Step #8 – A List with Willingness (part 1)

Steps to the Spirit

This eighth step is one that I remember well. I remember it mostly because of all of the false starts I had in the 12 step program. In all of those many times that I convinced myself I was truly “working” the program, I conveniently left out some steps that I considered irrelevant to me. I remember starting with step number one (sort of), going to steps number four and five, (mostly as an ego trip). Then I considered myself ready to save my fellows by practicing step number 12. Of course, I have since learned, when I finally decided to look at this 12-step program through the eyes of my Spirit, that indeed, all of the steps are necessary.

This eighth step is (my version of the steps as they are written in the first edition of Alcoholics Anonymous): I made a list of all persons I had harmed, and became willing to make complete amends to them all. The word complete has been removed from the modern version of the 12 steps.

In this first part of step number eight, I would like to talk about the, what seems to be, the simple act of making a list. I remember struggling with this list and maybe you can benefit if I share the way I treated making the list. One thing I realized was that this list was for my eyes only! I would be able to use this newfound tool called “honesty”, as I try to recall and list those persons I had harmed. One of the first things I noticed was that my rationalization skills try to complete the influence my selection of list-ees. I remember making excuses such as that an incident with a particular person was not really that bad! I also reasoned in some cases, that the odds of seeing a particular person in the future were pretty nil, hence why bother to list them? Some of the folks I thought I should exclude from my list, had died, so I could leave them off the list. There were also those who were family members, and I rationalized that they already knew how I felt about hurting them, on there was no need to rehash all of those things. Had I followed up or allowed these rationalizations to dominate my thinking, I would’ve had a very short list.

I discovered, as a result of my newfound honesty, that they could really be no excuses for not adding someone to whom making amends was necessary. It did not matter what their situation, or my relationship to them was at the current time. Some of those names that I tried to rationalize off the list were difficult to write down. However, I found that they were usually those that I needed to make amends to the most.