word from our sponsors…

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Strategies for Rebuilding Self-Trust (Yes, Even with ADHD!)

Alright, let’s get practical! Here are seven strategies—a mix of mindset shifts and concrete practices—to start rebuilding self-trust. These aren’t overnight fixes; think of each as one small brick toward that solid foundation. Pick one or two that resonate and begin there.

Begin with Validation (Journal Your Experience):

Set aside a few minutes regularly to jot down what you’re feeling—wins, frustrations, doubts. When you write something like “I procrastinated on paying bills and feel stupid,” follow it with compassion: “I get that bills trigger my anxiety. It’s hard, but I’m not stupid.” Over time, you teach your brain that your experience is real and valid (just as Kristen Carder suggests). You might even keep a “Self-Trust Journal” where you list both challenges and moments you did trust your gut. This consistent validation helps you believe in yourself more.

Forgive Yourself & Make Amends for Past “Failures”:

We carry so much guilt and regret. Practice self-forgiveness by telling yourself, “I forgive you for not knowing better when you were younger. You did your best with the tools you had.” You can also write a forgiveness letter for a specific event, then decide on a small self-amend (e.g., commit to a gentle health habit). Letting go of past mistakes affirms, “I trust myself to learn and grow,” rather than punish.

Set Boundaries and Say “No” (Trust Yourself to Protect You):

Saying “no” feels scary, especially if you’re a people-pleaser, but it’s a powerful act of self-trust: “I will take care of you.” Whether it’s declining an extra project or enforcing a 10 p.m. social media cutoff, each boundary you set says, “I know my limits and will respect them.” At first it might sting, but that little spark of pride—“I stood up for myself”—reinforces trust. Script simple phrases (e.g., “I can’t commit to that right now”) so you’re ready when it counts.

Practice Cognitive Reframing (Talk to Yourself Like a Friend):

Notice when your inner critic says, “You always screw up.” Pause and reframe it as if you were encouraging a friend: “Yes, I missed that deadline. It sucks, but I’ll learn to manage my time better.” Shifting from harsh self-talk to fair, supportive language builds your brain’s sense that “I can handle setbacks and keep going.” Over time, those kinder narratives replace old “I’m a failure” stories.

Use Body Doubling and External Supports (Trust Your Systems):

Accept that your brain sometimes needs help. Body doubling—working alongside someone (in person or via video)—can boost focus and follow-through. When you complete a task with a “double,” your brain learns, “Hey, I did it!”—and that builds confidence. Likewise, rely on planners, alarms, apps, or timers. These tools aren’t crutches; they’re extensions of your brain. Each successful commitment reinforced by a system is another proof point: “I can rely on me.”

Do Parts Work (Become Your Own Leader Inside):

Borrowing from Internal Family Systems (IFS), notice the different “you” voices—like a Fearful Part saying, “Don’t apply for that job; you’ll fail.” Thank that part for trying to protect you (“I hear you’re worried”), then bring forward your calm, compassionate Self: “Even if it’s scary, I’ll figure it out.” By acknowledging and reassuring those protective parts, you strengthen your internal leader (Self) and reduce internal conflict. As your parts learn to trust you, you learn to trust you.

Set Yourself Up for Success with Small Wins:

We often doubt ourselves because of a trail of broken promises. Flip that by making ridiculously small commitments—like “5 minutes of exercise today” or “tidy one corner.” When you follow through, say, “I did it—go me!” That builds trust, just like rebuilding trust with a friend by keeping tiny promises. Gradually increase the challenge, but under-commit at first. And if you miss a day, pivot without drama: “I was exhausted; I’ll adjust tomorrow.” This demonstrates, “Even when plans shift, I’ll figure out a way forward,” which is exactly what self-trust is all about.

Pick one or two of these strategies to try this week. Each small step is a brick in your foundation of self-trust—ultimately showing you that even with ADHD quirks, you’ve truly got your own back.

There we go – seven strategies. To quickly recap them: validate yourself (journal those feelings), forgive yourself for past oopsies, set boundaries to protect your energy, reframe your negative self-talk, use body doubles and external aids to support your follow-through, do inner “parts” work to align yourself, and make small promises to yourself that you can keep (then celebrate those winsI have created an active processing reflection guide included free in the show notes.

You might notice how these strategies echo the core idea of being on your own team. At first, it might feel unnatural – especially if you've spent years internally at war, calling yourself lazy or stupid or untrustworthy. But I invite you to pick one strategy and try it this week. Even if it’s just journaling one night or saying "no" to one small request. Pay attention to the shift in how you feel about yourself. That shift is the seed of self-trust taking root. 🌱

Closing Thoughts – Growing, One Step at a Time

Host (uplifting): As we come to the end of this episode, I want to leave you with some hope (and a virtual hug, if you're a hug kind of person). Rebuilding self-trust when you have ADHD is absolutely possible – I know because I'm doing it, bit by bit, and I've seen others do it too. It doesn't happen in a straight line. There will be days you feel like you've made no progress, and days you catch yourself actually trusting your gut or following through on something and you’re like, "Who even am I?!" 😅 Celebrate those moments.

Host (growth mindset): Remember, the growth mindset idea applies here: your ability to trust yourself is not fixed; it's something you can develop with practice and time. Every time you stumble and then choose to treat yourself with kindness instead of judgment, you're growing. Every time you make a small improvement to your routine or ask for the help you need, you're growing. You're teaching that little hurt child inside you that “Hey, you’re safe with me now. I won't abandon you, I won't shame you. We got this.”

Host (validating): And let's validate one more thing: the ADHD experience can be really hard. It's okay that this is challenging for you. Of course it is! You’ve been navigating life on Hard Mode without the proper user manual for a long time. Given that, the fact that you're here, listening to a podcast about self-growth, trying to do better for yourself – that is evidence of your strength. In my book, that’s evidence you can trust yourself (because look at the good choices you’re making now!). Sometimes we have to look at the meta-picture: you're taking initiative to help yourself, right this moment. That’s self-trust in action, even if it doesn’t feel like it yet.

Host (final encouragement): So, as you walk away from this episode, I want you to feel encouraged. You might not go from self-doubting to self-trusting overnight – in fact, you won’t, and that’s okay. But you now have some tools, and you have a clearer understanding that self-trust isn’t about never failing; it’s about knowing you’ll be okay even when you do fail. You will figure out how to move forward, no matter what. Keep that quote handy if it helps: “I will take care of myself in this process. I will figure out how to move forward no matter what.” Say it to yourself when you need it.

Host (sign-off): Thank you for spending this time with me, and for being honest with yourself about something so many people struggle with (whether they have ADHD or not!). If you found this helpful, consider sharing it with someone else who might need a little self-trust boost. And if you try any of the strategies or have an insight from the reflection prompts, I'd love to hear about it – send me a message or leave a comment. We’re all in this together, learning to trust ourselves one day at a time.

Stay authentic, stay compassionate with yourself, and remember: you have survived every bad day and navigated every twist and turn of life so far – that's proof that you're far more capable than you often give yourself credit for. You've got you… and I've got faith in you, too. 💜 That’s all I have for now my friends, until next time, stay Authentic & we will talk soon. 👋

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