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118. How Separateness Affects Desire & Discovering What Truly Keeps the Spark Alive
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Does absence REALLY make the heart grow fonder? In this episode, we explore the role of separateness in fueling desire in long-term relationships and uncover the deeper factors that truly spark passion in a thriving partnership. Plus, we share a personal story about how the movie The Substance nearly led to a major rupture between us—but ultimately revealed profound insights about what really creates and sustains desire in our relationship.
“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer
(00:00) Welcome!
(00:35) Listener question: Does separateness fuel desire in long-term relationships?
(01:40) What actually happens in our experience of being apart?
(02:53) The science of why we automate our partners
(03:57) How our brains conserve energy and why it affects attraction
(05:40) Time apart doesn’t always create desire
(06:44) The hidden gifts of separateness
(07:42) The danger of relying on separateness for passion
(08:25) A surprising relationship challenge
(09:59) Power dynamics, objectification, and emotional triggers in media
(11:22) What actually fuels our desires
(14:30) Why deep emotional work can create attraction & intimacy
(15:52) The key question: What actually fuels your desire in partnership?
(16:30) Turning real connection into lasting attraction
Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!
Resources Mentioned:
Get in Touch:
- The Art Of We Website
- The Art of We Instagram
- Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training
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