He Was Nice… So Why Do I Feel So Broken? The Truth About ‘Good Guy’ Narcissists

NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

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Hello Queens. Do you ever look back and think, well, he didn't cheat, or he didn't hit me, or he didn't X, Y, Z. Fill in the blank. So why do I feel like I'm still healing from a damn war? Let's talk about the nicer narcissists, the ones who smiled while they crushed your self-worth. Yeah, we're going to go there today. Stay tuned. Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear. Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and had to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted.

(01:00)
Now, I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up. All right, so let's talk about this nice guy or nice girl narcissist. They exist, right? And I have had my own experience with one of them and to the outside world, they are awesome. When you first meet them. They can be very awesome and charismatic and almost overly attentive in a way to you, but they end up as you get closer, and it can happen pretty quickly. As you get closer and more familiar with them and they get you under their thumb or in their spider web, whatever you want to call it, it can really shift and it can be a slow shift, or sometimes it can be a quick shift depending on how much control they feel they have, at what level they have control of you and feel like you're starting to be somewhat dependent.

(02:23)
This can be romantic relationship, obviously, but there's also friendships that can be like this, or even boss situation ships, which is, I did have a situation like that where I thought I had the best boss ever until it quickly turned, and so that's a story for another time. But I feel you. I know what it feels like and you're like, they were a good guy, right? Maybe they never even yelled. They didn't lay a hand on you. Maybe they brought you flowers, polite to your friends, said they wanted to whine and dine you. So why do you feel so confused, manipulated, lost, whatever you want to call it. The truth is, just because someone looks and acts kind doesn't always mean they are safe, emotional abuse, isn not about the volume, it's about the control. There's subtle erosion. I'm going to repeat that. It's about control, and there is subtle erosion.

(03:29)
Like I said, it can be quick, but usually it's a more subtle erosion unless they really rope you in fast. So that's exactly what the nice narcissists do best. So if you're wondering whether what you went through was bad enough to call abuse, let me tell you this with love, if you feel broken, if you feel like you lost yourself, if you're second guessing, your worth, your memory, right? Are you wondering, did that happen that way? Maybe I'm remembering it wrong. Your reality. That is enough. These covert narcissists, the good guys, they don't throw plates. They throw confusion. Okay? Look, they don't often yell. They withhold, they gaslight, they guilt trip. They charm the room. Like I said, they can be very charismatic and they make you feel like the crazy one. When you get upset, show any emotion, right? So let's break it down. Here are some signs that you were dealing with a nice guy, narcissist, or maybe you're currently in this situation. First of all, they rarely show anger, but you're always the one apologizing, right? So there is that shift of they might not show outward anger, but you always end up apologizing and kind of tiptoeing walking on eggshells.

(05:11)
Two, they weaponized guilt, but I was just trying to help you, right? They're weaponizing guilt, and that's similar to three where they play the victim, I do everything for you and you're still not happy. Does that sound familiar? Number four, they're liked by everyone else. So you question your reactions constantly, right? Maybe these covert and over narcissists can often be a popular in communities. They can be leaders, they can be very good people, persons. How do you say that? People, A people person. But they're different with you. And it can be, like I said, that slow, slow erosion, the subtle erosion. So you kind of question yourself like, well wait, everyone else seems to love them, right? But that's very common, even with non narcissists. With abusers in general, they can be, they're not always, they can be abusive and jerks to everybody, but there are many that in the public eye, they're smiling, they're charismatic, they're overly accommodating or kind of love bombing, right?

(06:41)
We're just giving compliments or, oh, you're so awesome and valuing people on the outside, but they don't. They go home and probably talk shit about those people and the people they're closest with, whoever is their victim or victims on their inner circle will get the treatment that narcissists give. So number five goes to they never said outright. Maybe they didn't call you names. Maybe they didn't say you're worthless, but you felt worthless in the relationship. So it makes it hard when you're like, well, they never said that. They didn't abuse me with the words, but somehow they made you feel worthless, and that is not on you, and you've got manipulated now to feel like it is maybe in your head or you question yourself, or you go back to that whole, am I remembering right? You are honey. You're remembering just perfectly your truth.

(07:46)
Okay? So let's be clear here. Emotional safety, feeling safe in your emotions, in your body is not about how someone acts in public. It's about how you feel in their presence behind closed doors, and that's important. I definitely have had clients where it's very confusing to them where they feel like I must be the crazy one. No, they're acting different to you, but it's in a subtle way. It's not blatant. So you're questioning it. Don't question it. So you're not dramatic, you're not broken. You are conditioned to doubt yourself. Conditioning is a very important word in the narcissistic world. I say it a lot throughout, especially my recent podcasts, I've noticed because that word is a good one. If you're not familiar with get familiar with it, maybe you weren't outright physically harmed. Maybe they did not, like I said, scream at you, curse at you, but they manipulated and calculated and conditioned you to doubt yourself slowly and subtly, and that's why it's so hard to name A lot of the times it was slow. It is slow and subtle so much that you don't even catch it. So this healing journey from this specific type of narcissist is especially tricky, right? It's no easier because your brain was trained conditioned to justify their behavior. I want to say that again because this is a through line. With anyone going through narcissistic abuse in general, your brain was trained to justify their behavior.

(09:53)
Also, your heart still misses the version of them they gave you maybe in the beginning, maybe the version of them that lives in the public eye that you wanted it them to be. That's a version. Guess what? It's a fake version. It's not reality. I know that sucks. You can't do X, Y, Z to make them be that way. That is not them. The true them that their inner circle, their victims will see is the version you got, and your body holds the trauma even when your mind keeps saying, but they were so nice or they did do this to me, right? I mean, let's point that out. There are highs and lows with these people. There's the more subtle lows than with the other types of narcissists that are more outward. But your body is remembering those parts, and your mind is trying to fight with your body.

(11:08)
Like, oh, wait, oh wait, because you've been conditioned, right? So what do I love to do? Come on in class. Anyone? Anyone? Yes, you in the back? Yes. Listen to the body. The body speaks very loudly. If you let it and you listen, I'm going to say it again. The body speaks very, very loud and clear. When you actually let it and you listen, not when you have your mind, shut it down. Not when you feel your life with so much busyness and chaos that you're continuing, you're used to chaos and you continue the cycle. Even if you're away from the narcissist, you may still have a chaotic life because you're so used to it and you don't know what to do When you actually sit still and let your body, let your soul, let the silence let you speak. Sometimes it's scary to do that because there's trauma in there and it's not fun.

(12:19)
But let me correct that. Okay, I'm Christie. Hello. I do somatic healing. Do you know this about me? And we actually, it can be a little intense, right? I'm not going to lie, but we can have fun too. I try to make this a fun empowering journey for you guys. So if you want to sign up for somatic healing, which is healing the body because it remembers and you want actual long term help where you are rewriting things and your body is actually releasing all of this, sign up. I have a link always in my description box of my podcast to sign up for somatic healing session. So it can be an enjoyable, empowering journey. It doesn't have to be dark and scary, okay? I wouldn't do that to you. I wouldn't let that happen. I keep you safe, and I do titration, which if you don't know what that is, you might if you're in the science world, but that is really going very slowly back and forth to make sure you are totally comfortable in every single session, every step of the way you will be taken care of.

(13:39)
We're not going to retraumatize you. We're not going to let you go in a deep, dark hole. That is not the point. We are going to slowly heal the shit out of you. How's that sound? All right, I sidetracked there a second. So let's get back to it and wind things down. Here's what I want you to do. Step one, well sign up. Sign up for somatic healing with me. That will, I mean, I may be biased, but that will definitely help. But step one, besides that, validate yourself. Start saying it out loud. That was emotional abuse. Saying it out loud has helped me in my journey. And writing things down too, like putting pen to paper, saying it out loud to the world. That was abuse, that was emotional abuse. That clarity can be very, very powerful if you have not done that yet.

(14:36)
Step two, you can track the patterns. Notice what you excused, what you believed, what you ignored, not shaming yourself. Look, we're not going to judge past us. No, no, no, ma'am. We want you to be aware to what? To just help yourself in the future. I don't want you to beat yourself up. I hear this so much with clients. I wish I would've seen this. I wish I would've done that. Well, guess what, Susie? We got to move forward. We're not going to live in the past, okay? We have this one life. I'm not going to let you focus on what you could have, should have, would've. We can all do that all day long. That's no fun either. Okay? So eat some chocolate cookies. Notice what you excused, what you believed, what you ignored, and decide what you don't want to do in the future, in your future relationships, whether it be romantic or friendships, right?

(15:34)
What you're going to tolerate, what you're not going to tolerate, and do not be judgmental to the past, previous you. Be an encourager of yourself just like you would a friend, right? Step three, rebuild yourself. Trust. Ooh, that's a stinger. Self-trust is such a big word for narcissistic abuse survivors. It is hard to trust yourself after you've gone through something. You're like, how the hell when you're on the other side? And it depends where you are in your journey, but if you're on the other side, sometimes you get to a certain point. You're like, now, if I let that happen, all that happen, and now I have these kids and this, and there's a divorce, and there's that all this nonsense, you're so upset with yourself, it's hard to trust yourself again. So you have to start with small decisions. Say no when you may know.

(16:34)
Say yes to your needs, because building time for you can actually build self trust because you are getting acquainted with yourself again, right? We're reclaiming you. So start small. Just start small with small decisions. Even just what do I want? Do I want that chocolate chip cookie? Hell yeah, I do. And eat the chocolate chip cookie and say, I really like chocolate chip cookies, right? Maybe your ex didn't let you eat cookies. Christie's here to say, eat the damn cookie. Okay? And step four, back to Somatic Christie over here. Get support, right? This could be a therapist. This could be me. I love helping women like you, obviously. That's why I'm here. I love doing this podcast. I love being able to create space for people who feel so confused and lost and give them some sort of clarity and guidance. I love it. But when I get to work one-on-one with you guys and impact you and watch, oh, it's the most amazing feeling to watch my clients go from just, how do you describe it?

(17:54)
This just lost, stuck, this stuckness, this loss, confusion, judgment on themselves. All the feelings you're going through, and to be able to be with you on the journey. And we get to heal. I get to help you heal and you heal yourself. How empowering that is that you get to do that. And when you're on the other side, I mean my clients, when they are on the other side, the holy shit moments and the amount of people who have said, I can't believe I am where I am now. I never would've thought that happened. And usually that's also saying, I can't believe that happened so quickly. People think, oh God, this is going to take a lifetime to undo the damage. No, it's not. Ma'am. We move quickly. My best friend doesn't call me Bunny for no reason. Okay? Again, I titrate to make sure you're comfortable.

(18:59)
But it's one of those things where when you go slowly and you do it the right way, you zoom out. It's actually a lot quicker than you would think. Hard to explain until you do it. So sign up for a session. Alright? So take two minutes today and ask where did I lose myself to keep the peace? Where did I lose myself to keep the peace? We might be surprised what comes up. So if this hit home for you, please, first of all, sign up for a session with me and send this to a friend who might be quietly struggling or loudly struggling. If you know anyone else that could use help with this type of relationship, situationship, whatever, please forward this to them. And of course, I always have My Empowered Boundaries course. I will link that as well. That's at your own pace.

(19:56)
You purchase the course and each week a new video drops, and that's 10 weeks, 10 videos, and you have a lifetime access to it if you really have a tough time with setting boundaries. But today, I feel like we're really also focusing on that healing from the body. So sign up for the one-on-one session. You're not alone, you're not crazy. I am here and I would love to help you. Just because he didn't scream or curse or hit you, doesn't mean you didn't suffer. And just because you're not bleeding on the outside doesn't mean it was not abuse. You are powerful. You are worthy when you say that I am worthy. Yeah, you're reclaiming your peace. One truth, that's your truth, right? Not their truth. Your truth. One truth at a time. Alright, until next episode we have every Thursday we have the Thrive in five, where I do some type of somatic healing, breath work, meditation, visualization, all the fun, every Thursday, little shorter episodes to keep you grounded. So make sure you follow my podcast so you get the notifications of the new episodes that pop up. I'm Tuesdays and Thursdays and stay royal because he's the Queen. Alright, see the next one.