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22 Three ways to change your conflict pattern
Manage episode 481584902 series 3639725
Content provided by Dr. Deborah Sword, with co-host Tyson Bankert, Dr. Deborah Sword, and With co-host Tyson Bankert. All podcast content including episodes, graphics, and podcast descriptions are uploaded and provided directly by Dr. Deborah Sword, with co-host Tyson Bankert, Dr. Deborah Sword, and With co-host Tyson Bankert or their podcast platform partner. If you believe someone is using your copyrighted work without your permission, you can follow the process outlined here https://ppacc.player.fm/legal.
Conflicts follow patterns. Changing your conflict patterns improves your conflict competence. Here are three different approaches to changing your conflict pattern. Try all three. Use whichever works for you. You’ll be glad you did.
Send us a text. We love hearing from you.
Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.
69 episodes
ShareManage episode 481584902 series 3639725
Content provided by Dr. Deborah Sword, with co-host Tyson Bankert, Dr. Deborah Sword, and With co-host Tyson Bankert. All podcast content including episodes, graphics, and podcast descriptions are uploaded and provided directly by Dr. Deborah Sword, with co-host Tyson Bankert, Dr. Deborah Sword, and With co-host Tyson Bankert or their podcast platform partner. If you believe someone is using your copyrighted work without your permission, you can follow the process outlined here https://ppacc.player.fm/legal.
Conflicts follow patterns. Changing your conflict patterns improves your conflict competence. Here are three different approaches to changing your conflict pattern. Try all three. Use whichever works for you. You’ll be glad you did.
Send us a text. We love hearing from you.
Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.
69 episodes
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Conflict Owner's Manual
You already have conflict competencies like good listening. But do you use your best listening skill in the heat of conflict? Here are three suggestions to help you bridge the gap between knowing how to listen, and remembering to use your listening skills. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.…
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Conflict Owner's Manual
Perhaps you've taken the course on how to have have difficult conversations. You know how to do it. But now, in real life, do you trust yourself to actually have those difficult conversations? We discuss self-trust building, the role of power imbalances that make it hard to communicate, and the risk of communicating your needs when the stakes are high. Self-trust will help you find the courage to raise issues important to you in relationships you care about. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.…
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Conflict Owner's Manual
1 68 where did your conflict mental map come from? 5:08
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Play Later Play Later Lists Like LikedEveryone has at least one conflict mental map; a picture in your mind about how you believe conflict should be conducted, and what you expect of those in conflict with you. But where did you form this conflict mental map? show notes Shoalts, Adam, A History of Canada in Ten Maps: Epic Stories of Charting a Mysterious Land. Allen Lane, 2017, ISBN-10: 0670069469 Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.…
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Conflict Owner's Manual
1 67 Is trust a necessary ingredient for managing your conflicts? 11:07
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Play Later Play Later Lists Like Liked"Trust exists in relationships in different types and amounts. Maybe your friendships have a comfortable, lasting trust between intimates. Or, maybe you don't trust a person at all but have to deal with them. Trust is nice to have, has to be rebuilt when it's broken, and can't be bought. We discuss trust building measures that you can apply to improve the quality of your relationships and to manage your conflicts. show notes: "Whatever matters to human beings, trust is the atmosphere in which it thrives." Dr. Sissela Bok. Fundamental attribution error/rule. Dr. Lee Ross "Move at the speed of trust." adrienne maree brown Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.…
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Conflict Owner's Manual
1 66 How your self-beliefs grow your conflict competence 4:57
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Play Later Play Later Lists Like LikedWhat you tell yourself about your conflict competencies is what you believe is true. Are you telling yourself information that will grow your skills? On the conflict competence continuum of skills, where you put your pin will influence and inform how you do conflict. show notes. These scholars research how our beliefs shape our choices in life. * Michael Rousell: Surprise! How Your Brain Secretly Changes Your Beliefs TEDxSalem • January, 2019 https://www.ted.com/talks/michael_rousell_surprise_how_your_brain_secretly_changes_your_beliefs * Doug Lipman: As powerful as stories are, the process of storytelling has great but overlooked power, June, 2023 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Zmc-1rT8kQ *Ethan Kross: Shift: Managing Your Emotions—So They Don't Manage You, 2025 Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.…
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Conflict Owner's Manual
1 65 What life experiences inform your conflict competencies? 12:39
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Play Later Play Later Lists Like LikedEveryone experiences conflict, and has ways of dealing with it but some ways are better than others for improving the quality of your relationships. It's never too late to learn more and better ways. Tyson and Deborah share how they learned conflict management, what tools they use most (spoiler - for Deborah, it's conflict analysis), when they began their life's work in managing conflict, and in what ways their backgrounds in family and faith inform their practices. show notes: Ishmael, by Daniel Quinn Bantam/Turner Books, USA, 1992, 266 pages. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.…
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Conflict Owner's Manual
1 64 How is self awareness a conflict competency? 3:51
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Play Later Play Later Lists Like Liked"Know thyself!" comes to us as philosophical wisdom from antiquity. Self awareness is a conflict competency that increases your adaptability. The self you know is a learning, growing being who strives for quality relationships. Self awareness can prevent conflict, make you more adaptable to manage different kinds of conflict with different strategies, and improve the quality of the relationship you have with yourself. The more we are able to adapt, the more opportunities we have to be conflict competent. Here are three ways that you achieving self awareness improves your conflict competence. Show notes: Myers Briggs https://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/the-16-mbti-personality-types/ Thomas Kilmann https://kilmanndiagnostics.com/overview-thomas-kilmann-conflict-mode-instrument-tki/ https://www.colorado.edu/today/2021/09/21/quiz-find-out-your-conflict-style https://www.ethankross.com/ to manage negative self talk. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.…
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Conflict Owner's Manual
1 63 Is your frame big enough to picture your whole conflict? 7:14
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Play Later Play Later Lists Like LikedEveryone has a view of how the world should work according to themselves. Your view is a frame that your holds, among other things, your beliefs, concerns, values, and hopes. But sometimes, your frame rubs wrong against someone else's frame, and oops, conflict happens. That's when a reframe adds a valuable conflict competence. We describe user-friendly ways to look at frames and reframes. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.…
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Conflict Owner's Manual
1 62 what's in a name? Quite a lot when it's a conflict 4:04
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Play Later Play Later Lists Like LikedYou have habits, everyone does. Habits are patterns of how you behave. Once you recognize how you usually or often react in a conflict you have identified your conflict pattern. Name your reaction pattern, the emotions driving that pattern, and the pattern you'd rather have. Name it, own it, improve it. Show notes Juliet spoke to herself (Act 2, Scene 2) on her balcony, unaware that Romeo was hiding below, watching her rest her cheek upon her hand while she thought of him. ‘Tis but thy name that is my enemy; Thou art thyself, though not a Montague. What’s Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot, Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part Belonging to a man. O, be some other name! What’s in a name? That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet; So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call’d, Retain that dear perfection which he owes Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name, And for that name which is no part of thee Take all myself. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.…
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Conflict Owner's Manual
1 61 how to use opportunities to change your conflict 12:05
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Play Later Play Later Lists Like LikedConflicts unfold over time to become patterns. We discuss the many opportunities to manage, shift, change and reframe conflict patterns. When you change the pattern you improve your conflict competence. Tyson refers to adrienne maree brown: https://adriennemareebrown.net/2015/02/02/trust-the-people/ "if you do not trust the people, they will become untrustworthy." Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.…
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Conflict Owner's Manual
1 60 How do you show curiosity without sounding judgmental? 3:27
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Play Later Play Later Lists Like LikedDoes your attachment to your point of view make your good questions sound like judgments? Here are four steps to showing that your curiosity comes from your good intentions. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.…
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Conflict Owner's Manual
1 59 How do conflict competencies affect politics? 8:14
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Play Later Play Later Lists Like LikedIt's election 2025 tomorrow in Canada, and we discuss conflict competence as a skill in every interaction, as well as necessary for democracy, electioneering, voting, and governing. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.…
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Conflict Owner's Manual
Defaulting to curiosity rather than judgement is conflict competent. But, what if that curious question still sounds judgemental? We show you how to ask conflict competent questions, so you can diffuse conflict. The article the explains better questions than starting with the word "why" at this link: https://deborahsword.com/a-conflict-analysis-of-why/ Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.…
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Conflict Owner's Manual
1 57 What conflict competencies help overcome biased thinking? 14:47
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Play Later Play Later Lists Like LikedA bias can make decisions easier. You don't have to think hard if you already know your bias for herbal tea and against caffeinated tea. But when biases cause conflict, or stop you from enjoying the company of friends who hold perspectives you don't share, you'll want some conflict competent hacks to overcome biased thinking. We discuss four of the most common. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.…
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Conflict Owner's Manual
1 56 What's the disconnect between your intention and the impact? 5:15
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Play Later Play Later Lists Like LikedHave you made a comment that you intended as helpful and been criticized rather than thanked? Depending on how you respond in the situation, the cycle of defensive reaction either escalates or is diffused. You can decide if a conflict happens or not. We discuss two useful conflict competencies and how to use them. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.…
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