Why Do Narcissists Act Like That? Understanding Their Mind Games So You Can Finally Detach

NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

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🎧 **Episode: Why Do Narcissists Act Like That? Understanding Their Mind Games So You Can Finally Detach**

Ever felt blindsided by a narcissist’s hot-and-cold behavior? One minute they’re charming, the next they’re cruel — and you're left wondering what just happened. In this episode, we break down *why* narcissists behave the way they do, what really drives their mind games, and how understanding their psychology can help you finally stop taking it personally.

You’ll learn:
- What narcissists truly fear (hint: it’s not what you think)
- Why they punish, manipulate, and gaslight — even when they “seem fine”
- The emotional patterns behind their toxic behavior
- How this knowledge helps you detach and reclaim your peace

Let’s decode the dysfunction and take your energy back.

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TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ever found yourself asking Why are they like this? The lies, the cold shoulder, the gaslighting. It can feel like a dang roller coaster. You never asked to ride. But what if I told you there is a method to the madness? Today we're digging into the psychology of the narcissist so you can stop blaming yourself and start breaking free. Stay tuned. Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear. Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and had to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted.

(01:01)
Now, I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up. All right, Queens. If you are here, you probably had your piece hijacked by a narcissist or maybe a few. If you're lucky. One like me, so many of us, you probably spent way too much time trying to figure them out. What makes them tick? Why do they hurt people? Do they know they're doing it? So today I'm handing you the emotional decoder ring. Wouldn't it be nice if we had a real one? Yeah. So we're going to go inside the narcissist mind, not to fix them, but to free you.

(01:57)
I'm going to repeat that again. Not to fix them, but to free you. We do not have control over them. So when you understand what drives their behavior, it stops feeling as personal and it stops being as confusing, and that's where you get your power back. Okay, so let's start here. Narcissists are not just confident jerks. They've got this branding on them. Oh, they're just these arrogant jerks, right? I think at this point, hopefully it's more than that, but maybe you don't. So let's talk about underneath that. What is it right underneath that arrogance? It is deep, deep, deep insecurity. That's the irony of it. They're so insecure. They have a mask they wear of arrogance that even they technically can buy into their own mask. So they have a very fragile sense of self and a desperate, desperate need for control. What do I always say?

(02:57)
They're always trying to either get control if they don't have it or see if they do have control or get that control back. If they don't have it and they need the admiration, you need to beef them up or else. And power, essentially, control and power go hand in hand. So most narcissists have this internal belief. They're either superior or worthless. There's no middle ground, but most of them, I would say in my experience from my knowledge, is that they really are building a false sense to cover the shame of who they think they are. And they demand constant validation to keep that false self alive. Imagine if you're holding this mask up to your face, you're holding it, and if you don't get fed the beliefs that you're amazing and you're this and that, and you're so great and you don't push someone else down to gain the power, you drop the mask.

(03:57)
So you have to be constantly fed. So this is what we call the narcissistic supply. Maybe you've heard that. Get comfy with that name. That is very common. Narcissistic supply. They need the supply. They need to be fed. So here are six truths about how they think and operate. Number one, we know this control, control, control. It equals safety to them. They do not feel safe unless they're in control of people. The narrative, the stories, and the emotions. So if you're unpredictable or you set a boundary, woo, that threatens their power because then they're not in control. If someone's giving them rules, them boundaries, Uhuh, they do not like that. So what do they do? I call 'em the punisher. Remember that song? Punisher? What you looking for? Okay, the punishers. So they will punish or manipulate you to regain the control. They often do both.

(05:07)
So you've probably been a victim of both the punishment and the manipulation. Okay, so number two, empathy is seen as weakness. So they're not wired to truly feel others'. Pain, and usually we know this. That's another pretty glaring sign of narcissists that they're not empathetic. Some of them will mimic empathy and that can get confusing, but it's kind of more of a performative thing. If you get familiar with it, you can usually tell the difference after a while and it serves a purpose. It's not just like, oh, man, I feel so bad for that person or that animal, or, oh, how we might feel. They have empathy to serve a purpose, to win, trust, to make you think they're like that. So you will trust and relate to them to disarm you or whoever they're dealing with, or to keep you around because they know you prefer people who have empathy like most of the world.

(06:11)
Okay, number three, they fear abandonment more than anything. Anything I can think of. This one particular narcissist in my life, oh my goodness, the fear of abandonment is real in all aspects of their life, and they are someone also who can never be alone. So often they will maybe cheat if they're having trouble with someone they're with. Why do they cheat? Because they feel like they maybe don't want to be in this situation anymore, but they sure as hell don't want to be alone. So what do they do? They cheat and find someone else to replace that person so they won't be left alone. They don't want to be alone. Even though their behavior pushes people away, their biggest fear is being left. So they're going to do it before the other person does it. So they test you. Have you been tested? Do you know what that means?

(07:06)
I can think of experiences. Oh, where people have pushed me away. It is very obvious. Once I knew narcissism, I actually have had a friend in the past. After I really know what narcissism was, I realized this one friend of mine was probably a narcissist, and then I realized, yes, this is a huge thing, is the testing. They will test you to see how hard you'll fight for them. Basically what you'll put up with to prove that you're not going to leave them and abandon them. What did I say? I said F that I will abandon you. Bye-bye. Okay. They also breadcrumb, right? So they'll give you little crumbs of, oh, you're so special. You're the best love bombing. In a way, the obvious love bombs too, but the breadcrumbs are the more subtle things that keep you around thinking, oh, see, they're pretty good, and oh, they do think I'm special.

(08:01)
There is a connection between us, but they do it all to see if you will chase them and it's sick, and I hate that part about them. I hate most parts about them. Alright, number four, shame drives everything. Most narcissists are drowning in unhealed shame, but instead of facing it, they deflect it onto who? Not themselves. They're not known for accountability. Are they new? So they will deflect it onto others. That could be the person they're romantically involved with. That could be the waiter or waitress that's working at their table. That's why you end up apologizing for their behavior. They will flip the script. They will lie, they'll blame. They'll project. They will twist. What say to the point you're like, wait, is this my hold on? Is this my fault? Did that happen? They make you so mind screwed that you don't even know top from bottom when you're done with them.

(09:09)
Number five, they see people as extensions. This is really important. This is something that I learned as I got education and really looked from the outside in on the other side of things. Really got more of a idea that wasn't as obvious, I guess, as the things like, oh, they want control that you learn pretty quickly, but they see people as extensions, so you're not seen as a separate autonomous person. So this can be very common if you have a narcissistic parent, you are an extension of them. But this also can happen in romantic situations or best friendships, those really codependent best friendships. So you are either useful to their ego or you are a threat to it. So when you stop doing what they want, when they want, how they want on their terms, when you stop walking on eggshells, damn sick of it, which is what I did with a specific friend, guess what?

(10:11)
They start to devalue you and they try to also, what this particular person did, and I don't know if I really have this in this set of things, but another thing they will do is make sure that you know how important they are to you and that you need them. That's something that happened, right? So when they feel you start to pull away, they're also probably going to try to remind you how you need them and almost are undeserving of them, especially in romantic situations. You hear a lot of, oh, you'll never find someone like me. Actually, my ex-boyfriend went and on our last breakup, yes, of course you know the drill. If you're with a narcissist, you're going to have a few breakups. On our last breakup, he said to me, you will never find someone like me. And I said, thank God. Boom.

(11:08)
Drop the mic. There's a line for you. Alright? But anyway, getting back to seeing people as extensions, right? So that's romantic situation, friendship, anything, and you stop doing what they want, you stop or you start calling them out or saying, why are you doing this? Instead of just being submissive about things that you've been conditioned to do, they hate it, right? No, no. They start to devalue you and really start to again, flip the script, gaslight, all of that. Number six, they don't want healing. I'll say it again. They do not want healing. They want power. This is for a lot of people, the hardest truth to accept, but most narcissists, and I don't have an exact percentage, you guys, but it's very, very low, very low.

(12:01)
I love to have faith in people. Believe me, I'm a healing wisher, narcissists. I will pray all day. I still pray for a narcissist that was in my life every single night that they find peace. But most of them will never, ever change because they don't want to heal. That's not what they're here for. We're here to grow, right? I love growing every day. I love watching my life grow and flourish and take accountability and say, oh, you know what? I used to do this and now I don't. That's beautiful because I'm not here to win. They want to win. Their insecurities are so severe, they have to win to feel safe. Remember going back to that earlier, I forget what number was that?

(12:54)
Basically they're not feeling safe unless they're in control. Number one, it was number one, right? The control aspect, they just don't feel safe unless they're in control and they're winning, they need to win. So why does all this matter? Because when you finally understand it is not about you, and that can hurt in a way too. I get it right? You think you're special and you have this connection. I get that part is really hard, and we will get to healing that. But when you flip that in a positive way, it's not you. It's not not the crazy one. You're not X, y, Z. This is all them. But when you do that, the fog starts to lift. You stop twisting yourself in knots, trying to be good enough for the narc. You stop explaining yourself to someone who's committed to misunderstanding you. It's not even that they misunderstand you, right?

(13:56)
They put on a facade of misunderstanding you. They play dumb. They play confused or twist things. They know exactly what they're doing though. But when you're in it, you think they're misunderstanding you and you're explaining yourself, no, but that's not what I meant and did it. No, we're done explaining ourselves to anyone. Stop hoping for closure from someone who can't even be honest with themselves. These people really have a severe deficiency. See, they're not even real with themselves. They're not going to be real with you. They're always going to lie. They're always going to switch, flip the switch, whatever. They're always going to love bomb. They're always going to abuse that very, very minute amount of narcissists that get help. It's such a small amount. I don't even want to mention it, but I like to have a little tiny bit of hope. But in general, I'm telling you statistically, guys, if you're having hope, it's a way better bet to bet on yourself being okay getting out of the situation you're in, if you're still in it or healing from it and being able to say, I know I'm better off.

(15:19)
That's what you should be betting on. The statistics are way higher for people surviving after narcissistic abuse and healing than staying with one and the narcissist actually changing. First of all, if that even happened, it would take probably decades and your damage would be so much worse. So my advice is always get the fuck out. So I want you today to take away this. You didn't cause their behavior. You can't change their wiring and you don't need to understand every move. That's the thing. We've got to get out of our heads here. You're not going to think your way out of narcissistic abuse.

(16:09)
That's why we do somatic healing. Check my notes. Sign up for a session with me. You change from the body. The body remembers. You feel it in your body, don't you? Yeah. That's where we need to really heal, and we can do coaching all day long too. I love to, but the body is where it's at. So you just don't need to understand everything and figure everything out. You're not going to, you can understand from a zoomed out lens who a narcissist is, even stuff like this today, right? Understanding them a little more and a little insight goes a long way to help you detach, helping protect that piece. That's what this is about. You're not here to change them. You're not here to make them understand. You're not even here to say, I'm going to call you out and show you. I know what you're fucking doing. That can be how it feels when you start to heal. You want to do that and want to be like, oh, now I know, and no, this is about peace. How can you have peace? How can you control your end of things? How can you stop internalizing their dysfunction?

(17:20)
How do you stop internalizing their dysfunction? It's all this stuff. Listening to me and other people talk about it, learning about it, getting coaching with me, getting somatic healing with me. Somatic healing is fire. I love talking about it. It's magic. But this episode isn't about that. We can go there, but I want to finish this up. Getting a little lengthy. I try to keep this under 20 minutes. So look, this is about liberation, not a diagnosis, right? It's about the truth, your truth, the real truth, not their truth. Their truth is a fake truth. They're fake. They have a facade. So if you want to go deeper, of course, look at my show notes to see if you would like to do coaching. If you do somatic healing, we can do a combination. If you have questions about working with me or I have an Empowered Boundaries course, I actually still have not taken the coupon code off that.

(18:27)
So it's your lucky. It's your lucky day. Maybe I'll keep this through the week. One more week. I know people are vacationing. Keep it one more week. It's 50% off. That's insane. I don't do that. I don't do that for this course. I don't think I've ever done 50% off till this month. If you need help setting boundaries, it's an amazing course for a good price right now. So always look at my show notes to see how to work with me, and you can also email me. My email is in there. It's fierce Mama C at Gmail, okay? So I would love to help you reset your nervous system, set boundaries and actually feel powerful. They take it, they take our power. I get it, and I'd love to help you feel in whatever way that is. You let me know, email me. We can do a customized program.

(19:18)
I do it some of my clients where we do coaching and somatic. Or if you just want to do the body work, you just want to do the coaching, whatever feels good to you, also, please click the little follow button. If you're not following my podcast, follow it actually helps you, but it helps me too. Let's help each other. It helps me reach more women that need this help. And this is like there's a lot of us out there. So if I can help more and more people, that would be amazing. So if you can help me get there by taking 20 seconds to scroll around and find that little follow button, the algorithm actually does make that. So the more people that do that, the more followers I have, the more they spit me out to show other women who are also searching for narcissistic abuse help to get my podcast.

(20:13)
So I love helping. So I'm going to definitely have you guys help me and it'll help you because you'll get notification of all my podcasts. Yay. Alright? So don't forget, Thursdays are Thrive in Five. I usually have them related to our Tuesday episodes. So it's like maybe a somatic exercise or experience, five minutes or under, and to just get a little body work in on your own. So until then, protect that energy. Put a big, shiny, golden love bubble around you. Protect yourself. Love your future self and your past self, right? Give her grace. None of this is your fault. None of this is your fault. I've seen so many people say, oh, why would they stay in that situation? They don't get it. They don't have to get it F them, okay? You know why you stayed? It was scarier to leave probably for many reasons. I get it. I get you. Okay. You're not broken, you're just waking up. Alright, Queens, love you. See you in the next episode.