45. How Trauma Shapes Children’s Behavior and Their Need to Stay Connected

Connection Therapy

Dr. Brenda Murrow began her career working with children and quickly realized that young kids don’t always use the language adults expect to describe their experiences. Each child has their own unique way of expressing what they feel and see, which makes understanding them a careful process. This is especially true when working with children who have experienced trauma or difficult home environments.

Recently, Dr. Brenda Murrow has been exploring research on appeasement signals—nonverbal behaviors that both humans and animals use to show peaceful intentions and avoid conflict.

She found a study titled Entrapped Mother, Entrapped Child: Agonic Mode, Hierarchy and Appeasement in Intergenerational Abuse and Neglect, published in 2015 in the Journal of Child and Family Studies by Jackie Amos, Leonie Seagal, and Chris Cantor. The study highlights how children raised in unpredictable or traumatic environments develop behaviors aimed at maintaining peace and connection with their caregivers, even when those caregivers may be abusive or neglectful.

According to the research, children pay a high price to stay connected—they must constantly watch and respond to their caregiver’s moods to avoid conflict. Brenda sees this in her work, observing how children learn to adjust their behavior to protect themselves and maintain relationships, sometimes acting out in ways that can seem confusing or hostile to others.

The study also shows that children’s behaviors vary depending on their caregiver’s mood—some may become clingy and submissive, others hostile or controlling, and some try to entertain or distract. Brenda recognizes these patterns in her clients and understands how challenging it is for outsiders like teachers or counselors to grasp why a child might stay connected to an unhealthy or harmful relationship.

Brenda appreciates how this research adds depth to her understanding of trauma and its effects on children. It helps explain why children might behave in ways that seem difficult or contradictory but are really strategies for survival and connection. She looks forward to sharing more about appeasement behaviors in upcoming episodes.

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References:

Amos, J., Segal, L., & Cantor, C. (2015). Entrapped Mother, Entrapped Child: Agonic Mode, Hierarchy and Appeasement in Intergenerational Abuse and Neglect. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 24(5), 1442–1450. https://doi-org.pgi.idm.oclc.org/10.1007/s10826-014-9950-3

Stephen Porges (2011). Polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation.

Bessel Van der Kolk (2015). The Body Keeps the Score.