How to deal with family and friends that compare your twins to singletons

Dad's Guide to Twins

As a father of twins, you’ve probably heard it all: “Shouldn’t they be walking by now?” or “My son was talking in full sentences at this age!” These well-meaning comments from friends and family comparing your twins to singleton milestones can be frustrating and sometimes even worrying. Let me share some perspective and practical advice on how to handle these situations with confidence.

Our twin girls had two notable developmental milestones that caused many people to comment.

First, our girls never crawled in the traditional sense – on their hands and knees. One of them figured out how to scoot across the floor while sitting by extending her legs out and then pulling herself forward. We called this the “bum scoot” and once one girl started, her sister mimicked that behavior and they never looked back. They went straight from their “bum scoot” to standing and walking.

Second, our girls had some speech issues until they were early elementary school age. My wife and I could understand our girls. The girls could understand each other. However, other people, including close family and friends struggled to understand what our girls were saying. This feedback ultimately led us to take our girls to speech therapy where they quickly improved their speech skills and have been good communicators ever since.

Understanding Twin Development is Different

Twins often follow their own developmental timeline, and for good reason. Multiple factors influence their development patterns:

• Prematurity: Twins are more likely to be born early, which means their developmental timeline should be adjusted for their corrected age.
• Shared Resources: During pregnancy, twins share nutrients and space, which can impact early development.
• Social Dynamic: Having a constant peer creates a unique environment where twins may prioritize different skills than singletons.
• Individual Personalities: Just like any siblings, each twin has their own strengths, interests, and pace of development.

Practical Ways to Handle Comparisons

Educate with Confidence

When Uncle Bob mentions how his grandson was walking at 10 months, try responding with: “Twin development is actually fascinating – they often focus on different skills first. Lucas is becoming quite the climber while Emma is working on her vocabulary. Their pediatrician is happy with their progress on their twin-adjusted timeline.”

Keep some facts handy about twin development to share when these conversations arise. Knowledge is empowering and helps redirect well-intentioned but misguided concerns.

Focus on Individual Strengths

Instead of getting defensive, highlight what each of your twins is excelling at: “While they might not be walking yet, have you noticed how Ben can stack blocks with amazing precision? And Sarah’s ability to communicate what she wants without words is impressive!”

Create a Support Network of Twin Parents

Connect with other twin parents who understand your reality. When my twins were missing some of the typical singleton milestones, it was the parents in my twins group who reassured me this was normal and temporary.

Track Progress Your Own Way

Rather than comparing to standard milestone charts, keep a journal of each twin’s individual journey. Note when they master new skills relative to their own previous abilities. This perspective shift can be remarkably freeing.

When to Genuinely Consider Concerns

While managing unwanted comparisons is important, sometimes concerns raised by others deserve attention:

• If both twins are significantly behind in multiple developmental areas
• If one twin is progressing much more slowly than the other in several domains
• If either twin loses skills they previously had

In these cases, consult with your pediatrician. Early intervention, when needed, can make a significant difference.

Celebrating the Twin Advantage

Your twins are developing unique skills that singletons often don’t acquire as early:

• Advanced social negotiation: Twins learn to share, take turns, and resolve conflicts from day one.
• Empathy: Many twins show remarkable awareness of their co-twin’s emotions early on.
• Independence alongside interdependence: Twins often develop a healthy balance of self-reliance and cooperation.

The Bottom Line

Your twins aren’t behind—they’re just taking their own path. When well-meaning comparisons come your way, take a deep breath, share a bit of twin wisdom if you’re up for it, and remember that you have front-row seats to an amazing, unique developmental journey.

Trust your instincts, celebrate each triumph on your twins’ timeline, and remember—those singleton milestones were never meant for the twin experience anyway.

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